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Old 12-21-2018, 12:32 PM
 
10 posts, read 1,714 times
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I am new here am I am at a loss.


I have a son who is 15 years old. I was married to his biological father when he was a baby, and left when he was a baby. He got into heavy drugs, stole from me, and the whole situation was just a mess. He had a few supervised visits until he was about 2 years old, but then moved away. He is supposed to pay child support and hasn't ever paid a dime. He is the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions etc.


He has now messaged me after all this time demanding to see our son at Christmas and saying he is moving back to town. I am upset and freaked out and so worried. I am also worried he will find him on social media and message him. Since that time, I was with someone else for over 10 years. He considers this person his dad. We broke up last year but he still considers this person his dad.


I am so worried this will destroy my son and put him on a bad path in life. My ex has told me many times when he was young that he couldn't wait till he was grown so he could make him hate me, tell him I kept him away etc. In his email to me, he didn't even ask how my son was, or ask how I thought it would affect him to see him after all this time. To me this speaks volumes. Also didn't apologize for anything or offer to start paying child support. All about himself and what he wants.


Does anyone have any advice about this. I am having such anxiety I can barely function. I did tell my boy when he was younger he did have another bio dad out there, but I am not even sure he remembers, it hasn't come up.
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Old 12-21-2018, 01:18 PM
 
Location: Central Florida
3,202 posts, read 1,639,415 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyssa2019 View Post
I am new here am I am at a loss.


I have a son who is 15 years old. I was married to his biological father when he was a baby, and left when he was a baby. He got into heavy drugs, stole from me, and the whole situation was just a mess. He had a few supervised visits until he was about 2 years old, but then moved away. He is supposed to pay child support and hasn't ever paid a dime. He is the type of person who takes no responsibility for his actions etc.


He has now messaged me after all this time demanding to see our son at Christmas and saying he is moving back to town. I am upset and freaked out and so worried. I am also worried he will find him on social media and message him. Since that time, I was with someone else for over 10 years. He considers this person his dad. We broke up last year but he still considers this person his dad.


I am so worried this will destroy my son and put him on a bad path in life. My ex has told me many times when he was young that he couldn't wait till he was grown so he could make him hate me, tell him I kept him away etc. In his email to me, he didn't even ask how my son was, or ask how I thought it would affect him to see him after all this time. To me this speaks volumes. Also didn't apologize for anything or offer to start paying child support. All about himself and what he wants.


Does anyone have any advice about this. I am having such anxiety I can barely function. I did tell my boy when he was younger he did have another bio dad out there, but I am not even sure he remembers, it hasn't come up.
Threaten him with jail time if he contacts your son. Not paying child support can really add up. He probably owes 10's of thousands of dollars in back child support. Even if you don't have documentation the threat may be enough to scare him off. In any event, move forward with trying to get your owed money.
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Old 12-21-2018, 01:45 PM
 
10 posts, read 1,714 times
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Originally Posted by budlight View Post
Threaten him with jail time if he contacts your son. Not paying child support can really add up. He probably owes 10's of thousands of dollars in back child support. Even if you don't have documentation the threat may be enough to scare him off. In any event, move forward with trying to get your owed money.

He owes over 150,000. He doesn't care though, thinks he is above the law, always has. I haven't pursued it because he is such a martyr and if they did take his money I don't want to hear about it.
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Old 12-21-2018, 02:53 PM
 
554 posts, read 434,272 times
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I would have a serious conversation with your son about his bio dad ASAP. He is old enough to decide to meet with him if he is curious. Tell him that his dad might get in touch with him and want to meet him and let him think it over before it happens.
Tell him why you think his dad is not good guy but stick to the facts and don't editorialize. I would certainly bring up his drug use because things like addiction and mental illness can be hereditary and its best if you son knows the warning signs for his own health.

Tell him he was only allowed to see him with supervised visits because the court felt it was not safe and you don't know what he's about today.

Think about if you want to go after him for any of the child support. It could certainly help with college tuition.

Also, I don't understand why you think your son will all of a sudden turn "bad" because he meets his bio dad. Can you explain your fears a little more?

If you think he is dangerous you can try to get a restraining order or continued supervised visits. Maybe he's in recovery or has changed in the last decade.
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Old 12-21-2018, 03:09 PM
 
5,159 posts, read 4,959,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by foodyum View Post
I would have a serious conversation with your son about his bio dad ASAP. He is old enough to decide to meet with him if he is curious. Tell him that his dad might get in touch with him and want to meet him and let him think it over before it happens.
Tell him why you think his dad is not good guy but stick to the facts and don't editorialize. I would certainly bring up his drug use because things like addiction and mental illness can be hereditary and its best if you son knows the warning signs for his own health.

Tell him he was only allowed to see him with supervised visits because the court felt it was not safe and you don't know what he's about today.

Think about if you want to go after him for any of the child support. It could certainly help with college tuition.

Also, I don't understand why you think your son will all of a sudden turn "bad" because he meets his bio dad. Can you explain your fears a little more?

If you think he is dangerous you can try to get a restraining order or continued supervised visits. Maybe he's in recovery or has changed in the last decade.
All that.

I do agree w/OP that it speaks volumes that the guy didn't start and have this conversation in a more appropriate way. The OP is concerned that her son will turn bad because the kid may want to be more like his bio dad and learn from him, etc. I would not like it either and would absolutely be concerned too. The kid is a teen and most teens have arguments with their parents and feel things are unfair when parents are simply trying to protect them, etc. This may give the kid another option if he has an argument with his mother. He may just say, fine...I'm going to go live with "Dad" or whatever he'd call him. Then the bio father may try to make good on his threat to get the kid to hate his Mother and then imitate his father's behavior. Pretty clear what the risk is.

As advised, I would talk to the kid about everything. To the bio father, I would bring up the fact that he hasn't paid any child support and you had to do it all yourself, etc.

I feel bad the OP has to go through this. There is no good way out.

Best of luck OP.
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Old 12-21-2018, 03:55 PM
 
6,098 posts, read 2,789,307 times
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I would contact an attorney.

If you cant afford that, I would go to the local police and determine if the court order for supervised visitation was still valid and also discuss with them what is needed to enforce that and/or pursue a restraining order barring bio dad from contacting your son.

Are you on civil terms with the ex your son considers his Dad? If so, discuss options/strategies with him. If not, and you believe he has the best interests of your son at heart, I would contact him, call a truce and see if you can team up for sons best interests.

Finally, your son has to be told/reminded of the truth re his bio dad so he's not caught off guard if bio dad manages to make contact. Facts, not emotion. Your son is old enough or soon will be to see for himself his fathers shortcomings.

If he takes its badly, or you feel its necessary, seek counseling for him or family counseling for the 2 of you.

Consider going after bio dad for child support.
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Old 12-21-2018, 04:01 PM
 
10 posts, read 1,714 times
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I mentioned to the bio dad he hasn't paid any support, he ignores that and always has. Just ignores it and says what he wants. It just doesn't matter to him. He is completely clueless and self absorbed.


And yes that is my concern, I have rules, sometimes he doesn't like them. The bio dad will show up with presents and no rules and act like the good guy. And to a kid, this will look awfully fun. Whereas I have done all the work, this guy wants to show up and now get all the credit and take over. My son is a good kid, but obviously this is going to upset him a great deal. He may not want to see him, but he might just out of curiosity, and then it goes downhill from there. I do not trust this person as far as I can throw him. He has a justification and excuse for everything, and to him it is all my fault. He is manipulative, but will still seen like a "good time" to an impressionable 15 year old.


If he would have shown any type of self awareness and asked about the kid, asked what I thought, acknowledged he had done nothing and owes a ton of money, I would feel differently. Oh and he messaged me again and asked for some recent pictures, because the recent pictures are out of date...well no kidding they are out of date, you are a dead beat dad who hasn't been around in over a decade. It is just mind boggling to me.


And to want to see him at Christmas just adds to the insanity of it all.
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Old 12-21-2018, 04:05 PM
 
10 posts, read 1,714 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondy View Post
I would contact an attorney.

If you cant afford that, I would go to the local police and determine if the court order for supervised visitation was still valid and also discuss with them what is needed to enforce that and/or pursue a restraining order barring bio dad from contacting your son.

Are you on civil terms with the ex your son considers his Dad? If so, discuss options/strategies with him. If not, and you believe he has the best interests of your son at heart, I would contact him, call a truce and see if you can team up for sons best interests.

Finally, your son has to be told/reminded of the truth re his bio dad so he's not caught off guard if bio dad manages to make contact. Facts, not emotion. Your son is old enough or soon will be to see for himself his fathers shortcomings.

If he takes its badly, or you feel its necessary, seek counseling for him or family counseling for the 2 of you.

Consider going after bio dad for child support.

oh yes totally civil with the person he considers his dad, we just decided we wanted different things in life but nothing bad happened between us, and I feel he is a good person. He talks to my son and sees him etc. And he pays some child support as well.
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Old 12-21-2018, 04:06 PM
 
6,084 posts, read 3,438,342 times
Reputation: 14000
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyssa2019 View Post
He owes over 150,000. He doesn't care though, thinks he is above the law, always has. I haven't pursued it because he is such a martyr and if they did take his money I don't want to hear about it.

The support money would be for your son, so you owe it to HIM to try to get it. In reality though, the ex most likely couldn't pay. By trying to get it though, you might scare him away.
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Old 12-21-2018, 04:11 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,449 posts, read 1,218,723 times
Reputation: 7567
Ditto on contacting an attorney. If you can't afford it, seek out "legal aid" through your city or county - it's free for people who can't pay for an attorney.

Try not to focus on your fears - you have done a good job and just continue your life without caving into fear about what "could" happen.
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