Uber for Child? (teens, divorced, autism, parents)
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We have 2 children. The girl is age 16 and street smart, in shape, etc. The boy is age 20. He has mild Asperger's, has a chronic stomach condition (possibly Crohn's disease- we are working with a doctor to confirm this). The boy is weak from being sick a lot and very frail.
Here is my question: Would you allow an Uber to take your child to and from a doctor appointment that is a one hour round trip?
My husband and I disagree on this issue. Not only do we disagree, we are currently fighting about it. BIG TIME! My husband grew up with as the third child and his parents were sort of lax with his safety. His mother would frequently drop him off at the mall and not come back to get him for 3-4 hours. Even when they were out of town on vacation in unfamiliar areas- she would drop him off so she could go shopping. My parents were divorced when I was 7, but I was raised mostly by grandparents who were constantly worried about my safety. I definitely would not have been dropped off at a mall for several hours at age 12 like my hubby was when he was a kid. I resented them for not giving me more independence, but understand them worrying for my safety. It can be a cruel world for kids.
Our son has an upcoming doctor appointment which happens to be one morning when I will be at a doctor appointment myself. My husband is usually able to leave work for doctor appointments- his boss is not that strict on him and would understand if my husband told him he was taking his son to the doctor. But my husband does not want to take him to the doctor that morning- he suggests our son take an Uber.
I explained to my husband that my feelings are that I really don't want our son taking an Uber for this. This appointment is a 1 hour round trip and in an unfamiliar area of the city. Our son is very smart, but he's not too street smart and he is weak from being sick a lot. I worry about his safety. My husband laughed it off and told me our son would be fine, but our son told him that he was not going to take an Uber, so I should just drop it. I told hubby that the fact our son decided not to take the Uber is beside the point. The fact is that he should not ridicule my feelings regarding the Uber and should take me seriously. Hubby continued stating that he felt an Uber was fine. I told him I would like him to stop suggesting to our son that he take an Uber to his doctor appointments, errands, etc. (hubby has suggested an Uber in the past as well). I am not ok with it and I would appreciate he stop doing it. Hubby's reply was "Ok, I will try to not do it again". Then hubby proceeds to laugh at me. I'm like- WTF? What do you mean you will try????? Then anger set in. I became very very angry and chewed him out. Hubby said "I'm sorry you got upset", but not really taking ownership of what he was doing to upset me. Also- I do not appreciate him laughing at me as well. Hubby and I are currently in marriage therapy. The therapist has told us to speak from the heart because it usually gets us the answers/treatment we desire. I'm like, ok hubby, I spoke to you from the heart of a worried mother. I just wanted you to empathize with me and see my viewpoint but you laughed at me!
So parents: 1) Would you let your child take an Uber in this situation?
Your son is 20. He is not a child. People with disabilities much harder to accommodate than his learn to operate independently. It may well be that he's not ready to take an Uber to a doctor's appointment alone at this time, but if that's truly the case, you ought to be working with him to get him ready. Should already have done so, really, but there's no time like the present.
Look into mobility services for the disabled in your area. Many areas have van services, discounted taxis, etc., avaliable, with drivers who are accustomed to serving people with extra challenges.
If he was 6 or 10 or 13, absolutely not. But 20? He is not a child. My 17-year-old has taken Uber with no issues. Is it possible for your daughter or someone else to go with him the first time so he understands what to do and the basic etiquette? If he has Asperger's he might not really get "small talk," and that's okay; I've had Uber drivers who have ranged from chatty to silent and I'm sure they adjust to their clients. Or maybe your son has additional needs that you might need to address first.
The only real issue I see is that if he's actively sick with the Crohns, that could be an issue. Where you would be able to pull over and find a bathroom quickly if the need arose, an Uber driver might not.
Although your son has some disabilities, that doesn't make him a child and he should be treated like an adult whenever possible. It might not be possible in this particular case, but he should not be expected to depend on you for rides for the rest of his life, either. Taking an Uber might be a great first step toward greater independence. If he has Asperger's, I'm assuming he has a behavioral therapist or some other type of specialist that he is or was seeing. This is a good question for that person. The goal should be to get him to the point where he is as independent as possible for his individual circumstances.
As far as your husband goes, it's not right for him to laugh at you. At the same time, it's not right for you to insist that everything be done your way. I am the unreasonably worried when it comes to my kids (two neurotypical teens). My husband is a protective but reasonable dad. So we balance each other out and I often acknowledge that my concerns are irrational. If you are having a lot of anxiety, counseling for you might be warranted. If your husband is generally reasonably protective and he thinks it's unreasonable to fear letting him use Uber, then it is worth examining whether you are the one being unreasonable. I totally get where you're coming from... my son has traveled all over the United States with friends and other families, and he's planning a trip to Australia in a few months with friends (after he turns 18) and I'm usually a nervous wreck. But I have to acknowledge that my fears are mostly irrational and understand that I can't hold the kids back because I'm scared. That would be selfish. They have to learn how to function in the world as adults. The same applies to your son.
Last edited by AnotherTouchOfWhimsy; 12-01-2018 at 05:41 AM..
Your son is 20. He is not a child. People with disabilities much harder to accommodate than his learn to operate independently. It may well be that he's not ready to take an Uber to a doctor's appointment alone at this time, but if that's truly the case, you ought to be working with him to get him ready. Should already have done so, really, but there's no time like the present.
Look into mobility services for the disabled in your area. Many areas have van services, discounted taxis, etc., avaliable, with drivers who are accustomed to serving people with extra challenges.
This is a better option if available but the distance might be too much.
What does your son say...? Would he feel comfortable??
I would reschedule my own doctor's appointment and go with him myself.
Getting there is not the most important consideration. Even as a middle-aged woman, I like having someone at the doc with me to help remember stuff the doctor says.
I would reschedule my own doctor's appointment and go with him myself.
Getting there is not the most important consideration. Even as a middle-aged woman, I like having someone at the doc with me to help remember stuff the doctor says.
I would also be more concerned about the actual appointment than the Uber ride. While your son is an adult, in his situation are you sure that he will be asking all of the correct questions, answering the doctor's questions adequately and writing down all of his medical information accurately?
Even as a fully functional woman in my middle 60s when I have an important doctor's appointment or crucial/complicated diagnostic tests I usually have another adult come with me as a second pair of "eyes and ears". This has proved to be extremely valuable several times.
Regarding hubby's reaction. IMHO, he was a jerk for laughing at you. OTOH, I would start allowing my son to take short Uber rides (or take the city bus or other transportation), first with you or his sister and later on his own. But, I would not start with a doctor's appointment, in an unfamiliar part of town, 30 minutes away from home.
as to your son, reschedule the appointment and go with him yourself, I assume you would want to get first hand whatever the doctor has to say.
The big issue here does not seem to be whether or not he should ride Uber, but that you are annoyed by your husband's point of view. It seems to be way more about you than about your son, who is not a child, your children are young adults.
I have a son several years older than yours with Asperger's/Autism who would have jumped at the chance at getting away from me to ride Uber by himself to the doctor. My son has worked since he was 16 and has been driving that long as well. He now takes Uber ever so often to get to work and back.
What really is worrying is that you say your son has been very sick, going to an unfamiliar area, and not very street smart. You might want to reschedule to go with him for a first visit and then if he is well enough and feels confident about it, send him on his own next time.
Hubby and I are currently in marriage therapy. The therapist has told us to speak from the heart because it usually gets us the answers/treatment we desire. I'm like, ok hubby, I spoke to you from the heart of a worried mother. I just wanted you to empathize with me and see my viewpoint but you laughed at me!
So parents: 1) Would you let your child take an Uber in this situation?
2) How would you respond to hubby?
I'm glad you finally got into therapy, but you really need to stop vying for sympathy from strangers on websites. Your pattern seems to be that if you don't get the validation you want from people here, you try harder and harder to explain why you're right and your husband is wrong. Then you get very defensive and sarcastic when no one agrees with you. Work this part of the problem out with your therapist.
As for the Uber, if you're concerned that it's beyond his ability and it worries you so much, why can't you change your appointment so you can take your son? Having him start with shorter trips if he hasn't already been doing so was a good suggestion. The other issue is that a 30-minute Uber ride is going to be really expensive.
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