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Old 05-06-2018, 12:30 PM
Status: "Planting corn . . ." (set 2 hours ago)
 
Location: Des Moines Metro
4,798 posts, read 4,985,604 times
Reputation: 8556

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Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
Honestly, I would probably not tell the child until they had a need to know. Like the instance in the OP where she is going to college, about to live somewhat independently.
I, too, would hold off until there was a need to know or the child became an adult. Yes, it's a part of who they are, but a lot of teens really can't comprehend the need for donors. Some are OK with it, but a lot of others aren't, and they don't need the upset along with everything else at that age.
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Old 05-06-2018, 12:54 PM
 
9,857 posts, read 5,936,304 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JerseyGirl415 View Post
If you had a child who at that age you felt was ready to start hearing about how he or she came from an egg donor, how would you start the conversation and what exactly would you tell the child at that point?
I don't know about your kids, but my kids are very inquisitive. I cant fully tell you what the conversation would look like, because by the time they were old enough to start talking about it, I would have put a good deal of thought into it. But 4-5 years kids start asking about pregnancy and babies. Especially if there is a new baby in the family.

If I recall, I told my kids that the dad and mom each put one tiny part of them in the uterus (explained that) and if both come together, they make the start of a baby"...Something like that...I am on pain meds right now so my train of thought isn't there. If I was prepping to tell them about donor eggs, I would add "sometimes a mom's body doesn't make that special part, then she can be given one by another woman and grow the baby in her uterus". I might even go as far as saying "that is how mom and dad made you".

By 4-5ish I was able to tell the kids, in very simple terms, why I didn't grow a baby in my own body. It wasn't totally accurate, but I think I said "the parts that helps babies grow in their mommies doesn't work in my body, so I couldn't have a baby."

Again, this is all pretty rough, I injured myself and am a bit loopy. But that's the crux of it. By 4-5ish I knew a lot about the birds and the bees...way too much, because my mom was really up front about it all. Hippies...lol. I have not been nearly as forward because I wasn't always comfortable with what I learned. But I think it made me more sensitive to thinking and watching the depth of a conversation. Being too open or too closed can have bad outcomes. I know I wasn't perfect, but I have been doing my best.

At 11 and 12, my kids still don't know about a lot of the more "adult" issues in their adoptions. That will come when I can best read my kid is ready for it. There is even an issue that I don't know how I will ever explain and there really isn't a "right age" for. But it is in my head for when the better time comes to tell them.

I also think the longer you go without talking about it, the harder the conversation will be. And we all like to avoid the hard stuff, so that may make it take even longer. Then you miss your window.

I just cant imagine how earth shaking this is going to be for the 18 year old to find out. Esp right before going off to start their new life. I mean...much of my identity has come from my biological family. I used to wish I was adopted but one look in the mirror proves there is no way I was anything besides the spawn of my own parents LOL
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Old 05-06-2018, 01:13 PM
 
1,493 posts, read 681,561 times
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I don't think it will be that earth shaking but it depends on the kid. I was raised by a single mother who never told me that my father was a one night stand until I was in college. My little sister had a different father who we both had met when we were quite young. Knowing my mom the way I did I can't say I was surprised to learn about how I came to be. It didn't rock my world. It fit with the picture I had already. Not all kids are destroyed by such revelation. As someone said up thread different things work for different families.
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Old 05-06-2018, 01:16 PM
 
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Of course, I would tell them, and I would do it when they were young, not wait until they were adults.
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Old 05-06-2018, 01:41 PM
 
9,857 posts, read 5,936,304 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by emotiioo View Post
I don't think it will be that earth shaking but it depends on the kid. I was raised by a single mother who never told me that my father was a one night stand until I was in college. My little sister had a different father who we both had met when we were quite young. Knowing my mom the way I did I can't say I was surprised to learn about how I came to be. It didn't rock my world. It fit with the picture I had already. Not all kids are destroyed by such revelation. As someone said up thread different things work for different families.
Did you not know who your dad was and then find out neither did your mother? Or did she lie your whole life about your step dad was your bio dad? I think if you already didn't know, then that wouldn't be too big of a shock. But I know people who learned they had a different bio dad then they thought all along and were profoundly affected by it.

As you say, it fit with the picture out already had so you had years to get used to It on some level. We are talking out of the blue change in how you believed you were born/conceived/so-on
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Old 05-06-2018, 02:15 PM
 
Location: Manchester, MO—>East Cobb, GA 30062
521 posts, read 204,242 times
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I should add that it’s important that you don’t lie to them. It’s one of thing of course to leave out details and to keep a conversation age appropriate, but flat out lying to them about how their life started is a recipe for disaster.

You can explain to them that there are tons of families i.e. sometimes kids live with their grandparents, some kids have two moms or dads, some kids are adopted, and some moms are unable to become pregnant and need help (or some variation).
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Old 05-06-2018, 02:57 PM
 
959 posts, read 313,360 times
Reputation: 2936
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
I don't know about your kids, but my kids are very inquisitive. I cant fully tell you what the conversation would look like, because by the time they were old enough to start talking about it, I would have put a good deal of thought into it. But 4-5 years kids start asking about pregnancy and babies. Especially if there is a new baby in the family.

If I recall, I told my kids that the dad and mom each put one tiny part of them in the uterus (explained that) and if both come together, they make the start of a baby"...Something like that...I am on pain meds right now so my train of thought isn't there. If I was prepping to tell them about donor eggs, I would add "sometimes a mom's body doesn't make that special part, then she can be given one by another woman and grow the baby in her uterus". I might even go as far as saying "that is how mom and dad made you".

By 4-5ish I was able to tell the kids, in very simple terms, why I didn't grow a baby in my own body. It wasn't totally accurate, but I think I said "the parts that helps babies grow in their mommies doesn't work in my body, so I couldn't have a baby."

Again, this is all pretty rough, I injured myself and am a bit loopy. But that's the crux of it. By 4-5ish I knew a lot about the birds and the bees...way too much, because my mom was really up front about it all. Hippies...lol. I have not been nearly as forward because I wasn't always comfortable with what I learned. But I think it made me more sensitive to thinking and watching the depth of a conversation. Being too open or too closed can have bad outcomes. I know I wasn't perfect, but I have been doing my best.

At 11 and 12, my kids still don't know about a lot of the more "adult" issues in their adoptions. That will come when I can best read my kid is ready for it. There is even an issue that I don't know how I will ever explain and there really isn't a "right age" for. But it is in my head for when the better time comes to tell them.

I also think the longer you go without talking about it, the harder the conversation will be. And we all like to avoid the hard stuff, so that may make it take even longer. Then you miss your window.

I just cant imagine how earth shaking this is going to be for the 18 year old to find out. Esp right before going off to start their new lifeo. I mean...much of my identity has come from my biological family. I used to wish I was adopted but one look in the mirror proves there is no way I was anything besides the spawn of my own parents LOL

Your post seems sensible to me. You would tell them the truth in age-appropriate language so that they can grasp the concepts gradually. Sounds like a good approach to me.


I hope your injury is not severe and that it will heal quickly.
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Old 05-06-2018, 03:49 PM
 
Location: Copenhagen, Denmark
9,449 posts, read 7,443,659 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJKB View Post
This thread is interesting. I recently listened to a podcast where a woman did a DNA kit and found out that her father was not really her father. (She matched to someone else that had done a DNA kit and reached out). She was pretty devastated as her real father had recently passed away.
I think that it's important for a child to know this - perhaps not as a small child but as an older teen adult.
On a second note, I am a two time anonymous egg donor. I did it after I had my first two children. I feel no "emotional tie" to those donated eggs but I would be thrilled if sometime in the future, any resulting offsping did try to look me up.
I think this information should start earlier, but in simple language that conveys the parents' great desire to have and to love the children they raise, no matter who the biological parent is. More detailed information can be shared as the child becomes old enough to understand it, but with the same basic, underlying message.
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Old 05-06-2018, 03:54 PM
 
1,493 posts, read 681,561 times
Reputation: 3008
Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
Did you not know who your dad was and then find out neither did your mother? Or did she lie your whole life about your step dad was your bio dad? I think if you already didn't know, then that wouldn't be too big of a shock. But I know people who learned they had a different bio dad then they thought all along and were profoundly affected by it.

As you say, it fit with the picture out already had so you had years to get used to It on some level. We are talking out of the blue change in how you believed you were born/conceived/so-on
Most people don't have access to information about how they were conceived. That's not an entitlement. Let's get real. How many people do you know who have the entire true story about how they came into the world? Not many if any I would guess.

Seriously we need to dial this back to reality.
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Old 05-06-2018, 03:55 PM
 
1,493 posts, read 681,561 times
Reputation: 3008
Lots of adoption scars on this thread. Most of us don't have this level of interest in our parents decision making.
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