Turning off parenting mode

[txtqueen]

So this is the second Christmas since my mom has moved in with my grandmother and being in such close quarters during the holidays has shown me just how much she still treats me like she did all those years ago.

Limiting my time over the last 5 years has limited the opportunities for her to act like she used to and now the opportunities are abundant since I’m over at my grandmothers almost everyday for varying amounts of time.

She still speaks to me and treats me like a child, the worst way you could speak to a child but a child nonetheless.

For example Christmas Day my boyfriend and I got to my grandmothers and my mom is in the kitchen doing some last minute things and after I set my stuff down and got situated said hi to everyone she asked me to set the table, which I did, no issue but as I was putting the place mats out I was replying to a text and she just starts screeching out of nowhere “WHO TF ARE TOU TEXTING?!” “WHAT IS SO G-D IMPORTANT YOURE DOING THAT WHILE YOU SET THE TABLE?!” “PUT THAT FVVKING THING AWAY.” Like I jumped, she didn’t even seem in a bad mood when I walked in. Mind you my brothers girlfriends children’s are in the next rooms while my mother is acting like this.

This is just one of many. I could continue to list them all but I’m sure I could find someone who would rather I didn’t.
It’s like the switch hasn’t flipped yet for her, you know?
That’s not how you talk to a 29 year old. Especially a 29 year old whos name is on the cell phone contract and who’s SO takes care of financial part. I’m an adult. She has no place telling me what do like that anymore.


I know you all tell me to just have nothing to do with her but it’s not like she’s moving out anytime soon and I have to figure something out because both my grandmother and I are at our wits end with her attitude.
She’s 54 going on 14.

[Kibbiekat]

It's hard to create boundaries when your lives are so intertwined.

[txtqueen]

Originally Posted by Kibbiekat

It's hard to create boundaries when your lives are so intertwined.

Isn’t that all part of interpersonal relationships? Creating boundaries?
Like my grandmother needs help establishing boundaries in her house.

She never has anyone to ask for help because my mom is always asleep during the day and my mom frequently texts me and asks me to do things because she doesn’t want to.

It was 8pm today before I ate and I’m dealing with an injured cat and my own life and my mom pawned off breakfast on me even though I had things to do and they didn’t get taken care of till this evening.

And to top it off I think I’m getting sick now too.
From the lack of sleep, lack of eating.
Most days I’m now being forced to leave the house before I’m ready to go get my grandmother something because my mom refuses to pick something up and she’ll order $100’s in groceries and then won’t cook.
My mom has been passing everything off on me, even gift wrapping and most nights I didn’t get a lot of sleep because I was forced to stay up all night just to get my stuff done.

I’m running myself into the ground.

My grandmother and I are both really angry with her.

[Kibbiekat]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

Isn’t that all part of interpersonal relationships? Creating boundaries?
Like my grandmother needs help establishing boundaries in her house.

She never has anyone to ask for help because my mom is always asleep during the day and my mom frequently texts me and asks me to do things because she doesn’t want to.

It was 8pm today before I ate and I’m dealing with an injured cat and my own life and my mom pawned off breakfast on me even though I had things to do and they didn’t get taken care of till this evening.

And to top it off I think I’m getting sick now too.
From the lack of sleep, lack of eating.
Most days I’m now being forced to leave the house before I’m ready to go get my grandmother something because my mom refuses to pick something up and she’ll order $100’s in groceries and then won’t cook.
My mom has been passing everything off on me, even gift wrapping and most nights I didn’t get a lot of sleep because I was forced to stay up all night just to get my stuff done.

I’m running myself into the ground.

My grandmother and I are both really angry with her.

After all these years, you really don't know what I meant? You put yourself in this situation when you moved out there and into a house that wasn't yours. You kept yourself in this situation when you went for so long without working. Your life choices have made you dependent on your grand mother. Your mom's life choices have made her dependent on your grand mother. Had you done something to better your life years ago, you would not be forced to live there, so close to your mom. We've been telling you this for literally about 10 years. You are no closer to being an independent adult now than you were back then.

[BirdieBelle]

Based on your posts, your mom is obviously an unhappy person and feels stressed about her situation. That is going to overflow into ALL her relationships.

A person like that isn't going to suddenly become enlightened to the emotionally healthy way to deal with family members.

[somebodynew]

There is no switch. For me anyway, I treat my kids like people. Screeching? No. No offense. Your Mom sounds unhinged.

[DubbleT]

Originally Posted by somebodynew

There is no switch. For me anyway, I treat my kids like people. Screeching? No. No offense. Your Mom sounds unhinged.

Ditto.
But... while I don't agree with your mom's approach I entirely understand her confronting you over the texting incident. It's ten kinds of annoying when one of my kids plays on their phone when they're vising with me, and I have been known to ask them to please put it away for the few hours we visit. If they pulled that kind of stuff on Christmas day I'd be irate too. It's not about the fact that it's your phone that you pay for, it's the fact that you were being disrespectful. You wouldn't rudely pull your phone out and text people while you were a guest at someone else's dinner would you?

[AnotherTouchOfWhimsy]

Your family sounds dysfunctional in many ways. From the lack of independence for adults to the way you all speak to each other.

But aside from that, many adult children and their parents fall into old patterns when they are together. While my family has its share of dysfunction, I have to say that we don't have that particular problem. My siblings and I do not bicker like we did as kids, and my parents don't try to control things. But I see that in some of my friends' families... sisters will still fight and argue as adults, parents will still try to micromanage their middle-aged children's lives, etc.

Why are you at your grandmother's house every day? Does she need help with daily tasks, like getting her own meals? And your mom is not helping her with these tasks for whatever reason? Unfortunately, it sounds like Grandma is enabling your mom to be a bum and I don't think you're going to be able to solve that problem for her. It sucks, but maybe you need to let Grandma know that you can't come by to help her if your mom is treating you that way. If she is also sick of it, maybe she needs some third-party advice on how to get her grown daughter out of her home and living independently.

[Kibbiekat]

To be clear, I'm not saying your mom is right. She's not. But you can't change her, you can only distance yourself. You can't do that.

If your "job" is to take care of your grandma, there should be a schedule. You should go over at the same time every day and get her what she needs. Maybe your mom is the one who gets her breakfast, and you go over later to do dishes or laundry and get her lunch, or whatever. If there's an emergency, of course all that changes, but I don't understand why you are being called to come over at the last minute all the time.

[newtovenice]

Originally Posted by txtqueen

So this is the second Christmas since my mom has moved in with my grandmother and being in such close quarters during the holidays has shown me just how much she still treats me like she did all those years ago.

Limiting my time over the last 5 years has limited the opportunities for her to act like she used to and now the opportunities are abundant since I’m over at my grandmothers almost everyday for varying amounts of time.

She still speaks to me and treats me like a child, the worst way you could speak to a child but a child nonetheless.

For example Christmas Day my boyfriend and I got to my grandmothers and my mom is in the kitchen doing some last minute things and after I set my stuff down and got situated said hi to everyone she asked me to set the table, which I did, no issue but as I was putting the place mats out I was replying to a text and she just starts screeching out of nowhere “WHO TF ARE TOU TEXTING?!” “WHAT IS SO G-D IMPORTANT YOURE DOING THAT WHILE YOU SET THE TABLE?!” “PUT THAT FVVKING THING AWAY.” Like I jumped, she didn’t even seem in a bad mood when I walked in. Mind you my brothers girlfriends children’s are in the next rooms while my mother is acting like this.

This is just one of many. I could continue to list them all but I’m sure I could find someone who would rather I didn’t.
It’s like the switch hasn’t flipped yet for her, you know?
That’s not how you talk to a 29 year old. Especially a 29 year old whos name is on the cell phone contract and who’s SO takes care of financial part. I’m an adult. She has no place telling me what do like that anymore.


I know you all tell me to just have nothing to do with her but it’s not like she’s moving out anytime soon and I have to figure something out because both my grandmother and I are at our wits end with her attitude.
She’s 54 going on 14.

Bolded part sounds like a reaction a teenager would have, complete with 'reasons' why. WTH does whose name on the cell phone contract have to do with ANYTHING???

An adult would shrug it off or just say, "Table's done, mom."