Why do some parents pick their partner over their kids? (stepdad, teenagers)

[belle woods]

i have a question that i have been thinking about, but nobody to ask. Growing up, my mom put a lot of her relationships before any of us kids. She would date guys and theyd move in, this was a pattern for a long time. Of course some of the guys werent nice at all. There was one situation where one of them messed around with my sister and she was 15 years old. My mom refused to believe it and put all the blame on my sister and the whole situation was horrible. That kind of thing didnt happen again, but my mom basically siding with her boyfriends was always a thing. It was always them over us.

I have seen both online and in real life the exact same thing. Two of my friends say the same thing happened to them, where their parents sided not with them but the person they were with. My friend told me that her stepdad would beat her up and put his hands on her (not like that but in an abusive way) and she would try to tell her mom but her mom would just tell her to shut up about it. And its not a situation that just happens to poor people because her mom was a successful nurse and had a lot going for her.

I just wonder why this happens and what the parents thought process is? Do they really not believe their kids or are they just lonely? why do they not want to deal with the situation?

I'm sorry if this isnt the right place to put this, i didnt know where to put it.

[reebo]

Because some women want to be with a man, any man, rather than being alone. They think they will never find someone else who’s willing to be with them. Some people should lose their parent card.

I’m a big fan of putting your dating life on hold, and certainly don’t move your current boyfriend into your house, until your kids are out of the house. It’s got to be so unsettling to have strangers cycling through what should be your refuge from the outside world.

I’m sorry for your sister’s abuse. What’s your relationship with your mother like now?

[GeoffD]

I think it’s likely your mother’s flawed decision making. When you make decisions and rationalize things based on immediate self gratification, things often go wrong. She put her wants and desires above her responsibility to her children.

[saltwater_gypsy]

I think a lot of times these women are so desperate for a relationship, they will put up with about anything. It's easier to believe that your a good parent if you call the child a liar. If the mother accepted what the child said about the boyfriend, then the mother would have to accept that she made a bad call and brought this abusive person into the home and did not protect her children.

[ThisTown123]

Originally Posted by belle woods

i have a question that i have been thinking about, but nobody to ask. Growing up, my mom put a lot of her relationships before any of us kids. She would date guys and theyd move in, this was a pattern for a long time. Of course some of the guys werent nice at all. There was one situation where one of them messed around with my sister and she was 15 years old. My mom refused to believe it and put all the blame on my sister and the whole situation was horrible. That kind of thing didnt happen again, but my mom basically siding with her boyfriends was always a thing. It was always them over us.

I have seen both online and in real life the exact same thing. Two of my friends say the same thing happened to them, where their parents sided not with them but the person they were with. My friend told me that her stepdad would beat her up and put his hands on her (not like that but in an abusive way) and she would try to tell her mom but her mom would just tell her to shut up about it. And its not a situation that just happens to poor people because her mom was a successful nurse and had a lot going for her.

I just wonder why this happens and what the parents thought process is? Do they really not believe their kids or are they just lonely? why do they not want to deal with the situation?

I'm sorry if this isnt the right place to put this, i didnt know where to put it.

Yeah, I'd hear situations when a divorce couple starts to date, if one of them gets a "new girlfriend/boyfriend", they start to neglect their alternating weekends to pick up the kids to spend time with them. There'd be a situation where the new girlfriend or boyfriend would not like kids, so the ex would accommodate their new lover.

[SWFL_Native]

I’d pick my wife over our kids but we have a completely different scenario that yours. Our kids are babies so they aren’t going anywhere for ~20 years.

[DontH8Me]

Originally Posted by reebo

Because some women want to be with a man, any man, rather than being alone. They think they will never find someone else who’s willing to be with them. Some people should lose their parent card.

I’m a big fan of putting your dating life on hold, and certainly don’t move your current boyfriend into your house, until your kids are out of the house. It’s got to be so unsettling to have strangers cycling through what should be your refuge from the outside world.

I’m sorry for your sister’s abuse. What’s your relationship with your mother like now?

And the same can be said for the other side-some men want to be with a woman, any woman, rather than being alone. Including men who are fathers.

If you are a big fan of putting one's dating life on hold until the kids are out of the house, does the other parent have to do the same? By other parent, I mean the one who is also a parent but has the child or children less frequently.

In no way am I supporting the 'cycling of strangers' in a child's home, but the parent can show some better judgment in who they are dating, and who they prioritize.

[usayit]

Originally Posted by SWFL_Native

I’d pick my wife over our kids but we have a completely different scenario that yours. Our kids are babies so they aren’t going anywhere for ~20 years.

Yes... We learned the hard way.

We made the mistake of not taking care of ourselves as a couple while struggling with children. Ultimately it contributed to our current state of separation. Even today, my wife (ex wife?) continues on the same path and hasn't really acknowledged the issue.

Every situation is different and difficult... However I know a few single mothers and being miserable alone without any seemingly way out makes your children feel more like a burden than a joy..

[Ralph_Kirk]

There was a movie with Bette Midler a few years ago. I never saw the movie, but I remember a line from the trailer.

There had been an argument between a father and his adult daughter. Bette Midler, the mother, had sided with her husband in the dispute.

The daughter said, exasperated, "Why do you always side with Dad?"

Better Midler replied, "Because when you leave, he's the one who stays."

Ideally, nobody should come between wife and husband. Not parents and not even children.

There are lots of broken relationships today and lots of people in crippled relationships, but if a man and a woman are planning to be husband and wife, one thing they need to get straight up front is that nobody will come between them. They must both be willing to tell their respective parents to butt out, and they must be willing not to complain to their parents about minor issues between them. (Clearly, I'm not talking about marriage-extinction events, however.)

And that includes any children they might already have.

A single mother who tells a man, "My children must always come first" isn't ready for a relationship with a man. She just isn't.

She might find a man who is willing to be "Number Two" (at least for a while), but she shouldn't expect a man to accept that provision, she shouldn't be surprised if he'd rather find a woman with whom he can be "Number One Person," and he's not wrong for wanting to be a woman's "Number One Person"--because women certainly expect him to make them the "Number One Person."

What's going to happen more often is that after she's made clear "you're number two," the man has actually assigned her to some subordinate level behind some other interest as well.

[Sonic_Spork]

I was thinking, there should optimally be a balance, and of course healthy behavior and not abuse. You see both sides of imbalance here.

It's important in a healthy family dynamic that the core couple, the parents or parent-figures, do maintain and prioritize their love relationship. Because that relationship is the foundation of the family itself. There are a lot of ways that this can go wrong, and the way it went wrong in my former marriage and probably in many families, was:

I began to see during my pregnancy and birth experiences that my ex, while "proud" of the basic fact that I was "giving him" children, and while he wanted kids, he wasn't interested in being involved. He expected me to continue in a support role to him, being all about his stresses and problems. He did not want to shoulder additional responsibilities or help me with any work at home, he did not want to go to any appointments with me or talk about my experiences with being pregnant. He did not have any compassion for me during the births. (Spent the whole time complaining about how tired he was from work, would not let my Mom stay to offer support because he didn't like her, slept through most of it the first time...) He just was not very engaged or supportive or involved as a parent.

Once the kids had arrived, he became resentful of the time and attention I gave to them. He expected not to be inconvenienced in any way by their existence. He became angry if they woke him up, and angry if I lacked the adequate energy to give him frequent affection, time, attention, and sex (once I was past the doctor-ordered recovery time post-birth.) He wanted the idea of being a father, but none of the reality of it.

I felt resentful and overburdened, so I chose my children over him, because instead of having a partner, it felt set up to where he was competition for my resources, and my children needed them more. I went into "Perfect Mother" mode and became contemptuous of him and his needs. Only later as the boys got older and he began to get more dramatic and demanding, did I begin to divert my time and attention to him...and in fact went too far in that direction, because either he was mistreating the boys, or I was drawing him away and focusing all of my attention on keeping him away from them, and neglecting the kids. I'd say that started by about the time they were 10-ish, able to get basic food and drink for themselves and entertain themselves.

Not healthy. No balance. And while the particulars might not always align, I'd bet that the basic facts of the case would resonate with many mothers. Yes, you do have to continue to engage in your relationship and keep it loving and strong, as parents...but it can be hard to do if the pressures of parenting are all on one person.

I think in a healthy family, no parent should actually have to think about questions like whether their partner or their child/ren come first, or are loved more. Neither. Both.

Now as for when I was dating... My sons were teenagers by that time, and I had a rule that I did not have them even meet anyone I dated unless I was pretty sure that the relationship was healthy and solid and would last a while (not necessarily FOREVER but at least months or years.) I don't subject them to inappropriate behavior or uncomfortable TMI, I don't treat them like they are invisible when my partner is around, and while I prioritize their needs first, there is no need for me to abandon my boyfriend or neglect him to do so. The fact that, even though he is not very involved with my sons in a direct way, he is VERY supportive to me, makes all the difference in the world. He gives me energy, he does not drain my energy. I never feel like there is any sense of competition between my relationship with my boyfriend, and my role as mother to my sons.