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Old 12-04-2018, 04:57 PM
 
Location: Richardson, TX
10,490 posts, read 16,906,219 times
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Some mothers put themselves first. Others put their kids first. Still others seek a balance.
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Old 12-04-2018, 05:14 PM
 
4,181 posts, read 1,714,780 times
Reputation: 13266
Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods View Post
i have a question that i have been thinking about, but nobody to ask. Growing up, my mom put a lot of her relationships before any of us kids. She would date guys and theyd move in, this was a pattern for a long time. Of course some of the guys werent nice at all. There was one situation where one of them messed around with my sister and she was 15 years old. My mom refused to believe it and put all the blame on my sister and the whole situation was horrible. That kind of thing didnt happen again, but my mom basically siding with her boyfriends was always a thing. It was always them over us.

I have seen both online and in real life the exact same thing. Two of my friends say the same thing happened to them, where their parents sided not with them but the person they were with. My friend told me that her stepdad would beat her up and put his hands on her (not like that but in an abusive way) and she would try to tell her mom but her mom would just tell her to shut up about it. And its not a situation that just happens to poor people because her mom was a successful nurse and had a lot going for her.

I just wonder why this happens and what the parents thought process is? Do they really not believe their kids or are they just lonely? why do they not want to deal with the situation?

I'm sorry if this isnt the right place to put this, i didnt know where to put it.

Well, there's a big difference between a marriage and someone you're just dating.



If you're married then children, however loved, are guests in your lives. If you do your job as parents, your children grow up, become self sufficient, pack the car, and drive away. That doesn't mean you don't adore them and do everything possible for them. But you and your spouse should be the center of the family. We're in our fifties, and we've seen far too many people who spent their parenting years dancing around their children banging tambourines, only to find themselves married to a complete stranger when the last kid left for college.



At the same time, it's a completely different dynamic if the parent is just dating. Kids above all like stability and structure, whether they admit to it or not. For a kid whose parent is dating, it can be a bewildering thing, especially if the parent goes through a lot of unstable relationships. The parent in that situation should, at all times, be taking the child's welfare into consideration, rather than buffet the kid back and forth in romance after romance.



In fact, there's a school of thought that the parent shouldn't introduce any love interest to a child until it's getting pretty serious. I think this is wise.
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Old 12-04-2018, 07:43 PM
DKM
 
Location: Thousand Oaks, CA
2,151 posts, read 722,153 times
Reputation: 2293
My wife and I put each other before the kids sometimes. That's probably why she's not dating guys isn't it? Most marriages go through this though when they have kids: the wife/mom puts the kids first and the dad resents it. The wife feels that the dad isn't as involved and has outside pursuits so resents him for not putting them first like she does. You could spend a lot of $$ to have a professional explain it...
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Old 12-05-2018, 07:30 AM
 
5,035 posts, read 2,259,113 times
Reputation: 12863
As a single mom, and battling an addiction my thoughts and actions were not balanced. I owe a world of change to that past life ...it's both humiliating to admit or accept. There is zero justification. I was wrong and my family suffered...
One guy thought a gun would end the relationship. Guess he was right. My life was forever changed by his will fullness to aim and nearly kill my being. That action woke me up....got me set on the path to recovery...granted it took a tolerant parent to also guide me to healthy decision making.
Second guy came along...and he was more influential in a positive way with my sons. That was a reprieve. Til I realized he had a sickness that love couldnt cure. He has since married and 20 years later I still regret that I ever put my kids in either man's presence.
So know this..and know it well. Some of us who went down the wrong path...corrected our direction and made it onto a safer life choice for our families. So thank you for the reminder that mistakes do affect others.. luckily 'time' and an overhaul of values and actions have been a grace not taken for granted. Today I have a conscious...
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Old 12-05-2018, 07:49 AM
 
2,348 posts, read 1,287,500 times
Reputation: 4685
Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods View Post
i have a question that i have been thinking about, but nobody to ask. Growing up, my mom put a lot of her relationships before any of us kids. She would date guys and theyd move in, this was a pattern for a long time. Of course some of the guys werent nice at all. There was one situation where one of them messed around with my sister and she was 15 years old. My mom refused to believe it and put all the blame on my sister and the whole situation was horrible. That kind of thing didnt happen again, but my mom basically siding with her boyfriends was always a thing. It was always them over us.

I have seen both online and in real life the exact same thing. Two of my friends say the same thing happened to them, where their parents sided not with them but the person they were with. My friend told me that her stepdad would beat her up and put his hands on her (not like that but in an abusive way) and she would try to tell her mom but her mom would just tell her to shut up about it. And its not a situation that just happens to poor people because her mom was a successful nurse and had a lot going for her.

I just wonder why this happens and what the parents thought process is? Do they really not believe their kids or are they just lonely? why do they not want to deal with the situation?

I'm sorry if this isnt the right place to put this, i didnt know where to put it.
What you are describing is not a parent, at any rate, certainly not a good one.

A lot of posters in this thread just don't get it, I wonder if they actually have kids of their own. A parent's job is to look after their own children and care for their well being. A relationship with another person, EVEN THE FATHER should always be secondary. It really is that simple.

If my wife and I ever had to make a choice as to who would live or die, either one of us or our child, I would sacrifice myself or my wife first, and my wife would do the same. Any "parent" who wouldn't make the same decision shouldn't be a parent, frankly.

I'm sorry for the upbringing you had OP, that's not normal behavior by a parent, and you deserved better.
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Old 12-05-2018, 08:16 AM
 
18,468 posts, read 10,110,847 times
Reputation: 18093
Quote:
Originally Posted by Katana49 View Post
A lot of posters in this thread just don't get it, I wonder if they actually have kids of their own. A parent's job is to look after their own children and care for their well being. A relationship with another person, EVEN THE FATHER should always be secondary. It really is that simple.
A lot of us posters would say that you just don't get it.

But when the kids are out of the house and it's just you and your spouse, you'll either be glad you maintained that relationship or sad that you didn't.

And even adult children are devastated when their older parents divorce because they gave up their own relationship for the kids.

Last edited by Ralph_Kirk; 12-05-2018 at 08:42 AM..
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Old 12-05-2018, 08:31 AM
 
Location: colorado springs, CO
4,159 posts, read 1,868,110 times
Reputation: 14422
If your mom put you second; where did your dad put you?

My parents got it right; they put each other second & my sister & I third.
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Old 12-05-2018, 09:03 AM
46H
 
868 posts, read 493,174 times
Reputation: 1638
Quote:
Originally Posted by MinivanDriver View Post
Well, there's a big difference between a marriage and someone you're just dating.

At the same time, it's a completely different dynamic if the parent is just dating. Kids above all like stability and structure, whether they admit to it or not. For a kid whose parent is dating, it can be a bewildering thing, especially if the parent goes through a lot of unstable relationships. The parent in that situation should, at all times, be taking the child's welfare into consideration, rather than buffet the kid back and forth in romance after romance.

In fact, there's a school of thought that the parent shouldn't introduce any love interest to a child until it's getting pretty serious. I think this is wise.

When I got divorced and started dating, my 5 year old son did not meet any women I was dating. He always came first no matter what. It caused a number of women to stop seeing me due to their desire to meet my son or thinking they should come before my son or me cancelling dates due to timing issues with my ex. In fact, the women I eventually married did not meet my son until we had been dating for about 1.5 years. She understood my reasoning. We are still happily married, now at 15 years.

My son did not need to get attached and then break up with the women I was dating. His happiness and stability in light of the divorce was the most important thing to me.
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Old 12-06-2018, 12:55 AM
 
Location: North Carolina
1,192 posts, read 632,678 times
Reputation: 1576
I think maybe i put my question wrong? I didn't mean both parents. I meant when one parent is dating a new person (their bf or gf) or if one of them is a stepparent and they side with them over their kids. Thats what i was asking I have seen a lot of this.
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Old 12-06-2018, 06:49 AM
 
18,468 posts, read 10,110,847 times
Reputation: 18093
Quote:
Originally Posted by belle woods View Post
I think maybe i put my question wrong? I didn't mean both parents. I meant when one parent is dating a new person (their bf or gf) or if one of them is a stepparent and they side with them over their kids. Thats what i was asking I have seen a lot of this.
As has been mentioned before, marriage changes the picture.

Yes, the step-parent should take priority over the children.

I was a single parent when I re-married. My wife took priority over everyone else. I still love my son mightily, but my wife took priority.

Today my son is 40 years old with a wife and three kids of his own.

My wife of now 35 years is still my priority.
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