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Whatever you do, don't speak about their mother as you have here. I'm not saying you are wrong in your opinion of her--just don't ever share it with the kids. Should the kids say something about their mother, reply with a non-comment, like "Oh, that's interesting" or whatever is appropriate.
Hi everyone! Long time poster just never in this particular forum. I need serious advice here. I am a 43 year old single woman who has no kids of her own. I never was interested in having them from a young age. I have always had serious relationships with men who didn't have kids of their own so it was "easy". .
Two VERY important question for you -- Do you LIKE kids? Are you ready to possibly be a stepmother to them, or at least to be a big part of their lives and help to raise them?
Raising kids is not easy, and helping to raise someone else's kids is even harder. If you don't feel like you are ready to commit, PLEASE don't even think of making your relationship any more than it is until both kids are in high school, or even older. This is not just for their sakes, but for your own as well. Once you make a commitment to kids, it is not right or fair to anyone to just walk away if you find out that it is not what you want -- and that applies to ALL parents.
You should also know that with many parents, their kids come first before anyone else. As you have never had to deal with that fact before and that is true with your guy, you should prepare for that possibility.
Hi everyone! Long time poster just never in this particular forum. I need serious advice here. I am a 43 year old single woman who has no kids of her own. I never was interested in having them from a young age. I have always had serious relationships with men who didn't have kids of their own so it was "easy". Well I've met someone who's become important to me and he has a 7 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I have not met the kids yet but it's coming to that time as we are discussing our future together. Their mother is not a great mother. She has severe drinking and anger issues and was actually just put in jail for domestic violence about a month ago. She is not being very active in their lives.
I believe the introduction will be on July 4th at a bbq at his house. Now I am not trying to in anyway be their mom but if this does progress I will obviously be around them occasionally as he basically has full custody of them and the mother is not proactive in taking them a lot.
Any advice for me on what to do, say, act, anything? Any advice on how to make this introduction and possibly integration easy would be greatly appreciated. He is truly a unicorn and I need to put my big girl pants on and I honestly just don't know what to do...Thanks in advance for any advice given.
I kind of was in your situation some years ago. Just be yourself. be their friend, treat them like you would treat your nephews and nieces. Don't act mommy. Act more auntie or big sister. Do act like a play mate. Try to put yourself in their shoes. The relationships with will evolve. In my case I was close to my ex kids. they are now graduated from college. I don't speak to my ex but I am friends with his kids, especially the girl.
We've recently incorporated a brother and sister, who's close to the ages of the brother and sister you're talking about OP, into our extended family.
I am their new 'grandma' and they call me grandma.
It might be nice to bring small and inexpensive little gifts for the kids, when you go to the BBQ. Maybe a coloring book and crayons for the 7 yr. old, and maybe something Marvel related, like an action figure, for the 10 yr. old. Maybe give them the gifts after introductions.
They'll think your super nice, if you do that. :-)
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Is he planning to tell the kids you will be there? I think a few days before the barbecue, he should tell them he's dating a woman ("friend" is less clear) who he really likes and he thinks the kids will also like. And say something nice about you, and that you're interested in hearing about their ___ or seeing their ____.
And good that you know not to be physically affectionate. ;D That's a big one.
It might also be nice to let them know that their dad has told you a lot about them, and you've been looking forward to meeting them, and getting to know them.
Don't be too gushy, but just be your warm nice self. :-)
Just be friendly, kind, and polite. Ask them some questions about school, , movies, summer activities, etc., and listen to the responses. Take your cues from them. If they're reserved, don't be too pushy. If they're happy and engaged, you be the same.
Thank you for all of the advice. I really appreciate it. They are aware that he has a friend. I don't know if the BBQ will happen but I know some kind of event is happening. He may not even have the kids tomorrow if the mother decides to take them. It's still kinda up in the air at this point.
I thought about bringing gifts but nixed that idea and have settled on a Carvel ice cream cake! YUMO!
This is all clearly new to me so I'll take it as it comes one step at a time
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