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Old 10-29-2018, 01:15 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
10,297 posts, read 7,882,664 times
Reputation: 27606

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wild Flower View Post
She gave him a month's notice not 3 days.
She gate him a verbal 3-day "cure or quit" notice. When at the end of that time he'd not cleaned up his room or paid his rent, she then told he he'd need to be out by the end of the month. (Which is exactly what my old landlords would have done back in the days when I was a renter on a month-to-month rental contract - only they'd have made sure to put things in writing so they'd have documentation if they needed to take me to court.)
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:19 PM
 
Location: Omaha, Nebraska
10,297 posts, read 7,882,664 times
Reputation: 27606
Quote:
Originally Posted by BumbleBeeHunter View Post
He is a teenager.
He is an adult. Childhood ended a year ago.

Quote:
He is holding a job which she indicates, likely, provides pretty good earnings.
Which he could have used to pay the very modest rent his mother was charging him. Instead he chose to spend it on weed instead. HIS bad decisions, and his alone, have put him into the situation he's in now.

Quote:
He doesn't act as a child, clearly, no no reason to treat him as one.
He most definitely isn't acting like an adult. Adults pay their bills on time.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:21 PM
 
Location: Riding a rock floating through space
2,660 posts, read 1,533,507 times
Reputation: 6359
bumblebeehunter, so you are blaming the op for marrying what turned out to be a scoundrel, and everything he did after the fact was her fault because she chose him, and leaving him and cheating his kids out of an unbroken home was a terrible mistake. Wow.
I think your posts are absurd and not worth reading so i'm going to put you on ignore.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:21 PM
 
6,692 posts, read 4,676,011 times
Reputation: 25621
Don't let him back in, you will be back to square one. Enabling is not helping. He needs to start acting like an adult.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:27 PM
 
10 posts, read 9,304 times
Reputation: 126
Thank you everyone who has responded. I do appreciate all the feedback.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
REAL landlords do that. It's the first step in dealing with a problem tenant. (And that's exactly what a tenant who doesn't pay rent on time and keeps the premises filthy is!) The next step is an eviction notice. The OP's son ought to be damned grateful that his Mom isn't following the formal legal rules (as per Frotsnip's complaint), because if she had he'd have a real eviction on his record, and no reputable landlord would ever rent to him. At least now he'll be able to rent a nice place once he gets sick of living with Dad (or when Dad in turn tosses him out on his ear for not paying his rent).

The OP's son is no longer a child, and she would not be doing him a favor by continuing to treat him as one (as you would have her do). Adults need to earn money, pay their bills, and keep their living quarters reasonably sanitary. He's managing to do #1, but has failed miserably on numbers 2 and 3. Now he's no longer going to be able to exploit Mom in order to evade adult responsibilities. It will be a tough adjustment at first, but it's essential in the long run that he learn he can't leech on others indefinitely.
THIS, and thank you. Yes of course I could have followed up with with a court order and evict him, but that would have been a terrible thing to do to him and our relationship would most definitely suffer for it. I think many people don’t understand the impact a court eviction would have. At 19 he doesn’t need this on his record, and it was not necessary in this situation.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:32 PM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,272 posts, read 34,402,478 times
Reputation: 73216
I think you are being a good parent, and I have no doubt this is hard on you.

I think you were fair, and gave a lot of chances for him to behave properly.

While he may be mad at you right now, I think as he matures, he will realize this is for his own good.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:48 PM
 
605 posts, read 332,520 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by Aredhel View Post
He is an adult. Childhood ended a year ago.
We do not know if he is an adult. The brain doesn't stop forming at someone's 18th birthday.
It grows into an adult brain, on average, in early 20's but normally about age 25.


https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/0...lly-developed/

Quote:
Which he could have used to pay the very modest rent his mother was charging him. Instead he chose to spend it on weed instead. HIS bad decisions, and his alone, have put him into the situation he's in now.
He doesn't smoke weed in the house. He doesn't smoke weed in front of his girlfriend. He clearly doesn't smoke weed at work. There isn't much time left to smoke weed. Weed just isn't that expensive. Heck, a good organic grown joint costs is less than .50 cents here in Northern Calif. My son smokes it sometimes. Cheaper and better for you than a glass of alcohol.
He started doing it last year, at age 26 ensuring his brain was fully developed first. He uses it medicinally only as he's started to have some issues lately.


Quote:
He most definitely isn't acting like an adult. Adults pay their bills on time.
Exactly. He's a teenager likely with-out a fully formed brain. That's why they are usually given a few years or more.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:55 PM
 
4,039 posts, read 4,913,766 times
Reputation: 4772
Quote:
Originally Posted by BumbleBeeHunter View Post
We do not know if he is an adult. The brain doesn't stop forming at someone's 18th birthday.
It grows into an adult brain, on average, in early 20's but normally about age 25.


https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/0...lly-developed/

He doesn't smoke weed in the house. He doesn't smoke weed in front of his girlfriend. He clearly doesn't smoke weed at work. There isn't much time left to smoke weed. Weed just isn't that expensive. Heck, a good organic grown joint costs is less than .50 cents here in Northern Calif. My son smokes it sometimes. Cheaper and better for you than a glass of alcohol.
He started doing it last year, at age 26 ensuring his brain was fully developed first. He uses it medicinally only as he's started to have some issues lately.


Exactly. He's a teenager likely with-out a fully formed brain. That's why they are usually given a few years or more.
He's an adult in the eyes of the law. I think you missed where the OP said the money he was giving her was being saved for him.
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Old 10-29-2018, 01:57 PM
 
605 posts, read 332,520 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by duke944 View Post
bumblebeehunter, so you are blaming the op for marrying what turned out to be a scoundrel, and everything he did after the fact was her fault because she chose him, and leaving him and cheating his kids out of an unbroken home was a terrible mistake. Wow.
I think your posts are absurd and not worth reading so i'm going to put you on ignore.
We all make mistakes. We all make decisions which are wrong. But hopefully, we hold our teenage children to a lesser standard than we hold ourselves to. Why? Because they are teenagers. We are the adults. When we expect more from our kids than we've even produced, while they are productive members of society, then something is amiss
We are able to understand it might take a little longer for someone to launch due to OUR faulty decisions.
It's not blame. It's called compassion.
I've made so many bad decisions with my son. Yet the word "I am sorry" while actually meaning it... goes a long way.
It's not about finding fault with your teenage son, it's about being human with him.

"Hey Son, I need the money, what you are doing is unfair. I need you to pay me rent. If you cannot, I need to get a room-mate who can.The bills are not being paid and there isn't anything else i can do. Sorry it just is what it is." Then get that room-mate helping teh son to move his stuff out that very day while the guy/gal moves in her stuff.

This idea of serving a court order, parent to child or vice versa, shouldn't even come into play. It's in-humane. Short of mom possibly being out on the street, it wouldn't even be considered by most loving parents. While I understand others who have been through it via divorce from their loved ones... they may find it old hat... it shouldn't be. No one does this to their teenager.
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Old 10-29-2018, 02:03 PM
 
605 posts, read 332,520 times
Reputation: 648
Quote:
Originally Posted by Riley09swb View Post
He's an adult in the eyes of the law. I think you missed where the OP said the money he was giving her was being saved for him.
I did miss that. Where do you read that in her original op? So why would she demand he pay money so she can save it for him?
That makes no sense.
I read where she stated she needed the $$ b/c she makes less than he does. And her rent was increased by her landlord
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