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View Poll Results: Do I say something about how I feel?
Talk to her in private 18 34.62%
Talk to him in private 2 3.85%
Talk to both of them 0 0%
Say nothing 32 61.54%
Voters: 52. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 11-18-2018, 11:05 AM
 
2,322 posts, read 4,437,182 times
Reputation: 5266

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
I wish I had spoken up when my son was betrothed the first time. I saw where that train wreck was headed. And ...No. no its not okay to sit idly by when you know the person is going to ruin your loved one.
I know very few people who heed others' advice to look elsewhere when they're in love with an unsuitable partner; in fact, it often drives them even closer to them. There is no guarantee your son would have valued your opinion before the fact.

The OP's daughter's b/f is annoying, but to worry he is going to "ruin" her is a bit excessive.
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Old 11-18-2018, 12:26 PM
 
Location: Minnesota
1,681 posts, read 617,227 times
Reputation: 2992
Big red flag. He is trying to get daughter to not show affection towards her family. What if he succeeds. She will not give hugs to sister. Wonder if he has a fit if she wants to see or call friends. Sounds like he wants her all to himself. Very creepy in my opinion. I would somehow ask daughter if she still talks to or sees friends. Did she enjoy activities that he no longer wants her to do also?

From what I've heard abusers first get victim isolated before the abuse sometimes starts. And it doesn't have to be just a physical abuse thing, there are other types of abuse. Maybe it's time for a girls only weekend, mom, sisters, friends, say you want to start a new tradition. See how he reacts to that
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Old 11-18-2018, 12:44 PM
 
218 posts, read 45,579 times
Reputation: 296
Something is definitely off about a statement like that. I think I would seize the opportunity when alone with your daughter to say you don't quite understand why her boyfriend would object to her hugging her sister and what does she think about it. Does it happen often? With other people? To me, the goal is just planting the seed in her mind that this is not normal behavior even if she gets defensive. My daughter sometimes gets defensive and I don't force the issue but she often comes around to my way of thinking later on.
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Old 11-18-2018, 02:41 PM
 
4,953 posts, read 2,210,447 times
Reputation: 12624
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post
I know very few people who heed others' advice to look elsewhere when they're in love with an unsuitable partner; in fact, it often drives them even closer to them. There is no guarantee your son would have valued your opinion before the fact.

The OP's daughter's b/f is annoying, but to worry he is going to "ruin" her is a bit excessive.
I hadn't considered your view point. Hmm...interesting. Hindsight is 20/20. Too little to late. Luckily my situation in remaining quiet led my son to 'assume' that I approved. The good silence breeds consent comes to mind. It was later that he and I openly discussed his first marriage. He wondered if I sensed this train wreck why I hadn't conveyed my concern. I willingly admitted my flaw in remaining quiet so as to keep the peace. He said...Mom I value your opinion. I would have taken into consideration your instinct. Sometimes Mother knows best.
So if the OP has this instinct....then remaining quiet maybe an undoing later down the road. Her scenario maybe different ...yet I tend to support a mother's intuition.
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Old 11-18-2018, 03:41 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,782 posts, read 22,890,307 times
Reputation: 17578
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
I hadn't considered your view point. Hmm...interesting. Hindsight is 20/20. Too little to late. Luckily my situation in remaining quiet led my son to 'assume' that I approved. The good silence breeds consent comes to mind. It was later that he and I openly discussed his first marriage. He wondered if I sensed this train wreck why I hadn't conveyed my concern. I willingly admitted my flaw in remaining quiet so as to keep the peace. He said...Mom I value your opinion. I would have taken into consideration your instinct. Sometimes Mother knows best.
So if the OP has this instinct....then remaining quiet maybe an undoing later down the road. Her scenario maybe different ...yet I tend to support a mother's intuition.
I know how difficult it is to sit back knowing there's a train wreck headed their way.
Let's say you followed intuitive instinct voicing concerns and reservations over your sons choice of partner; do you really believe your son would've ended his relationship changing the outcome?
Perhaps the only difference would've been..... mom, you were right.
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Old 11-18-2018, 04:06 PM
 
Location: Nantahala National Forest, NC
18,588 posts, read 3,767,081 times
Reputation: 23681
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mattie View Post
Zip your lip. Short of witnessing abuse, parents should have no say in who our kids pick as partners. Their happiness trumps our own.

This...plus, in some cases the more negative comments parents say about their daughter's choices, the more her heels dig in, she might be increasingly resistant to you.
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Old 11-18-2018, 04:18 PM
 
5,281 posts, read 3,052,202 times
Reputation: 18024
When your kids are adults you need to believe you've done your job. And if there's something you've left out experience will be their best teacher just like all the rest of us who got tired of our parents trying to parent us when we were adults.

Our daughter adopted one of these. He was a "rescue puppy," depressive and dependent. I was horrified and concerned that he'd be a real energy drain on her.

It took her a while but she figured it out. If you've raised good kids you've just gotta have faith in that.

Now, if they ask, go ahead. But I tread lightly. My relationship with my daughter is precious and I'm careful not to do anything to wound it.
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Old 11-18-2018, 04:38 PM
 
Location: 39 20' 59"N / 75 30' 53"W
15,782 posts, read 22,890,307 times
Reputation: 17578
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lodestar View Post
When your kids are adults you need to believe you've done your job. And if there's something you've left out experience will be their best teacher just like all the rest of us who got tired of our parents trying to parent us when we were adults.
Well said!
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Old 11-18-2018, 04:46 PM
 
12,653 posts, read 14,695,452 times
Reputation: 14243
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Say nothing. Unless she asks you your opinion. Then tell her.


My sis had a boyfriend like that. Really annoying as heck. Sis came to her senses when she finally started to feel like she was being smothered.
I agree with this. I think if you say something to her, she will side with him against you and that will just make it that much longer before she comes to her senses if she is going to. It has to be her idea to dump him.
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Old 11-18-2018, 06:18 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
73,263 posts, read 64,833,652 times
Reputation: 69339
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maddie104 View Post
Something is definitely off about a statement like that. I think I would seize the opportunity when alone with your daughter to say you don't quite understand why her boyfriend would object to her hugging her sister and what does she think about it. Does it happen often? With other people? To me, the goal is just planting the seed in her mind that this is not normal behavior even if she gets defensive. My daughter sometimes gets defensive and I don't force the issue but she often comes around to my way of thinking later on.
Yes, exactly. Well put.
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