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Old 12-30-2018, 09:50 AM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
51 posts, read 134,855 times
Reputation: 153

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It's been just me and my 13 year old son for years. Mom out of the picture. As such we spend every minute of every day together. Here's the situation...for the past few years one of my son's best friends from school stays at our house all the time (weekends, holidays). We are very close. His mom is single and I asked her out on a date a few months ago. Well we hit it off! I mean we just clicked. We started dating. My son's friend, who has no dad, has really gotten attached to me and sees me as a father figure and he is now very close to me. He calls/texts me just to say "hi", he likes to do activities with me, all kinds of 'dad' stuff.

Well, my son is having none of this. He says he hates he bf, won't let him over the house, they have been in several fights, and he wants me to stop dating the mom. My relationship with my son hasn't changed, but he is acting very vindictive. He is now trying to sabotage the relationship I have with his bf mother.

Is this type of behaviour normal for a 13 year old? It's seems he is having a jelousey hissy fit. I understand a 5 year old acting this way, but a 13 year old boy? I got so sick of it I just told him that he has to realize I'm dating this woman, her son is now part of my life, I'm not going to be single the rest of my life, so he better get used to it.

Looking for advice as to what other parents here would do or handle this?
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Old 12-30-2018, 09:54 AM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,283 posts, read 38,852,196 times
Reputation: 76228
Quote:
Originally Posted by johntaylorny View Post
It's been just me and my 13 year old son for years. Mom out of the picture. As such we spend every minute of every day together. Here's the situation...for the past few years one of my son's best friends from school stays at our house all the time (weekends, holidays). We are very close. His mom is single and I asked her out on a date a few months ago. Well we hit it off! I mean we just clicked. We started dating. My son's friend, who has no dad, has really gotten attached to me and sees me as a father figure and he is now very close to me. He calls/texts me just to say "hi", he likes to do activities with me, all kinds of 'dad' stuff.

Well, my son is having none of this. He says he hates he bf, won't let him over the house, they have been in several fights, and he wants me to stop dating the mom. My relationship with my son hasn't changed, but he is acting very vindictive. He is now trying to sabotage the relationship I have with his bf mother.

Is this type of behaviour normal for a 13 year old? It's seems he is having a jelousey hissy fit. I understand a 5 year old acting this way, but a 13 year old boy? I got so sick of it I just told him that he has to realize I'm dating this woman, her son is now part of my life, I'm not going to be single the rest of my life, so he better get used to it.

Looking for advice as to what other parents here would do or handle this?
Any chance this is the same "BF" from the Halloween incident?
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Old 12-30-2018, 10:28 AM
 
1,048 posts, read 1,731,709 times
Reputation: 4142
Wow, your compassion for your son is....lacking. Not only is your time now consumed by dating someone, it's his best friend's mother! So now he has to share you with a woman and her son, who has taken to you like you're his father. And you basically told him you prioritize his friend's need for you over his. He obviously has conflicting feelings about the entire situation. And a 13 year old isn't an adult with rational judgement. I'm surprised you're surprised he has an issue with this.

Yes, his behavior is normal. I'd find another woman to date, which you probably won't do. How about some family therapy?
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Old 12-30-2018, 12:33 PM
 
3,607 posts, read 3,405,629 times
Reputation: 9318
Your best course of action would be to stop dating the mother, and frankly, to not bring anyone home until kid is 18 and hopefully away at college. Even then, I've seen college aged kids who are unhappy about their parent's new relationship, but usually it's not that much of a problem because the kid is away at school by then.

The kid did not ask for the divorce. You're lucky in that you and he have a good relationship. He is at an age when his testosterone level is very high, he is very hormonally driven, probably all he can think about is sex. And if you're bringing home his best friend's mother, or frankly, anyone, and he is aware of your sexual relationship with her, it's going to be hard for him.

Be glad that you have the possibility of a good relationship with your son. Keep your dating life and sex life completely separated from him - don't even let him know if you have one. It's only four more years, maybe less.

As for the best friend now seeing you as his father figure, can't you see how that could drive your son insane with jealousy and rage? You're HIS father, not the BF's father.
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Old 12-30-2018, 12:34 PM
 
Location: Chicago, IL
51 posts, read 134,855 times
Reputation: 153
So you are saying that dating your son’s best friends mother is a no-no?ting your
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Old 12-30-2018, 12:48 PM
 
1,584 posts, read 655,183 times
Reputation: 4048
Tell your son to act his age. Tell him he's free to not see his former BF and you are free to see the Mom. He'll get over it. Dragging this out in therapy is the worst thing you could do. Parents need to set limits for their children's behaviour, not the other way around. You don't have to force him to interact or have the Mom at your house to date her. You don't even have to bring her up in conversation unless your son does. And if he has negative things to say about it you can just say you don't want to discuss it with him. If and when you decide to get married, it's a different story. Worry about that when the time comes. It's your decision, not his.
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Old 12-30-2018, 12:56 PM
 
4,264 posts, read 3,603,512 times
Reputation: 8594
Quote:
Originally Posted by parentologist View Post
Your best course of action would be to stop dating the mother, and frankly, to not bring anyone home until kid is 18 and hopefully away at college. Even then, I've seen college aged kids who are unhappy about their parent's new relationship, but usually it's not that much of a problem because the kid is away at school by then.

The kid did not ask for the divorce. You're lucky in that you and he have a good relationship. He is at an age when his testosterone level is very high, he is very hormonally driven, probably all he can think about is sex. And if you're bringing home his best friend's mother, or frankly, anyone, and he is aware of your sexual relationship with her, it's going to be hard for him.

Be glad that you have the possibility of a good relationship with your son. Keep your dating life and sex life completely separated from him - don't even let him know if you have one. It's only four more years, maybe less.

As for the best friend now seeing you as his father figure, can't you see how that could drive your son insane with jealousy and rage? You're HIS father, not the BF's father.

This!!!
Fyi- you have been a complete jerk!
You should apologize to your son, yesterday. You have been rejectimg him and your life with him and replacing him with this other kid & his mother. Not cool at all.

Keep your future girlfriends & theirs out of your home.
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Old 12-30-2018, 01:12 PM
 
1,584 posts, read 655,183 times
Reputation: 4048
How absurd. So if the OP gets a chance at happiness he has to put it on hold for 4 years. News flash ... both the OP and his son have a life. There's no reason either has to sacrifice their happiness for the other. I've seen this reaction in 40+ year old children to the love life of their 70+ year old parents. It's absurd. It's what happens when kids are molly coddled and spoiled instead of being expected to act fairly and responsibly toward their own parents. Yeah life can be unfair. But dealing with it is how people grow stronger. And no matter how close parents are to their children, they need to first be a parent. Teaching his son that he can guide his father's love life or choice of people he interacts with is abdicating his parental responsibility. The OP can keep his girlfriends (starting with the present one) out of the house or not. It shouldn't matter to the son, and if it does, the son needs to learn it's not his choice to make.

Quote:
Originally Posted by historyfan View Post
This!!!
Fyi- you have been a complete jerk!
You should apologize to your son, yesterday. You have been rejectimg him and your life with him and replacing him with this other kid & his mother. Not cool at all.

Keep your future girlfriends & theirs out of your home.
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Old 12-30-2018, 01:13 PM
 
620 posts, read 141,562 times
Reputation: 1723
Is your girlfriend aware that your son has issues with the two of you dating? She needs to know. Perhaps you and your son could have a few family counseling sessions. He has had you all to himself and suddenly things have changed. He may also be a little immature for his age. It probably won't be long before he is wanting to spend less time with you and more with friends, but in the meantime no one is going to be happy until you deal with his jealousy and insecurities. You also do not need to be in a big hurry to combine households. As someone else said, he will be 18 in a few years and hopefully will be off to college, or at the very least working and creating his own independent life.
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Old 12-30-2018, 01:16 PM
 
89 posts, read 46,498 times
Reputation: 186
I don't agree you have to stop dating her or stop dating until your son is 18. I do agree that it's perfectly understandable why your son is feeling jealous. He's used to the two of you always being together; in a way it probably feels like being dumped as a friend. Especially at a time of life that is rough for kids anyway, and when they feel uncertain and self-conscious and sensitive about everything, including what they may see as rejection. If he also doesn't take change well, that doesn't help. Then there's this other kid to share his dad with, too.

And I find it a bit strange that the friend now sees you as a father figure after just a few months-- did he act like this before? Did your son have a problem with it then? Are you the first person the friend's mom has dated?

His mother is out of the picture but you didn't say why...is it possible he sees this as a betrayal of her? is it possible he and his friend simply had a falling-out that *wasn't* related to your relationship with the kid's mom and now the thought of this kid having to remain in his life, possibly as a stepbrother, is bothering your son?

I also agree that counseling would be helpful, especially for your son to be able to talk it through with someone who's not you. And bring it up to him in those terms-- not that he needs it because something is wrong with him, but because you know it's hard and it would be good for him to talk with someone outside the situation who could also give him advice.
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