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Old 10-21-2018, 12:18 PM
 
Location: Texas
7,482 posts, read 2,772,657 times
Reputation: 15932

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Quote:
Originally Posted by NDak15 View Post
Not being able to keep a job is the definition of loser. At 36? That's pathetic. Honestly I'd say kudos to this parent for not thinking their daughter is a special snowflake.
Lots of people can't keep jobs these days. Job loss and job hopping are a way of life for many people. Some of them do well in spite of it, others don't. This isn't the same world it was 30 or 40 years ago.
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Old 10-21-2018, 02:02 PM
Status: ""...whisper words of wisdom, let it be..."" (set 2 days ago)
 
Location: Lancaster, SC
6,137 posts, read 3,961,066 times
Reputation: 7576
I'd hate to think that she actually has issues working against her that maybe she isn't even aware of. The issues in college worry me like maybe she fought past them in high school, but after that it has too much of a struggle. I doon't know if it could be developmental issues or ADD/ADHD or depression. If she were my daughter, I'd want to find out f there is a reason for her struggles more than just being a loser. Personally, I struggled in my 20s. I didn't have trouble keeping a job, but I did have trouble in college. Found out that I had depression; I just ddn't know what it was at the time. I dealt with that, then went back to college. This time, I did so well that I got hired in my field before graduating from college.

Maybe your daughter isn't a "loser."
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Old 10-21-2018, 02:03 PM
 
148 posts, read 59,313 times
Reputation: 263
Your daughter's dysfunctional behavior patterns are likely to be mostly a function of her innate brain structure. If you were to clone her and raise a genetic duplicate from birth again, the clone would likely have many of the same behaviors (like separated at birth twin studies-- the twins often had very similar life courses and personality traits, despite being raised in different environments).

It's sad to think about, but your daughter will likely exhibit some form of this dysfunction until the day she dies. It's important to remember the 'serenity prayer' and to look on the bright side of things whenever possible.
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Old 10-21-2018, 02:37 PM
 
625 posts, read 429,777 times
Reputation: 945
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post
Ok, I see I missed your point. I guess because I'm a mother myself, I get concerned when moms get all the blame. Thanks for clarifying.
And some kids just grow up to be big kids. Adult? It just doesn't happen, nobodies fault just their own.
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Old 10-21-2018, 02:41 PM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
27,263 posts, read 59,169,522 times
Reputation: 30021
Quote:
Originally Posted by ezrider62 View Post
And some kids just grow up to be big kids. Adult?
It just doesn't happen, nobodies fault just their own.
Unless there's a trust fund involved I'm not prepared to give those parents a pass.

If your 18yo isn't 'adult' enough to survive and even thrive... it's YOUR fault.
That kid didn't wake just wake up like that on their 18th birthday.
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Old 10-21-2018, 03:19 PM
 
Location: God's Country
4,821 posts, read 3,169,711 times
Reputation: 7918
My bias will show but somehow I expect lack of motivation from far more men than women, even though the traditional role of males has been to support the family.


When I hear it about a woman, my knee-jerk reaction is to assume mental illness.
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Old 10-21-2018, 03:40 PM
 
2,421 posts, read 903,762 times
Reputation: 4646
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is. She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
I know it is common for parents to hold their children as a reflection of their own status and are embarrassed by naughty offspring.

There's more at work here in her situation than meets your eye. Stop showing her how dissatisfied you are and comparing her to her brother. Be satisfied she got her HS diploma. There is a lot to be said for that in this day and age. College is not the end all be all. Besides she is 35 and it is far past the time you let go.

I am just guessing but I think she might have stopped maturing emotionally during her teens due to some kind of trauma she has not disclosed to you. This is common in people that behave similarly.
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Old 10-21-2018, 03:45 PM
 
8,385 posts, read 8,700,974 times
Reputation: 10374
Any honest person would have an opinion. To me, it doesn't make you a bad mother - it makes you an honest, realistic person.

Your offer of paying for counseling sounds like a perfect movie - both compassionate and constructive. Too bad she won't accept. I can't tell from your post whether she's basically lazy and without direction, or just not very bright. Either way, sadly, there's only so much you can do.
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:01 PM
 
937 posts, read 499,805 times
Reputation: 3142
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
The person is 36 years old so they are on her own now. You cannot "parent" her anymore.
Yep, that's 18 full years of adulthood!

The neighbor across the street from me has a son who is older than I am who still lives at home. When my neighbor and I and others help clean up the community common areas (no HOA, just people keeping the neighborhood not looking like the ghetto or a trailer park) he openly expresses his feelings toward his son.

I think it's kinda sad. I'm an ordinary guy with an ordinary job in the trades and you would think that this 34 (or so) year old guy would look over and see this younger guy who has bought a house and lives on his own, and you would hope that he might reassess what he's doing in life.

When I was 14-15 I was working with people who were in their mid to late 20's at the time who were living in crappy apartments or at home with their parents (and I got to see some of the apartments and whatnot during a couple parties) and I made a very conscious decision that I did not want to live like that. They were blowing their money partying and on fancy cars that 20 year olds shouldn't be driving.

So even at that young age I was actively saving money and taking steps to not have to be a dirtbag when I got older.
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Old 10-21-2018, 05:02 PM
 
625 posts, read 429,777 times
Reputation: 945
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
Lots of people can't keep jobs these days. Job loss and job hopping are a way of life for many people. Some of them do well in spite of it, others don't. This isn't the same world it was 30 or 40 years ago.
There is definitely some truth behind this!
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