Not liking my adult daughter's boyfriend

[JrzDefector]

Originally Posted by Tash99

They have been dating a little over a year and are now looking at apartments together. I guess my biggest worry is that he seems to want ALL her attention. When she shows affection to her family he gets jealous. She hugged her sister and he said "don't hug her, hug me!" I understand that I don't have to like him but I don't want her to be blinded by love.

Holy creep factor. Um, well, in that case, the thing to do is be alert for any expression of uncertainty on her part. And then ask some pointed questions.

I inspired my friend to get a divorce (she was headed there but I may have sped things up), when she vented to me one day about her husband. I asked her very gently if she would be ok in her marriage 5 years from now if it was still exactly the same. They'd been married 10 years, attempted counseling and had no results. She thought about it and then was like "OMG, no" Asked for a divorce a few days later and is happier today than she has ever been.

If your daughter vents or expresses any negative emotions about her relationship, take the opportunity to ask the big questions. But don't just jump into it until she opens that door, even just a few inches. THat's all you need.

"if your relationship stayed the same and it was five years from now, would you be happy with the way your life was going?"

"How does it make you feel when he says things like XXXX?"

That kind of stuff.

[Irish Eyes]

Definitely say something. Not anything like he's annoying, or this isn't the way stable men act. Don't mention the baby talk at all. Say that you worry that him always needing to be touching her and trying to stop her from showing affection to others can be signs of someone needing to control and ask her if she's felt that in other ways. I had a boyfriend like this and didn't know how wrong that could be. Much later my sister told me that this behavior always worried her. She never said a word to me about it and it could have saved me a lot of trouble.

[JONOV]

Originally Posted by gentlearts

My answer was talk to her in private. What I do with my adult children is, I voice my opinion, one time, and then I shut up about it.
That way, you have given your opinion for her to take or leave. My children respect my opinion, and I respect them to do what they think is best.

^^This.^^

You can express an opinion or a concern without turning it into "OMG I can't believe your dating this wierdo!" or "I really think that this is a horrible idea."

Saying, once, like a grownup, "I've notice he's clingy, always talks in the baby-voice, and is jealous when other members of the family show any affection" shouldn't cause too many issues. And if it does, the problem is with her or your past relationship with your daughter. After that, zip it and don't say anything.

[D. Scott]

Just make sure he is treating her well, you can always ask more details as she is your daughter. If hes not an awful person but they are not compatible, this will tell soon. Its still a honeymoon like phase for them. People get together and break up all the time in the dating world. Way it is.

[shamrock4]

Originally Posted by Tash99

They have been dating a little over a year and are now looking at apartments together. I guess my biggest worry is that he seems to want ALL her attention. When she shows affection to her family he gets jealous. She hugged her sister and he said "don't hug her, hug me!" I understand that I don't have to like him but I don't want her to be blinded by love.

Wow, the "don't hug her" comment in front of other family members is beyond creepy and weird. If your daughter only knew how many abused women have a relationship start out in this manner . . . trying to cut off ties and affection to the family so they can gain control. If it's not a control issue, the neediness is another major problem.

I usually am on the side of keeping my lip zipped but this guy does not sound normal. Does he work? Have other friends or want to spend all his time with your daughter? What is his situation with his family? Has he had other dating relationships?

During a private moment over a cup of tea or whatever, perhaps you could casually ask what's up with some of his comments and if she is comfortable with that behavior. As someone said, it may plant a seed of doubt that might protect her down the line. I can certainly understand why you are unsettled about this relationship.

[Ruth4Truth]

Originally Posted by shamrock4

Wow, the "don't hug her" comment in front of other family members is beyond creepy and weird. If your daughter only knew how many abused women have a relationship start out in this manner . . . trying to cut off ties and affection to the family so they can gain control. If it's not a control issue, the neediness is another major problem.

I usually am on the side of keeping my lip zipped but this guy does not sound normal. Does he work? Have other friends or want to spend all his time with your daughter? What is his situation with his family? Has he had other dating relationships?

During a private moment over a cup of tea or whatever, perhaps you could casually ask what's up with some of his comments and if she is comfortable with that behavior. As someone said, it may plant a seed of doubt that might protect her down the line. I can certainly understand why you are unsettled about this relationship.

Agree with all of the above. And it's not about being annoying. It's about throwing up red flags that do not bode well at all for your daughter's future well-being, OP.


I'm just curious about this baby-voice thing. Is that somewhat common, between bf's & gf's, or is that part of the red flag? Is it just a voice quality, or is it more like baby-talk, as someone mentioned? I only ran into baby-talk from a guy once in my life, and it struck me as a bizarre way to address a grown woman, and a virtual stranger, at that, not well-acquainted. Completely off-putting. Why do they do it? What does it mean?

[silibran]

Well, I am going to suggest a much more radical course. You have a computer. You know his name. Investigate him. Root around online and see what you find. Google how to do this, if you can’t imagine how.

Do not tell your daughter this UNLESS you find something bad, like a restraining order or an old assault charge, or an official disciplinary procedure.

If you make a deep search, and you find nothing, then just never, ever mention you did it.

Assuming a search finds nothing, I like the idea of making an offhand comnent about his behavior to see how your daughter reacts. But if you and your daughter regularly butt heads, I think even this small a comment could just imply you being judgy. So, use your discretion.

If you find something awful, you could ask your daughter some questions about his background. It is normal to ask about a new boyfriend. But you do need to tread carefully, but you also need to divulge what you found out. Even if you make your daughter angry.

When you sense trouble like this, you have to make hard choices.

[Lodestar]

I'm assuming that most parents have already addressed all these warning signs of a problematic partner back in your daughter's high school dating years. Maybe I was wrong to assume that?

If that's the case, it doesn't speak harshly of your preparation. It probably means that life for you and your child has been gentle and safe.

Certainly it's information every woman should have and better late than never. But I sense that in many cases it will be difficult at this particular juncture to get your point across without some friction.

[happygrrrl]

Originally Posted by animalcrazy

What you have is a conflict of personality, but, unfortunately your daughter does not share that experience. I would not alienate your daughter by voicing a negative opinion about someone she is in love with. If she asks you then try to be diplomatic about it. It's her choice on who she wants to be with, not yours. Let her grow in her way. She may very well wind up being married to him and having children with him. It might be best to try and just get along.

I have read every post and I agree 100% with the above.

I speak from experience. I felt the same as you about my daughter’s boyfriend (similar circumstances). I kept it to myself. It was hard to do, but I knew if I spoke up that I risked straining my relationship with my daughter, or losing it altogether. I’m glad I took that route, as he is now my son-in-law for over 6 years, and they have been together for over 12 years. They have a life together that works for them, she is happy, and I still have my daughter.

She was an adult and a self-supporting college student when they met, and, while she has asked my opinion on some important life issues, she didn’t ask me about this one.

So, unless she asks, do not share your opinion with your daughter. If she does ask, tread lightly.

[chiluvr1228]

A former boss I had told me this story. Her son had a GF she didn't care for so she started saying things like: "doesn't that <fill in the blank> bother or distract you? Another thing I've heard is to act like you love him and start talking about marriage to make him break up with her.


But seriously, unless he's abusing her I would say nothing unless she comes right out and asks your opinion and even at that I would probably keep it simple.