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Old 10-19-2018, 10:59 PM
 
8 posts, read 5,518 times
Reputation: 30

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I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is. She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
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Old 10-19-2018, 11:10 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,664 posts, read 1,302,613 times
Reputation: 8071
What do you think is the cause of her problems?

Sure about the booze and/or drugs?
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Old 10-19-2018, 11:53 PM
 
8 posts, read 5,518 times
Reputation: 30
Very sure, she lived with me until I finally kicked her out, but never noticed anything resembling such.
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Old 10-20-2018, 12:32 AM
 
Location: Texas
7,482 posts, read 2,772,657 times
Reputation: 15932
The person is 36 years old so they are on her own now. You cannot "parent" her anymore.
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Old 10-20-2018, 05:18 AM
 
2,401 posts, read 1,349,004 times
Reputation: 2568
Okay, so she is not successful. What is the point of calling her a loser or even seeing her as one? How has that helped her?

You have taken steps to protect yourself which include not allowing her to take advantage of you. That puts your daughter at a disadvantage, a consequence for her bad behaviors. So why add on more negative consequences by being so judgmental?
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Old 10-20-2018, 06:31 AM
 
Location: Texas or Cascais, Portugal
3,169 posts, read 2,979,967 times
Reputation: 7596
She’s a loser. Don’t over think it, don’t feel responsible.
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Old 10-20-2018, 08:54 AM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,622 posts, read 16,397,730 times
Reputation: 39584
Quote:
Originally Posted by Fullofdispair View Post
I know this sounds awful, and it probably is but no matter how much I have tried to help, my 36 year old daughter really is.

She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all
. Even the boyfriends she has had have dumped her because she won't get a job and she constantly goes back and forth between living with friends who eventually get sick of her.

She has had menial jobs but only ever lasts a few months at most. I have offered to pay for counseling but she refuses. Thankfully she doesn't have any kids and I don't give her any money or allow her to move back in. On the other hand I have a 31 year old son that is very successful and is married with a great wife and son. Of course I don't want this, but it's the reality. And as far as I know she doesn't have any drinking or drug problems. Am I being a bad mother for saying this?
"She graduated HS but has dropped out of college 3 times always with excuses; I just can't learn, I just don't like it, I think it's stupid, it's too hard etc etc etc I have heard it all." I wanted to comment on this statement. While I do not know the OP's daughter and her academic skill level it is possible that she really was not capable of succeeding in college. Contrary to popular belief, college is NOT for everyone. And, IMHO, it is doing a disservice when you try to force an adult child to achieve at too high a level.

I am a retired special education teacher. For a number of years I taught students with mild cognitive delays. The old terminology was children with mental retardation. I had quite a few well educated, knowledgeable parents who expected/assumed/demanded that I prepare their child for "the college track" in school. These were children with IQs of 55 to 70, well below average.

One set of parents even tried to get me fired when I gently, politely told them that their child, who had Down Syndrome and an IQ of 55, would not be able to graduate from college. He was a wonderful child, functioning at the kindergarten/1st grade level at age 12, but the parents demanded that I "catch him up" and enroll him in the college prep track in middle school and high school. They said "Everyone in our family graduated from college. Of course, we expect 'Johnny' to graduate from college, too." It took several more years for the parents to accept that Johnny was not going to attend, and graduate from college.
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:04 AM
 
1,965 posts, read 1,126,630 times
Reputation: 2183
She is not a loser. She is still plenty young enough to turn things around. And i shouldnt be the one defending her, you should.
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:16 AM
 
4,581 posts, read 1,924,325 times
Reputation: 12902
Quote:
Originally Posted by dysgenic View Post
She is not a loser. She is still plenty young enough to turn things around. And i shouldnt be the one defending her, you should.
This. A parent calling their kid a loser? Hmmmmm...
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Old 10-20-2018, 09:58 AM
 
2,766 posts, read 1,213,122 times
Reputation: 10723
no You are not a terrible parent, you are sad and wishing things would be different. I understand you use the word loser in your frustration but it’s not okay,it’s not helpful and can sabotage your relationship. You are putting pressure on her to be something she is not and labeling her negatively.


Perhaps if you just accepted her for who she is and stop comparing her to her brother You can stop parenting and just nurture a positive relationship.
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