Served my 19 year old son a 30 Day Notice (ideas, legal, divorce)
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Why in the he!! does a mother have to HELP a 19 year old clean his room??? It's not rocket science. He is lazy and disrespectful. This is a life lesson. He doesn't need coddling.
Maybe along the way she forgot to teach him some life lessons. Sometimes parents take wrong turns along the way of raising their teens, one has to back peddle to fix it. Or maybe other things are going on in his life. Where is the Father? We don't know the entire story.
Have you ever seen a lazy and disrespectful baby? I think parents do have to take some responsibility of how their kids turn out. I had to get some tough love going with my last son--he did have some challenges in life growing up so I will cut him some slack. I still had to help him get on the saddle in his mid-twenties. He is doing well now that he found his niche. I certainly would not have kicked him to the street.
Sorry you're going through this. Is his dad completely out of the picture? He doesn't seem to understand that your house is not a democracy where he gets a vote. If I were his dad his belongings would have been on the yard and his a$$ would have been on the street way before now. It sounds like he's addicted to pot and that will eventually result in him having no money then stealing from you. You've tried establishing boundaries and he blows those off, then plays the guilt card. Stick to your guns or he's going to keep running over you. It's going to be hard but sometimes that's what real love is. Can't believe he's got a girlfriend who would stick around after the way he's abusing you. I have a 57yo cousin who to this day still calls his mommy when he has money issues and has lived with her many times over the last 10 years with his wife and dogs. You're not alone.......
Well, since her son is considered a paying tenant, he does, in fact, have a voice. Plus, you can't put out a paying tenant without going through the eviction process.
That's just the way the law works in most states. Now, if she hadn't charged her son rent, then she could have put him out whenever she wants.
Mostly I agree with your post ... but considering the problems only started 6 months ago, just how long ago is "way before now?"
I mean, there's tough love, sure. But then there's just plain being mean. He is her son, after all, and not some stranger tenant renting a room. I don't think giving him 6 months is such a horrible thing.
Not everything has to be about teaching lessons. Parents like that are tedious and often deliberately cruel just to make some esoteric point. Therefore, when is "way before now?" The very second he was late with rent? "Oh look, rent was due on the 1st. It is now 12:01am on the 2nd ... out you go!"
I also wonder if her son is demonstrating symptoms of severe depression -- because there is a hint of that in his actions. I know, I suffer from depression myself, and I could relate to matters when the OP said her son always said he would clean his room but just never gets around to it. Yes, that could be laziness; it could also be depression because I have the same problem. It's as if you can think about accomplishing things, you can even come up with a plan ... but somehow the day just slips past and you can't even account for the time. The desire to do it is there, just not the will or the motivation.
Heavy pot use is also a symptom, especially if, like the OP said, her son is using it to escape. One should be wondering what, precisely, he is trying to escape from.
It's not that I disagree entirely with the OP's actions and, like with all of these stories, we never really have all the facts -- and only one side of the story.
Because of that, I won't take a side. It's ridiculous to do so when you haven't heard the son's explanation. Something may be going on of great import that the mother is completely unaware of. Who knows? And that's the point ... we don't know.
All I can say to the OP is: Do what you feel you must.
I can't say you're making the wrong decision. He's not in college so it's not like he'll be leaving on his own in the near future.
Refusing to dispose of materials that could get you as a homeowner in trouble (drugs) would be an automatic out for any child of mine and for that very reason. No exceptions. No second chances.
I think if it were only laziness that was bothering you, you might have a chance at working something out to at least feel that he was holding up his end of the deal - provided he had an income and was living a clean life.
But it's not. Good for you that you're not waiting until he's 30 and sues you for it. End this sense of entitlement and be done with it.
One of my girlfriend's had her brother move in with her mother a decade ago. He's now 56 with no prospects of a job, smokes weed all day, abusive to the mother who is in her 80s. She would not practice tough love with him while he was growing up or in his twenties, thirties, or forties.
The "logic" of kicking a confused and directionless young man out on the streets escapes me. What good could possibly come of it? If he's not doing well now, what possible good will occur when you add homelessness to his problems?
When people I love are clearly in need of help, I draw them closer. I don't push them away or throw them away.
People who come from the "parent duties end at 18" school of parenting just don't get it. The most difficult time for many children, is the transition between the teen years and adulthood.
This seems like a very bad time to shirk from your parental duties. The OP should realize than most kids who are kicked out of their houses without an education, a skill, or a trade, do not swim - they sink.
At the very least, kids who are thrown to the wolves, never reach their full potential.
Great post! It's amazing that so many people think that parenting ends at 18. A child's brain doesn't even stop developing until 25...! (The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain's rational part-or at least they should..!)
The thought of throwing the child out at their lowest is a recipe for disaster. It's selfish and immature. The OP is all about a power struggle they aren't acting from a wise parental angle. It's more like "I want to have my way." They're acting more childish than the child.
Great post! It's amazing that so many people think that parenting ends at 18. A child's brain doesn't even stop developing until 25...! (The rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed and won't be until age 25 or so. In fact, recent research has found that adult and teen brains work differently. Adults think with the prefrontal cortex, the brain's rational part-or at least they should..!)
The thought of throwing the child out at their lowest is a recipe for disaster. It's selfish and immature. The OP is all about a power struggle they aren't acting from a wise parental angle. It's more like "I want to have my way." They're acting more childish than the child.
She didn't throw the ADULT out. She gave him an ultimatum. Now the blame lies on him. All he had to do was clean his room, bathroom, and contribute a little money. How trivial that he could not do that but can find the time to smoke pot.
Stop with all the research crap. He is acting like a spoiled brat. One thing I NEVER tolerated was disrespect in my household. He is disrespecting her. Read her initial post.
She didn't throw the ADULT out. She have him an ultimatum. Now the blame lies on him. All he had to do was clean his room, bathroom, and contribute a little money. How trivial that he could not do that but can find the time to smoke pot.
Stop with all the research crap. He is acting like a spoiled brat. One thing I NEVER tolerated was disrespect in my household. He is disrespecting her. Read her initial post.
Agree. Even if your brain is not fully developed , at age 19, it is developed enough to clean your bedroom & bathroom, pay your mother a little of your paycheck for rent/utilities and to not smoke pot in her house.
Maybe along the way she forgot to teach him some life lessons. Sometimes parents take wrong turns along the way of raising their teens, one has to back peddle to fix it. Or maybe other things are going on in his life. Where is the Father? We don't know the entire story.
Have you ever seen a lazy and disrespectful baby? I think parents do have to take some responsibility of how their kids turn out. I had to get some tough love going with my last son--he did have some challenges in life growing up so I will cut him some slack. I still had to help him get on the saddle in his mid-twenties. He is doing well now that he found his niche. I certainly would not have kicked him to the street.
I could not agree more. It's part of parenting to imbue your children with goals and ambition. It's the parent's job to observe what a child's talents, strengths and abilities are and to point them in the right direction.
Conscious and intentional parenting does not begin in a child's late teens, it begins much earlier than that. Once a child enters middle school, there should normally be some discussion of the future.
I also agree that we only know half of the story. I think the OP wants permission to kick her son out. She will not be getting that from this poster.
If you pamper them and give them what they want growing up, you end up with this. If you "just want sonny to be happy" you end up with this. With easy entertainment at hand (netflix, videogames etc.) and widely available pot any loser can be content or even happy with their life if mommy helps pay the bills so his money can be used for amusement. Hopefully this will wake him up, 19 is not too late but she'll see. We aren't supposed to make kids lives as easy as possible for them...
It happens, and some people need the shock of 'sink or swim'. Don't worry, it's not like you're putting him directly in front of a shooting squad.
Quote:
Even the most extreme of winters can be dealt with as a homeless without any clue of available support
Brian is telling it like it really is. I can attest to that.
Threats don't work for you so what you have left is action. Son has run dry of all his chances.
You can ask the police to help you oust him. He is no longer a child age-wise and can be put out legally if he won't go on his own.
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