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Old 12-05-2018, 09:58 AM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
52,177 posts, read 51,323,003 times
Reputation: 61283

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Quote:
Originally Posted by joee5 View Post
Was his father always this way or did he become a "selfish jerk" after parenthood?
Also, why did OP decide to choose him as being the father of her child??
It's not always as cut and dried and predictable as people want it to be. Real life is not a TV script. I was married and we discussed and planned my pregnancy, yet I can pinpoint the deterioration of my marriage to THE DAY I found out I was pregnant. My ex had an abusive drunk-ass father whom he found dead at the age of 14, and somehow becoming a father set off something dark in him. He disappeared for three days until his pals at the bar told him he was being a jerk and sent him home. He loved our daughter in some way, but he slowly turned into his father until I had to have him carted out by the cops.

Ironically, that gave her a dad. Once he went through a drug/alkie program so he could have unsupervised visitation, he paid more attention to her than he had in the first eight years of his life. He attended her school events, softball games, and teacher conferences, things he never did while we were married.

We never had scheduled visitation. We decided to put it in the divorce papers that it would be "as agreed to by both parties." He continually found excuses why he couldn't pay child support, but that was not a surprise, and while getting support would have kept me out of debt, I chose to let it go unless I really needed the money, like for her braces. Taking him to court and fighting for the support would have made him really nasty and perhaps impacted his relationship with our daughter. Just getting rid of him was a financial improvement because I no longer had to pay bookies or bar tabs or drug dealers, and I was happy that she could finally have a dad who wasn't an embarrassment.

No one goes into a marriage or parenting knowing how it's going to turn out. We hope it will go well and sometimes we lie to ourselves, too. In retrospect, I might have seen how damaged he was by his childhood, but my parents didn't drink and I was not familiar with alcoholism and the effect it has on families. I just figured he would do whatever he could to be the opposite of his father. Now I know all too well that's not how it works.
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Old 12-05-2018, 10:55 AM
 
545 posts, read 429,138 times
Reputation: 559
I’m going to get judgey here but only to offer a different perspective because I’m sensing a bit of a victim mentality. 2 children, 2 different fathers, didn’t marry the second, not sure about the first. Didn’t live with either for very long after the babies were born. Maybe look at your choices and take responsibility for at least some of this situation.
Your second baby daddy has a lot on his plate with a difficult stepson and a long drive to your house. So you think he should uproot his family and move closer to you so he can take his son to practices!?. Sheesh.
I call bs on not knowing when the games are scheduled. Ask anyone who was on the team last year or the coach or join a league that doesn’t have games on Saturday for religious reasons if available. Maybe next season sign him up for a league near his father and you pick him up and take him to his games. Or tell him your signing up for a summer intensive on the sport.
Put on some big girl pants and figure out a work around, you are not going to change him.
The fact that you refer to yourself as a spectacular parent is atypical and telling.
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Old 12-05-2018, 01:15 PM
 
Location: Coastal New Jersey
52,177 posts, read 51,323,003 times
Reputation: 61283
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodyum View Post
Iím going to get judgey here but only to offer a different perspective because Iím sensing a bit of a victim mentality. 2 children, 2 different fathers, didnít marry the second, not sure about the first. Didnít live with either for very long after the babies were born. Maybe look at your choices and take responsibility for at least some of this situation.
Your second baby daddy has a lot on his plate with a difficult stepson and a long drive to your house. So you think he should uproot his family and move closer to you so he can take his son to practices!?. Sheesh.
I call bs on not knowing when the games are scheduled. Ask anyone who was on the team last year or the coach or join a league that doesnít have games on Saturday for religious reasons if available. Maybe next season sign him up for a league near his father and you pick him up and take him to his games. Or tell him your signing up for a summer intensive on the sport.
Put on some big girl pants and figure out a work around, you are not going to change him.
The fact that you refer to yourself as a spectacular parent is atypical and telling.
The bolded is what has to be accepted. Figure out how to deal with the "as is".
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:43 PM
 
6,982 posts, read 3,829,241 times
Reputation: 4662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mightyqueen801 View Post
It's not always as cut and dried and predictable as people want it to be. Real life is not a TV script. I was married and we discussed and planned my pregnancy, yet I can pinpoint the deterioration of my marriage to THE DAY I found out I was pregnant. My ex had an abusive drunk-ass father whom he found dead at the age of 14, and somehow becoming a father set off something dark in him. He disappeared for three days until his pals at the bar told him he was being a jerk and sent him home. He loved our daughter in some way, but he slowly turned into his father until I had to have him carted out by the cops.

Ironically, that gave her a dad. Once he went through a drug/alkie program so he could have unsupervised visitation, he paid more attention to her than he had in the first eight years of his life. He attended her school events, softball games, and teacher conferences, things he never did while we were married.

We never had scheduled visitation. We decided to put it in the divorce papers that it would be "as agreed to by both parties." He continually found excuses why he couldn't pay child support, but that was not a surprise, and while getting support would have kept me out of debt, I chose to let it go unless I really needed the money, like for her braces. Taking him to court and fighting for the support would have made him really nasty and perhaps impacted his relationship with our daughter. Just getting rid of him was a financial improvement because I no longer had to pay bookies or bar tabs or drug dealers, and I was happy that she could finally have a dad who wasn't an embarrassment.

No one goes into a marriage or parenting knowing how it's going to turn out. We hope it will go well and sometimes we lie to ourselves, too. In retrospect, I might have seen how damaged he was by his childhood, but my parents didn't drink and I was not familiar with alcoholism and the effect it has on families. I just figured he would do whatever he could to be the opposite of his father. Now I know all too well that's not how it works.
Exactly. Mother was a drug addict, which I learned many years into the relationship, the time he called her was the day son was born, which was not a successful conversation. Add in that he was diagnosed as bipolar about the same time when he went on a manic bender... yeah fun times.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:45 PM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
3,769 posts, read 1,267,893 times
Reputation: 6838
Quote:
Originally Posted by Steve McDonald View Post
How wonderful that both parents are thinking of the best interests of their children, after divorce. And that they aren't using them to take spiteful measures against each other. It's a blessing for a young person, when parents encourage and facilitate their interests and activities in sports and other things. As one who received no encouragement or help from my parents in anything, but resistance or a complete ban, instead, I'm especially aware of how important this is.
They divorced when J was 5 going on 6 and P was 3 going on 4, sometime in 2006. The last time I saw them together as husband and wife was Christmas 2005. I never got the exact details ('cause my brother doesn't like to talk about such things), only that she left him for a guy she met at the firehouse where she was an EMT (she is now a Clinical Leader PACU RN, according to her Facebook profile), and she's been married to him since 2008. My mother says she told my brother that, no matter what, those kids come FIRST, above and beyond the marital issues, so put all the squabbling aside, what's done is done, and concentrate on being good co-parents. They have, and it's worked out beautifully for all involved. They've both been fully supportive of whatever my nephews have wanted to do, whether Scouting, music, or sports.
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Old 12-05-2018, 02:49 PM
 
6,982 posts, read 3,829,241 times
Reputation: 4662
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodyum View Post
Iím going to get judgey here but only to offer a different perspective because Iím sensing a bit of a victim mentality. 2 children, 2 different fathers, didnít marry the second, not sure about the first. Didnít live with either for very long after the babies were born. Maybe look at your choices and take responsibility for at least some of this situation.
Your second baby daddy has a lot on his plate with a difficult stepson and a long drive to your house. So you think he should uproot his family and move closer to you so he can take his son to practices!?. Sheesh.
I call bs on not knowing when the games are scheduled. Ask anyone who was on the team last year or the coach or join a league that doesnít have games on Saturday for religious reasons if available. Maybe next season sign him up for a league near his father and you pick him up and take him to his games. Or tell him your signing up for a summer intensive on the sport.
Put on some big girl pants and figure out a work around, you are not going to change him.
The fact that you refer to yourself as a spectacular parent is atypical and telling.
I did that for baseball. He has son 4 overnights a month. I have the rest of the time. I signed him up close to his fathers work to attempt to encourage him to be involved. Put him on the email list to get everything from the coaches. He went to one or two practices and two games the entire season. Son and I spent a lot of time driving every single evening.

The sport he does now has to be done at a specific sports complex. It happens to only be 20 minutes from me. It is not nearly the commitment of baseball practice and games.

Frankly he lived in my area when we chose to have son. No one told him to move so far away from his child. I have lived in the same five mile radius my entire life.
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Old 12-05-2018, 03:07 PM
Status: "I am Santa Claus." (set 7 days ago)
 
Location: Posting from my space yacht.
6,992 posts, read 2,657,201 times
Reputation: 13009
Instead of staying with his father every other weekend, maybe he can stay with his father every Sunday. If that won't work get creative and find a similar arrangement that will work. And don't sign your son up for any more activities that fall in his father's time with him.
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Old 12-05-2018, 07:18 PM
 
3,401 posts, read 2,418,454 times
Reputation: 5907
My ex was a jerk when we were married and was worse after I divorced him. He never took the kids to school or activities and never watched their events. It was all me and after the divorce, I'd have to drive over to his house to pick them up and take them wherever they needed to be and then take them back to his house. He refused.

No reason to waste a minute trying to force people like this to change, they won't. Your kids will just suffer more. I love my kids and wanted the best for them, in spite of their father. I did what I had to do to keep their life as normal as possible. I never talked bad about him to them, but just tried to keep their expectations low.

Now they're in their 30's and doing great. My ex is still a jerk. Now he gets minimum treatment from them.
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Old 12-05-2018, 07:59 PM
 
6,982 posts, read 3,829,241 times
Reputation: 4662
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pogue Mahone View Post
Instead of staying with his father every other weekend, maybe he can stay with his father every Sunday. If that won't work get creative and find a similar arrangement that will work. And don't sign your son up for any more activities that fall in his father's time with him.
For a while the father only got him 2 hours every Wednesday night. My son would love to go back to that schedule but his father refuses.

It would be impossible to sign son up for sports that only fall on my time. They have no organizations that are on an every other weekend schedule. It is not fair to the child to never be able to play sports.
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Old 12-05-2018, 08:00 PM
 
6,982 posts, read 3,829,241 times
Reputation: 4662
Quote:
Originally Posted by KaraG View Post
My ex was a jerk when we were married and was worse after I divorced him. He never took the kids to school or activities and never watched their events. It was all me and after the divorce, I'd have to drive over to his house to pick them up and take them wherever they needed to be and then take them back to his house. He refused.

No reason to waste a minute trying to force people like this to change, they won't. Your kids will just suffer more. I love my kids and wanted the best for them, in spite of their father. I did what I had to do to keep their life as normal as possible. I never talked bad about him to them, but just tried to keep their expectations low.

Now they're in their 30's and doing great. My ex is still a jerk. Now he gets minimum treatment from them.
I fully expect son to stop having any type of relationship by the teen years.
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