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Old 10-21-2018, 05:04 PM
 
625 posts, read 429,777 times
Reputation: 945

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Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
Unless there's a trust fund involved I'm not prepared to give those parents a pass.

If your 18yo isn't 'adult' enough to survive and even thrive... it's YOUR fault.
That kid didn't wake just wake up like that on their 18th birthday.
I don't agree.
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:30 PM
 
7,047 posts, read 4,589,015 times
Reputation: 12373
Loserhood must be taken in context. The OP’s daughter has no children or spouse. Thus, her loser-ness won’t jeopardize the health or welfare of any dependents or partners. She is not, as far as we know, involved in chemical-dependency. Nor has she fallen into the clutches of disreputable elements of society. Her social skills, however limited, have allowed to her at least glancingly interact with a network of friends. However inadequately, she has managed to survive, and has evidently done so, without causing untoward harm to others.

I suggest perusing a thread over on the retirement forum, about life’s “purpose”: Do you know what your purpose is?

It’s also worth speculating, on what might happen in say 20 years, when this daughter’s mother may have entered into the final stages of old-age and senescence. How ironic would it be, given that the other children are so stridently busy with family and careers of their own, if it is precisely this loser-daughter, who shows up to offer her mother solace and care?
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Old 10-21-2018, 06:33 PM
 
8 posts, read 5,518 times
Reputation: 30
No, nothing wrong with her mentally. She has just always been very lazy despite my best efforts, even though she graduated from HS it was at a low grade and C and Ds, she always has had a problem with authority and doesn't take instructions well.
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Old 10-21-2018, 09:50 PM
 
931 posts, read 586,485 times
Reputation: 1490
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
No, nothing wrong with her mentally. She has just always been very lazy despite my best efforts, even though she graduated from HS it was at a low grade and C and Ds, she always has had a problem with authority and doesn't take instructions well.
Sorry but the above description does sound like someone with some mental issues (the doesnít take instructions well part). And, if all she ever got were Cís and Dís in high school, I question the decision to send her to college ( and iím amazed that one accepted her). I mean surely she didnít think the work there would be easier did she?

Also about your Ďbest effortsí what were those efforts?

Either way- itís too late now, we are talking about a very grown adult. Stop obsessing over her faults and try accepting her as she is. She doesnít seem to be causing much harm to anyone so live and let live.
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Old 10-21-2018, 10:46 PM
 
2,766 posts, read 1,213,122 times
Reputation: 10723
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
Unless there's a trust fund involved I'm not prepared to give those parents a pass.

If your 18yo isn't 'adult' enough to survive and even thrive... it's YOUR fault.
That kid didn't wake just wake up like that on their 18th birthday.

I donít agree either otherwise both of her adult children would be in the same situation. There are a multitude of reasons why adults go off in unexpected directions. The op has one adult child who isnít living up to her expectations, the other is.
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Old 10-21-2018, 10:47 PM
 
5,367 posts, read 1,715,156 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post
I sense an attempt to blame mom, but the OP pointed out her son is successful and married with kids.

I've seen this so often - vastly different outcomes for children in the same family - that I'm very careful not to blame parents for the foibles of their kids except in obvious cases like abuse, extreme neglect or indifference.
I know so many families with multiple offspring where one is like this. It seems more common than not actually. Sometimes its birth order (But not in this case I think, unless there were other children the OP didn't mention), and sometimes its a mental health issue.

If the child were adopted it might also explain developmental delays and problems with authority, depending on the age of adoption and FOO experiences.

But sometimes, you just get a lazy person that doesn't like doing anything, is dissipated, and won't commit to or focus on anything, and is not motivated by the same things that motivate others.

I don't know what to do with them, but the tough love approach seems to be reasonable. "I love you, but you can't live with me" or " I love you but I'm not going to support you any more". I mean, how many times do you go down the same path with a kid ? I suspect the OP knows this rarely if ever works out, being a resource specialist and working with a lot of these exact kinds of children.

And frankly after a career of teaching helpless/hopeless cases, you have to think its easy to be a bit jaded and cynical about it...because a lot of the time there isn't anything mentally or physically wrong with a person that can't succeed because they have no self-discipline and cannot stick to anything. Its just personality.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
No, nothing wrong with her mentally. She has just always been very lazy despite my best efforts, even though she graduated from HS it was at a low grade and C and Ds, she always has had a problem with authority and doesn't take instructions well.
That is unfortunate. Did you ever put her in counseling as a juvenile? Or figure out why she was so defiant?

I think counseling would be the best bet. Maybe sit her down and have a discussion about ambition and purpose. Ever hear of Jordan Peterson? He's a psychologist who has some great videos on things like that.

At 36 though....its just not very likely for a person to change major personality traits - and you know that.

Quote:
Originally Posted by BLDSoon View Post
Sorry but the above description does sound like someone with some mental issues (the doesnít take instructions well part). And, if all she ever got were Cís and Dís in high school, I question the decision to send her to college ( and iím amazed that one accepted her). I mean surely she didnít think the work there would be easier did she?

Also about your Ďbest effortsí what were those efforts?

Either way- itís too late now, we are talking about a very grown adult. Stop obsessing over her faults and try accepting her as she is. She doesnít seem to be causing much harm to anyone so live and let live.
Community colleges accept anyone, really. If the OP is a resource specialist she knows there are simply some kids that are never going to "get it together". She's just hoping maybe hers is different.

Sometimes you can't help a child to be different or improve themselves. People have to WANT to change, anyway. So even if it were possible you can't change someone without their cooperation and will.
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Old 10-22-2018, 06:23 AM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,561 posts, read 1,179,509 times
Reputation: 8613
Quote:
Originally Posted by LLCNYC View Post
This. A parent calling their kid a loser? Hmmmmm...
See I don't have a problem with this. Personally I hate the opposite. the parent who always sees Johnny/Jane grown a$$ adult bum who will not get it together as some thing "wonderful".

But I don't buy into this whole "don't hurt their precious little egos" bull crap mentality either.

Op, been there done that.

My baby brother was a loser, trying to sugar coat it and call it by some fancy name don't make it any less true.

Now I feel extremely sad that for whatever reason he could not get his proverbial act together until it was too late and he was sick with cancer.

My parents had 4 kids, 3 of us are successful, normal, functioning adults. My little bro for some reason felt that life owed him a marvelous rich life without him working. He had 2 kids whom he did not support nor even bother to see. lol then at the end of his life he tried to make amends. are you kidding me???

Yes he was a loser, I loved him, he had many wonderful qualities. I do wish he could have loved himself to get it together but at the end, he died a wasted life.

AND NO IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.
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Old 10-22-2018, 07:21 AM
 
Location: Texas
7,482 posts, read 2,772,657 times
Reputation: 15932
Quote:
Originally Posted by ohio_peasant View Post
Loserhood must be taken in context. The OPís daughter has no children or spouse. Thus, her loser-ness wonít jeopardize the health or welfare of any dependents or partners. She is not, as far as we know, involved in chemical-dependency. Nor has she fallen into the clutches of disreputable elements of society. Her social skills, however limited, have allowed to her at least glancingly interact with a network of friends. However inadequately, she has managed to survive, and has evidently done so, without causing untoward harm to others.

I suggest perusing a thread over on the retirement forum, about lifeís ďpurposeĒ: Do you know what your purpose is?

Itís also worth speculating, on what might happen in say 20 years, when this daughterís mother may have entered into the final stages of old-age and senescence. How ironic would it be, given that the other children are so stridently busy with family and careers of their own, if it is precisely this loser-daughter, who shows up to offer her mother solace and care?
This is very true. That "loser" daughter might be the only one left willing to care for her aging parents. While the others are focused only on their careers. And sadly, many people who have given up careers to do caregiving are seen as "losers" in society.
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Old 10-22-2018, 08:02 AM
 
Location: The Triad (NC)
27,263 posts, read 59,169,522 times
Reputation: 30021
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
I don’t agree either ...
And I don't think you two read what was stated very well.

Quote:
There are a multitude of reasons why adults go off in unexpected directions.
The question in MY POINT is about the ability of an able bodied adult to do adequately well.
Education generally, useful skill sets in particular AND the work ethic to make their own way.

I don't believe these traits are in place for the population being discussed...
regardless of what 'go off in unexpected directions' might later mean for those who have the traits.

And again, that shortcoming of traits and skills didn't just show up one day.
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Old 10-22-2018, 09:07 AM
 
2,766 posts, read 1,213,122 times
Reputation: 10723
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrRational View Post
And I don't think you two read what was stated very well.

The question in MY POINT is about the ability of an able bodied adult to do adequately well.
Education generally, useful skill sets in particular AND the work ethic to make their own way.

I don't believe these traits are in place for the population being discussed...
regardless of what 'go off in unexpected directions' might later mean for those who have the traits.

And again, that shortcoming of traits and skills didn't just show up one day.

I did and I still don’t agree with parent blaming. There are just some things beyond our control as parents and in this case it’s clear there was and is nothing the op can do. She had expectations that her daughter did not meet and now she views her daughter a loser.

Last edited by Spuggy; 10-22-2018 at 09:22 AM..
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