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Old 12-30-2018, 07:47 PM
 
Location: Canada
5,330 posts, read 3,791,722 times
Reputation: 14018

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First, your son's hormones are raging and so will be his attitude and behavior.
Second, he is jealous and this is quite normal that he is not the ONLY one in your life now.
Three, he is not a baby or young child any more. He'll soon start liking and dating girls, so his jealousy will pass.

OP, I say you are correct in telling him that you are not going to remain single for the rest of your life. Why should you?
Continue to do dad/son things, tell him you love him, give him hugs (I hope you do that anyways), be there for him when he needs a dad to talk to, and this will all help ease him into the idea. As for the other boy, your son is also jealous of him. I say to STAY RIGHT OUT OF IT. Kids work things out.

DO NOT give him the choice of IF you date or WHO you date. If he wins that "battle" then no one will ever measure up for him to approve of.

Good luck!
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Old 12-30-2018, 10:46 PM
 
608 posts, read 142,766 times
Reputation: 616
Quote:
Originally Posted by johntaylorny View Post
It's been just me and my 13 year old son for years. Mom out of the picture. As such we spend every minute of every day together. Here's the situation...for the past few years one of my son's best friends from school stays at our house all the time (weekends, holidays). We are very close. His mom is single and I asked her out on a date a few months ago. Well we hit it off! I mean we just clicked. We started dating. My son's friend, who has no dad, has really gotten attached to me and sees me as a father figure and he is now very close to me. He calls/texts me just to say "hi", he likes to do activities with me, all kinds of 'dad' stuff.

Well, my son is having none of this. He says he hates he bf, won't let him over the house, they have been in several fights, and he wants me to stop dating the mom. My relationship with my son hasn't changed, but he is acting very vindictive. He is now trying to sabotage the relationship I have with his bf mother.

Is this type of behaviour normal for a 13 year old? It's seems he is having a jelousey hissy fit. I understand a 5 year old acting this way, but a 13 year old boy? I got so sick of it I just told him that he has to realize I'm dating this woman, her son is now part of my life, I'm not going to be single the rest of my life, so he better get used to it.

Looking for advice as to what other parents here would do or handle this?
Didn't you ask him if it was ok for your to do this first?
I cannot imagine making a move like this without ensuring he is on board.
This is even his best friends mother, but now he may not have him as a best friend.
You need to APOLOGIZE Profusely to him and correct the situation by ceasing contact with the friends mother
She shouldn't want to date you either knowing your son has no interest in her.
This is fixable, lucky for you. You are blessed in that way, don't blow it.
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Old 12-31-2018, 06:10 AM
 
987 posts, read 634,395 times
Reputation: 1580
Well this got complicated.

First of all, your son might be having feelings about someone "replacing" his Mom. You've said you've been alone for years; but he could still have feelings to his Mom.

Secondly, dating his friend's Mom is a little intrusive. Give the kid some breathing space. The kid's going through puberty and probably has weird Freudian dreams because of what you're doing. Cool it.

Lastly, what happens if the friendship with the two kids goes sour?
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Old 12-31-2018, 10:43 AM
 
Location: State of Transition
74,285 posts, read 65,945,931 times
Reputation: 70849
Quote:
Originally Posted by ApePeeD View Post
Well this got complicated.

First of all, your son might be having feelings about someone "replacing" his Mom. You've said you've been alone for years; but he could still have feelings to his Mom.

Secondly, dating his friend's Mom is a little intrusive. Give the kid some breathing space. The kid's going through puberty and probably has weird Freudian dreams because of what you're doing. Cool it.

Lastly, what happens if the friendship with the two kids goes sour?
This is one thing that concerns me. The best buddy seems to need a father figure, and even before the mom-dating began, things were working well in that regard; he was spending a lot of time around the OP and his son, and was welcome. It was his alternative home. It would be a shame for the kid to lose that, because of this issue.
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Old 12-31-2018, 12:28 PM
 
5,464 posts, read 3,153,118 times
Reputation: 18839
Parenting means putting your child's needs before your own. You're almost there and it sounds like you've been doing a good job up to this point.

All this commotion is a signal to you that a better choice could be made.

Put the dating agenda on hold for just a couple more years and finish fathering your son. You'll be glad later that you made the choice.

And talk to him about the choice you made and why.
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Old Today, 07:58 AM
 
Location: NY>FL>VA>NC>IN
2,168 posts, read 817,126 times
Reputation: 4473
My Gawd the amount of replies condemning the Father for dating the son's pal's Mother...wth

If the Mother were an innately horrid person, sure. Dating her would be selfish and bad parenting.

But if she is a nice, ordinary lady who is good to the children, WHAT is WRONG with him dating her?!

Son needs to get over this; he is 13 and I find his reaction ridiculous. Father should not choose his dating partners according to his son's wishes (barring as abovementioned, horrible -abusive, addicted, destructive, criminals- women).

Has the son cited reasons he objects? Valid reasons, like the lady treats him badly?
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Old Today, 09:41 AM
 
1,048 posts, read 1,731,709 times
Reputation: 4147
Quote:
Originally Posted by VexedAndSolitary View Post
My Gawd the amount of replies condemning the Father for dating the son's pal's Mother...wth

If the Mother were an innately horrid person, sure. Dating her would be selfish and bad parenting.

But if she is a nice, ordinary lady who is good to the children, WHAT is WRONG with him dating her?!

Son needs to get over this; he is 13 and I find his reaction ridiculous. Father should not choose his dating partners according to his son's wishes (barring as abovementioned, horrible -abusive, addicted, destructive, criminals- women).

Has the son cited reasons he objects? Valid reasons, like the lady treats him badly?
I hesitate to rejoin this nonsense, especially since other posters have pointed out the OP's situation keeps changing based on other threads. Here's one last shot: Out of all the women in the world, this single father chooses to date the mother of the son's best friend. A best friend who now treats the son's father like he's his father. Now the OP places the gf's son's needs higher than his own son's. Is it really so hard to understand a 13 year old in the throes of puberty isn't an adult and would have a hard time with this?

I agree kids shouldn't have veto power over who their parent dates. I also firmly believe a parent should be done raising their kids before they start muddying the home waters with the current gf/bf.
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Old Today, 10:52 AM
 
Location: In the house we finally own!
411 posts, read 196,469 times
Reputation: 1772
Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post

I agree kids shouldn't have veto power over who their parent dates. I also firmly believe a parent should be done raising their kids before they start muddying the home waters with the current gf/bf.
Sometimes even when the kids are grown and out on their own they still have issues when the parent starts seeing someone.

I had been divorced for 17 years when I met my current husband. I had not been in any relationships during that time. When my DH and I got together, my son was in his late 20's. Although my ex had already remarried years before, apparently it was unacceptable to DS that I had found someone even after so many years of being alone. It took him several years to accept my new husband, during which time DS was a giant tool about it. My daughter had no problem with it, and was happy that I had finally found someone to share my life with.

My best friend lost her husband suddenly in an automobile accident. Her daughter was in her mid 20's at the time. After about 3 years of deep mourning, my friend reconnected with an old boyfriend, and it got serious. Her daughter was vehemently opposed to this relationship from day one. I guess she expected her mom to spend the rest of her life alone after losing her husband of 30 plus years.

I think maybe a lot of times children, regardless of age, don't see their parents as regular people who need companionship of the opposite sex. 13 is a difficult age no matter the circumstance or family dynamics. I remember when I was 13 I was critical of anything and everything my parents did.
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Old Today, 06:27 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
74,285 posts, read 65,945,931 times
Reputation: 70849
Quote:
Originally Posted by reebo View Post
I hesitate to rejoin this nonsense, especially since other posters have pointed out the OP's situation keeps changing based on other threads. Here's one last shot: Out of all the women in the world, this single father chooses to date the mother of the son's best friend. A best friend who now treats the son's father like he's his father. Now the OP places the gf's son's needs higher than his own son's. Is it really so hard to understand a 13 year old in the throes of puberty isn't an adult and would have a hard time with this?
Well, since you put it that way.... It makes more sense. I hadn't thought, that the son would see his best friend suddenly as an interloper for his dad's attention, because the bf already was part of the family, just not in an openly acknowledged way. Your post makes it more clear, that the son feels he's got not only the mom coming between him and his dad, but also his best friend is doing the same (from his perspective).

And who knows, if he already feels, or had felt at one time, abandoned by his mom. Now, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he (from his perspective) is facing the prospect of another abandonment. That could definitely be scary to a kid.

OP? Are you still with us? I think the advice still stands, to put these new developments on hold, while you take time to re-bond with your son, on some occasions just doing father-son stuff together, on others, having a heart-to-heart talk and reassuring him. The mom won't go anywhere; she can wait.
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Old Today, 07:05 PM
 
1,048 posts, read 1,731,709 times
Reputation: 4147
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Well, since you put it that way.... It makes more sense. I hadn't thought, that the son would see his best friend suddenly as an interloper for his dad's attention, because the bf already was part of the family, just not in an openly acknowledged way. Your post makes it more clear, that the son feels he's got not only the mom coming between him and his dad, but also his best friend is doing the same (from his perspective).

And who knows, if he already feels, or had felt at one time, abandoned by his mom. Now, suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he (from his perspective) is facing the prospect of another abandonment. That could definitely be scary to a kid.

OP? Are you still with us? I think the advice still stands, to put these new developments on hold, while you take time to re-bond with your son, on some occasions just doing father-son stuff together, on others, having a heart-to-heart talk and reassuring him. The mom won't go anywhere; she can wait.
Reasonableness and measured reconsideration of your opinion is not allowed on c-d!

I think the OP has abandoned us too...
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