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Old 12-04-2018, 10:02 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,192 posts, read 630,183 times
Reputation: 1566

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ralph_Kirk View Post
There was a movie with Bette Midler a few years ago. I never saw the movie, but I remember a line from the trailer.

There had been an argument between a father and his adult daughter. Bette Midler, the mother, had sided with her husband in the dispute.

The daughter said, exasperated, "Why do you always side with Dad?"

Better Midler replied, "Because when you leave, he's the one who stays."

Ideally, nobody should come between wife and husband. Not parents and not even children.

There are lots of broken relationships today and lots of people in crippled relationships, but if a man and a woman are planning to be husband and wife, one thing they need to get straight up front is that nobody will come between them. They must both be willing to tell their respective parents to butt out, and they must be willing not to complain to their parents about minor issues between them. (Clearly, I'm not talking about marriage-extinction events, however.)

And that includes any children they might already have.

A single mother who tells a man, "My children must always come first" isn't ready for a relationship with a man. She just isn't.

She might find a man who is willing to be "Number Two" (at least for a while), but she shouldn't expect a man to accept that provision, she shouldn't be surprised if he'd rather find a woman with whom he can be "Number One Person," and he's not wrong for wanting to be a woman's "Number One Person"--because women certainly expect him to make them the "Number One Person."

What's going to happen more often is that after she's made clear "you're number two," the man has actually assigned her to some subordinate level behind some other interest as well.

Even with abuse? and siding with someone just bc they stay with you? that just seems really messed up
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Old 12-04-2018, 10:30 AM
 
18,436 posts, read 10,086,299 times
Reputation: 18048
Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods View Post
Even with abuse? and siding with someone just bc they stay with you? that just seems really messed up
I guess you missed where I said:

(Clearly, I'm not talking about marriage-extinction events, however.)
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Old 12-04-2018, 10:57 AM
 
Location: So Cal
38,919 posts, read 38,260,970 times
Reputation: 39829
Sorry to hear that the OP was raised in that kind of environment. Not all women are momma bears and unfortunately that's just the way it is.

Why do they do it, IDK, lots of things listed here already are probably all factors for sure. Sometimes people also just care about their own needs first, as ugly as that sounds. We sometime tend to wanna slap some psych-babble on certain behavior to try and understand it better but sometimes it just boils down to the plain old fact that some people suck eggs.....

I suggest that the OP not spend a whole lot of time on it because it doesn't really matter all that much. I know that my parents did things that I still even coming up on 50 years old find myself getting worked up over and I have to remember to let things go, in other words heed my own advice. It's hard at times because I have a tendency to problem solve too much and I don't like unexplained or irrational things dangling out there in the universe, but sometimes it is what it is.
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Old 12-04-2018, 11:32 AM
 
1,197 posts, read 430,038 times
Reputation: 2467
I think that it's a case of people who should never have been parents.People tend to forget that CHILDREN were not asked to be brought into this world and if you're going to be parents... you should know that your child or children comes first when they're growing up because that is what parents should do.If you wanted to put your spouse first...then don't have any kids and the spouse will always be first.I don't understand this way of thinking.I think it's sad and damaging for the poor child who never asked to be brought into this world.You would think once people have children...that they would understand that things would change for awhile.Babies,children need a lot of love and care and if you as a parent feel that your spouse should always come first before your kid...then shame on you.Some people say they put the spouse first because when the child grows up..they leave the nest so the spouse is the one that stays...So you're saying that you just don't want to be alone so you would rather spend more time on the one that you think will not leave you in the end??
Just don't have kids if you really feel that way.
There is a way that you can take care of your kid(s) while not feeling like you're neglecting your spouse.It helps if the spouse is also along with helping out and working together as a team with the child.Spouses working together... can take time for each but they need to work as a team. You should start off by having a strong partner that realizes that the child needs to come first when growing up..
Those women and men who always puts their relationships first are selfish and don't get how it doesn't have to be that way.Maybe they just prefer it that way as well.I'm glad I never had to go through with this mess growing up.
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Old 12-04-2018, 11:34 AM
 
11,515 posts, read 12,806,144 times
Reputation: 12653
There could be many reasons.

Some kids try to pin parents against new parents.

We may need dicipline. The new parent or partner may have less of a connection so they may be more harsh to a kid that is not theirs.

Mom may not want to lose new man like the first one. Holding tight at any cost.

Honestly, kids move out and they are left in time.
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Old 12-04-2018, 11:39 AM
 
18,436 posts, read 10,086,299 times
Reputation: 18048
Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
I think that it's a case of people who should never have been parents.People tend to forget that CHILDREN were not asked to be brought into this world and if you're going to parents... you should know that your child or children comes first when they're growing up because that is what parents should do.If you wanted to put your spouse first...then don't have any kids and the spouse will always be first.I don't understand this way of thinking.I think it's sad and damaging for the poor child who never asked to be brought into this world.You would think once people have children...that they would understand that things would change for awhile.Babies,children need a lot of love and care and if you as a parent feel that your spouse should always come first before your kid...then shame on you.Some people say they put the spouse first because when the child grows up..they leave the nest so the spouse is the one that stays...So you're saying that you just don't want to be alone so you would rather spend more time on the one that you think will not leave you in the end??
Just don't have kids if you really feel that way.
There is a way that you can take care of your kid(s) while not feeling like you're neglecting your spouse.It helps if the spouse is also along with helping out and working together as a team with the child.Spouses working together... can take time for each but they need to work as a team. You should start off by having a strong partner that realizes that the child needs to come first when growing up..
Those women and men who always puts their relationships first are selfish and don't get how it doesn't have to be that way.Maybe they just prefer it that way as well.I'm glad I never had to go through with this mess growing up.
Parents putting their marriage relationship first are not selfish. They are like the parent in the aircraft who puts on her own oxygen mask before putting on the child's oxygen mask.

If the marriage fails because of neglect, that doesn't do the children any good. Children don't need that much helicoptering. Moreover, children need to see that their parents have a relationship that they can't pry apart.
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Old 12-04-2018, 11:52 AM
 
842 posts, read 332,839 times
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Picking your new boyfriend over your kids when you are dating is totally different that siding with another parents in a home where both parents are the biological parent. I am of the feeling that if people divorce, they can date, have a social life etc, but no one should be moving in until the kids are out. It just generally creates so much drama and stress for the kids. I went through it in my life as a child with parents divorced, and I know if I am ever single again no way would I be introducing my child to men or having a man move in with us.
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Old 12-04-2018, 12:04 PM
 
Location: Colorado
10,140 posts, read 6,440,817 times
Reputation: 18150
Quote:
Originally Posted by canadiangirl_2015 View Post
Picking your new boyfriend over your kids when you are dating is totally different that siding with another parents in a home where both parents are the biological parent. I am of the feeling that if people divorce, they can date, have a social life etc, but no one should be moving in until the kids are out. It just generally creates so much drama and stress for the kids. I went through it in my life, and I know if I am ever single again no way would I be introducing my child to men or having a man move in with us.
I thought similarly until things got more committed with my boyfriend. But I dated him, living separately, and slowly building trust and commitment, for about 2 years before we moved in together. I knew he wasn't going to try to really parent my sons. There is no drama between him and my boys, none at all. There is no conflict there. He just is not the kind of man who is going to step in and tell me how to raise my kids or try to be an authority figure or anything. If he has a problem with something they're doing, he'll discuss it with me and I will handle it. I'm the parent. It's my job.

I've seen a lot of stepfathers try to assert dominance and authority over stepkids. To become an instant new parent figure. With small children that can work, they can attach and adjust if he is being a healthy, good person at least, and accept him as a parent. But with older kids, it just creates a hell of a power struggle, and as you said, drama.

Last night I was talking to my son, who is trying to navigate a troubled teenage relationship right now (he is 17.) I was talking about the things I think are good about my relationship with my boyfriend, how even though my son might not SEE this in action a whole lot, the fact is, my boyfriend is so supportive to me that he gives me the strength and sanity to handle my challenges for instance. My son said, "Oh no, I see how the two of you are together. I mean, he's not in my face all the time or anything, but I can tell how good you are for each other. I actually admire both of you and your relationship a lot. It's teaching me what a good relationship should look and feel like."

I'm not kidding, my son said that to me. Just last night in the parking lot at Walmart.

I think the key thing is keeping things somewhat slow. Don't jump into anything serious too fast, don't make any sudden moves. Take plenty of time to get over whatever issues you've got when you first become a single parent and learn what you need to learn, and to get to know anyone new really well, before you consider living together. (This addressed to anyone, not you specifically.)

My ex dated a woman, and she literally invited him to her kid's birthday party for their first date. That was just...batpoop insane, if you ask me.
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Old 12-04-2018, 12:13 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
73,565 posts, read 65,242,683 times
Reputation: 69832
OP, I think it boils down to the fact that some parents (even if they're in a stable marriage) are all about themselves and their needs. In the case of single or divorced moms, it could be, as others have said here, that they're desperate for an adult partner. For others, it's narcissism, or some other personality disorder. Narcissists will scapegoat their own kids, or will single out one to be scapegoated, and that child will never be believed about anything, even if s/he's the only honest one in the bunch.

Or the parent may have had an old-fashioned upbringing, left over from the time when children routinely were not believed. They weren't considered to be reliable sources of information; they were suspected to be always motivated to "make up stories", or otherwise deceive people. It took a major social movement sometime around the 1960's/70's to raise awareness about child abuse, before parents and judges in court began to consider kids as people whose complaints should be taken seriously. So maybe your mom is from that kind of background, where her parents believed "children should be seen, and not heard".

How is your sister doing now? She might consider talking it out and getting some healing, or off-loading some anger, with a counselor/therapist on this topic. There may be trauma present, or at the very least, a sense of betrayal by her own mom. That's a big deal.
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Old 12-04-2018, 12:27 PM
 
3,798 posts, read 2,105,968 times
Reputation: 6642
Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit View Post
Yes... We learned the hard way.

We made the mistake of not taking care of ourselves as a couple while struggling with children. Ultimately it contributed to our current state of separation. Even today, my wife (ex wife?) continues on the same path and hasn't really acknowledged the issue.

Every situation is different and difficult... However I know a few single mothers and being miserable alone without any seemingly way out makes your children feel more like a burden than a joy..
That is great perspective thanks for sharing. Having children is very difficult in my respects but not working to maintain a relationship along with mental & physical fitness is common things that get sacrificed. You really learn the meaning of "it takes a village" when you have them.

At the end of the day whatever current angst we face I know in the long-run I'm better off with my wife in my life than without. I see it and any current issues we have really melt away with long-term perspective.
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