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Old 12-01-2018, 10:29 PM
 
Location: here
24,548 posts, read 28,963,949 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by gouligann View Post
I'd like to know where you got your information about parents putting themselves first, last, always and being benignly neglectful? If it was YOUR baby boomer parents who treated you like this, then that is only YOUR family. Don't generalize.

Our children, (yes, children of two baby boomers) now adults, were never put on a back burner and were never neglected. That was MY family.

See? every family is/was different. Generalizing without solid statistics is providing useless information.
I dislike generalizations, but there is some truth to this. It doesn't mean we (I'm a gen X raised by early boomers) were "neglected," but we gen X-ers are known as the lost generation and the daycare generation. That's not because our parents were being overly attentive to us.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/b...s-generation-z
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Old 12-01-2018, 10:34 PM
 
Location: Middle of the ocean
28,375 posts, read 18,022,551 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's never a good idea to characterize entire generations based on a few limited observations.

There is a happy medium between the psychologically damaging experience you had growing up, OP, where your thoughts were not even considered, and the type of indulgence you described in your OP.

In my experience, people spoil their kids because it's easier in the short term than disciplining them, which has to take place daily from the beginning.
This.

I was raised like the OP, "shut up and do what your told". Honestly, it took me a bit to recover from my upbringing.

While I do not believe that everything should be centered around the kids, there IS a happy medium.

I have no desire to take our kids on a trip they will not enjoy. I won't enjoy it, they won't enjoy it.... so we go for the happy medium. Heck, we took the kids camping and wake boarding (their happy place) sent them home, while DH and I went to Disneyland and Universal.

I view things as family oriented. Meaning DH and I won't be miserable, and the kids won't be miserable.
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Old Yesterday, 12:28 AM
 
2,528 posts, read 4,492,925 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Actually, the parents wanted to go to Colorado but the kid was adamant about going to Florida. So rhat's where they went.
I have an almost 28-year-old and most of my friends have kids, and none of us have ever caved to an unreasonable demand like that.

What a lot of us *did* do was allow our kids to express their wishes about various family activities and have input which we considered. That's very different than allowing them to *make* the decisions themselves.

You sound jealous, frankly, that your desires and needs were never taken into account.
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Old Yesterday, 06:36 AM
 
Location: Fairfield, CT
5,559 posts, read 8,253,015 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 20yrsinBranson View Post
Ok, I will say right off the bat that I am childfree. The only reference I have regarding child rearing are my own experiences as a child and the people I know who have kids.

What I'm having difficulty understanding us the amount of CONTROL small children exert over their parents' lives.

When I was a child, my parents lived their lives and I was an accessory to that life. My duties were to go to school, and learn, bit by bit, how to become an adult. No thought was EVER given to my personal preferences about anything dealing with the family. The singular exception being my birthday (after reaching about 10) when I got to decide what I wanted to do for my special day.

Other than that, what my parents wanted to do....we did. When my parents wanted to travel, we traveled. When they wanted to move...we moved. No thought was EVER given to what I wanted or even what I thought about it.

The friends I know who have children allow them to totally run their lives. Vacations are decided by what the children want to do. They are scheduled based upon the social obligations of the children. A very hard-working friend of mine spends his 1 day off EVERY week doing things that his 5 year old wants to do. Whats more aggravating is that the child does NOT appreciate anything and behaves like an insufferable spoiled brat.

I realize times have changed but my big question is Why are people willing to subjugate every aspect of their life for their children when it is not necessary?
It's a matter of degree. We have become an extremist society and take everything to a ridiculous extreme.

When I was a kid, the kids didn't dictate choice of vacations but suitability for kids was taken into account. We went to places like Disney World, amusement parks, etc that my parents would surely not have chosen to go to without kids. But they decided when and where we went, with cost and length of trip a factor.

I think that a big part of what is driving this trend is the fact that in most homes, both parents are working. This creates guilt in parents who think they're not spending enough time with their kids, a guilt that was not there when it was more common for mothers to stay home with their kids (as my mother did).
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Old Yesterday, 06:46 AM
 
Location: The analog world
16,208 posts, read 8,992,005 times
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OP, when you were young, did your parents both work full-time away from home?
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Old Yesterday, 07:05 AM
 
Location: Canada
5,232 posts, read 3,724,977 times
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When you have children, you expect AND plan to do fun things with them. That's just the way a happy family exists.

My husband and I are baby boomers and we raised two boys. We spent a lot of time with them, and went on many outings with them as they were growing up. We took road trips and camping/fishing trips which we ALL enjoyed.

Some kids might enjoy museums and such, but we knew our children wouldn't so we never subjected them to places they wouldn't enjoy. Why put them and US through the boredom, giving them reason to act out?

We had a good balance of activities for both young and not so young. We were fortunate to be able to afford getting a babysitter when we adults were going on trips or to places that were geared for adults.

----------------------------------------------
Now our boys are adults. One is married and has a 2 1/2 year daughter. Our other son is single.

We all still enjoy trips and camping/fishing trips together. I find that our son (who is a father) and his wife, are fairly closely following the same methods of parenting the way he was raised, combining a good balance of couple's alone time and child oriented times.
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Old Yesterday, 09:56 AM
 
Location: Chicago area
13,244 posts, read 7,316,971 times
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I never had children either, yet, I've had many in my life. I helped raise three rambunctious boys that lived across the street and an only child neighbor. Having 4 boys in the house was a lot of energy. I spoiled them rotten and we had many adventures of their choosing together. Ditto for the two sisters that lived next to one rental property and one neighbor girl that they befriended as well. They spent the night once a month for years. I spent every minute with them doing whatever they wanted to do. Because of them I learned how to roller skate and ice skate, which we still do both once a week. Now I have a 6 year old in my life that I'm very attached to and vise versa. She spends the night with her parents and will be with us for Christmas again this year. She wants me all to herself and we frequently leave every one at home and go off on an adventure walk. I treasure those one on one moments, just as I did with all of the kids in my life.

Children are not adults and deserve to think as children do. It's age appropriate. I was also stifled and forced to live as an adult when I was a child. There isn't much room for folly when you're being raised by alcoholics. I had to grow up fast.

I believe that we all go through stages in life and each stage needs to be explored to it's fullest. Including childhood. If you want to understand a child, you have to live in their world. I happen to be very good at that and I think that's why I'm such a kid magnet. Even at my worst. This sweet little girl attached herself to me when I was in therapy for my broken arm and wrist. She was bored and we started talking. She wanted us to go somewhere outside and talk, which of course, I couldn't do. LOL.. She said "We're friends." They see a playmate in an adult body, and yes, I'm very much in touch with my inner child because I never really had a childhood.

I don't look at it as you bend over backwards to let children dictate your life. Rather, I allow them to be children and live in their world because it's essential to growing as a person in all stages of life.

If it wasn't for those three crazy girls I never would have learned to roller skate or ice skate. (I never would have broken my arm and shattered my wrist either. Doh! But you have to take the good with the bad.) Roller skating lead to many new friendships, including the one that includes that precious 6 year old. Her father was the manager of the Indian restaurant we go to every Friday after roller skating. I started talking to him and he asked if he could go skating with us. I said sure. We've been family for about two years now and their little one ice skates and roller skates now too. All because of three little girls that wanted to spend the night
Children can enrich your life is you learn how to relate on their level. I highly recommend it.
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Old Yesterday, 10:11 AM
 
Location: MID ATLANTIC
7,632 posts, read 17,788,611 times
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Just throwing this out there - when my boys were young, when we wanted to avoid an invitation or a get together, it was far easier to say we had parental obligations with a prior engagement. Also, we both worked full time, at one point had live-in help, and we did not want to give up any time with our boys.

Sometimes, it's nothing more than an excuse, or, a preference where to spend precious time.
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Old Yesterday, 10:17 AM
 
Location: Crook County, Illinois
3,080 posts, read 1,303,334 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallie225 View Post
Its so difficult to try and fix things once damage has been done. If you let them run you, they will. Typical toddler behavior is testing parents and once they learn they can say no or act up, they do. You're childfree so you have no clue how hard it is!
I'm childfree too, and I agree with the OP. I honestly think that today's parents make things unnecessarily hard for themselves by overindulging their child(ren), so their argument about parenting being "hard" doesn't hold water. What a child needs is strong authority figures, who can lay down the law, make it clear who's in charge, and not have a hard time saying no.

My parents raised me old-school: they were in charge, I was a kid, end of story. I was allowed occasional indulgences, but in limited amounts as rewards for being good, and I very much appreciated them. Don't know why today's parents can't do it. Of course, I'm an only child, which made it easier (for them), given the "collective bargaining power" multiple kids have, that I didn't have. But that's life, and it ain't fair. I dealt with it. Today, I appreciate the freedoms of adulthood a lot more than I would have if I were overindulged as a child.

Last edited by MillennialUrbanist; Yesterday at 10:25 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 10:23 AM
 
Location: here
24,548 posts, read 28,963,949 times
Reputation: 31296
Quote:
Originally Posted by dazzleman View Post
It's a matter of degree. We have become an extremist society and take everything to a ridiculous extreme.

When I was a kid, the kids didn't dictate choice of vacations but suitability for kids was taken into account. We went to places like Disney World, amusement parks, etc that my parents would surely not have chosen to go to without kids. But they decided when and where we went, with cost and length of trip a factor.

I think that a big part of what is driving this trend is the fact that in most homes, both parents are working. This creates guilt in parents who think they're not spending enough time with their kids, a guilt that was not there when it was more common for mothers to stay home with their kids (as my mother did).
I don't think we are an extremist society. I think what we read about online and hear about on TV are the extremes, and that people who start threads in forums like this take an extreme and make it sound like the norm. In reality, hardly anyone is allowing their 5 yer old to choose the family vacation destination. In reality, parents choose vacation destinations or weekend activities that everyone, including their kids will enjoy.

Why does it have to be guilt? Why can't it just be that time is limited, and parents want to prioritize their kids in their limited time?
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