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View Poll Results: Should I talk to neighbor about what has happened or stop relationship?
Yes, talk to her about problem but continue relationship 11 39.29%
Yes, talk to her about problem; but discontinue relationship 6 21.43%
No, don't talk to her about the problem, just cut things off. 7 25.00%
No, just act like nothing has happened 4 14.29%
Voters: 28. You may not vote on this poll

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Unread 03-31-2008, 12:56 PM
 
95 posts, read 198,002 times
Reputation: 41
Default Neighbors

Please let us know how this one turns out. It would probably make you feel better to talk to her, but I am not sure that I would count on much changing. It sounds like she is nice to you, yet talks badly about your family behind your back. That may not change. She may tell you what you want to hear and then things are still the same.

The most important thing is to figure out what will be good for your kids. If parents set bad examples, I have found that the kids start to imitate their parents behavior and act accordingly. Make sure that these kids are nice to your kids if they continue playing together.

We had a birthday party situation like that happen once. The girl said that she didn't invite my kids because we didn't invite her to our party. That wasn't true, but there was nothing that I could do about it. I didn't address it with the parent, but they didn't live right next door. If they did and I had to see them all the time, I probably would have. I did address a problem with a neighbor recently and the parent took it out on my daughter. He waited to say something snotty when she was riding in his car during a carpool situation. Needless to say, I don't allow her to be taken anywhere by this family anymore.

I am amazed at the behavior of some parents. Having kids in middle school is like going through it yourself all over again!

Last edited by goldenmom; 03-31-2008 at 01:05 PM..
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Unread 03-31-2008, 01:30 PM
 
5,244 posts, read 2,836,402 times
Reputation: 1785
I'm glad to see these things don't only happen to me. We have a neighbor that is about 7 doors down that did things like this but our kids are younger so don't "see" eachother in school to "talk" to eachother about it. I asked her about it and she had some lame excuse then I stopped talking to her. I can imagine it will be similar to your situation when they are in school. These situations also happen to me in play groups where people are all congenial to us then we (my kids & I) are not invited then the kids tell each other or the other moms talk about the function right in front of me as if I am not there then when they realize I wasn't included quiet down about it. I don't know what it is and it makes me feel like a misfit but moreover, my kids are so young they don't realize it but later it will hurt them if this sort of junk continues. A lot of times I think it is some sort of jealousy but who knows???
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Unread 03-31-2008, 02:22 PM
 
Location: Dallas, NC
1,704 posts, read 2,334,919 times
Reputation: 771
I wouldn't even bother if it were me. It's obvious by the comments the kids made that she is saying bad things about you in her house. I wouldn't let my kid play with them anymore, period. When they knock on the door, say sorry they can't play. They may be kids but the parents are shaping those kids to be like them.

Had this situation with a neighbor. She started talking ugly about me and another friend with her little PTO group last year so we ended the friendship with her. She didn't think about the fact that our sons are the only kids in the neighborhood for her son to play with. We feel bad for the kid but at the same time, I don't want my kid around her so that's that. I'm not going to be her babysitter for him to come to my house all the time either. Some situations can't be fixed and she sounds like a B**** for doing that to your kids. Just stop talking to her and stop letting the kids play. She'll get the picture and if she doesn't, tell her. Don't accept excuses just tell her it's best to end the relationship if she is going to say things to her kids about you and your family and exclude your children from parties.
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Unread 03-31-2008, 02:57 PM
 
Location: The Big D
14,874 posts, read 21,585,621 times
Reputation: 5787
Quote:
Originally Posted by gardener34 View Post
Just be careful when you confront this Mom about the problems. People that act like this may be "toxic" individuals. Don't expect to hear a "sorry" - plan to hear excuses. She sounds kinda lame. And I would make sure your kid has other playmates besides these.
I agree. IF she does want to "discuss" it with her I would do it in a more "oh, matter of fact" kind of way even if you had to purposely somehow run into her or such. Not call and set a time and place to discuss it. Since it would be a more "oh yeah" kind of thing it would be less "somethings up" in her mind even though YOU KNOW that the next time you see her you want the subject to somehow get around to birthday parties or family outings. I'd might start it more like, "oh we saw on our way out for our family outing your girls were having a great time at their birthday party. I do hope everyone enjoyed themselves. Did the new little boy come? We had a GREAT time on our family outing and our kids are always wanting us to do them more." This way you have paid her a compliment in a way but also brought up the situation but not in a confrontational way. Then if she says something about your kids not being invited or such you can address it then. But I'd still do it more in the, "oh we had such a GREAT time bowling and the kids were a little upset about missing Suzie's birthday party." This way she does not have any ammunition against you that you "jumped her" in any way shape of form. You do NOT want it to get blown out of proportion at all.
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Unread 03-31-2008, 08:03 PM
 
6,589 posts, read 15,062,800 times
Reputation: 2955
Oh, I could write a book about this subject. I'm afraid if I start typing, I'll never stop. I have so many stories about dealing with neighborhood families.

Just stay away. Don't talk to the mom. You are much much better off just having your kids play with their true friends, ones they make at school or wherever because they have similar interests and just get along and not just because they live in the neigborhood.

Parents are weird. I've had more than one parent tell me that neighborhood kids aren't "real" friends even if they spend morning noon and night with them. I have had parents tell me that birthday parties are really just for their kids' sports teammates because those are their only true friends because playing sports is a bonding experience. I have had kids tell me what their parents really think of me and my son, yet they continued to come over day after day. I've had kids pee in vases in my house and do other bizarre things that the parents have no problem with (boys will be boys school of thought). I have had kids tell me their parents hate me and then those same kids show up on my doorstep Sunday morning at 8am and tell me their parents sent them over so they could have a break and the parents told them I would make them breakfast, too. I have had a mom tell me that she was dumping her youngest child on me because in the past so many neighbor moms dumped their kids on her and it was her turn to dump her kid on someone in the neighborhood. Or the parent who said we weren't religious enough and so her kid wasn't allowed to play with mine - until said parent had a child care issue and calls me, the Not Religious Enough, to watch her child.

I've seen it all. Experienced it all. I'm not even telling you the good stuff. I'm telling you it's not worth it. Just keep to yourself and import friends as you need to and want to. Just stay away from the neighbors.

AGH!!
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Unread 03-31-2008, 08:38 PM
 
2,483 posts, read 4,624,122 times
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Wow all I can say is you parents are worse than kids! Wow over protective? Jealous? This behavior by the parents is non-sense. Kids are kids. Let the kids play and dont invite the parents over too much, just let those kids play.
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Unread 03-31-2008, 10:13 PM
 
Location: New York
371 posts, read 1,216,589 times
Reputation: 232
Neighbors - you can't pick them (just like family). I mean really. You buy a house and you have no idea if you have friendly neighbors or neighbors that aren't friendly and just want to be left alone. I think this is why so many people go outside their neighborhoods to make friends. They join stay at home moms groups, country clubs (some that can afford it), through churches, their kids schools and their programs. I really mean it. You don't get neighborhood welcoming committees or block parties anymore.

We lived next door to some people with a girl the exact same age as my son. My son wanted to play with her and it was not allowed. He's a boy and he's not gentle enough or whatever reason they had. We never knew because they never wanted to be honest and tell us. It broke my son's heart and I'll tell you that some people could care less about the children's feelings. That's what breaks my heart. They have hang ups and then they pass them on.

I would say let them play with the other kids, IF they don't start feeling like there is something wrong with them and the kids can stop their comments that are coming from the parents. If they keep bringing the negativity into your house and don't stop then have your kids find other friends.

My son wants to be friends with everyone in the world (his words - he's 5 years old). I told him that's great, but there are some people that may not want other friends and they could be unkind about it. He experienced 2 boys at school that didn't want to include him. I said just leave them alone and go to someone who does need a friend. We'll see, but I think its harder on us then them. My heart has broken many times at the playground and hasn't healed nearly as fast as his. I dread the girlfriend years.
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Unread 04-01-2008, 05:51 AM
 
Location: In an alternate universe according to some
10,093 posts, read 10,379,531 times
Reputation: 4236
Now would be a good time to teach the kids that not everyone is going to like them nor is everyone going to be nice. We've lived through this and gone through our share of pain over how our son's been treated by others and while it bothered him for quite a while he finally got to the place where he doesn't really care anymore. As he stated to us "I don't care if they like me or not, I know I'm a good person and if they don't like me too bad for them, it's their loss not mine". We don't WANT our son to base his self worth on what others say, especially some dingbat adult that was probably shunned when she was young. The bottom line is while our son doesn't have a lot of friends his life doesn't revolve around them nor does his self worth depend on others telling him how great or bad he is. He's comfortable either being alone or with people, he's just done fighting to be "with" the crowd.
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Unread 04-01-2008, 06:38 AM
 
Location: Fort Mill, SC
1,105 posts, read 2,873,719 times
Reputation: 587
I don't know why an adult would be so rude. If your kids do in fact play together, I can't imagine why the parents wouldn't invite your children to the party when so many kids were there. It would be different if the parent's said to pick five friends for a sleepover or something.

But I do have to say, be VERY, VERY careful about getting caught up in the kids drama. Even the best kids lie sometimes, embellish sometimes, misunderstand what their parents say, etc. Definately talk to your kids if they bring it up.

I have a five year old son who fortunately has been exposed to that sort of stuff yet but we live in a very close knit neighborhood and I have seen it with some of the older girls. There are three third graders right around me and it seems like they can't all three be friends. Fortunately all the parents handle it really well but I can see some parents really taking it personally and getting way too involved in all the drama.

Use it as a learning experience for your children. You don't have to be friends but you do have to be neighbors (unless one of you moves) and you want the relationship to at least be civil for that reason. You aren't going to change people. I would do as someone else suggested. The kids can come over to your house to play but I wouldn't let your kids go over to their house.
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Unread 04-15-2008, 10:52 AM
 
20 posts, read 55,641 times
Reputation: 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by SMITTY518 View Post
Thanks, Miss Ebony you make a good point. I will be able to keep a better eye on things in my own home. You are also correct when stating that it's a problem with the mom. The kids are only repeating what they have heard.
THEY ARE ALSO REPEATING WHAT THEY ARE TAUGHT YOUR CHILDREN MAY NOT UNDERSTAND NOW BUT THEY WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN THEY ARE OLDER THAT SOME PEOPLE ARE MEAN AND THEY JUST CAN'T HELP IT. JUST MAKE SURE YOU RAISE YOUR CHILDREN BETTER THEN THAT AND THEY WILL BE OKAY, AND LET THEM KNOW IT'S OKAY TO BE FRIENDS WITH THEM THEY DON'T KNOW ANY BETTER NOW BUT THEY WILL ALSO SEE LATER THAT THEIR MOM IS WRONG.I WOULD SPEAK TO THAT MOM FROM A DISTANCE BECAUSE SHE HAS HER OWN ISSUES.
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