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Old 12-03-2018, 10:37 AM
 
587 posts, read 571,725 times
Reputation: 691

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Quote:
Originally Posted by hotmama7171 View Post
We have 2 children. The girl is age 16 and street smart, in shape, etc. The boy is age 20. He has mild Asperger's, has a chronic stomach condition (possibly Crohn's disease- we are working with a doctor to confirm this). The boy is weak from being sick a lot and very frail.

Here is my question: Would you allow an Uber to take your child to and from a doctor appointment that is a one hour round trip?

My husband and I disagree on this issue. Not only do we disagree, we are currently fighting about it. BIG TIME! My husband grew up with as the third child and his parents were sort of lax with his safety. His mother would frequently drop him off at the mall and not come back to get him for 3-4 hours. Even when they were out of town on vacation in unfamiliar areas- she would drop him off so she could go shopping. My parents were divorced when I was 7, but I was raised mostly by grandparents who were constantly worried about my safety. I definitely would not have been dropped off at a mall for several hours at age 12 like my hubby was when he was a kid. I resented them for not giving me more independence, but understand them worrying for my safety. It can be a cruel world for kids.

Our son has an upcoming doctor appointment which happens to be one morning when I will be at a doctor appointment myself. My husband is usually able to leave work for doctor appointments- his boss is not that strict on him and would understand if my husband told him he was taking his son to the doctor. But my husband does not want to take him to the doctor that morning- he suggests our son take an Uber.

I explained to my husband that my feelings are that I really don't want our son taking an Uber for this. This appointment is a 1 hour round trip and in an unfamiliar area of the city. Our son is very smart, but he's not too street smart and he is weak from being sick a lot. I worry about his safety. My husband laughed it off and told me our son would be fine, but our son told him that he was not going to take an Uber, so I should just drop it. I told hubby that the fact our son decided not to take the Uber is beside the point. The fact is that he should not ridicule my feelings regarding the Uber and should take me seriously. Hubby continued stating that he felt an Uber was fine. I told him I would like him to stop suggesting to our son that he take an Uber to his doctor appointments, errands, etc. (hubby has suggested an Uber in the past as well). I am not ok with it and I would appreciate he stop doing it. Hubby's reply was "Ok, I will try to not do it again". Then hubby proceeds to laugh at me. I'm like- WTF? What do you mean you will try????? Then anger set in. I became very very angry and chewed him out. Hubby said "I'm sorry you got upset", but not really taking ownership of what he was doing to upset me. Also- I do not appreciate him laughing at me as well. Hubby and I are currently in marriage therapy. The therapist has told us to speak from the heart because it usually gets us the answers/treatment we desire. I'm like, ok hubby, I spoke to you from the heart of a worried mother. I just wanted you to empathize with me and see my viewpoint but you laughed at me!


So parents: 1) Would you let your child take an Uber in this situation?

2) How would you respond to hubby?

Would I let a 20 or 16 year old take an uber, of course. Its not even a close call. As for the special needs component of your 20 year-old's life, its but one part of the person he is. At 20, he should have been working long ago to function with others in such situations. If he is not ready for a solo car ride with another adult, I would work on this with him immediately. It would be rare for an Asperger's adult not to be able to do this, but certain some are unable to. Someone near and dear to me is an Asperger's adult. While there are certainly social issues he has been dealing with his whole life, he makes it a point to confront each challenge as best he can. He flies all over the country for his job, taking planes, trains, cars and staying in hotels, and he is only 3 years older than your son. The only for your son to determine is his own limits and to try these things and set his own goals. You are not the parent on an infant, but an adult who will not have you in his life forever to shuttle him around. While I do not know you and him, I would look into whether he wants to be as independent as possible and I would make it your goal to make him as independent as possible regardless of feelings. As for a 16 year old, they can absolutely take cabs, taxis, ubers by themselves. My oldest is 13 and she takes subways and buses alone frequently. She has not done an uber alone because she does not have access to the app on her phone yet. But in about 2 years, we plan to give it to her. NYC taxis usually do not pick up single teens, but groups are commonly picked up. She has taken ubers and taxis in groups of 2 or 3 dozens of times.

As for you and your husband, you clearly have communication and respect issues to work out. It seems like a lot of anger going both ways here. I cannot image having a co-parent who differs as much as the two of you appear to on teen and adult child independence. But I am surely in your partner's corner on the independence issues. How to communicate these things, both of you have a lot of work to do. Your reports of his mannerisms and your own in this post show a lot of disrespect towards each other. Good luck and best wishes.
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Old 12-03-2018, 10:58 AM
 
Location: Scrapple country
1,310 posts, read 1,113,622 times
Reputation: 3465
Quote:
Originally Posted by ukiyo-e View Post
I'm glad you finally got into therapy, but you really need to stop vying for sympathy from strangers on websites. Your pattern seems to be that if you don't get the validation you want from people here, you try harder and harder to explain why you're right and your husband is wrong. Then you get very defensive and sarcastic when no one agrees with you. Work this part of the problem out with your therapist.
Yes. The real issue here is the dynamic between you, OP, and your husband (you do mention at some point that your son doesn't even want to take the Uber, so that premise of your post is entirely moot). What you really want from this post is for us to validate your feelings.

Frankly, that is what you're going to marriage counseling for. Let the professional help you hash it out.
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Old 12-03-2018, 01:01 PM
 
6,980 posts, read 3,817,375 times
Reputation: 4662
Quote:
Originally Posted by hotmama7171 View Post
We have 2 children. The girl is age 16 and street smart, in shape, etc. The boy is age 20. He has mild Asperger's, has a chronic stomach condition (possibly Crohn's disease- we are working with a doctor to confirm this). The boy is weak from being sick a lot and very frail.

Here is my question: Would you allow an Uber to take your child to and from a doctor appointment that is a one hour round trip?

My husband and I disagree on this issue. Not only do we disagree, we are currently fighting about it. BIG TIME! My husband grew up with as the third child and his parents were sort of lax with his safety. His mother would frequently drop him off at the mall and not come back to get him for 3-4 hours. Even when they were out of town on vacation in unfamiliar areas- she would drop him off so she could go shopping. My parents were divorced when I was 7, but I was raised mostly by grandparents who were constantly worried about my safety. I definitely would not have been dropped off at a mall for several hours at age 12 like my hubby was when he was a kid. I resented them for not giving me more independence, but understand them worrying for my safety. It can be a cruel world for kids.

Our son has an upcoming doctor appointment which happens to be one morning when I will be at a doctor appointment myself. My husband is usually able to leave work for doctor appointments- his boss is not that strict on him and would understand if my husband told him he was taking his son to the doctor. But my husband does not want to take him to the doctor that morning- he suggests our son take an Uber.

I explained to my husband that my feelings are that I really don't want our son taking an Uber for this. This appointment is a 1 hour round trip and in an unfamiliar area of the city. Our son is very smart, but he's not too street smart and he is weak from being sick a lot. I worry about his safety. My husband laughed it off and told me our son would be fine, but our son told him that he was not going to take an Uber, so I should just drop it. I told hubby that the fact our son decided not to take the Uber is beside the point. The fact is that he should not ridicule my feelings regarding the Uber and should take me seriously. Hubby continued stating that he felt an Uber was fine. I told him I would like him to stop suggesting to our son that he take an Uber to his doctor appointments, errands, etc. (hubby has suggested an Uber in the past as well). I am not ok with it and I would appreciate he stop doing it. Hubby's reply was "Ok, I will try to not do it again". Then hubby proceeds to laugh at me. I'm like- WTF? What do you mean you will try????? Then anger set in. I became very very angry and chewed him out. Hubby said "I'm sorry you got upset", but not really taking ownership of what he was doing to upset me. Also- I do not appreciate him laughing at me as well. Hubby and I are currently in marriage therapy. The therapist has told us to speak from the heart because it usually gets us the answers/treatment we desire. I'm like, ok hubby, I spoke to you from the heart of a worried mother. I just wanted you to empathize with me and see my viewpoint but you laughed at me!


So parents: 1) Would you let your child take an Uber in this situation?

2) How would you respond to hubby?
1. No way.
2. File charges of neglect and endangerment. divorce him
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Old 12-03-2018, 01:42 PM
 
929 posts, read 576,854 times
Reputation: 1489
Goodness he is 20.

Unless he is severely disabled or very,very sick; he should be able to take an Uber (or- don't faint- a bus or train) to and from a Doctor's appointment.

In fact, he SHOULD be quite capable of scheduling and going to his appointments without mummy in tow. I know people with downs syndrome that are more functional than that. Good grief. Poor kid.
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Old 12-03-2018, 03:35 PM
 
Location: TX
74 posts, read 22,015 times
Reputation: 73
You're not going to be around forever. When I was 11, I was walking to the mall! I was riding my bike on busy roads! Better for them to learn street smarts. How can he be street smart if you baby him?! Even people with disabilities and issues take thr public bus or walk or whatever.
I was still babied and because of that, I left home. It's sufocating. Maybe before his appt, take an uber with him and don't help him but see if he can find the building and office on his own? See if he is capable....at least try! Why not have his sister go with him?
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Old 12-03-2018, 03:37 PM
 
Location: TX
74 posts, read 22,015 times
Reputation: 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by LowonLuck View Post
1. No way.
2. File charges of neglect and endangerment. divorce him
Haha are you serious? Neglect for trying to get his kid to toughen up?!
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Old 12-04-2018, 06:35 AM
 
6,980 posts, read 3,817,375 times
Reputation: 4662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallie225 View Post
Haha are you serious? Neglect for trying to get his kid to toughen up?!
An adult with Aspergers can be very much like a child still. The mother would know best.

My mom had a friend that had a son with Aspergers. He is 35 and lives in a group home. He is not capable of doing everything on his own. His parents both died when he was a child so it was not from being coddled
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Old 12-04-2018, 08:58 AM
 
Location: Texas
7,134 posts, read 2,585,905 times
Reputation: 15050
I may have my kids take an Uber once their in high school. I'd rather them delay having a car and driving. That's my opinion. I have no issues with Uber or them not knowing the driver. They'll have a cell phone with them. They know how to call 911 if there's a problem.
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Old 12-04-2018, 09:21 AM
 
Location: MMU->ABE->ATL->ASH
9,024 posts, read 16,313,965 times
Reputation: 9774
Quote:
Originally Posted by PriscillaVanilla View Post
I may have my kids take an Uber once their in high school. I'd rather them delay having a car and driving. That's my opinion. I have no issues with Uber or them not knowing the driver. They'll have a cell phone with them. They know how to call 911 if there's a problem.
Uber has 18 as the minimum age to use a Uber as the primary rider/requester.

Under 18 can use Uber with someone 18+. The driver can reject the ride when S/He arrives and finds a underage rider. And will tag the account as a Under Age Rider so the rider can not just call another Uber. (Lyft I think has the same policy)
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Old 12-04-2018, 10:46 AM
 
Location: Texas
7,134 posts, read 2,585,905 times
Reputation: 15050
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tallie225 View Post
You're not going to be around forever. When I was 11, I was walking to the mall! I was riding my bike on busy roads!
Nowadays, parents can have CPS called on them if an 11 year old is out alone at the mall.
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