U.S. CitiesCity-Data Forum Index
Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
 [Register]
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
View detailed profile (Advanced) or search
site with Google Custom Search

Search Forums  (Advanced)
Reply Start New Thread
 
Old 12-30-2018, 01:18 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
74,285 posts, read 65,945,931 times
Reputation: 70849

Advertisements

This is a sticky situation. Your son has now rejected his best friend over this? It was your son who introduced you to him in the first place, and was fine with his friend basically becoming part of the family, right?

I think you were harsh with your son, but I'm thinking there's got to be a middle way, between your "tough luck, kid" path and the other extreme--booting the mom out of your life. How much time were you spending with the mom? Did you ease into the dating, taking care to still make plenty of time for your son? It doesn't sound like you were reassuring toward him. There needed to be a son-dad moment (a long moment), to discuss, and let him know he's still your priority, and you two are still a team. Bear in mind that the middle school years are a difficult time, a sensitive time.

And now, his (ex?) friend is without the dad figure he'd been so happy with, before. The situation might be salvageable, if you put the dating way back on a back burner for now, and re-bonded with your son. How does the mom feel about the situation?
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message

 
Old 12-30-2018, 01:28 PM
 
2,377 posts, read 886,367 times
Reputation: 4552
Your 13 yo son does not understand adult relationships and how you feel as an adult man.
Life is much more complex than your son knows. Set some time aside from your courting to assure him he is very important to you. A son and father have a deep bond that cannot be broken. Assure him of that. Appeal to him about how you have yearned the companionship of a woman and want to be loved again as an adult male.
Ask him why it bothers him. You might find something out that is simpler to fix than you thought.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 01:38 PM
 
1,584 posts, read 655,183 times
Reputation: 4048
Best advice so far.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kitty61 View Post
Your 13 yo son does not understand adult relationships and how you feel as an adult man.
Life is much more complex than your son knows. Set some time aside from your courting to assure him he is very important to you. A son and father have a deep bond that cannot be broken. Assure him of that. Appeal to him about how you have yearned the companionship of a woman and want to be loved again as an adult male.
Ask him why it bothers him. You might find something out that is simpler to fix than you thought.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 02:20 PM
 
Location: Las Vegas
13,575 posts, read 24,529,165 times
Reputation: 25215
I don't think a 13yo child should be able to choose who their parent dates or has a relationship with. That is giving the kid way too much power. I would tell him I will date who I please. He may not approve but he will keep it to himself and behave around/with this person and her child. If not, he will be punished appropriately. No screens/wifi/whatever you use. And he would know in advance my expectations and the consequences for not following the rules. But, knowing how he feels I would minimize his exposure to them. At least till he got used to the idea.

This would be a teaching opportunity for me. People never get everything they want and they will never approve of everything other people do. Well, sometimes it's not their choice and they have to live with the choices other people make. Like it, or not! It's real life. 13 is not too young to start learning they do not rule the world. He does not make the rules. And he does not always come first.

I would also do a big self check. Does the kid have any legitimate issues? Am I still spending enough time with him? Available for homework/school stuff? All his basic needs met? Is he suffering in any way because I am dating? If the answer is honestly no then I am doing my job and treating the child well. If there are real issues, I need to address my problems.

Everyone deserves some happiness. Even parents!
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 02:37 PM
 
2,852 posts, read 2,540,378 times
Reputation: 5235
Quote:
Originally Posted by johntaylorny View Post
It's been just me and my 13 year old son for years. Mom out of the picture. As such we spend every minute of every day together. Here's the situation...for the past few years one of my son's best friends from school stays at our house all the time (weekends, holidays). We are very close. His mom is single and I asked her out on a date a few months ago. Well we hit it off! I mean we just clicked. We started dating. My son's friend, who has no dad, has really gotten attached to me and sees me as a father figure and he is now very close to me. He calls/texts me just to say "hi", he likes to do activities with me, all kinds of 'dad' stuff.

Well, my son is having none of this. He says he hates he bf, won't let him over the house, they have been in several fights, and he wants me to stop dating the mom. My relationship with my son hasn't changed, but he is acting very vindictive. He is now trying to sabotage the relationship I have with his bf mother.

Is this type of behaviour normal for a 13 year old? It's seems he is having a jelousey hissy fit. I understand a 5 year old acting this way, but a 13 year old boy? I got so sick of it I just told him that he has to realize I'm dating this woman, her son is now part of my life, I'm not going to be single the rest of my life, so he better get used to it.

Looking for advice as to what other parents here would do or handle this?
A couple of things here.

First, since the mom is out of the picture, you are all your son has and he is all you have. You are both so lucky that you get along so well. Don't do anything to screw up the good relationship!! Your foremost responsibility is to raise your son properly and cater to his needs. Yes, he even takes precedence over your hormones. He came long before your girlfriend and you don't abandon him or his needs to take on another relationship. a rational, responsible adult does not abandon their family to go into a relationship with another person. Whether it takes therapy or whatever, you need to make sure your son is comfortable with whoever you are dating, before you proceed further.

Second, you use the term "bf", referring to your son's friend. You say he hates this "bf", won't let him over to the house, and gets into fights with him. Well if that is his bf, I'd hate to see his enemy. You need to talk to your son NOW and get to the root of this behavior, even if it involves a therapist or two.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 02:48 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,283 posts, read 38,852,196 times
Reputation: 76228
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Any chance this is the same "BF" from the Halloween incident?
It would really be helpful to know the answer to this ^^^ john.

I have one friend who married her son's best friend's dad. He was the boys' soccer coach, and the boys were already good friends, around age 10, when the parents (who were both divorced) realized they had feelings for each other.

They dated and then after about a year and a half got married, and the boys really did become like brothers.

But that is not likely to happen in your case, OP, because there is apparently some bad blood between the boys.

It's NOT always a "no go" situation, but you have to be shrewd and conscientious person to navigate this kind of situation. You DO have to be very careful.

There's apparently something going on with your son that most likely doesn't have to do with your love life, and whatever that is needs to be your priority.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 02:55 PM
 
Location: N of citrus, S of decent corn
35,384 posts, read 43,579,090 times
Reputation: 58680
I think you need to tread lightly. Your son is at a vulnerable age when he wants and needs his dad. He feels jealous of the gfs son using you as a father figure. He feels jealous of the gf taking your time away from him. Dad, you need to do lots of talking, and take it slow.

This is a scenario in which everyone can win, but you need to have respect for your sons feelings. How dad behaves will make or break the way everything goes. If you are smart, OP, you and the gf could live happily ever after, with two happy sons, who are best friends.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 06:44 PM
 
251 posts, read 377,108 times
Reputation: 216
Family therapy, for both of you, will help you both to communicate better... That's going to be the key to finding out what's going on with your son and a solution that you both can live with. Make sure to find a good therapist, one that deals well with teens (listens, doesn't just blame). Don't think that one or two sessions is going to do it. It takes longer to build up a relationship with a therapist.

It doesn't have to be an all or nothing approach (all his way or all your way)-- that would be counter productive. If you can communicate with him, and teach him to communicate with you, you will see each other's point of view, and that will hopefully alleviate his concerns and help you be more sensitive to his needs at a vulnerable time in his life. Therapy will also give him lifelong communication skills... Invaluable.

Get your relationship straight with him before jumping too much into a romantic relationship.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 07:05 PM
 
1,048 posts, read 1,731,709 times
Reputation: 4142
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobspez View Post
How absurd. So if the OP gets a chance at happiness he has to put it on hold for 4 years. News flash ... both the OP and his son have a life. There's no reason either has to sacrifice their happiness for the other. I've seen this reaction in 40+ year old children to the love life of their 70+ year old parents. It's absurd. It's what happens when kids are molly coddled and spoiled instead of being expected to act fairly and responsibly toward their own parents. Yeah life can be unfair. But dealing with it is how people grow stronger. And no matter how close parents are to their children, they need to first be a parent. Teaching his son that he can guide his father's love life or choice of people he interacts with is abdicating his parental responsibility. The OP can keep his girlfriends (starting with the present one) out of the house or not. It shouldn't matter to the son, and if it does, the son needs to learn it's not his choice to make.
Yes, he should put it on hold. He brought his son into the world, hooked up with a woman who didn't stay around to be a mom and is now putting his dating priorities over the welfare of his son, who is, again, only 13 years old. Your slant on the children acting fairly and responsibly toward their parents is bizarre. The responsibility is with the adult to be a parent first, boyfriend second.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
 
Old 12-30-2018, 07:24 PM
 
155 posts, read 30,425 times
Reputation: 395
None of his business if and whom his dad or mom dates as long as nothing illegal is going on. Jealousy happens. 13 yr olds are emotional. Of course I wasn't.
Reply With Quote Quick reply to this message
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.

Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.


Reply

Quick Reply
Message:


Over $104,000 in prizes was already given out to active posters on our forum and additional giveaways are planned!

Go Back   City-Data Forum > General Forums > Parenting
Follow City-Data.com founder on our Forum or

All times are GMT -6.

2005-2019, Advameg, Inc.

City-Data.com - Archive 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35 - Top