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Old 10-22-2018, 05:48 PM
 
Location: Pac. NW
1,902 posts, read 1,393,409 times
Reputation: 3370

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Some families cannot function without a "good kid" and a "bad kid". Sometimes the "bad kid" will straighten up when the "good kid" leaves home because the climate in the home changes and the parent's needs must adjust.

Speakin' for myself, me and my older sister have switched roles more times than we could count. The assignment of roles changes, but the game the parents play doesn't.
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Old 10-22-2018, 05:54 PM
 
3,310 posts, read 1,350,149 times
Reputation: 6677
Quote:
Originally Posted by CaliDreaming01 View Post
Well in the same spirit of honesty you're showing toward your daughter, I must say yes, I do think you're a bad mother for saying this. Parents may not have all the answers and may not do all the right things, but any good parent is going to be in their child's corner in some shape or fashion no matter how badly their kid turns out. You seem to be throwing your daughter completely under the bus.

To be even more honest, I am getting very strong narcissistic vibes from your post. I see very little concern for your daughter, her future, her happiness and well-being, what problems might have led her to where she is today, etc. etc. etc. Your whole post is about *you* and how her "failures" make *you* feel. You go on about all that you've done for her, and even threw in a little barb about getting her counseling, as if *she* has the problem and you are Ms. Perfect. You say it as though you were trying to do something good for her, but in context, I think to her it sent a message that you thought there is something wrong with her and you don't love her unconditionally.

Then you end with how great you think your son is. The fact you felt the need to mention this shows me that you only care about your image and not your daughter. You seem to feel a need to have the world believe that you are a "great mother", and your son is Exhibit A. You seem to be oblivious to the fact that people don't like to be treated as scapegoats, and the problems that favoritism can cause among siblings.

If you really want honest advice and not just ego strokes, I would say go to family counseling by yourself and be open to the possibility that you might have played a role in how your daughter turned out. If you really want to help her, you need to change first and be able to give her the support a child needs to get from from their mother. If my parents had the same kind of attitude toward me as you are displaying toward your daughter, I would probably feel the same way as she does.
She is 36. I bet by this point she has tried. I know people in this situation and there is not much that they can do. I have a cousin like this and as much as my aunt and uncle tried to help him, he simply lacked any interest in being helped. He would ruin anything they tried to do to help him. It wasnít until he had a kid that he eventually straightened up his act, but I think he was well into his 30s when that happened. He was able to keep the same job for well over a decade or two until he was recently let go due to lasting complications from cancer... People can grow up when they have to, but sometimes they donít grow up because they donít want to.
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Old 10-22-2018, 08:35 PM
 
971 posts, read 1,338,425 times
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You need to look at the positive traits of your daughter not just the negatives

and I agree with another poster, we shouldn't be the ones defending your daughter.
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Old 10-22-2018, 10:42 PM
 
15,245 posts, read 16,327,406 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by phantompilot View Post
Not sure if you caught it but the OP was a Special Ed teacher...certainly she is fully capable of detecting a learning disability in her own child.
I didn't see where the OP said that. Another poster said she used to teach special ed.
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Old 10-23-2018, 07:05 AM
 
401 posts, read 98,959 times
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Perhaps it's different for people who have great family ties. I don't and I take all adults on what I see, how they behave equally. My parents aren't alive, but I quite recently came to the conclusion that I didn't even like them. I don't like the way they behaved or lived their lives. Certainly if I wasn't born into their house they wouldn't be people I'd hang out with. The same goes for one of my brothers. I can easily see not liking your own child.


Of course, what you describe is not criminal, but if I had a child who turned out to be someone who hurt others, I could dis-own them. I would definitely resent having to support them in adulthood. Maybe you don't like her and I don't think you should feel guilty about that.
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Old 10-23-2018, 08:23 AM
 
Location: Camberville
11,535 posts, read 16,243,517 times
Reputation: 18416
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
No, nothing wrong with her mentally. She has just always been very lazy despite my best efforts, even though she graduated from HS it was at a low grade and C and Ds, she always has had a problem with authority and doesn't take instructions well.
Why was someone who got Cs and Ds in high school encouraged to go to college not once, not twice, but three times?
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Old 10-23-2018, 09:24 AM
 
2,892 posts, read 1,303,544 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is. She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
8 pages already so I am sure you would have received a lot of support especially about rent, living free, kicking her out etc.


Please treat family like family and not like business. I am sure you would have given equal love and care for both your children. But they turned out to be different. Understand everyone may not be the same and act accordingly.
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Old 10-23-2018, 11:17 AM
 
10,561 posts, read 6,031,921 times
Reputation: 10936
Quote:
Originally Posted by BLDSoon View Post
Sorry but the above description does sound like someone with some mental issues (the doesn’t take instructions well part). And, if all she ever got were C’s and D’s in high school, I question the decision to send her to college ( and i’m amazed that one accepted her). I mean surely she didn’t think the work there would be easier did she?

Also about your ‘best efforts’ what were those efforts?

Either way- it’s too late now, we are talking about a very grown adult. Stop obsessing over her faults and try accepting her as she is. She doesn’t seem to be causing much harm to anyone so live and let live.
That isn't always a mental problem. Sometimes it's just a personality type, whether that type is labeled disordered or not, it just is and there is no curing a personality. Counseling is a waste of time and money for this. For the person in my family like this they tried counseling, medication, all kinds of behavioral stuff, and she just never changed an iota and lives like the OPs daughter. No drugs or alcohol, has friends, healthy, occasional work, basement/couch surfing, no real responsibilities. Her attitude is why should I work and have to do something I don't want to do for some boss I hate, if I don't have to. Instead she leeches off people who are fine with that. The problem is she acts like her lifestyle should be ok with everyone else. I am disgusted by it, and don't even know where she is now.
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Old 10-23-2018, 11:35 AM
 
1,986 posts, read 1,208,710 times
Reputation: 9435
I'm sure to the outside, ambitious world, my eldest son would seem like a loser. He's 20, lives at home, has never had a conventional job, and only has a high school diploma. And - maybe the worst! - he's an artist. Stereotypes of starving artist loser pursuing their dream, right?

He's not a loser in my mind, however, because he does have ambition, does make money and pay bills, and does have an actual business plan in place to expand his art career. It might take him a little longer to walk the path to the type of money other people think is acceptable, but he's walking it his own way and is happy.

I'm fine with that. If anyone else calls him a loser or suggests such a thing, I would have no problem defending him with facts.
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Old 10-23-2018, 12:01 PM
 
10,561 posts, read 6,031,921 times
Reputation: 10936
Quote:
Originally Posted by Murk View Post
I'm sure to the outside, ambitious world, my eldest son would seem like a loser. He's 20, lives at home, has never had a conventional job, and only has a high school diploma. And - maybe the worst! - he's an artist. Stereotypes of starving artist loser pursuing their dream, right?

He's not a loser in my mind, however, because he does have ambition, does make money and pay bills, and does have an actual business plan in place to expand his art career. It might take him a little longer to walk the path to the type of money other people think is acceptable, but he's walking it his own way and is happy.

I'm fine with that. If anyone else calls him a loser or suggests such a thing, I would have no problem defending him with facts.
No, not at all. He's fine and not what we are discussing. We are talking about people this side of 40 years old who don't work or do anything but leech off of others.
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