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Thank you all. My husband and i are definitely both oversharers. Especially when it comes to LO. Since becoming a parent, ive turned into that obnxious person who cant stand talking about their kid or shoving pictures of them in your face. This is something my H and i need to work on and get on the same page abput.
Im not good at conflict and put too much emphsis on how other people feel. When i was seeing a therapist, i was told i am nkt responbile for other peoples feeling but this never really stuck with me. Going back to the class, how should i have handled that so MIL knows it is my time with LO and not hers? Im a working parents so these little weekend activites are so important to me. Often by the tine i get back from work, i can only spend an hour with LO before it is his bedtime.
Just from observing rather than actually being a parent, I would not get all excited about "firsts" - most of the people I know miss the firsts with their kids because they are working parents and it's the childcare providers who see the firsts. They don't really mean much in the long run. The kid doesn't remember them and you probably won't after it actually happens. I think the "firsts" that matter are about what the kid really remembers. 20 years ago I took my younger cousin to Assateague Island to see the wild ponies there. The wonder on her face and the absolute delight are something that will always stay with me, but the real gratification comes from the fact that it's still a trip she talks about. But that first didn't really matter much - we went back a couple years later, couldn't find any ponies and then as we were leaving the island one galloped out of the dunes right in front of the car. Same look of joy and wonder as the first time and it was just one freakin' pony. Totally made the trip worth it.
However, this issue of boundaries is VERY important. Just don't feed her the information. Put her strictly on a need-to-know basis. Seriously, she's being weirdly stalkerish. Agree with your husband that some topics are simply off limits when it comes to his mother.
Except parents (particularly first time parents) DO actually get excited about firsts - and that's ok. Later on they may come to the conclusion that it's not as important as they once thought, but that's not justification for taking over someone else's parenting wishes and experience.
OP, in your view, what are Mama things and what are Grandma things?
Then only talk with Grandma about Grandma things.
Be vague about your Mama things plans and events and encourage Grandma things.
For example, in my mind Pediatrician appts., music classes, swimming lessons, ... are Mama things.
In my mind, trips to the zoo, the aquarium, children's museum, afternoon tea, ... are Grandma things.
In my mind, two days a week is plenty for Grandma time. One time, perhaps on the weekend, when the whole family gets together for a meal, trip to the zoo, or whatever. One time a week when she gets to spend special time with your LO. Maybe a visit alone as your LO gets older while you get a pedicure, or a massage, or shop, or whatever.
Whatever model you come up with that works for you, reinforce that model. If she mentions wanting to do this, that, or the other, mention a time next week or the week after when you could schedule that.
As others have said, don't mention your Mama things.
She will undoubtedly bring up that she feels she is being cut out of things. Then you tell her how much you appreciate her wanting to be involved with your LO, how precious that is, what a blessing. What day next week does she want to do this?
There likely is no way to help her understand that you feel she is steamrolling you. If she had that kind of sensitivity, understanding she wouldn't have shown up at the music class and pushed you aside.
Thank you all. My husband and i are definitely both oversharers. Especially when it comes to LO. Since becoming a parent, ive turned into that obnxious person who cant stand talking about their kid or shoving pictures of them in your face. This is something my H and i need to work on and get on the same page abput.
Im not good at conflict and put too much emphsis on how other people feel. When i was seeing a therapist, i was told i am nkt responbile for other peoples feeling but this never really stuck with me. Going back to the class, how should i have handled that so MIL knows it is my time with LO and not hers? Im a working parents so these little weekend activites are so important to me. Often by the tine i get back from work, i can only spend an hour with LO before it is his bedtime.
I would have asked my mil to sit at the side and take photos that is past now so it’s time for developing a strategy for the future and as others suggest just stop telling her about you mother activities with your child.
Thank you all. My husband and i are definitely both oversharers. Especially when it comes to LO. Since becoming a parent, ive turned into that obnxious person who cant stand talking about their kid or shoving pictures of them in your face. This is something my H and i need to work on and get on the same page abput.
Im not good at conflict and put too much emphsis on how other people feel. When i was seeing a therapist, i was told i am nkt responbile for other peoples feeling but this never really stuck with me. Going back to the class, how should i have handled that so MIL knows it is my time with LO and not hers? Im a working parents so these little weekend activites are so important to me. Often by the tine i get back from work, i can only spend an hour with LO before it is his bedtime.
OP, you sound very young. May I ask how old you are?
Your therapist is correct- you are not responsible for others feelings. Your MIL made a choice to be a career-orientated parent and have her time be taken up with that. It is NOT your responsibility to help absolve her of her guilt over that choice, period.
If you allow your MIL to take over situations she will do it. If you choose to not say anything she will continue to do it. Your MIL is not a mind reader so at least give her the courtesy of telling her, gently and firmly, that she is overstepping her boundaries. Your husband also needs to stand up to her and not lay this all on you. YOU come first now, not your MIL.
And I don't agree with what another poster said about firsts not being important. They may not be remembered by the child but they're obviously remembered by the parents and if that's important to a parent, then it must be respected by others.
Time to put your big-girl undies on, OP. Good luck.
You need to talk to her and tell her how you feel. She doesn’t know she is taking time away or taking away your firsts. You’ll never get that time back. You don’t need to cut her out, you need to set boundaries and be firm.
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Originally Posted by Kibbiekat
Stop telling her stuff. Don't tell her about mommy and me classes. Don't tell her about the pumpkin patch. Don't let her take your child out without you. Every so often, let her have something. Let he have just enough so she doesn't feel like you are purposely leaving her out, but don't let her have your firsts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tominftl
You shouldn’t have to be the “bad guy†let your husband have the “talk†with his mother. Stay as low profile as possible. If she confronts you then you must stand united with your husband. She’ll get the message sooner or later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by GotHereQuickAsICould
OP, in your view, what are Mama things and what are Grandma things?
Then only talk with Grandma about Grandma things.
Be vague about your Mama things plans and events and encourage Grandma things.
For example, in my mind Pediatrician appts., music classes, swimming lessons, ... are Mama things.
In my mind, trips to the zoo, the aquarium, children's museum, afternoon tea, ... are Grandma things.
In my mind, two days a week is plenty for Grandma time. One time, perhaps on the weekend, when the whole family gets together for a meal, trip to the zoo, or whatever. One time a week when she gets to spend special time with your LO. Maybe a visit alone as your LO gets older while you get a pedicure, or a massage, or shop, or whatever.
Whatever model you come up with that works for you, reinforce that model. If she mentions wanting to do this, that, or the other, mention a time next week or the week after when you could schedule that.
As others have said, don't mention your Mama things.
She will undoubtedly bring up that she feels she is being cut out of things. Then you tell her how much you appreciate her wanting to be involved with your LO, how precious that is, what a blessing. What day next week does she want to do this?
There likely is no way to help her understand that you feel she is steamrolling you. If she had that kind of sensitivity, understanding she wouldn't have shown up at the music class and pushed you aside.
Excellent advice. I'm a grandma. I can't imagine barging into a Mommy and me class and grabbing my grandchild away from his mother. Frankly that is actually pretty creepy, I'm actually surprised that the instructor did not step in (I bet that they would have if you had asked them to do that). IMHO, stop sharing specific details about things before the happen. If you would have told grandma later about the classes she could never have shown up uninvited.
Take your child to a pumpkin farm early in the season and share the photographs later with grandma.
IMHO, your MIL had her chance to be a mother. She can be a wonderful grandmother without taking "mommy things" away from you. Make sure that your husband has your back.
When my H and his siblings were growing up, my MIL had a pretty demanding job. She often worked long hours, had business trips, etc. She didnt get the chance to really watch them grow and to raise them.
Both my sister in laws live across the country so MIL didnt have the opportunity to be around them. She felt like she missed out on her own kids and also her older grandkids.
When my H and I had a child last year, MIL went a little overboard compensating for her lost time with her kids/grandkids. We live close to her. She was over 3-4 times a week, she wanted to come to preditrician appointments, she took firsts away from me. I basically felt like she was trying to be a mom again with my kid and I didnt like that feeling.
I talked with my H and he explained the history to me. Abd I get it. Once upon a time she was a working mom and had to give up time with her own kids in order to provide for them. And she missed out on a lot of things. My FIL basically raised them on his own.
I get it . I really do. I'm trying so hard to be ok with sharing my son. I'm trying so hard to not feel resentment when I think shes mothering him. I'm trying. But I'm also failing. I feel resentment, I feel hurt. I feel like there are 2 moms in my sons life. I dont know what I can do to feel better about this situation.
I posted this question in a different forum and was told by everyone that MIL is crazy and she needs to be cut out. I dont want to do that. I want us all to be one happy family but I also want her to respect that there must be boundaries and she cant and she usnt my sons mom.
For example, at a family dinner I told everyone that I was taking a mommy and me music class and how LO loves to bang on the drum. Apparently MIL took this as an invitation. For the remaining 6classes, she came to every one of them and she was the one who held my son and played with him. I felt like an outsider watching. I never asked her to come, she never asked me if she could. She just showed up. It's just things like this that bothers me.
You don't (necessarily) need to cut her out. But you DO need to set firm boundaries. DS and I are going to this class together without you. Period. I don't know exactly how to say it. But don't mince words, don't apologize.
Quote:
If I were to say no dont come, I would feel so guilty.
THAT is on you. Work on that.
Quote:
But when she does come, I feel like shes being intrusive and I feel like an outsider. Either way whether she comes or not, I feel bad.
And she tries and did take firsts from me. With fall coming up, shes all about taking LO to his first pumpkin patch. Abd that's something I want to do with him.
OP, you sound very young. May I ask how old you are?
Your therapist is correct- you are not responsible for others feelings. Your MIL made a choice to be a career-orientated parent and have her time be taken up with that. It is NOT your responsibility to help absolve her of her guilt over that choice, period.
If you allow your MIL to take over situations she will do it. If you choose to not say anything she will continue to do it. Your MIL is not a mind reader so at least give her the courtesy of telling her, gently and firmly, that she is overstepping her boundaries. Your husband also needs to stand up to her and not lay this all on you. YOU come first now, not your MIL.
And I don't agree with what another poster said about firsts not being important. They may not be remembered by the child but they're obviously remembered by the parents and if that's important to a parent, then it must be respected by others.
Time to put your big-girl undies on, OP. Good luck.
Until this summer, we lived half an hour away from my parents and about five hours away from my ILs. I didn’t even want my own parents pestering us with visits so I would make suggestions "DD and DS are interested in trains. It would be fun to take them to the train museum." or "It’s going to be such beautiful weather this week. Why don’t you take them to the zoo and the pumpkin patch." You don’t need to tell everyone everything.
I knew my MIL really wanted to spend more time with my children but couldn’t because of the distance. I didn’t want her to get jealous or feel guilty so I tried to avoid my parents from being around all of the time.
Now my children are older and we are about 9 and 12 hours away respectively. We have visited both sets of grandparents this summer, and each will be visiting this fall. We will go to one set's house for Thanksgiving, and the others for Christmas.
Just from observing rather than actually being a parent, I would not get all excited about "firsts" - most of the people I know miss the firsts with their kids because they are working parents and it's the childcare providers who see the firsts. They don't really mean much in the long run. The kid doesn't remember them and you probably won't after it actually happens. I think the "firsts" that matter are about what the kid really remembers. 20 years ago I took my younger cousin to Assateague Island to see the wild ponies there. The wonder on her face and the absolute delight are something that will always stay with me, but the real gratification comes from the fact that it's still a trip she talks about. But that first didn't really matter much - we went back a couple years later, couldn't find any ponies and then as we were leaving the island one galloped out of the dunes right in front of the car. Same look of joy and wonder as the first time and it was just one freakin' pony. Totally made the trip worth it.
However, this issue of boundaries is VERY important. Just don't feed her the information. Put her strictly on a need-to-know basis. Seriously, she's being weirdly stalkerish. Agree with your husband that some topics are simply off limits when it comes to his mother.
the trip you took your niece is one VERY high up on my bucket list......
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that is past now so it’s time for developing a strategy for the future and as others suggest just stop telling her about you mother activities with your child.
