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Old 05-07-2018, 06:19 PM
 
11,895 posts, read 9,612,778 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
Probably, but maybe not to the daughter. You'd be surprised how families can keep secrets, and how some people can know and some don't. My mom's sister "had to get married" as they used to say. Married in March, my cousin was born in October. For some reason, the parents told my cousin they got married in January. She threw them a 50th anniversary party one January. It wasn't until one of them died that cuz found out the truth. What a time to do so! Meanwhile, my mom told me when I was about 17, so I knew and assumed my cousin knew.

OTOH, my dad always said he was in "the Navy". I found out at his funeral, sitting in the pew, that he was actually in the Merchant Marine! Why my parents didn't tell my bro and me that, I have no idea. I don't know what was the shame of Merchant Marine.
I know someone whose older sister is her half-sister but she's the only sibling who knows (the half-sister knows she has a different bio dad, but none of the other siblings do). Her parents lied about when they got married so their kids wouldn't suspect the oldest isn't their dad's. I always thought that was kind of weird, why not be up front about it? No one would care, it wouldn't make a difference in how they see or love their sister, but why lie about something like a wedding date? If you have to resort to lying about something so basic, maybe it's just better to tell the truth. Her mom was in a previous relationship. No big deal. Obviously her bio dad isn't in the picture or the lies wouldn't really work.

But people can do whatever they want to do.
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:29 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,489,790 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
Probably, but maybe not to the daughter. You'd be surprised how families can keep secrets, and how some people can know and some don't. My mom's sister "had to get married" as they used to say. Married in March, my cousin was born in October. For some reason, the parents told my cousin they got married in January. She threw them a 50th anniversary party one January. It wasn't until one of them died that cuz found out the truth. What a time to do so! Meanwhile, my mom told me when I was about 17, so I knew and assumed my cousin knew.

OTOH, my dad always said he was in "the Navy". I found out at his funeral, sitting in the pew, that he was actually in the Merchant Marine! Why my parents didn't tell my bro and me that, I have no idea. I don't know what was the shame of Merchant Marine.
I accidently "outed" my friend's parents. They were *very* conservative people. My friend was 40 at the time. He was telling me the story of his parents getting married, which was a sudden elopement in the middle of their college semester. He said they had to do that because his mom's parents didn't approve of the relationship and he was a "honeymoon baby". I did the math in my head and asked him if he was born early. Nope. I started laughing and joking about him being a "honeymoon baby"...surely he knew. Right? The thought never had entered his head. He double checked my math and was actually shocked.

Clearly this information wasn't all that upsetting, more amusing that 40 years later they were keeping up the lie. But I really cant believe he never even thought about it. It was a full 6 weeks.
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:31 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,960 posts, read 98,776,620 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HighFlyingBird View Post
I accidently "outed" my friend's parents. They were *very* conservative people. My friend was 40 at the time. He was telling me the story of his parents getting married, which was a sudden elopement in the middle of their college semester. He said they had to do that because his mom's parents didn't approve of the relationship and he was a "honeymoon baby". I did the math in my head and asked him if he was born early. Nope. I started laughing and joking about him being a "honeymoon baby"...surely he knew. Right? The thought never had entered his head. He double checked my math and was actually shocked.

Clearly this information wasn't all that upsetting, more amusing that 40 years later they were keeping up the lie. But I really cant believe he never even thought about it. It was a full 6 weeks.
Denial can be strong. I don't think my cousin ever questioned her parents' story, even though there were no pictures of the January wedding, etc. She was close to 60 when her dad died and she found out.
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:36 AM
 
10,090 posts, read 6,489,790 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
Denial can be strong.
Indeed. He actually did seem a little upset at first. I think he always had a really concrete picture of who his parents were. He wasn't conservative at all. So that he was conceived out of wedlock wasn't bothersome. But I think he was a bit bothered because it was against what he believed about his parents. They always put forward that they were a moral superior, I think.

Anyways back to the topic...family secrets can be hidden for a long time but I think usually they come out. Although my husband has done a lot of genealogy and has found a lot of buried family secrets that no one knew of. He even found out his great grandfather murdered someone. His parents didn't know, none of the family did, as far as he could tell.
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Old 05-08-2018, 08:43 AM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,960 posts, read 98,776,620 times
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^^We should start a thread about "Family Secrets". One of my great-greats (or something like that) turned out to be a bigamist who had an additional family back in Germany.
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Old 05-09-2018, 02:55 PM
 
Location: Florida
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LOL, my mother was also an "early baby"... four months early!
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Old 05-09-2018, 02:58 PM
 
Location: Florida
4,080 posts, read 3,060,892 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Katarina Witt View Post
I know this is sort of off topic, but. . . That doesn't happen often. It's hard to find statistics, as this article states: https://creatingafamily.org/adoption...fter-adopting/ (References to IVF as well)

I remember back in the late 60s, when I was in college, a neighbor had several miscarriages. Another neighbor thought it was "God's will" because this woman was "hyper" and probably "couldn't cope" with kids. We moved away shortly thereafter; I don't know if she ever had a successful pregnancy.

Fast forward 15 years or so to the early 1980s, when I was trying to get pregnant, I heard the same type of drivel. "Relax"! "It'll happen when you least expect it"; "You're too hyper"! All said by people who had no problem getting pregnant themselves, mind you. I did get pregnant, on Clomid. Twice.

Fast forward to today. My daughter is TTC, she hears the same garbage. She and my SIL are seeing a fertility specialist.

So nothing has changed in 50 years! People still cling to these ideas that women who can't get pregnant have some problem that they personally don't have. IME, those with lesser education talk about "God's will" and the like; those with more education like to ascribe a psychiatric disorder to the infertile woman.
It took me over a year to get pregnant with my first. I had a friend who knew we were trying. Her advice? "Give him a couple of beers and wear a sexy nightie and let nature take its course." Did she think we didn't know how to make a baby? So bizarre.
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Old 05-09-2018, 03:10 PM
 
Location: Foot of the Rockies
84,960 posts, read 98,776,620 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
It took me over a year to get pregnant with my first. I had a friend who knew we were trying. Her advice? "Give him a couple of beers and wear a sexy nightie and let nature take its course." Did she think we didn't know how to make a baby? So bizarre.
I agree completely! I remember one time when I got this "you're too hyper" (or some such), this particular time from a single mom who definitely did not choose to get pregnant at the time she did, I said "I'm not crazy!" It probably wasn't fair to her, she was hardly the first (or the last) to say that, but I'd had it.
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Old 05-09-2018, 03:13 PM
 
5,499 posts, read 3,352,872 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy View Post
It took me over a year to get pregnant with my first. I had a friend who knew we were trying. Her advice? "Give him a couple of beers and wear a sexy nightie and let nature take its course." Did she think we didn't know how to make a baby? So bizarre.
LOL. That's as silly as "It will happen when you stop trying." I heard that a lot. So we should get separate bedrooms or...
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Old 05-10-2018, 04:40 PM
 
Location: Texas
6,432 posts, read 2,340,871 times
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Originally Posted by Soccernerd View Post

I know this is extremely unlikely, but its important to know who her bio mom is because shes 18 and is probably dating or will be soon. It would be quite a nasty shock if she finds out shes dating a half-sibling or a cousin.

Do you realize this could happen with kids who are adopted? It's not something new. In fact there was a television show a few years back about a whole family of kids who were adopted out and some of them wound up dating each other. It's not some risk that's unique to people who use donor egg or sperm.
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