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Old 05-04-2018, 03:57 PM
 
Location: Northern CA area
73 posts, read 35,929 times
Reputation: 83

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Hi all:

While this forum definitely has a select amount of judgmental people, I have received some pretty substantial advise from this community in the past that has helped me significantly, so I think I'm going to turn to you guys for some help regarding some family issues I'm dealing with right now.
This past week has been extremely hard, especially emotionally. About 3 days ago I got a call from my father's nurse saying she came home to him laying in bed, completely unconscious, and then she said that she called an ambulance in order to get my dad to the nearest hospital as soon as possible. The second I got off the phone I sped over to the hospital my dad was in to see what was going on, because prior to discussing everything with the doctors I thought he'd had a heart attack or something of that sort. But then after hours of waiting his doctor pulled me aside and told me they found an excess amount of antidepressants and sleeping pills in his system, which basically means he overdosed. They have him on life support right now but I've been told to prepare for the worst as chances of him surviving are beyond slim.

My dad struggled with really bad depression throughout his life and had tried killing himself twice before (once when I was 12 and then twice rather recently) but I never thought he'd actually do it. He must have finally reached a point where he couldn't take it anymore, but even though I should have expected this to happen it still came as a complete shock and it's really messed me up. I haven't slept in 3 days and keep hoping they'll call me and tell me he'll end up making it after all. And to make matters worse, I am dealing with all of this on my own as my sister is as selfish and as apathetic as always and says she's "too busy with work" to fly over and be here, while my mom just couldn't care less about whether my dad dies or not and literally, and I quote, told me to "call when I get the news".
While I expected this kind of attitude from my mother as she's pretty much the nastiest person I've ever had to deal with (plus her and my dad have been bitterly divorced for about 30 years), I really did think that my sister would have the decency to show up. I actually told her the chances of him making it are close to zero and she just brushed it off and said there's nothing she can do because of work, and that when he "actually dies", she'll fly over to deal with proceedings such as his will, a burial, etc. The indifference is unbelievable. And the most annoying part of all is that she's still resentful towards our dad about events that took place when we were kids (40+ years ago!!) while she's perfectly fine with bankrolling our mom's life and spending time with her even though the fact of the matter is our mom treated us 1000 times worse than our dad did while we were growing up. Our dad may have been harsh and mean at times but even back then he was dealing with severe depression that was making him act that way; he would feel so guilty afterwards and he was STILL way nicer than our mom. My mom has no excuse at all other than the fact she's a downright distasteful person. Oh no but apparently according to my sister, that's totally fine. It's only our dying father that deserves a grudge.

I have been getting an overflowing amount of support from my wife, which is something I'm extremely grateful for, but she too agrees that my sister's behavior is unacceptable and that something needs to be done. We've told our daughters that their grandfather is in the hospital and in critical condition, but I told my wife to keep the part about him overdosing private as I don't want to traumatize them and make them even more upset. They were close to him, especially my daughter Dani, and I don't know if telling them would be appropriate or not. The thing is, they keep asking about what exactly happened and why he's in the hospital, which puts me in a really tough position because while I don't want to lie to them, telling them the truth is just as hard because I don't want it to stigmatize them and make them feel even worse about the whole situation. My youngest daughter is only 12, I don't even know if she fully understands what committing suicide truly means.
I just feel this intense mix of sadness, emotional and physical exhaustion, worry, and frustration at my mom and sister and don't know how to deal with it all. If anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks so much to the CD community
-Ken

Last edited by kenneth.24; 05-04-2018 at 04:21 PM..
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:05 PM
 
7,414 posts, read 3,616,521 times
Reputation: 25718
Regarding your sister ... you have to stop expecting her to give what she’s not willing to give. She has her reasons, whether you understand them, agree with them, like them, or not. You cannot control your sister. Only yourself. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you’ll be able to let go. But you’ve heard all this before.

Regarding your kids ... there’s no reason to give them too much detail at this point. It won’t change anything. Speak clinically and vague about what happened. His heart failed. Not his hart failed because he overdosed. (Or whatever the ultimate cause was). When they’re older, they’ll be more emotionally mature and able to process the details.

I’m glad your wife is so supportive. Lean on her to get you through this time. I hope the love of your wife and kids provide you the strength you need.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:19 PM
 
Location: Northern CA area
73 posts, read 35,929 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post

Regarding your kids ... there’s no reason to give them too much detail at this point. It won’t change anything. Speak clinically and vague about what happened. His heart failed. Not his hart failed because he overdosed. (Or whatever the ultimate cause was). When they’re older, they’ll be more emotionally mature and able to process the details.

I’m glad your wife is so supportive. Lean on her to get you through this time. I hope the love of your wife and kids provide you the strength you need.
So I shouldn't tell them he committed suicide, right? Maybe something along the lines of "he went through a heart failure"? The thing is my eldest daughter keeps pushing it, especially because she knows about my dad's history with this mental illness as well as a pretty recent suicide attempt. But if I tell my eldest chances are she'll tell my youngest daughter and I don't want that. I just don't want them knowing.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:23 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
38,180 posts, read 36,980,940 times
Reputation: 72191
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post

Regarding your kids ... there’s no reason to give them too much detail at this point. It won’t change anything.
Absolutely. I agree.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:39 PM
 
7,414 posts, read 3,616,521 times
Reputation: 25718
Has the hospital staff connected you with a social worker? If so you can ask them these questions. Ask them how to explain his situation without going into detail about the overdose.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:43 PM
 
7,414 posts, read 3,616,521 times
Reputation: 25718
I would add that if you aren’t going to tell your daughters, you might want to refrain from telling anyone else. These things have ways of getting out. There’s really no reason anyone needs to know.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:45 PM
 
Location: Northern CA area
73 posts, read 35,929 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post
Has the hospital staff connected you with a social worker? If so you can ask them these questions. Ask them how to explain his situation without going into detail about the overdose.
not yet, since he's on life support right now they said they're waiting until he lets go to start the whole procedure.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:47 PM
 
Location: Northern CA area
73 posts, read 35,929 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by hertfordshire View Post
I would add that if you aren’t going to tell your daughters, you might want to refrain from telling anyone else. These things have ways of getting out. There’s really no reason anyone needs to know.
Yes, I agree. I hope my sister and my mother don't talk about it to anybody else either. I don't know what my sister is planning on doing with my nieces but I really don't want it getting out.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:53 PM
 
5,608 posts, read 3,193,534 times
Reputation: 13232
Post #2 solves your problem. Sorry you are going through this, but there is no need to question your decision on this. You can always tell them when they are older if you choose.
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Old 05-04-2018, 04:56 PM
 
Location: Northern CA area
73 posts, read 35,929 times
Reputation: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Harpaint View Post
Post #2 solves your problem. Sorry you are going through this, but there is no need to question your decision on this. You can always tell them when they are older if you choose.
The problem is I can't control other people such as my sister and my mother. If my daughters talk to my nieces I'm about 98% sure it will come up; and my sister isn't one to keep things a secret or filter situations out. She's definitely going to tell my nieces straight up which is a problem because I can't dictate what they do and I definitely can't tell my sister how to parent. Things between us are already tense enough as it is.
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