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Old 10-20-2018, 10:59 AM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,301 posts, read 8,475,542 times
Reputation: 9902

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
no You are not a terrible parent, you are sad and wishing things would be different. I understand you use the word loser in your frustration but itís not okay,itís not helpful and can sabotage your relationship. You are putting pressure on her to be something she is not and labeling her negatively.


Perhaps if you just accepted her for who she is and stop comparing her to her brother You can stop parenting and just nurture a positive relationship.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
This. A parent calling their kid a loser? Hmmmmm...
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
She is not a loser. She is still plenty young enough to turn things around. And i shouldnt be the one defending her, you should.
Not being able to keep a job is the definition of loser. At 36? That's pathetic. Honestly I'd say kudos to this parent for not thinking their daughter is a special snowflake.
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Old 10-20-2018, 11:43 AM
 
Location: Neptune
128 posts, read 77,853 times
Reputation: 221
OP, I understand your frustration. You do everything you can as a parent to raise self-sufficient, responsible adults, and wonder what you did (or didn't do) for them to turn out the way they did. Don't blame yourself; know you did the best you could. She's an adult now, and whether she likes it or not, she will have to start pulling her own weight.

Kudos for you at least not letting her live off of you rent free.
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Old 10-20-2018, 11:51 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
74,579 posts, read 66,219,136 times
Reputation: 71146
Were there signs of difficulties applying herself in grade school or high school? Might she have ADD, or some other cognitive condition? It's hard to believe that a problem suddenly sprang full-blown in college, without any earlier antecedents.
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Old 10-20-2018, 11:53 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,343 posts, read 3,811,640 times
Reputation: 14080
You can call her a loser to us, since that's how you feel, but not to HER. She probably already thinks it of herself but why say it and hurt her? Calling her names will do nothing for her whatsoever.

Hopefully, one day she'll decide she wants to be a better person in life and DO something about it. You can't force them or shame them into being productive. Support her emotionally if she is down on herself, but don't support her financially.
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Old 10-20-2018, 11:58 AM
 
Location: A Yankee in northeast TN
9,733 posts, read 13,630,686 times
Reputation: 20678
Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
Not being able to keep a job is the definition of loser. At 36? That's pathetic. Honestly I'd say kudos to this parent for not thinking their daughter is a special snowflake.
At 36 her lifestyle choices are her own business, not that of her parents.
OP is your daughter happy with her life? Is this how she wants to live? Some people simply aren't all about being 'successful', they don't care about that kind of thing. If that is the choice your daughter made then she's not a loser, she simply has a different set of priorities.
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Old 10-20-2018, 01:11 PM
 
674 posts, read 159,737 times
Reputation: 1929
I see you as refreshingly honest. I hope you don't call her a loser to her face, but kudos that you are capable of recognizing that she lacks ambition. At least you are not enabling her, which I see plenty of people I know doing. They also make many excuses for their adult children not being self sufficient..... John is too smart for this job, they won't pay him what he's worth for that job, his co-workers lied about him, etc. I always wonder what will happen to these adult children living off the parents when the parents die. You offered to pay for your daughter to get counseling. You have tried to help, but she has to want to help herself. Like someone else said, not everyone is college material. There's no shame in menial jobs. She is an adult, she gets to make her own choices. Try not to let her know you are disappointed or frustrated with her.
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Old 10-20-2018, 01:17 PM
 
975 posts, read 271,425 times
Reputation: 1523
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is. She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
Yes.

Children may be frustrating, infuriating and disappointing, but I would hope that you would still love them unconditionally.

If I ever heard that my parents considered me a "loser", I would think twice about ever speaking to them again.

I have a parent who is a chronic complainer. I made an extra effort to spend time with the parent a few times, and afterwards, another family member forwarded an email to me in which the parent complained that I was taking up the parent's time. I have wondered since then about the point of making an effort to see the parent.
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Old 10-20-2018, 01:52 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,664 posts, read 1,302,613 times
Reputation: 8071
I think name-calling of anyone is not helpful, and most especially not of people you "love."

I don't know what your daughter's problems are - you haven't provided any insight as to why she might be the way she is.

It sounds like you don't "like" or "love" her, but you don't say why - other than she has not met your definition of success.

I think calling your own progeny a "loser" is cruel - even if she doesn't know - she must sense how you feel about her.
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Old 10-20-2018, 02:09 PM
 
5,195 posts, read 2,345,107 times
Reputation: 13244
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
I think name-calling of anyone is not helpful, and most especially not of people you "love."

I don't know what your daughter's problems are - you haven't provided any insight as to why she might be the way she is.

It sounds like you don't "like" or "love" her, but you don't say why - other than she has not met your definition of success.

I think calling your own progeny a "loser" is cruel - even if she doesn't know - she must sense how you feel about her.
^^This^ ^ is a wise and valid response by an adult. well said.
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Old 10-20-2018, 02:19 PM
 
2,766 posts, read 1,213,122 times
Reputation: 10723
Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
Not being able to keep a job is the definition of loser. At 36? That's pathetic. Honestly I'd say kudos to this parent for not thinking their daughter is a special snowflake.

And if this parent doesnít wants to be a role model, or maintain a good influence then by all means scream from the rooftops the daughter is a loser but it isnít going to achieve anything other than Perhaps losing her daughter. Nobody suggests the mother treat her like a snowflake either. Sheesh talk about over reacting and being dramatic.
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