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Old 11-12-2018, 06:15 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,181 posts, read 8,346,155 times
Reputation: 9648

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Quote:
Originally Posted by LO28SWM View Post
I dont wonder. I know how to tend to my money. And when you weigh expense against experience this one seems worth it. And I wouldn't call myself broke.
I didn't say you were broke but I've seen enough cases of parents being martyrs by scrimping and saving for things like his and then crying that they have no money and no time for anything else.
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Old 11-12-2018, 06:50 PM
 
3,178 posts, read 1,281,167 times
Reputation: 6351
I can see the mom’s point. Realistically, having multiple kids in a league is not going to be feasible. Sure, it doesn’t seem like any of the other 14 year olds want to participate, but what if you get to the 12 year olds and two of them want to do different sports? How is that going to work out financially when there is also an older kid doing travel sports? There are just too many kids and not enough parents. Someone in this group is going to get left out, and it is going to result in one kid (or two kids) getting spoiled while the younger ones get left out because the parents overextend themselves.
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Old 11-12-2018, 06:58 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
163 posts, read 56,698 times
Reputation: 596
Sounds like it's time for a good mediator. It's hard, obviously both sides just want what's best for the kids. But at this point the two sets of parents just don't see eye to eye and the personal feelings on both sides are bleeding through. Its hard enough when it's one couple with their own set of kids, but you guys are trying to juggle 2 entire different sets of families, rules, money issues, and personal feelings which is never going to yield a calm and easy situation. The kids are having to adjust from one place to another and it sounds like they've already had to go through a long time of listening to adults who are unhappy with each other.

This opportunity may seem great on a surface level, but if it takes taking people to court (which is never fast and easy, and always detrimental to a childs growth and relationships with family) and putting additional strains on relationships between family then maybe its not worth it. The damage it may take to do it could undo a lot of the other growth and hurt the son emotionally further which coupled with a high stress leauge and constant travel could just add up the negatives and if he's not able to excel in baseball he could go off the deep end maturity wise.

You need to encourage and help bring stability to these children's lives, not encourage fighting and stress. Maybe this just signals that it's not the right time right now. Whatever the case, you guys need a good 3rd party person to come in and help you all sit down and go over what you parents are going to do about all the kids. This isn't going to be the first time it happens, the kids are at the age where these things will come up more and more. Set aside your personal feelings about each other and find a way for this to work between all the parents.

Last edited by musicfamly5; 11-12-2018 at 07:21 PM..
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Old 11-12-2018, 07:44 PM
 
Location: Plainfield NJ
115 posts, read 29,501 times
Reputation: 285
Hes been trying to live with us for 5 years. He lived with us for 4 months in 2014 before the court ordered him to go back. He is the sort of child that benefits from 1 on 1 attention and he doesn't get any there. He fights with his siblings and his mom constantly but is a completely different kid around his dad. He has lost a lot of respect for her with her behavior. We have a strict no talking b.s. about the other parent rule at our house because her constant bickering and divisive behavior makes life stressful for them. It's far too much for a single thread to address. Us potentially going to court is not for just this issue. It's for a 5 year struggle with him and her. Boys his age benefit greatly from increased father bonding which she does not encourage and out right denies.
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Old 11-12-2018, 07:49 PM
 
Location: Plainfield NJ
115 posts, read 29,501 times
Reputation: 285
Quote:
Originally Posted by RamenAddict View Post
I can see the momís point. Realistically, having multiple kids in a league is not going to be feasible. Sure, it doesnít seem like any of the other 14 year olds want to participate, but what if you get to the 12 year olds and two of them want to do different sports? How is that going to work out financially when there is also an older kid doing travel sports? There are just too many kids and not enough parents. Someone in this group is going to get left out, and it is going to result in one kid (or two kids) getting spoiled while the younger ones get left out because the parents overextend themselves.
It's not that we are blind to these issues. But 7 kids didnt ask to be born and they each deserve the right to any opportunity they can get. We haven't intentionally decided to not see the issues, we have. All the boys play baseball as their only sport. The girls do dance at 500 a year which we pay for. We are prepared to do running back and forth and pay for things and try to ensure each child gets to grow and experience life. We refuse to intentionally limit them because the other kids arent doing it. The 12 year olds are allowed to do travel when they get to high school just like their brother. Or science camp or dance school or art classes or whatever.
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:23 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,286 posts, read 1,168,233 times
Reputation: 7329
Kids do better in one household when they are busy in school.

I had a relative who was split 50/50 between parents. The kid played sports too and one set of parents lived around 10 or 15 miles from the school . . .

The 50/50 is for the parents - kids do not benefit, especially older kids.

Boys do benefit from being with their dads as teens, for sure (all else being equal).

He is old enough to decide for himself, right?
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:27 PM
 
Location: Plainfield NJ
115 posts, read 29,501 times
Reputation: 285
Quote:
Originally Posted by nobodysbusiness View Post
Kids do better in one household when they are busy in school.

I had a relative who was split 50/50 between parents. The kid played sports too and one set of parents lived around 10 or 15 miles from the school . . .

The 50/50 is for the parents - kids do not benefit, especially older kids.

Boys do benefit from being with their dads as teens, for sure (all else being equal).

He is old enough to decide for himself, right?
Nj doesnt have an age where they determine kids can decide for themselves. You arent adults in the eyes of the family court until 19. Up until then the court can still decide even for an 18 year old though I'm certain they wouldn't interfere. And most people agree the judge is much more likely to go with the kids wishes. But we just got a new judge that we haven't been in front of before after having a staunch pro mother judge all these years and therefore we've lost a lot of battles for seemingly no reason and no idea how the future ones will go. 50/50 definitely wouldn't work in our case but my sister does it with her high school aged kids and it's working well. I think it needs to be decided on a case by case.
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Old 11-12-2018, 08:32 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,286 posts, read 1,168,233 times
Reputation: 7329
Quote:
Originally Posted by LO28SWM View Post
Nj doesnt have an age where they determine kids can decide for themselves. You arent adults in the eyes of the family court until 19. Up until then the court can still decide even for an 18 year old though I'm certain they wouldn't interfere. And most people agree the judge is much more likely to go with the kids wishes. But we just got a new judge that we haven't been in front of before after having a staunch pro mother judge all these years and therefore we've lost a lot of battles for seemingly no reason and no idea how the future ones will go. 50/50 definitely wouldn't work in our case but my sister does it with her high school aged kids and it's working well. I think it needs to be decided on a case by case.
I just think 50/50 is too stressful for busy kids going to school, playing sports, doing homework . . . It's just too much. And there is one home they probably feel more relaxed in.

Interesting about the state and how they decide things.

I hope you get before the judge right away (I would try the negotiations first, though - it is also stressful for a kid to have parents who are not on the same page).
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Old 11-13-2018, 11:56 AM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
5,044 posts, read 3,220,330 times
Reputation: 15149
OP, if I am reading your situation correctly (and please correct me if I'm not), there are a total of 9 children involved: 1 that's fully yours; 1 that you share with your ex-partner; and 7 that your husband (and you) share with his ex-partner. So, depending on how the custody arrangements are set, you could have anywhere between 1 and 9 kids living with you at any given time; and your husband's ex could have between 0 and 7 kids living with her at any given time.

Given this situation, I not only understand why she would not want her son to play on a travel team, I agree with her. There is simply no way that she could possibly manage it. If she had to take him to any of the games, she'd have to leave her other 6 kids home unattended, or else drag them along (at additional expense). And while I understand that you have said that you and your husband would handle all the travel logistics, she might not believe you; or she might believe you in theory, but worry about what might happen some weekend when you find yourselves unavailable and the duty falls into her lap.

Moreover, any weekend that her son is traveling is a weekend that he is not spending with her. And maybe, just maybe, she WANTS to spend time with him. His being on a travel team would rob her of that opportunity.

But this, right here, is the main reason why I agree with the ex:

Quote:
Originally Posted by FairMindedLL View Post
Meanwhile, the entire family’s lives revolved around the travel team schedule. They couldn’t even take summer vacations because it interfered with the travel team.
I would not allow my family's life to be held hostage to some travel team. And it's quite possible that she feels the same way.

I think the best thing to do is have your husband explain to his son that, he's sorry, but he and his mother could not come to an agreement regarding the travel team, so he (the son) will not be able to participate. The boy will be sad, I'm sure, but it'll be a good life lesson for him: sometimes, you don't get what you want.
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Old 11-13-2018, 12:01 PM
 
Location: Howard County, Maryland
5,044 posts, read 3,220,330 times
Reputation: 15149
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Unless your husband is a monster who has no legal custody because he is a criminal, the boy will be allowed to live with his father. And if he's fighting with his siblings, his mother's house will be more peaceful. Just sign him up, and let him come live with you. The judge won't oppose it, if she goes to court. The kid has more power than he realizes in this situation. The judge is not gonna put him in prison for living with his father. And he can simply move over to you, or refuse to go back to his mother's after a visit with you. You don't have to go to court to get permission first. If it's a done deal, and going well, by the time you get into court the question will be moot. No judge is going to force a teenage boy to live with his mother instead of his father, unless his father is unfit.
Are you sure about this? I'm no expert in this field, but it seems to me that if the OP's husband and his ex have a custody agreement, just arbitrarily deciding that the boy can come live with them would be breaking that agreement. I would think that the ex could drag them to court, prove that they have willfully violated the terms of their custody agreement, and get them into a heap of trouble. She may even be able to wrest full custody from them.

Again, I'm no expert. But I would tread very, very lightly when talking about deliberately going behind the judge's back and violating the court's order.
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