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I am very sad it has come to this. My son has lived with me since I divorced his dad 10 years ago. It's been very tough as a single parent and Lord knows I have not been perfect but I have done the best I can. He is now 19 and he does have a job.. it's only part time at roughly 25-35 hours per week, he does make good money (primarily in tips).
The issues I am having with him are (1) not helping around the house (2) not paying his rent for the last 2 months (3) smoking pot.
Not helping: His whole life he has had chores. As a teenager I regularly had to keep on him. The last 6 months at least he has been very lazy about pulling his weight and I just can't stand it anymore. 2 months ago I started asking him to clean his room. It's like a bomb went off in there - no joke. I ask nice, I leave post-it's, I text him, I leave letters, I beg him, I yell at him -- nothing works. It's maddening. I can't physically force him to do it and I feel I have tried all other angles. He says he will and never does... he just never gets to it and always has a reason. Same applies to his bathroom. Repeatedly I ask and it took forever before he finally did a half-assed cleaning in there.
Not paying his rent: He probably brings home more than I do, just so you all know, or at least he has the potential to if he doesn't take a bunch of time off. I didn't make him start paying rent right at his 18th birthday but closer to 19. He does not agree but I feel he should not get to live completely rent-free, that THAT is not teaching him about bills in the real world. His rent was $200 and when mine went up, I raised his to $300 + $50 for utilities. I pay all the water, buy food, was helping with his car insurance on a car that I provided with NO car payment (until he bought his own car). He actually has use of TWO bedrooms because he sleeps in the spare room since he outgrew his loft bed. He dirties that one up as well, although not as bad. The last 2 months money seems to have been tight for him, although aside from a couple of speeding tickets which he hasn't had to pay yet, I'm not entirely sure what he has spent it all on. So I cut him a little slack but told him he needs to make an effort.
Smoking pot: In general I don't have a huge issue with marijuana, but when it gets to the point when they smoke daily or it seems like they use it to escape, then I think there's an issue that should be addressed. That's where he is at. He does not smoke in the house, but he smokes it daily and I suspect he drives after having smoked, although maybe not immediately. He will leave to go to his friends house in the middle of the night for a bit, and they smoke there. It's disruptive to my sleep because I hear him and then I worry until he is in safe. He knows he smokes to much and has tried to stop several times but always caves in. He hides it from his girlfriend (somehow)... It's not my thing and I'm just tired of the exposure it and to his USE of it.
On Thursday he was in his room sitting on a pile of dirty clothes talking to his gf. I asked him when he was going to clean his room. He said 'now is not the best time for this conversation' and I said 'I think it's the perfect time for it.' I was actually hoping that perhaps saying it in front of his gf would prompt her to talk some sense into him. It was a short conversation and she ended up putting her shoes on and leaving, followed by him blaming me for making her uncomfortable. What? NO not the case, I asked her later. Just excuse after excuse after excuse.
That night I typed up a 3-day notice to him stipulating he had until Sunday evening to (1) finish cleaning his bathroom (2) clean his room thoroughly (2) contribute something to his past due rent and if he did NOT complete these things he would be out within a month period. 3 days. My email was concise (although with emotion because I'm just distraught we are on such completely different pages).
He ended up doing a little laundry and cleaned his room some - it's at about 50%. He didn't touch the bathroom and didn't present any rent money. He had plenty of off time. I asked him about it briefly and he was stand-offish and pretty rude to me, as if I was asking too much. I decided the next day I would type up a very basic 30-Day notice to move out and have him served by my office, which happens to be the sheriff dept. I wanted a strong male figure (or two) to not just assist me but to also try to talk to him and possibly offer some advice or words of wisdom. I wanted him to know I am serious and am not going to be taken for granted anymore. He wasn't going to open the door and I told him they had my permission to go in if he did not.
This really pissed him off, let me tell you. He sent me a text saying "how can I even call you a mother with this power play" and that I "no longer have a son" and how I am teaching him how NOT to raise his own kids. I don't think he truly means all these things but it really hurts and I am very sad. I don't know what else he expects me to do. Yeah I suppose I could have just posted the notice on both bedroom doors only to have him rip them off and NOT take me seriously rather than having law enf serve him, but I felt THAT would be more impactful. I know I have been too soft and that's why I am in this position, but it's not like he didn't know exactly what I wanted from him and in exactly what timeline.
I hate that there is this awful tension in the house but I have to put my foot down. I have to respect myself enough to not let him walk all over me, even if it means moving him out of the house when he is unprepared. I dislike confrontation and dislike not communicating with him daily and telling him I love him, as the idea of something happening to one of us before we get this all resolved is just a horrible thought. We aren't really on speaking terms though at the moment. It's just all very sad. I guess I am just needing to vent a little and looking for some commiseration. This is very hard.
Sorry you're going through this. Is his dad completely out of the picture? He doesn't seem to understand that your house is not a democracy where he gets a vote. If I were his dad his belongings would have been on the yard and his a$$ would have been on the street way before now. It sounds like he's addicted to pot and that will eventually result in him having no money then stealing from you. You've tried establishing boundaries and he blows those off, then plays the guilt card. Stick to your guns or he's going to keep running over you. It's going to be hard but sometimes that's what real love is. Can't believe he's got a girlfriend who would stick around after the way he's abusing you. I have a 57yo cousin who to this day still calls his mommy when he has money issues and has lived with her many times over the last 10 years with his wife and dogs. You're not alone.......
M'eh, my folks kicked me out of a rental they owned (college town where I was "flunking" out/not really attending) at 19. Spent Nov~May homeless in Bozeman, MT, and then decided I wanted something out of life so I picked myself up and moved ahead. Didn't communicate with them for a decade after that.
It happens, and some people need the shock of 'sink or swim'. Don't worry, it's not like you're putting him directly infront of a shooting squad. Even the most extreme of winters can be dealt with as a homeless without any clue of available support (I stayed up nights in a 24hr diner, slept days on the local college "student lounge" sofas, got food from the freshmen who had an abundance of unused meal plans). Wasn't really Fun, but was no where near life threatening either.
IMO it refreshing to see someone who is actively parenting - even if that means giving a push out of the nest - instead of complaining after letting their "child" stay in the house 15-20 years beyond their scheduled launch date.
Tough love. You are doing the right thing, in my opinion. He has to start taking responsibility for his life and taking it seriously.
An acquaintance just served their 41 year old son. He moved back in with them a few years ago, was doing nothing, not working, either at a job or around the house, just doing nothing. He had pulled this stunt before.
OP: You are very strong, and you did the right thing. I know how much it must hurt, but your instincts are correct, and your son will thank you some day.
In the meantime, he will have to grow up and take care of himself and you will have your home as a CLEAN sanctuary.
You did your part to raise him.
I am glad you had the male authority figure back-up.
It is no fun being a single mom. Retire from that job!
You know what my mom used to do, if my brother didn't take the trash out? She'd dump the trash on his bed. She figured if he wanted to sleep on trash, it was his problem, not hers.
Another time, she used to tell my dad and my brothers to please put on a shirt when at the dinner table. (We lived in Florida. It gets hot. LOL) Well, one day they came to the table with no shirt on, once again, so she took hers off. I can still see it clearly in my mind, my mom sitting at the table with a black bra on, just casually eating her dinner. LOL My dad and brothers blushed, got up, and went and put shirts on.
We had curfews. My brother (the same one) decided curfews were for the birds, he'd come home when he dang well felt like it. He got told about it...but he didn't care. Until he got locked out. Ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door did nothing. He ended up sleeping in his truck. Now...THAT one...my parents lost that battle. But they locked the door at curfew time, and if my brother made it home in time to sleep in his bed, OK. If not, OK.
My mom and dad had 5 kids. They rarely lost a battle to us. We learned to know that if they said something was the law...then dang it, it was the law. Proceed at your own risk, if you know what I mean.
Your son has not had to feel the consequences of his actions. Stand firm. He may rant and rave, but stand firm.
You know what my mom used to do, if my brother didn't take the trash out? She'd dump the trash on his bed. She figured if he wanted to sleep on trash, it was his problem, not hers.
Another time, she used to tell my dad and my brothers to please put on a shirt when at the dinner table. (We lived in Florida. It gets hot. LOL) Well, one day they came to the table with no shirt on, once again, so she took hers off. I can still see it clearly in my mind, my mom sitting at the table with a black bra on, just casually eating her dinner. LOL My dad and brothers blushed, got up, and went and put shirts on.
I don't think anybody here will tell you otherwise OP, you are doing your son a favor. He has no future without further education, academically or via a trade. Far better to learn at 19 that without the money and determination to pay your way, life will be hard.
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