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Old Yesterday, 04:12 PM
 
877 posts, read 240,004 times
Reputation: 1333

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Parents, would you act like this with your adult children?

Say you travel a lot. Your adult children travel a lot, too. They book first-class plane tickets for you and do not ask to be paid back. They either use their miles for the whole ticket or pay cash for a coach ticket and upgrade it with their miles.

While they don't ask for anything in return, and they make it clear that they can't be booking plane tickets with miles in exchange for payment, you have given them a cash present for their birthdays that is larger than usual in years when they haven't booked tickets. The present is usually somewhat less than the price of the miles that were used to book the ticket, but they don't ask for anything and keep booking tickets.

For a recent holiday, you and your adult child traveled to visit another child. Your adult child who always books the tickets, as usual, booked a first-class ticket for you. The adult child also paid for the rental car from the airport, and you told your adult child that you'd pay 1/2 of that.

This time, as you were short of funds to make the charitable contributions that you had committed to give that year, you told your adult child that you'd give him a normal birthday present, but you also told your adult child that as "surely you'd [the adult child] want to help others, instead of giving you a larger present or paying 1/2 of the rental car", you had decided to give that cash to a charity that you picked.

So your adult child booked a ticket for you and paid for half a rental car, and you returned the favor by giving money to a charity that you had committed to, and which your child doesn't like (which your child had told you).

The adult child didn't say anything and didn't dispute it.


Cool?
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Old Yesterday, 04:25 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,955 posts, read 19,309,511 times
Reputation: 25514
I'm assuming you're the adult child. What your parent did isn't great, but in the end, it's their money and their choice.

By the same standards, if the next time you buy a plane ticket for your parent, it's a coach ticket, well, it's your money and your choice.
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Old Yesterday, 04:26 PM
 
7,469 posts, read 2,933,788 times
Reputation: 19805
I'm sorry you got stiffed buying a plane ticket for your parents and weren't paid back.

Which charity, I'm curious, do you not like that you've even mentioned not liking?

Just taking a wild guess about the cast of characters in your scenario.
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Old Yesterday, 05:12 PM
 
600 posts, read 209,652 times
Reputation: 1993
Quote:
Originally Posted by Hedgehog_Mom View Post
I'm assuming you're the adult child. What your parent did isn't great, but in the end, it's their money and their choice.

By the same standards, if the next time you buy a plane ticket for your parent, it's a coach ticket, well, it's your money and your choice.
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Old Yesterday, 05:15 PM
 
4,264 posts, read 3,598,741 times
Reputation: 8584
Saying you will pay back someone/anyone for something & then not doing so is inappropriate.

The separate issue of giving someone a gift that is a charitable contribution is nothing I would do unless recipient had requested it.


If you feel resentful, it might be time to re-visit your practice of giving away your miles.
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Old Yesterday, 05:31 PM
 
2,721 posts, read 1,186,206 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by historyfan View Post
Saying you will pay back someone/anyone for something & then not doing so is inappropriate.

The separate issue of giving someone a gift that is a charitable contribution is nothing I would do unless recipient had requested it.


If you feel resentful, it might be time to re-visit your practice of giving away your miles.
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Old Yesterday, 06:17 PM
 
3,601 posts, read 3,400,778 times
Reputation: 9274
If you give your parent a gift, it's a gift. If your parent gives you a gift, it's a gift. If your parent says that they're donating to a charity in lieu of giving you a gift, tell them that it's their business what they do with their money, but that you don't approve of "Tell others God told you to tell them they should do, because you're really a bossy, racist, misogynistic, anti-(whatever) *******" charity, and that you don't think anyone should support it, and how would they feel if you, instead of buying them first class plane tickets next time, made a donation to "Let's teach my racist, misogynistic, anti(whatever) parent a lesson" charity".

Well, strike that. Just stop buying them plane tickets. It really burns me that they would not only NOT pay you for the plane tickets, but in lieu of it make a donation to a charity that you don't support (and I'm thinking of something as heinous as the anti-choice people, or the groups that try to 're-educate' gay teens) knowing that you don't support this, and then TELL you about it!

Next time, just let them make their own travel arrangements. How could they be so stupid? Don't they realize that unless they die suddenly, you're the one who is going to be making their end of life care arrangements? Dad, I would have put you in the luxury resort nursing home, but you know, I decided it was better to put you in the stinky bedsore warehouse emporium, and I'll make a charitable donation in lieu of that, to try to fix the evil you supported in the world with YOUR charitable donations.
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Old Yesterday, 07:12 PM
 
877 posts, read 240,004 times
Reputation: 1333
Thanks, everyone. Airline rules prohibit using miles to book tickets and get paid something in return, so there canít be any kind of payment or other benefit in return. However, if someone booked a first-class plane ticket for me and didnít ask for anything in return, Iíd still try to be be generous back.

My parent donated the funds to my parentís own charity. The charity is for the benefit of one other family in the developing world. I have already given thousands of dollars to that charity. I donít like the charity because itís just a handout to one family (to pay for their schooling expenses) and it doesnít do anything to encourage the family to ďpay it forwardĒ or work; I think that requiring the family in turn to help others or work would be more beneficial than just giving the handout (as the family is able-bodied and well-educated). My parent has a hard time getting others to contribute to the charity- no wonder. I have served on my churchís benevolence committee (which donates church funds to other charities) and know what donors want in a charity, and this charity just doesnít cut it.

And I really donít like being told, ďOh, that money I said Iíd pay you. Iím giving it to my charity instead.Ē Paying me at least for the rental car and asking if Iíd like to give to the charity would have been better.
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Old Yesterday, 07:54 PM
 
Location: Honolulu, HI
5,183 posts, read 1,367,709 times
Reputation: 7436
Well, I received $40 from my mother one time as a birthday present so I know all about cheap parents. My father was cheap, and my step father was also cheap. Was it because they were poor, broke, or stingy? Who knows.

It's their money so they can do whatever the hell they want with it.

The only solution to just get your own job and start being cheap towards them. They want to see you during the holidays? You can't afford the plane ticket or gas to drive there. They want gifts for Christmas or fathers or mothers day? You give them a $5 Amazon gift card.

The way some parents treat their kids can come back to bite them.
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Old Yesterday, 08:05 PM
 
1,485 posts, read 633,239 times
Reputation: 7939
You know, how about just cutting out all the word gymnastics with "the parent" and "the adult child" and just tell the story straight?

It appears that "Jane" is now upsetting you and not just your brother.

I really don't know how the airline would know if you got some cash in return.

I suppose you could stop providing her with tickets. And you could say something.
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