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Old 12-04-2018, 12:37 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,332 posts, read 7,611,858 times
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My mom and dad have always said that they come first before us kids.

Never bothered me but there wasn't abuse in my childhood.
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Old 12-04-2018, 01:52 PM
 
1,858 posts, read 1,189,381 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods View Post
i have a question that i have been thinking about, but nobody to ask. Growing up, my mom put a lot of her relationships before any of us kids. She would date guys and theyd move in, this was a pattern for a long time. Of course some of the guys werent nice at all. There was one situation where one of them messed around with my sister and she was 15 years old. My mom refused to believe it and put all the blame on my sister and the whole situation was horrible. That kind of thing didnt happen again, but my mom basically siding with her boyfriends was always a thing. It was always them over us.

I have seen both online and in real life the exact same thing. Two of my friends say the same thing happened to them, where their parents sided not with them but the person they were with. My friend told me that her stepdad would beat her up and put his hands on her (not like that but in an abusive way) and she would try to tell her mom but her mom would just tell her to shut up about it. And its not a situation that just happens to poor people because her mom was a successful nurse and had a lot going for her.

I just wonder why this happens and what the parents thought process is? Do they really not believe their kids or are they just lonely? why do they not want to deal with the situation?

I'm sorry if this isnt the right place to put this, i didnt know where to put it.
The husband or wife should be the first priority in a good marriage, followed by the kids. If its in reverse, the marriage will die.

Now I'm just talking a normal healthy family here- not some weird stuff where the husband beats the kids and the wife looks the other way and supports the husband. In those cases, the partner is just weak and afraid to be alone.
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Old 12-04-2018, 02:11 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,518 posts, read 24,423,946 times
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Your partner is a lot more fun than your kids. Kids are work. Neverending work.

The right answer is there has to be balance. There are times when the kids come first. There are times when my partner comes first and there are times when *I* come first. You have to be able to do this to survive plus it's a mistake to teach your children that they are always the most important people in the world. If you don't, the real world will leave them bitter and disappointed. This is not easy to do!
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Old 12-04-2018, 02:14 PM
 
7,200 posts, read 2,818,302 times
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In my observation, the majority of the time mothers are really neglectful, they had horrible mothers themselves.

It's amazing what comes out of my mouth, that I really almost didn't plan to say, that I learned straight from my mother who was a wonderful mom.

It's just so much easier to mother a child if you had a wonderful mother yourself. It almost becomes auto-pilot.

I think the same thing is true if you had a terrible mother who neglected you and chose a man over her child. They're on auto-pilot too.
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Old 12-04-2018, 03:26 PM
 
1,038 posts, read 1,719,353 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DontH8Me View Post
And the same can be said for the other side-some men want to be with a woman, any woman, rather than being alone. Including men who are fathers.

If you are a big fan of putting one's dating life on hold until the kids are out of the house, does the other parent have to do the same? By other parent, I mean the one who is also a parent but has the child or children less frequently.

In no way am I supporting the 'cycling of strangers' in a child's home, but the parent can show some better judgment in who they are dating, and who they prioritize.
I think neither parent, any parent, should move their boyfriend/girlfriend in if there are minor children in the house.

Perhaps I misspoke--I'm not against dating, I'm against exposing your children to whomever you happen to be dating at the time. I'm strongly against moving in together if there are minor kids involved. Kids get attached and live-ins leave, kids get abused by live-ins. Yes, I know bio parents can leave and abuse too, but chances are higher it happens with non-bio gf/bf.

So, date and sleep with whomever you want, keep it away from your kids.

And I agree men can act as foolishly as women.
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Old 12-04-2018, 03:39 PM
 
18,469 posts, read 10,110,847 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
I think neither parent, any parent, should move their boyfriend/girlfriend in if there are minor children in the house.

Perhaps I misspoke--I'm not against dating, I'm against exposing your children to whomever you happen to be dating at the time. I'm strongly against moving in together if there are minor kids involved. Kids get attached and live-ins leave, kids get abused by live-ins. Yes, I know bio parents can leave and abuse too, but chances are higher it happens with non-bio gf/bf.

So, date and sleep with whomever you want, keep it away from your kids.

And I agree men can act as foolishly as women.
So...not to dispute with you about your point, but the question I have then (as an old man in this modern age) is whether marriage makes a difference.

To me--as an old man in this modern age--it would. I was a single parent with my son from the time he was nine months until his fifth birthday. Then I remarried. Of course, my new wife moved in with us, and she fully operated in his life as "mom."

Now, being from an older generation, she did not move in with us while we were dating, only after we married.

But these days, with so many young people who don't believe the marriage ceremony is important--people who have children and buy houses and live together without the ceremony--but consider themselves in a "committed" relationship....

...how does the advice of gf/bf not moving in matter?

Or are we saying, "Don't move in unless you intend up front to have a 'committed' relationship?"
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Old 12-04-2018, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Texas
7,165 posts, read 2,606,696 times
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In order for a marriage to work you have to put your spouse above all others - most of the time. Unmarried partners are a different story. I think some people are so desperate to have a partner they'll put up with anything.
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Old 12-04-2018, 03:47 PM
 
Location: Colorado
10,188 posts, read 6,458,603 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
I think neither parent, any parent, should move their boyfriend/girlfriend in if there are minor children in the house.

Perhaps I misspoke--I'm not against dating, I'm against exposing your children to whomever you happen to be dating at the time. I'm strongly against moving in together if there are minor kids involved. Kids get attached and live-ins leave, kids get abused by live-ins. Yes, I know bio parents can leave and abuse too, but chances are higher it happens with non-bio gf/bf.

So, date and sleep with whomever you want, keep it away from your kids.

And I agree men can act as foolishly as women.
Are people not supposed to consider remarrying until after the kids are grown, either?

I mean, I already spoke to this here:
http://www.city-data.com/forum/53799397-post18.html

...and in many cases I agree with you, but not absolutely. I mainly think that people should take their time and be more careful. I think that a lot of people (whether they have kids or not) take the step of cohabitation too early in a relationship. People should wait until at least the infatuation phase or "honeymoon phase" (which can be up to 2 years, or so the relationship experts say!) has worn off.

Of course with kids at home it's even more important to be cautious.

But there have been situations I've seen with single parents, where the kids so very badly need a parental role model in the person of their parent's new partner, especially when the original non-custodial parent has actually left and doesn't spend time with them. And where a healthy, happy, loving relationship between their parent and someone new who treats them well, has brought much healing after a divorce.

Beyond that, there are cases like my Mom's where she just could not afford to support us without the help of a man. She partnered up with this guy...I can't consider him a "stepfather" because he was closer to MY age...not because they were really good or happy for one another but because he was willing to provide, and was the only thing keeping us from serious poverty at the time. That's most definitely not optimal, but I can hardly judge people for enjoying things like food and shelter.

There are many possible cases. Not all are bad...and even the ones that are bad, aren't always bad in the same ways.
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Old 12-04-2018, 03:50 PM
 
Location: Texas
7,165 posts, read 2,606,696 times
Reputation: 15138
Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
I think neither parent, any parent, should move their boyfriend/girlfriend in if there are minor children in the house.

Perhaps I misspoke--I'm not against dating, I'm against exposing your children to whomever you happen to be dating at the time. I'm strongly against moving in together if there are minor kids involved. Kids get attached and live-ins leave, kids get abused by live-ins. Yes, I know bio parents can leave and abuse too, but chances are higher it happens with non-bio gf/bf.
.
Especially with the hook-up culture these days, there's tons of people out there just wanting one-night stands. I wouldn't expose my kids to these people.
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Old 12-04-2018, 04:13 PM
 
9,603 posts, read 2,632,371 times
Reputation: 8708
Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods View Post
i have a question that i have been thinking about, but nobody to ask.
I just wonder why this happens and what the parents thought process is? Do they really not believe their kids or are they just lonely? why do they not want to deal with the situation?

I'm sorry if this isnt the right place to put this, i didnt know where to put it.
Selfishness. But that doesn't always mean intentional selfishness. Most of us delude ourselves in various way - some more than others. We could extend the quote "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” to "the mass of humans" - especially due to parity among the sexes in the modern West. So start there. Most people know now what they do - are driven by base instincts and subconscious.

My second point is this - raising kids is HARD. I mean...harder than just about anything else in the world. I have been a parent for 45 years and I am STILL a parent and will have to deal with my kids diseases, etc. for the rest of my life. There is no "finish" except when I meet the Grim Reaper.

Yet evolution and society doesn't teach this to us...when we are young we think we can do anything and having children in "natural" after all.

If you give 10 people the choice between the easy way and the incredibly hard way, a lot of them are going to take the first.

I mean no disrespect at all - no one is Superman or Superwoman and most people are confused for much of their lives (or all of it!)....

You can't win no matter what.
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