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Old 10-20-2018, 03:10 PM
 
10,683 posts, read 7,783,453 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
Not being able to keep a job is the definition of loser. At 36? That's pathetic. Honestly I'd say kudos to this parent for not thinking their daughter is a special snowflake.
I'm jumping on this band wagon.
Keep loving her. Have her to dinner one a week (send her home with leftovers).
She sounds lazy. Hopefully she will outgrow it.
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Old 10-20-2018, 03:39 PM
 
Location: Teach an Fhir Bholg
12,032 posts, read 13,405,036 times
Reputation: 32430
Do you have an adult child who you would consider a loser?

I haven't, but my parents certainly did!
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Old 10-20-2018, 04:06 PM
 
2,484 posts, read 458,493 times
Reputation: 1346
I don't have any kids yet, but the thread title would make sense if we are talking about Millennials and people born in 2000.
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Old 10-20-2018, 04:18 PM
 
Location: Teach an Fhir Bholg
12,032 posts, read 13,405,036 times
Reputation: 32430
This post interests me, clearly because of my previous one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppiesandKittens View Post
Children may be frustrating, infuriating and disappointing, but I would hope that you would still love them unconditionally.
I don't believe that anything is "unconditional," but I realize this above sentiment is a generally agreed one. And I have no interest in disagreeing in this thread.

Quote:
If I ever heard that my parents considered me a "loser", I would think twice about ever speaking to them again.
Why? (Though I can certainly understand that the age of the child matters very much.) But assuming you hear that mom and/or dad have used that word about you, or they have said it to your face at age 21 or much later, there would be humiliation and probably hurt. But would anyone's parents be such good actors, or even try to be, if this is what they thought of a child? Can you hide that degree of low evaluation for very long? And would the (let's say) adult child not have had plenty of clues that mom and dad were rather lacking in the loving parent department? Perhaps, dare it be said, kind of "loserish" parents.

Quote:
I have a parent who is a chronic complainer. I made an extra effort to spend time with the parent a few times, and afterwards, another family member forwarded an email to me in which the parent complained that I was taking up the parent's time. I have wondered since then about the point of making an effort to see the parent.
OK, this I get. Actions rather than the loser word. If I behave in an appropriate and considerate way to a parent that thinks I am a loser, this suffices if it is reciprocated. When it is not, then mom and dad are surely entering loser territory from my point of view, and it is clearly time for some serious reconsideration. The obvious one being is there any reason to continue in a loser relationship where decent behavior is not reciprocated.

(Not referring to the poster's specific situation with their parent, by the way.)

When "loserdom" becomes the touchstone of the relationship. Time to say bye-bye and mean it.
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Old 10-20-2018, 04:19 PM
Status: "The days are getting longer" (set 13 days ago)
 
8,038 posts, read 10,361,436 times
Reputation: 11829
Sounds like a symptom of underlying problems or unresolved issues. 36 is not a kid and she needs some type of life structure to build for herself. Not everyone is a fit for college. Maybe a trade? Or, some type of short term program? Or, a part time job of something she likes and wants to do. There's something larger going on here, though.
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Old 10-20-2018, 06:26 PM
 
Location: East of the Sun, West of the Moon
15,116 posts, read 16,942,421 times
Reputation: 29309
A person is a loser when they give up pursuing something.

Maybe that is pursuing something basic and socially acceptable like money and career advancement at the expense of their family life or passions.

Or maybe it is pursuing a dream that will never pay of monetarily, but allows the person to express their creativity or other passion at the expense of economic security.


But when someone simply gives up on any form of self-improvement and sinks into basic comforts like tv, shopping, drugs, or city-data, then they are truly a loser.
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Old 10-20-2018, 07:28 PM
 
7,671 posts, read 3,022,722 times
Reputation: 20318
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is. She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
So she's supporting herself completely?

She's launched. As much as she seems to be floundering, if she's paying all her own bills although she is bouncing around and around, I'd say she's doing ok.

Each person gets their own life, and their own life choices. She's steering her own canoe, and who knows - maybe she'll catch hold soon?
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Old 10-20-2018, 07:53 PM
 
975 posts, read 271,425 times
Reputation: 1523
Quote:
Originally Posted by kevxu View Post

Why? (Though I can certainly understand that the age of the child matters very much.) But assuming you hear that mom and/or dad have used that word about you, or they have said it to your face at age 21 or much later, there would be humiliation and probably hurt. But would anyone's parents be such good actors, or even try to be, if this is what they thought of a child? Can you hide that degree of low evaluation for very long? And would the (let's say) adult child not have had plenty of clues that mom and dad were rather lacking in the loving parent department? Perhaps, dare it be said, kind of "loserish" parents.
I don't spend an ounce of energy with people who dislike me (unless I have to through work).

If my parents considered me a "loser", that's a terrible lack of love and respect.

Would I spend time with a non-family member who considered me a "loser"? Heck no. So why would I bother to spend time with people who held me in such contempt?

I have a cousin who I generally view as a loser. It's a horrible way to view someone, and I am at fault for doing so, but I don't bother communicating with the cousin due to my views.

Also: if a parent considers a child a "loser", just how does the child probably view the parent (even without knowing the parent's views)? At least as a total jerk, and maybe a misfit/loser/moron as well?

I do know plenty of people whose children are disasters, but they love the children unconditionally, as frustrating and heart-wrenching as it must be, and I have NEVER heard them describe their children as "losers", even though many of those children fare as well as the child in the original post (or even worse, without the ability to hold jobs or relationships).
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Old 10-20-2018, 08:42 PM
 
Location: North Idaho
21,355 posts, read 26,627,230 times
Reputation: 40393
Sorry, OP, but your daughter is living the life she chose for herself. You've offered help. She declined. That's the end of it. All you can do is to accept her for who she is.

If, in the future, she decides she wants more, perhaps you could help with the cost of vocational school.... rather cautiously because she has a long history of never finishing anything.

My own child? He's been a really hard worker since he was toddling in diapers. His personal motto, since he started talking was "helping helping". Help from a toddler isn't really much help, but I was careful to never discourage him.

My sister would be a loser except she has an almost magical talent for getting other people to take care of her. Really, it's quite amazing. She's a lazy slug who never lifts a finger and never thinks of anyone but herself and she's lived a very comfortable life on other people's money.
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Old 10-20-2018, 11:08 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
74,579 posts, read 66,219,136 times
Reputation: 71146
Would love to get more info on the daughter's upbringing and school experience, from the OP.
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