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Old 11-10-2018, 10:30 AM
 
11,085 posts, read 8,235,926 times
Reputation: 19890

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I don't agree with "give her space".
She has interacted very positively with you. Accept thatas her true feelings about you.
She "lost" her dad. I'm sure she's confused about why. She may blame herself. Her biological dad might be manipulating her.
Use all that education and don't over-complicate this. But be very clear. I highly discourage you from shacking up. Did you shack up with your daughter's mom?
Speaking of, have the girls met? I imagine the LG would be interested in meeting your daughter and it would be a good chance to be a cool dad.
Whatever you do, don't take what this child does and says personally. She doesn't call the shots. That's too much responsibility. But if her mom is happily-ever-after material, make sure that's clear.
Remember, you're demonstrating how a lady is to be treated by a man. Like it or not, this is what she's learning from all this.
My kids used to say no, they don't want to do something that I knew they'd enjoy. I made them anyway and they did enjoy.
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Old 11-10-2018, 10:55 AM
 
2,512 posts, read 1,275,506 times
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People really underestimate the anger that some kids carry after their parents divorce

OP, I would be curious to know if your parents divorced when you were a child? And how about the child's mother?
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:13 PM
 
1,066 posts, read 304,054 times
Reputation: 3278
Take the little girl and her Mom horseback riding. Seriously, she is at the age where most Girls would be insanely crazy about it. Include your own daughter, too, if possible. That, along with some family counseling may do wonders.
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:21 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,623 posts, read 4,060,877 times
Reputation: 15048
Quote:
Originally Posted by MisterShipWreck View Post
This is a difficult situation....

I am divorced, and I have an 11 year old son.I have him exactly 50% of the time. His mother has him the other half, and neither of us pays child support.

I have been dating a woman for 21 months now. But before I started dating anyone, I knew I would not introduce anyone to my son until I had dated them at least a year. My girlfriend lives in another town, so it made this a bit easier - there was not much reason for them to cross paths with each other. He did not need to know that I usually traveled to her town every other weekend to be with her.

But I am getting more and more serious with this woman. A few months ago, I finally told my son about her. So, he knows she exists. But, he will meet her for the very 1st time in 2 weeks. At first, he did not want to meet her. But, he changed his mind. I am happy about that, because I am hoping that the woman I am dating will eventually move to my town.

Their meeting will likely only be for a meal or so - just an hour... Maybe two. I am taking him out for a fun mini vacation, and we are staying in a hotel and will be doing fun things. This will be a first meeting for them. And, her and I talked about it in detail. She is a teacher, so she gave me some great advice. All this is new to me....

She will not be around for the entire trip he and I are doing, so he won't feel like she is encroaching. This was her idea.

I think it is a bad idea to introduce kids to someone too quickly - not every person you date works out. And, its not fair for the kid to see a revolving door of different partners, IMHO.

You have already met the child, though. But, you are just going to have to take it slow. Things take time. And, understand that no matter how much a person loves their partner, children always come first.
THIS!! great advice!
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Old 11-10-2018, 06:29 PM
 
9,627 posts, read 3,785,723 times
Reputation: 24105
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Oh boy.......

I will NEVER understand a world where children dictate the whys and wherefors and coming and going of their parents' lives. Nine year old little girls need to concern themselves withdoing their homework and getting good grades in school and the little dramas associated with their little friends. They need to not worry about their mother's love life or friendships and they DEFINITELY don't need to be involved in any decision making process.
I'm stunned at your post.

The thought that children won't feel terrible anxiety when their world crashes down around their heads - that they should be only occupied with the very most shallow parts of their existence - the little dramas created by their "little friends", seems really bizarre to me.

Children are programmed from birth to try to create a stable and predictable environment for themselves so they can survive.

Their friend's playground drama is totally icing on the cake, and it's the kind of stuff that very stable, very secure, very loved little girls can afford to focus on.
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Old 11-10-2018, 07:13 PM
 
Location: Eugene, Oregon
8,846 posts, read 2,851,030 times
Reputation: 13006
Unfortunately, all the players in the situation as it now exists, are at odds with two others. It's a no-win game for everyone. If the OP backs away from the woman, her daughter will get a sense of empowerment, as she will be the cause. Next time another man attempts to enter the mother's life, the daughter will do the same thing, only with more assurance that she will win again.

If the OP refuses to quit his relationship with the mother, she will probably lose a lot of her closeness and influence with her daughter. The daughter will lose a lot with either her mother or father, depending on what happens. It doesn't seem that the daughter is aware how her own best interests will be served, because of her hopes of her father and mother being reunited, despite how badly he's treated her mother. Unless the daughter gains an understanding of how bad her parents relationship was for her mother, this complex problem won't be solved.

The simplest thing the OP could do, to look after his own best outcome, would be to leave all this behind. But he doesn't want that, because of his care for the woman and also for the daughter. Good luck to him and may he continue to be the "good guy", regardless of how difficult this becomes.
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Old 11-11-2018, 09:18 AM
 
Location: MID ATLANTIC
7,712 posts, read 18,393,224 times
Reputation: 8354
Quote:
I think it's a bad sign that you see the girl as "playing" her mom to get her way
I disagree. I may have raised two boys, but I once was a manipulative 9 year old girl and vividly recall those years. What further supports my opinion (in my own mind), I have seen my youngest toddler granddaughter exhibit eerily familiar personality traits - a true case of what comes around goes around (with a generation skipped).

OP trust your gut, but avoid accusations at all costs. Patience is the only weapon. As others have said, you need to decide if you can wait it out. If your ultimate decision is to move on, do so without ultimatums. But, when chanelling my own 9 yo self, I must warn you, the next 10 years will be the stuff that created divorces. I wish my teenage years on no one.
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Old 11-11-2018, 05:18 PM
 
16,441 posts, read 13,895,574 times
Reputation: 20433
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68 View Post
ok...the title.

She and I have been dating going on 9mos, she still hasn't introduced me to as her boyfriend for the sake of the 9yo little girl (LG). She has been divorced over a year, embattled with her ex for 10, and it was hell in her house when he was there.

At any rate, he still is the dad and the LG still goes and visits with the illusion that her folks will get back together which is 110% fact that they will indeed...not. She always ends up having an awful time.

I am so in love with this lady, she is amazing. I haven't moved in and we don't spend the night together at her house and/or when the LG is there.

My kid is 18 and the best kid ever, she is a college athlete, and we have an amazing relationship. I also coached girls for almost 10 years and most of them are on sports scholarships as well. I have an MBA and I am blessed to have a mission driven career.

At any rate, this LG deserves to be around a solid guy who loves her and her mom and can be a positive and healthy influence, the LG is amazing and smart and has huge potential. I would take a bullet for her. The problem is that she throws attitude to her mom, texts her that she doesn't want to see me or she doesn't want to go out with us, to come over to her house and especially not for special occasions like birthdays and such...even though her a$$hole dad won't be there either.

When I do go over, we make slime, talk about her electricity projects, I help her with her homework, she calls me over to show me what she learned on the piano, and we battle it out over UNO. I don't understand and neither does her mom. She and I would like to move forward with our relationship, but she is afraid of screwing up her LG.

I am of the opinion that the LG is playing her mom to get her way, when she texts, we are shut down...I am shut down. When her mom tries to have a conversation with her, she doesn't talk about it. She is scheduled for counseling, but ultimately that won't solve the issue.

I need some advice how to navigate this thing and how to advise my wonderful GF...

Thanks
Why would you assume counciling is pointless? For children of divorce it certainly can help them.

As for you, just back off. If things are going well with mom why is that not enough? What moving forward are you looking for? Because a year is just a beginning for what this kid is going to be going through.
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Old 11-11-2018, 05:24 PM
 
16,441 posts, read 13,895,574 times
Reputation: 20433
Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Oh boy.......

I will NEVER understand a world where children dictate the whys and wherefors and coming and going of their parents' lives. Nine year old little girls need to concern themselves withdoing their homework and getting good grades in school and the little dramas associated with their little friends. They need to not worry about their mother's love life or friendships and they DEFINITELY don't need to be involved in any decision making process.
What a bunch of bologna!

Kids need security at home first and foremost. Divorce is automatically a loss in that security. The only thing I agree with is the child does not need to be involved, and that means that there is no reason for the boyfriend to be around the little girl right now. Maybe if he and mom have been seeing each other for years and plan on getting married.

But considering how unlikely second marriages are to make it, might as well just date until the kid is off too college. Kids are forever, second spouses in particular, are frequently temporary.
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Old 04-25-2019, 12:30 PM
 
6 posts, read 3,938 times
Reputation: 17
Wow, you people are amazing, thank you so much. I take all these comments and run a cord through them and drawstring them together and what you are saying is exactly what is happening. My GF wants to step away completely to focus on the LG and not even have contact with me...which is painful for both of us.

Every man who is in love with a woman that he cannot be with has a seed of terror thinking she is going to be with someone else to fulfill her "physical needs" without the relationship. I don't understand why my GF and I can't have that in order to maintain connection, but I do understand how feelings and attachment to me can disrupt what she is doing with her daughter.

Boy oh boy this is heart wrenching and difficult, but I will wait until the end of time for her.
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