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Old 04-25-2019, 12:33 PM
 
6 posts, read 3,938 times
Reputation: 17

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Quote:
Originally Posted by rummage View Post
It isn't what you said in your post, it is what you didn't say in your post. You didn't talk about how this woman treats you and it doesn't sound like a two-way street of a relationship. It sounds like you are simply there, and after 9 months she doesn't think enough of you to make you "the boyfriend" for whatever the reason and is using a 9 year old girl as an excuse. If the young girl thinks her parents might get back together, perhaps that is because her father and mother have been discussing that and trying to work it out, which might be what the counseling is really for.

I think it is a waste of time for you to continue to compete with her ex-husband and for his daughter's attention all in attempt to elevate your relationship with this woman. After 9 months, I don't believe this is going to change and she knows it. I think you should break it off now, because she is stringing you along and this is only going to end up hurting you.
There is a saying that "the truth hurts" This truth is a killer...
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Old 04-26-2019, 08:14 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,098 posts, read 40,875,302 times
Reputation: 80745
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68 View Post
There is a saying that "the truth hurts" This truth is a killer...
Did y'all break up?
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Old 04-26-2019, 08:59 AM
 
729 posts, read 296,784 times
Reputation: 2143
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68 View Post
ok...the title.

She and I have been dating going on 9mos, she still hasn't introduced me to as her boyfriend for the sake of the 9yo little girl (LG). She has been divorced over a year, embattled with her ex for 10, and it was hell in her house when he was there.

At any rate, he still is the dad and the LG still goes and visits with the illusion that her folks will get back together which is 110% fact that they will indeed...not. She always ends up having an awful time.

I am so in love with this lady, she is amazing. I haven't moved in and we don't spend the night together at her house and/or when the LG is there.

My kid is 18 and the best kid ever, she is a college athlete, and we have an amazing relationship. I also coached girls for almost 10 years and most of them are on sports scholarships as well. I have an MBA and I am blessed to have a mission driven career.

At any rate, this LG deserves to be around a solid guy who loves her and her mom and can be a positive and healthy influence, the LG is amazing and smart and has huge potential. I would take a bullet for her. The problem is that she throws attitude to her mom, texts her that she doesn't want to see me or she doesn't want to go out with us, to come over to her house and especially not for special occasions like birthdays and such...even though her a$$hole dad won't be there either.

When I do go over, we make slime, talk about her electricity projects, I help her with her homework, she calls me over to show me what she learned on the piano, and we battle it out over UNO. I don't understand and neither does her mom. She and I would like to move forward with our relationship, but she is afraid of screwing up her LG.

I am of the opinion that the LG is playing her mom to get her way, when she texts, we are shut down...I am shut down. When her mom tries to have a conversation with her, she doesn't talk about it. She is scheduled for counseling, but ultimately that won't solve the issue.

I need some advice how to navigate this thing and how to advise my wonderful GF...

Thanks
This is none of your business.

Your wonderful GF doesn't need anyone else telling her what to do, what is right, etc.

You have no say. NONE. You don't get to make decisions for other people's children. You don't get to make decisions for other children's parents.

Back off.

Her dad might be an a-hole. Her mother might have been weak and still is...

But you have no place in this. None whatsoever. Support your girlfriend, show her resources for her to gain HER OWN skills and ability, but anything else from you is completely inappropriate.

Limit all responses to your girlfriend's daughter to:
1) Cool
2) Bummer
and 3) Wow.

That's it. You are not allowed the satisfaction of commentary or probing for more information. Cool, bummer, and wow. That's all.
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Old 04-26-2019, 10:05 AM
Status: "here we go again" (set 13 days ago)
 
Location: Texas
9,043 posts, read 3,427,675 times
Reputation: 18675
You need to protect your emotions in all this.
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Old 04-28-2019, 05:33 AM
 
1,421 posts, read 1,097,949 times
Reputation: 4745
You dodged a bullet, walk away.
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Old 04-28-2019, 07:36 PM
 
6,486 posts, read 3,740,237 times
Reputation: 15008
You seem to have good intentions, but as a child of divorce myself, I think you need somewhat of a reality check. Most importantly, LG has a father and it's NOT YOU. At 9, believe me LG is already aware that her father is not perfect, but she must love him since she wants her bio parents to get back together.

And how do you really know that she has a completely awful time when she goes there? I never let my Mom know about the great things when I visited my Dad because they were things she couldn't afford or just didn't like to do. I didn't want to hurt her feelings or hear about how selfish my Dad was again. Most kids are very protective of both their parents, even the really awful ones.

I suggest you tread VERY LIGHTLY with the idea of being the "solid guy" in her life whereas her actual Dad is less than that. Over time (like a few years), LG may grow to love you, but only if doing so does not include loving her real Dad less.

Finally, LG is your GF's child. Now and for always let her make the decisions regarding LG and let her be the one to speak with LG about problems, discipline, etc. You have your own daughter. GF seems to think it is too soon to move forward, so respect that. One year is not long enough for LG IMO. Good Luck!
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Old 05-06-2019, 05:16 PM
 
6 posts, read 3,938 times
Reputation: 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Did y'all break up?
No, we are still trying to navigate things...The advice here has been tremendous.
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Old 05-07-2019, 01:18 AM
 
9,163 posts, read 10,769,741 times
Reputation: 9755
Quote:
Originally Posted by Huskerdu68 View Post
Wow, you people are amazing, thank you so much. I take all these comments and run a cord through them and drawstring them together and what you are saying is exactly what is happening. My GF wants to step away completely to focus on the LG and not even have contact with me...which is painful for both of us.

Every man who is in love with a woman that he cannot be with has a seed of terror thinking she is going to be with someone else to fulfill her "physical needs" without the relationship. I don't understand why my GF and I can't have that in order to maintain connection, but I do understand how feelings and attachment to me can disrupt what she is doing with her daughter.

Boy oh boy this is heart wrenching and difficult, but I will wait until the end of time for her.
This post, along with the original one you posted eons ago, is alarming to me. City Data folks, am I alone in thinking this doesn't sound right? First post mentioned a little child, 9 years old, "manipulating" adults in her life while dealing with her parents separating. Now mom is attempting to step away from the relationship...and the middle paragraph, I'm sorry Huskerdu68, sounds possibly creepy to me.
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Old 05-08-2019, 06:32 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
42,098 posts, read 40,875,302 times
Reputation: 80745
Quote:
Originally Posted by TXNGL View Post
This post, along with the original one you posted eons ago, is alarming to me. City Data folks, am I alone in thinking this doesn't sound right? First post mentioned a little child, 9 years old, "manipulating" adults in her life while dealing with her parents separating. Now mom is attempting to step away from the relationship...and the middle paragraph, I'm sorry Huskerdu68, sounds possibly creepy to me.
Well, it does show that he's worried mostly about her having sex with someone else, when, as a mom of a young child, that is probably far from her mind.

I hope he can abide by her wishes to keep some space between them.
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Old 05-11-2019, 09:59 AM
 
4 posts, read 423 times
Reputation: 17
Hello, newly registered altho been reading the Parent/Grandparents forum for a while now.

Agree with the OP lots of good advice here and probably don't need to add more.

But having been in a similar situation over 35 years ago with my spouse, his children and his ex-wife, I know from experience that it's quite common for a GF/BF to jump into the family dynamic as the "savior" especially when feelings are strong between the dating couple.

As I learned though the new partner is not part of the family, even if it's now a broken family. Especially as far as the kids are concerned.

Even though we've had a long and happy marriage, the kids and their mother caused considerable upset for years.

I threw myself happily into the role of stepmother but there was always resentment from the kids and especially from their mother.

Based on my experience I would caution to tread lightly in this relationship. Sounds like lots is going on with the GF her daughter and her ex.

As wonderful as she might be nine months or a year isn't a long time to decide if someone is ready to take on a new serious relationship when the old one isn't fully dealt with yet.

Give your GF some space, don't be clingy. If her "needs" are met elsewhere then so be it. If that does indeed happen that could determine if she is the one or not.

Adopt a much more neutral stance toward the daughter, she won't want someone attempting to show her what a good guy he is and what a jerk her father is.

Good luck to everyone involved but do keep in mind that not everyone we date will be a long-term relationship.

Cheers

Last edited by RubyandPearl; 05-11-2019 at 10:16 AM..
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