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Status:
"I don't understand. But I don't care, so it works out."
(set 6 days ago)
35,624 posts, read 17,953,728 times
Reputation: 50642
Izzie, if your actual concern involves the health of his feet, and a concern that this will cause a serious health issue, his shoe behavior is very unlikely to cause foot health issues.
It sounds like he's wearing the most comfortable shoes he can find, which will be good for his feet even if they are unattractive.
So a bit of a rant.
I've always been kind of frugal, certainly not overly, not even close. When my son was young we would go to garage sales, buy toys and games. But we bought new stuff also. Hardly ever bought "used" clothing from garage sales or thrift stores until he was around 16 or so. If something was worth buying higher quality, eaxmple:bathrobe from Walmart that will fall apart in a year VS. a $100 high quality one from Macy's that will last much much longer I would buy the $100 one.
So... My 20 something recently graduated from college and now has a full time job, I can't get him to buy new shoes!!! But, he has always been like this from a young age, 5 or so. (he does have high functioning autism/aspergers, FYI) I gave up when he was younger, he would literally cry because he didn't want new shoes, he likes his old ones. So I said fine, let me know when your feet start to hurt.
When my son was around 17 we had a big financial hit when my husband lost his job. Never was able to get something even close, probably mostly to do with his age. Anyway, so thrift stores became our go to for a lot of things. Most of our clothing comes from thrift stores, including some shoes. When I've asked my son repeatedly, let's go shopping for some new nice leather shoes for work, always the same answer, the ones I have are fine, I don't need any. But he really does. The ones he is wearing are thrift store ones I bought out of desperation to get some other than totally worn athletic shoes or some hand me downs from cousin. He willingly went shopping for new clothing when he started his job, dress pants and shirts, new belt, a few ties. But no to the shoes.
Have I made my son too frugal? Maybe a good thing to be frugal but this is ridiculous with the shoe thing!!!!! It been about a year since any "new" shoes, even thrift store ones. He has the money to buy himself shoes. He has no fashion sense either. Will wear leather slip on shoes with white tube socks and shorts. He really doesn't care, he would wear ripped up rags held together with duct tape and safety pins if it was socially acceptable.
I give up.
But some super high quality shoes his size on eBay (Alden, Allen Edmonds...) used and have him wear them a while. Then have him get refinished (either through the company or a local cobbler) and he can have nice shoes for a long, long time
Sorry but what's sad is that you think parents stop caring about their kids when they turn 20.
I'm in my 50s, and my mom still wants to help me out in various ways when she can, along with all her grandkids and my sister and BIL. It's what parents do, good parents anyway. You like to do things to make the lives of the people you love easier. Child or adult, we all can use a helping hand at times
Sure, but dogging your adult offspring's sartorial choices almost never comes off as helpful. It comes off as criticism. Also, it's a rare 20-something who thinks Mom is a great source of style tips. I mean, mom could be Donatella Versace and they'd still be like UGH MOM YOU'RE SO OUT OF TOUCH.
"Helping" (as opposed to badgering) would look more like a gift card to a shop the person likes, especially if given with zero nagging.
No, No, NO!! You have not made your son too frugal. Surely you MUST know that his behavior is typical of high functioning Asperger and Autism patientst /QUOTE]
Yep, hates changes. Always has. But he is doing very well overcoming issues. He is not shy, but sometimes struggles with initiating conversations and the "rhythm" of casual conversation, at times. For some unknown reason the shoe thing has stuck as one of his qwerty things. He is a very reasonable level headed thinker, on a lot of things. But common sense is one thing he lacks, or as they call it "street smarts" which is sometimes a large part of reading non verbal cues. He is not totally clueless just not adept at it.
New (other) shoes probably feel very uncomfortable to him. I don't think this is unusual at all for a kid on the spectrum.
Sure, but dogging your adult offspring's sartorial choices almost never comes off as helpful. It comes off as criticism. Also, it's a rare 20-something who thinks Mom is a great source of style tips. I mean, mom could be Donatella Versace and they'd still be like UGH MOM YOU'RE SO OUT OF TOUCH.
"Helping" (as opposed to badgering) would look more like a gift card to a shop the person likes, especially if given with zero nagging.
Ok, serious question, have you read this thread? This is about a young adult with autism who is wearing shoes that are falling apart in a professional work setting. This is not someone who is thinking about and wanting to assert their own style choices, the thread would not exist if the OP's son was like that.
Ok, serious question, have you read this thread? This is about a young adult with autism who is wearing shoes that are falling apart in a professional work setting. This is not someone who is thinking about and wanting to assert their own style choices, the thread would not exist if the OP's son was like that.
Thank you Emm74.
I was doing this a a somewhat light hearted, kind of funny, kind of frustrated rant. Be if you have ever played telephone the original has morphed somewhat into not what I intended.
My son, although on the spectrum, is a reasonable person and tolerant in just about every other aspect of life and living, except for shoes!! He takes care of his "business" on his own. Does his own taxes, enrollment in college, applying for scholarships, signed up for car and health insurance with very little help or encouragement, or meddling from me.
Thank you all who were not critical. Apparently I have also been kicked out of the "parents" club since my "child" is over 6 years old... I actually thought that was rather funny/sad/not sure what else.
Have a glorious Memorial weekend!!
Last edited by Izzie1213; 05-25-2018 at 11:22 AM..
I was doing this a a somewhat light hearted, kind of funny, kind of frustrated rant. Be if you have ever played telephone the original has morphed into not what I intended. Thank you all who were not critical. Apparently I have also been kicked out of the "parents" club since my "child" is over 6 years old... I actually thought that was rather funny/sad/not sure what else.
Have a glorious Memorial weekend!!
You too! And since my son is still young enough, he's already been told his Memorial Day weekend will include some shoe shopping.
I actually think that the shopping part is the worst thing for him - not that he doesn't prefer his comfy broken in (albeit too small) shoes, but once he actually has new shoes that are reasonably comfortable, he doesn't mind wearing them, it's the process of acquiring them that he objects to the most.
No, No, NO!! You have not made your son too frugal. Surely you MUST know that his behavior is typical of high functioning Asperger and Autism patientst /QUOTE]
Yep, hates changes. Always has. But he is doing very well overcoming issues. He is not shy, but sometimes struggles with initiating conversations and the "rhythm" of casual conversation, at times. For some unknown reason the shoe thing has stuck as one of his qwerty things. He is a very reasonable level headed thinker, on a lot of things. But common sense is one thing he lacks, or as they call it "street smarts" which is sometimes a large part of reading non verbal cues. He is not totally clueless just not adept at it.
I am the same as your son. I'm older, 52, but always been the same with change. I can do new shoes but exactly the same brand, look. But harder to adjust to change and as for the other traits about conversations and common sense, I have dont like small talk and lack basic common sense everyone says. But yet I have a good job and have functioned well in society. But I do like my routines....
I would let him figure out his shoes, dont push, as that causes anxiety likely. He will decide to get new shoes when he decides.
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