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With the growth in DNA testing, it's probably inevitable that they'd find out at some point. I had a friend who recently discovered he was conceived from a donor thanks to one of the DNA tests. He had no clue prior to that, and it turned into a very awkward conversation with his parents.
OMG 18? She missed the boat. In this day and age, the kid is likely to find out. DNA family trees and such. At 18...its going to be a tough conversation. But it needs to be done. She might need help from a family therapist to navigate how best to tell them.
I would start talking about it in age appropriate ways when topics came up to slip it into. And then more pointed conversations when the child gets older and can understand more. Of course always keeping the info age-appropriate.
Why? Because its part of their story, its part of who they are and they have an absolute right to know.
Yes, this! The child should have been told right from the time they could understand. 4-5 years old approx
like a sperm donor child. It's only right and fair that they should know the facts of who they are.
Yes, this! The child should have been told right from the time they could understand. 4-5 years old approx
like a sperm donor child. It's only right and fair that they should know the facts of who they are.
I am smelling potential laws suit in the future.
What kind of lawsuits do you have in mind? Who will be suing whom for what?
I'm not for a lot of secrecy but I don't think 4-5 year olds can understand egg donation. It's funny (amusing, ironic-type funny) that people on here talk about how the brain isn't fully developed until age 25 according to some research, yet they want to lay this adult type stuff on little kids, and not just in this thread. I'm reminded of the old joke:
Child: "Mommy, where did I come from?" Mom goes into the whole story. Child: "Oh. Billy said he came from Cleveland".
My first reaction was “no” but you are right about the health history implications. I would’ve told my kid as soon as they were old enough to understand the concept.
E.g. all my grandma’s female relatives had the same cancer. But my grandma was an adopted child. Imagine if I didn’t know this - I’d be freaking out!
What kind of lawsuits do you have in mind? Who will be suing whom for what?
I'm not for a lot of secrecy but I don't think 4-5 year olds can understand egg donation. It's funny (amusing, ironic-type funny) that people on here talk about how the brain isn't fully developed until age 25 according to some research, yet they want to lay this adult type stuff on little kids, and not just in this thread. I'm reminded of the old joke:
Child: "Mommy, where did I come from?" Mom goes into the whole story. Child: "Oh. Billy said he came from Cleveland".
A 4-5 year old doesn't need this laid on them.
Maybe because you haven't had to deal with this type of thing, you aren't understanding my intentions with the statement. I surely didn't mean to tell a 4-5 year old about it in specific and adult ways, or necessarily how they were conceived. I did clearly say age appropriate ways. Its a start of a long conversation. You start it when your child starts to learn about different types of families (which is preschool). And then add more when they start to wonder about pregnancy. As they understand more, you share more. You would be surprised, I think, by how much kids do understand, though. I don't know the exact age you would tell your child outright that they weren't biologically your child...but by the time they got to that point they would know enough background to this topic, it would be normalized and not shocking. And it would be likely younger then you might think.
Basically you look for opportunities to give new information, talk about older information they are processing, normalizing the experience. There is no need to sit down and surprise any child about their history. Even if its a tough one.
^^It wasn't your post that I quoted. I believe you were talking about adoption, not egg donation. I think adoption is probably a little easier for a young child to understand, you don't need to know anything about human reproduction.
^^It wasn't your post that I quoted. I believe you were talking about adoption, not egg donation. I think adoption is probably a little easier for a young child to understand, you don't need to know anything about human reproduction.
Earlier I talked about talking about adoption around 2-3, and beginning to talk about concepts around egg donation around 4-5y. It depends on the child but 4-5 isn't nearly as early as people think it might be...again it would be bits of information, not a full blown college lecture in human fertility and reproduction.
Earlier I talked about talking about adoption around 2-3, and beginning to talk about concepts around egg donation around 4-5y. It depends on the child but 4-5 isn't nearly as early as people think it might be...again it would be bits of information, not a full blown college lecture in human fertility and reproduction.
If you had a child who at that age you felt was ready to start hearing about how he or she came from an egg donor, how would you start the conversation and what exactly would you tell the child at that point?
Honestly, I would probably not tell the child until they had a need to know. Like the instance in the OP where she is going to college, about to live somewhat independently.
Its not that I would keep it a secret and if it came out, it came out, but it doesn't even seem relevant. For example, would you describe to your child any issues you had with conception? Talk about the position they were conceived in? How many times it took for you to get pregnant? All of this seems like information that no one needs to know. The fact that a donor egg or sperm was used is, in my mind, part of the entire conception package. I guess I don't feel like I need to discuss mechanics and therefore it would not register to me unless there was a health issue I needed to alert my child to.
And BTW, donors are heavily screened so the recipient would apparently be well aware of any potential problems well before the child was 18. It just doesn't seem like an issue to me. And its certainly not on par with the idea of adoption in my mind.
Honestly, I would probably not tell the child until they had a need to know. Like the instance in the OP where she is going to college, about to live somewhat independently.
Its not that I would keep it a secret and if it came out, it came out, but it doesn't even seem relevant. For example, would you describe to your child any issues you had with conception? Talk about the position they were conceived in? How many times it took for you to get pregnant? All of this seems like information that no one needs to know. The fact that a donor egg or sperm was used is, in my mind, part of the entire conception package. I guess I don't feel like I need to discuss mechanics and therefore it would not register to me unless there was a health issue I needed to alert my child to.
And BTW, donors are heavily screened so the recipient would apparently be well aware of any potential problems well before the child was 18. It just doesn't seem like an issue to me. And its certainly not on par with the idea of adoption in my mind.
I pretty much agree. You can do a little "child-led" discussion too, keeping in mind that "where did I come from" joke I posted earlier. What does the kid want to know at 4, 8, 12, 16, etc? Certainly by the time the son/daughter is an adult, they should know.
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