U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 10-22-2018, 09:16 AM
 
625 posts, read 325,321 times
Reputation: 917

Advertisements

Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is. She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
Well in the same spirit of honesty you're showing toward your daughter, I must say yes, I do think you're a bad mother for saying this. Parents may not have all the answers and may not do all the right things, but any good parent is going to be in their child's corner in some shape or fashion no matter how badly their kid turns out. You seem to be throwing your daughter completely under the bus.

To be even more honest, I am getting very strong narcissistic vibes from your post. I see very little concern for your daughter, her future, her happiness and well-being, what problems might have led her to where she is today, etc. etc. etc. Your whole post is about *you* and how her "failures" make *you* feel. You go on about all that you've done for her, and even threw in a little barb about getting her counseling, as if *she* has the problem and you are Ms. Perfect. You say it as though you were trying to do something good for her, but in context, I think to her it sent a message that you thought there is something wrong with her and you don't love her unconditionally.

Then you end with how great you think your son is. The fact you felt the need to mention this shows me that you only care about your image and not your daughter. You seem to feel a need to have the world believe that you are a "great mother", and your son is Exhibit A. You seem to be oblivious to the fact that people don't like to be treated as scapegoats, and the problems that favoritism can cause among siblings.

If you really want honest advice and not just ego strokes, I would say go to family counseling by yourself and be open to the possibility that you might have played a role in how your daughter turned out. If you really want to help her, you need to change first and be able to give her the support a child needs to get from from their mother. If my parents had the same kind of attitude toward me as you are displaying toward your daughter, I would probably feel the same way as she does.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 10-22-2018, 11:37 AM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
35,477 posts, read 43,697,038 times
Reputation: 58842
I have not read all the posts, and I understand your frustration may have contributed to your unfortunate description of your daughter.

Let’s back up and take a different tactic. Has she shown any interest in learning some kind of trade? Does she like children? Does she like to cook? What kind of jobs did she fail at? What small thing could she accomplish to make herself feel successful?

I think some vocational schools have placement testing she could take. As others have said a few sessions with a psychologist might get her on track.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 01:37 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,622 posts, read 16,397,730 times
Reputation: 39584
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
No, nothing wrong with her mentally. She has just always been very lazy despite my best efforts, even though she graduated from HS it was at a low grade and C and Ds, she always has had a problem with authority and doesn't take instructions well.
I know that some adults are "late bloomers" but it seems pretty strange that when your child graduated from HS with Cs and Ds and kept telling you that college was "too hard" for her you pushed her into trying it three times instead of just helping her find a job or a career that she would be happy doing or encouraging her to go to a trade school.

It is too bad that she did not get counseling or services for her "problems with authority" and "not being able to take instructions well" as a young child (or as a teen).
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 02:19 PM
 
15,245 posts, read 16,327,406 times
Reputation: 25351
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
No, nothing wrong with her mentally. She has just always been very lazy despite my best efforts, even though she graduated from HS it was at a low grade and C and Ds, she always has had a problem with authority and doesn't take instructions well.
Was she ever tested for a learning disability?

I feel for her if she struggles with reading or basic math skills. If she tried college 3 times it sounds like she wanted to make a go of it, or at least was trying to please you.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 02:44 PM
 
5,367 posts, read 1,715,156 times
Reputation: 5190
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marlow View Post
Was she ever tested for a learning disability?

I feel for her if she struggles with reading or basic math skills. If she tried college 3 times it sounds like she wanted to make a go of it, or at least was trying to please you.
Not sure if you caught it but the OP was a Special Ed teacher...certainly she is fully capable of detecting a learning disability in her own child.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 02:54 PM
 
3,423 posts, read 1,626,284 times
Reputation: 10318
Guess I am lucky. My only son has his own new Semi and makes lots of $. He sets his own schedule and has his own LLC. He has been working and going to school to finish a degree he has been working on for a while. He still manages to make 5k a week....
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 02:55 PM
 
8 posts, read 5,518 times
Reputation: 30
I should clarify by college I mean community college. I have tried everything, spent lots of money but just like with her jobs she quits after a short while. She has always been lazy and mooched off others. The only thing she really has going for her are her looks which is how she's been able to get boyfriends to mooch off of but even they get tired of it and break up.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 03:38 PM
 
Location: Raleigh
7,370 posts, read 5,482,804 times
Reputation: 10109
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
Well in the same spirit of honesty you're showing toward your daughter, I must say yes, I do think you're a bad mother for saying this. Parents may not have all the answers and may not do all the right things, but any good parent is going to be in their child's corner in some shape or fashion no matter how badly their kid turns out. You seem to be throwing your daughter completely under the bus.

To be even more honest, I am getting very strong narcissistic vibes from your post. I see very little concern for your daughter, her future, her happiness and well-being, what problems might have led her to where she is today, etc. etc. etc. Your whole post is about *you* and how her "failures" make *you* feel. You go on about all that you've done for her, and even threw in a little barb about getting her counseling, as if *she* has the problem and you are Ms. Perfect. You say it as though you were trying to do something good for her, but in context, I think to her it sent a message that you thought there is something wrong with her and you don't love her unconditionally.

Then you end with how great you think your son is. The fact you felt the need to mention this shows me that you only care about your image and not your daughter. You seem to feel a need to have the world believe that you are a "great mother", and your son is Exhibit A. You seem to be oblivious to the fact that people don't like to be treated as scapegoats, and the problems that favoritism can cause among siblings.

If you really want honest advice and not just ego strokes, I would say go to family counseling by yourself and be open to the possibility that you might have played a role in how your daughter turned out. If you really want to help her, you need to change first and be able to give her the support a child needs to get from from their mother. If my parents had the same kind of attitude toward me as you are displaying toward your daughter, I would probably feel the same way as she does.
Why? Most parents want their kids to end up, at least, self sufficient. It isn't as if she's upset because her daughter is waiting tables or an Artist instead of a Lawyer. She's upset that her daughter doesn't even get it together enough to rent her own apartment and support that.

Your opinion sounds like that of an enabler, the kind that would make excuses til the cows come home.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 05:09 PM
 
Location: Philadelphia/South Jersey area
2,561 posts, read 1,179,509 times
Reputation: 8613
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
Well in the same spirit of honesty you're showing toward your daughter, I must say yes, I do think you're a bad mother for saying this. Parents may not have all the answers and may not do all the right things, but any good parent is going to be in their child's corner in some shape or fashion no matter how badly their kid turns out. You seem to be throwing your daughter completely under the bus.

To be even more honest, I am getting very strong narcissistic vibes from your post. I see very little concern for your daughter, her future, her happiness and well-being, what problems might have led her to where she is today, etc. etc. etc. Your whole post is about *you* and how her "failures" make *you* feel. You go on about all that you've done for her, and even threw in a little barb about getting her counseling, as if *she* has the problem and you are Ms. Perfect. You say it as though you were trying to do something good for her, but in context, I think to her it sent a message that you thought there is something wrong with her and you don't love her unconditionally.

Then you end with how great you think your son is. The fact you felt the need to mention this shows me that you only care about your image and not your daughter. You seem to feel a need to have the world believe that you are a "great mother", and your son is Exhibit A. You seem to be oblivious to the fact that people don't like to be treated as scapegoats, and the problems that favoritism can cause among siblings.

If you really want honest advice and not just ego strokes, I would say go to family counseling by yourself and be open to the possibility that you might have played a role in how your daughter turned out. If you really want to help her, you need to change first and be able to give her the support a child needs to get from from their mother. If my parents had the same kind of attitude toward me as you are displaying toward your daughter, I would probably feel the same way as she does.
i respectfully disagree. I love my sons without reservations and more than they could ever imagine but if my son goes out and rapes and murders a women. NO I am not in their "corner".
I know someone who's kid murdered his two kids to get back at his ex wife. and you would be in this persons corner.

The judge in his trial said something I thought was meaningful to the mother of this guy. He told her that some times no matter what we try or how much we love someone some times they do evil, evil things and that the person they thought they new does not exist.

And I'll even give you that some thing could have done may have played a role but you know what, at 35 how long can someone play the "my mommy liked my brother more". Personally it would seem to me that the best revenge would be to be successful in spite of your terrible upbringing.

lastly, one thing I've learned from having a drug head bum brother is that some times tough love and NOT being in their corner is the best thing one could do. My late brother decided he would get himself together when he burned every bridge he had. Maybe if we had stopped being in his "corner" he would have hit rock bottom and had no where else to go but up.

sorry I have no respect for a parent who has an adult kid that is crash and burning and they refuse to acknowlege what the rest of society sees. You can't help anyone if you are still being an enabler.

Remember we're talking 35 years old. Not 25

Last edited by eliza61nyc; 10-22-2018 at 05:22 PM..
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 10-22-2018, 05:44 PM
 
2,766 posts, read 1,213,122 times
Reputation: 10723
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I should clarify by college I mean community college. I have tried everything, spent lots of money but just like with her jobs she quits after a short while. She has always been lazy and mooched off others. The only thing she really has going for her are her looks which is how she's been able to get boyfriends to mooch off of but even they get tired of it and break up.
There is nothing you can do about it. You can make it worse or you can leave it alone, the choice is yours.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top