Ok i need some mommie advice (pacifier, son, father, adult)

[mari4him]

I have 2 children. My son is 19 years old and was a head banger as a baby/toddler. My daughter is 15 years old and was not. Both were treated the same, discipline was the same, quality time spent with them was the same. I was a stay at home mom with both of them. My days and nights were pretty much dedicated to them and their needs. However, they were two very different baby's and continue to be two very different personalities now that they are teens/young adults.

Having said that, I am a firm believer in being educated. Reading parenting books is a great thing and there is always some insight that you can walk away with. I also agree with some advice that has been given here as far as speaking with the pediatrician if for no other reason than ruling out any issues that may be causing this behavior/reaction from your baby.

I also am not opposed to spanking, HOWEVER, at that age I never would spank, I may have given a gentle little tap on the diaper and said... "no, don't do that" after several previous verbal only no's, but I never truly spanked. Now I am not sure if when you say spank, you mean literally spank or something like what I am describing.

From my experience with my son when he was doing that it was often related to 1 of 3 things... 1) Attention seeking (very normal for a baby to want attention 24/7) 2) Frustration about something (yes they feel it at that age just don't know how and are unable to express what it is) or 3) simply wanting out of where they are to roam around and explore.

My advice is... 1) protecting the baby's head by yes cushioning those area's being used for the head banging 2) make sure that the crib is not being over used... crib should be for naps and bedtime at this age, not confinement... playpens work much better for that and can be moved around to where you remain in sight of the child to talk to, give smiles to, wave at etc. so the child does not feel alone 3) when banging the head seek out if there is anything bothering the child, wet diaper, hunger, possible pain etc. if none is present think about how long the child has been in there and consider maybe the child needing a break or change of scenery or activity.. attention span is minimal at this age and they do require, need and demand attention.

Don't worry too much about creating a brat... at 1 year old that is rarely to happen. You will have plenty of time once the child outgrows this infancy stage to deal with discipline and the "no you can't have everything you want when you want it" later on.. usually 2-4 years of age is a good time to begin this as they start becoming a little more independant. At 0-2 years of age they really just need love, attention and the warmth of their parents close by. It's their security, think of it that way.

I'd strongly recommend a playpen. Both my children spent awake time in their playpens when I had to tend to other things. The playpen had many toys, stuffed animals etc and often was within sight of me and me of them. I'd also have on the radio playing music or the tv on with cartoons to entertain while I cooked or did laundry or what not. You need to remember they do need interaction in some way.

As I said, my two children both had playpens and it worked wonders. My son did the head banging and it went diminishing, so this will pass so long as there is no underlying problem causing it. Once it passed my son was perfectly fine in the playpen. My daughter on the other hand never did the head banging thing but she did go through about 3 playpens as she made them very wobbly by learning to push on the edge and thus push the playpen along the living room floor to wherever she wanted to take it. Quite funny actually, she was a determined little one. Her thing to get my attention was lets play I'll toss everything out of the playpen and then mommy comes by to put it all back in... again, again, again... lol.

The playpen should be a fun thing. Don't use for punishment. Another thing I did is at times when my daughter wanted to play and was acting up, I even (don't laugh) got into the playpen with her and play in her world. This made it a very safe, secure environment for her whenever I was busy doing other things.

Swings, bouncers and walkers are great too. If you don't have these items, they are good investment and provide the child with different environments and activities. It also gives you a tool to use when the child needs attention or a change, moving the child from one to the other often buys you a little time to finish up what you are doing so you can spend time with the child.

Hope some of this helps.

[mrstewart]

The reason I advised these parents to seek advice from their pediatrician is the simple fact that head banging is often associated with autism and there are new screening tools for young children and IF that was the case, early intervention is a tremendous advantage. If you do not agree with your pediatrician or his advice does not seem to be halping your son, maybe seeking out a developmental pediatrician is a good next step.
I actually had a son that cried and cried. He was actually so agitated in the newborn nursery the nurse came to me and said " The only babies that we see cry like that are crack babies!". Thank goodness my husband was on staff at the hospital or I would have had social services calling!!!

He would only sleep for a maximum of 1 hour at a time. These were the most trying times of my life. I was sad, frustrated and was not enjoying him at all. What a terrible time. We never swatted him or pinch him but I was so anxiety ridden I know he could sense it.

And at the risk of sounding like a Pollyanna, one night I was lying in bed with this 7 month old on my chest finally getting to sleep, I realized I had 2 choices. The first one was not very appealing and that was the way I was living. The other was to just realize that he needed more of me than my other children had and I needed to adjust my life to accomodate him. Goodness, he was only a baby. So, I made the decision to love him through it.

The change in BOTH of us was AMAZING and almost immediate. He could not fall asleep unless he was lying on my chest. I had so many friends say he would never get accustomed to falling asleep in his bed. Oh well. I figured I did not know any 18 year olds who still fell asleep on their mothers so I took the chance. It was worth it!

I will say I was worried until he turned 5. I would put him to bed and by morning he had gotten up and was sleeping on the sofa in the family room!! We called him the five year old frat boy!

Happy to say, he is now the sweetest 8 year old who still wants to hug me and cuddle up on the sofa and read. And, he is the only one of my children that comes to me and says "It is 8 and I need to go to bed". Who would have thought?

I have learned so much from him and have enjoyed every bit of it. I wish I had been able to enjoy it earlier.

Also, I took him to the pediatrician to make sure he was ok and not ill.

Like I said, hang in there. Take a deep breath and talk to someone about ways to deal with him that works for you and your wife. One day you will forget how bad it was! I promise!

[karen_s]

Mrstewart, my second baby was the same. Once I accepted it and realized that I could love him right through his "high needs" times, our relationship changed. He too goes to sleep so easily now after years of sleeplessness (he is 6).

For anyone reading this who has a "high needs" baby who can't be soothed easily, please check out "The Fussy Baby Book" by Dr. William Sears - it is amazing and you will feel so much better after reading it!

[Coldjensens]

Careful: The next thread down is a poll about putting child abusers to death!

(that is sarcasm).


Sometimes kids bang their heads on things for stimulation. there is nothing wrong with it unless they are hurting themselves or your house. We had a friend whose son would bang his head agaisnt the wall for fifteen minutes everynight before he could sleep. It lasted about two years. The doctors told her it was fairly common and not to worry about it unless he did nto outgrow it.

[Cruikshl]

you need parenting classes immediatley, from a mother of 4 and nana to 7 you need to step back and see your child is the priority here.

[mari4him]

Originally Posted by max's mama

Hi,

Actually the fact that you are a father, not a mother, made me sigh with relief.
I think that you guys have just gotten a lot of conflicting advice and you are having a hard time dealing with it.
Please talk to your wife about all the advice you got here, I think much of it is very good.
One of the reasons that I haven't said: talk to your pediatrician is because majority of them are clueless on how to deal with behaviour issues. They will tell you to ignore your child when he does and to me this advice gets "thumbs down".

Not to start anything really, but just a curiousity as to why you would say what I have bolded in your quote.

I am a mother but I wonder, is there still some level of expectation that mother's are better parents than father's or expected to parent in a better fashion? Is it more expected or accepted that a father would make mistakes or not know how to best handle a situation with a child or infant than it is to expect or accept that a mother would?

I'm really just asking out of curiousity as to why you would sigh in relief hearing that its the father and not the mother who was posting.

I don't know, I guess I have stepped away from that whole concept of gender based most suitable parent or more knowing parent because of some natural instinct within concept. Not that I ever really subscribed much to it to begin with. But I have encountered some truly wonderful mothers as well as some not so wonderful and a few downright horrific mothers. Likewise, I have encountered some not so wonderful and a few downright horrific fathers, but have also encountered some amazingly wonderful fathers as well.

Have seen single father's doing an amazing job with his children while the mother is off too busy living her own life. Not to mention some horrible stories in the news of suffering and even death of a child at the hands of no other than the mother.

Just a little curiousity as well as a little sharing of my opinion and encounters.

[max's mama]

Originally Posted by mari4him

Not to start anything really, but just a curiousity as to why you would say what I have bolded in your quote.

I am a mother but I wonder, is there still some level of expectation that mother's are better parents than father's or expected to parent in a better fashion? Is it more expected or accepted that a father would make mistakes or not know how to best handle a situation with a child or infant than it is to expect or accept that a mother would?

I'm really just asking out of curiousity as to why you would sigh in relief hearing that its the father and not the mother who was posting.

I don't know, I guess I have stepped away from that whole concept of gender based most suitable parent or more knowing parent because of some natural instinct within concept. Not that I ever really subscribed much to it to begin with. But I have encountered some truly wonderful mothers as well as some not so wonderful and a few downright horrific mothers. Likewise, I have encountered some not so wonderful and a few downright horrific fathers, but have also encountered some amazingly wonderful fathers as well.

Have seen single father's doing an amazing job with his children while the mother is off too busy living her own life. Not to mention some horrible stories in the news of suffering and even death of a child at the hands of no other than the mother.

Just a little curiousity as well as a little sharing of my opinion and encounters.

I actually agree with you 100%.
I think I guess I tend to think that mothers have more of an instinct, more intune with their children then fathers...
And although I don't think that pinching/spanking a year old by a father is any less disturbing, I just feel like mothers (at least most mothers) will tend to attend to a child more.

But again,I actually agree with you 100%, it was a tongue in cheek statement.

[musicalzoo]

don't get me wrong- I'll spank my kids- but not at ONE! they are still babies.

We use the CIO technique- but if after x minutes they are still crying, then we go get them (with my 2 year old its about 15 minutes, and he rarely cries for more than 5, if at all)

pinching is not good at any age (imo)

hes a baby and he needs you. pick him up, give him some extra love and help him calm down- wash, rinse, repeat!

[*Danielle*]

Both of my daughters banged their heads around that age...never in their cribs or never to the point of bruising either...That said, we ignored it. They would scootch themselves over to a wall and bang their heads...lightly. It was a phase for both of my girls that went away quickly.

On the other hand, I am disgusted the way you mistreat your 1 year old...If I EVER caught my husband pinching or spanking our 1 year old, he would be homeless. My husband that is...

Your creating a bigger problem then you think...you need to school yourself on effective discipline...because what your doing is going to create a little monster.

[*Danielle*]

and if your the father...why is the title of this thread 'I need some mommie advice"???