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Old 06-25-2018, 06:08 PM
 
Location: Way up high
14,100 posts, read 20,532,493 times
Reputation: 14373

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Hi everyone! Long time poster just never in this particular forum. I need serious advice here. I am a 43 year old single woman who has no kids of her own. I never was interested in having them from a young age. I have always had serious relationships with men who didn't have kids of their own so it was "easy". Well I've met someone who's become important to me and he has a 7 year old daughter and a 10 year old son. I have not met the kids yet but it's coming to that time as we are discussing our future together. Their mother is not a great mother. She has severe drinking and anger issues and was actually just put in jail for domestic violence about a month ago. She is not being very active in their lives.


I believe the introduction will be on July 4th at a bbq at his house. Now I am not trying to in anyway be their mom but if this does progress I will obviously be around them occasionally as he basically has full custody of them and the mother is not proactive in taking them a lot.


Any advice for me on what to do, say, act, anything? Any advice on how to make this introduction and possibly integration easy would be greatly appreciated. He is truly a unicorn and I need to put my big girl pants on and I honestly just don't know what to do...Thanks in advance for any advice given.
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Old 06-25-2018, 07:08 PM
 
Location: DFW
188 posts, read 55,578 times
Reputation: 326
Just simply be yourself! How old are they? Do you know anything about them like their hobbies? Interests?
Just be pleasent, friendly....basic stuff. Ask them what shows/ movies they like,.they're human too...have you ever been around kids? Kids are smart. They can pick up on good and not good people and they can twll when you're not genuine.

Will there be other People there? Do they know about you?
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Old 06-25-2018, 07:16 PM
 
Location: Coastal Georgia
36,089 posts, read 44,242,924 times
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Who cares for them now? Is it your boyfriend, or someone else? At age 7 and 10, they have had plenty of time for their mother’s behavior to have screwed them up. Tread very lightly.

The best case scenario is that you like them and they like you, and they are hungry to be loved by a woman who they can trust. Whatever you do, do not give them hope and then disappear.
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Old 06-25-2018, 07:19 PM
 
6,373 posts, read 3,595,065 times
Reputation: 14678
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nattaty25 View Post
Just simply be yourself! How old are they? Do you know anything about them like their hobbies? Interests?
Just be pleasent, friendly....basic stuff. Ask them what shows/ movies they like,.they're human too...have you ever been around kids? Kids are smart. They can pick up on good and not good people and they can twll when you're not genuine.

Will there be other People there? Do they know about you?

Yes. Ask them about what they like to do etc. But don't ask TOO many questions because no one likes that. Also, don't get lovey with their Dad!!
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Old 06-25-2018, 08:07 PM
 
Location: Way up high
14,100 posts, read 20,532,493 times
Reputation: 14373
Thanks for the responses. He's the main caretaker as he's got his shyt together and owns a house. She's got a microscopic 1 bedroom. She is a trainwreck and the kids have seen some horrible behavior out of her-makes me sad for them and him. He's a good guy.


I would never get affectionate in front of them. They are aware there is a "friend" that Dad has.
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Old 06-25-2018, 08:56 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,673 posts, read 16,641,226 times
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Treat those children the same way that you would treat the young children of any of your other good friends or like a niece or nephew. Be friendly and nice and interested in them.

If, over the next six months or year or so, you and their father become serious and decide to marry then you can slowly get more involved in their lives.

As a retired elementary school teacher I have seen far too many situations where young children get very attached to boyfriends/girlfriends of their parent and are devastated when those people leave. Please don't make their young lives even harder.

Good luck.
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Old 06-25-2018, 09:09 PM
 
Location: New Jersey
496 posts, read 338,353 times
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Treat kids as you would with anyone-with respect, and since they're older elementary aged kids, I would say they probably have seen their fair share of bad stuff from mom. Be careful in that aspect, follow Dad's lead when it comes to the mom.
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Old 06-25-2018, 09:23 PM
 
15,953 posts, read 19,081,187 times
Reputation: 25938
Quote:
Originally Posted by gentlearts View Post
Who cares for them now? Is it your boyfriend, or someone else? At age 7 and 10, they have had plenty of time for their mother’s behavior to have screwed them up. Tread very lightly.

The best case scenario is that you like them and they like you, and they are hungry to be loved by a woman who they can trust. Whatever you do, do not give them hope and then disappear.


I agree. And this goes for all three of them.....please be sure that you are interested in a future with this man and his children. Single parents don't date, they have relationships.

I might bring something to do with the holiday for each of the kids. Nothing too spendy, but definitely picked out with their interests in mind...so check with dad.

Be yourself and be the best partner to their dad that you can be. Kids watch and observe and learn nearly everything about how to be treated and how to treat their future loved ones by observing the adults around them.'

Also, be very present......don't check your phone, don't call or text other folks.....show real interest in the kids.

You obviously are already a caring loving person.....so be yourself and be receptive to these little kids who may have wounded hearts......

Don't run the first time the kids test you.....and they will test you. They will be watching to see if you really are staying, sometimes well before they let you into their hearts they will put you through "it". Always let dad be the disciplinarian.

And never ever say anything negative about their mom. you may think it, but never say it to them.

I hope the best for all of you.
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Old 06-25-2018, 11:01 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
41,043 posts, read 39,719,537 times
Reputation: 78009
Quote:
Originally Posted by himain View Post
They are aware there is a "friend" that Dad has.
How long have you been dating?
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Old 06-25-2018, 11:12 PM
 
Location: Texas
5,615 posts, read 12,436,244 times
Reputation: 10649
My situation was the same but I'm a guy and the woman had 3 children-2 girls and 1 boy. When I met the kids, all it turned out to be was a meet and greet kinda thing. Because you already know that their mom is not much of one, you need to stay positive with any comments. Probably best if mom is never the subject of any conversation but if you get cornered, be honest but positive. Always be supportive to them and be there when needed, if they ask for help. You might later on offer to help with their homework from school or a project from school. You'd be surprised that kids know more about adults than adults think. While obviously not Rhodes Scholars, kids aren't dumb, they can see thru a lie. They also can recognize when an adult is trying to help. In my situation, the boy got completely out of control and went to live with his father. He and his mom do not have any kind of relationship. The 2 girls are pretty much mine. Their dad was never around, had no interest in them, so they rely on me for fatherly advice. They both know wherever I am, that's home and all it takes to come back home is a phone call saying they're coming. I didn't have a fall back when I was a kid, my parents died at an early age so that's been more important to me than to them. Just be there for them after you get a relationship going. Don't be critical and certainly never tell a kid that what they are doing is stupid. Just give alternatives and consequences of their actions. They'll usually figure it out on their own. And never say "I told you so". Both of my girls came out reasonably good. One is a highly successful attorney. The youngest just got her Masters in Nursing and is now studying to be an anesthesiologist. I've taught both to be independent and do not count on anybody but themselves. It's worked great so far. So be yourself, be honest, be positive, be supportive, and if they want it, give lots of hugs and love. You'll be just fine.
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