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Old 01-02-2019, 12:23 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634

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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irish Eyes View Post
You are not overly sensitive or needy. Arriving in the middle of the night and leaving at by noon isn't "spending Christmas with you". And if it's so natural for kids to no longer want to spend time with their families on holidays when they get a girlfriend/boyfriend, why is her boyfriend spending all this time with his family???

Would you prefer to change it to another day or have a set meal time for Christmas Day, either brunch or early dinner? I would think about what you're okay with and what doesn't work for you and then talk to her about the options. What's done is done, I wouldn't discuss it too much because it gives her the chance to say you're overreacting or whatever. I would just focus on the future plans and tell her what will and won't work for you. In our family when my siblings started getting married we alternated Thanksgiving years and still split up Christmas. When they started having children and it was too much to get the kids out of the house we moved it to either the week before or the week after Christmas and it has worked beautifully. Those kids who were too hard to get out on Christmas morning are now graduating college and having their own children and still never miss the big celebration, so it really served us well to be flexible. I think it may be too early in their relationship to do that though?

Does she still live with you? If not I wouldn't be up for them arriving at 1 am. I can understand you feeling used and would say just spend the night wherever you were until then. Did she even eat the damn pie or did they take it with them?
Not a bite. Lol! It did come out very good though.

They donít live with me. We are now empty nesters. I am going to offer another day for next year.
I was ok with the 1:00 show up. Just fine with me. I understand that her boyfriend has Christmas Eve with his Dadís side and grandmother. I told her to take her time.

I wonít dwell on it. I will take the advice of most on here. Iím not changing my Christmas celebration on the day but will certainly add another day to it for convenience.
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Old 01-02-2019, 12:35 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by VexedAndSolitary View Post
You seem overly sensitive and needy. Your daughter spent part of the holiday with you and part with her BF's Mother. That seems reasonable to me.

Had they blown you off entirely I could see why you may be bothered but that isn't what you herein recount.

Why you would make an issue where none really exists indicates your hypersensitivity to perceived slights; you must have had a terribly easy life if you see this silly incident as an actual problem to be addressed.

Perhaps your neediness is off putting to your daughter.
I think you need to not make judgements on how peopleís lives are. Quite the opposite. I was physically, sexually, and emotionally abused growing up. The sexual only lasted 7 years. The other abuses were as far back as I could remember until I left the house.

I was close to my grandparents and quite a few holidays were spent with them. They stopped doing them and I had to search for places to have my holidays. I was a guest at many friendsí homes over the years.

Iíve made a very big deal out of holidays since having my own family and wanted them to look back and have good memories of them. Perhaps normal kids run off to otherís homes on holidays. Could very well be and since I was not a normal kid, I wouldnít know that.

I never want any of my kids to feel obligated to me. I have realized that over the past week. I also do not want to feel like I am an obligation either.

I am going to propose another day as there are things I make that she likes and Iíd still love to do it for her. But if thatís not something she wants then thatís fine too.

I guess I was disappointed that I was under the impression they would be sharing dinner here with her siblings and us and they just ran out. Maybe I am over sensitive about it. I will change my expectations moving forward. Iím quite resilient.
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Old 01-02-2019, 12:38 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by dblackga View Post
I'm so sorry your feelings are hurt. And yes, she did mislead you by insisting on homemade pumpkin pie -- let's face it, why else would she have asked for it if she didn't intend to eat it? Don't let her get away with that kind of mendacity. She stood you up for a holiday meal, and that was rude. Plans change, but it was rude not to let you know and then make you feel guilty to being taken aback. Adults don't do that, but self-absorbed kids do. I was facing somewhat the same thing with my daughter and her fiance' this year. We have always gone out to dinner and gone to evening Christmas Eve services, opened gifts Christmas morning and had a large dinner Christmas lunch. Fiance's mother is a widow, and he doesn't want her to be alone at Christmas -- nice, thoughtful son. Daughter was driving herself crazy trying to schedule everything so that we didn't get our feelings hurt. I finally offered to have our holiday dinner on Christmas Eve, and invited his mom to join us, leaving daughter free to join his family on Christmas Day. That's what they did, and they also ended up coming over Christmas morning to open gifts, we had a light brunch, and then they left before noon to spend the day with his family. And that was fine.

Things are changing with our adult kids -- they will soon be establishing families of their own and then traditions will have to bend to accommodate. I watched every single one of my parents' Christmases be completely controlled by my grandparents and the need to evenly split time between the two families, to the point of having to eat two HUGE Christmas dinners (one at lunch, one at supper) because God forbid either one of them have it the night before.

If you do bring it up, I think it's fair to be honest and calmly tell her, "When you asked for the pumpkin pie, that indicated to me that you were planning to share the Christmas meal with us, so yes, I was disappointed when you left so abruptly. It felt a little like you just came for gifts, and not to spend time with us." She knows she's in the wrong -- that's why she hasn't tried to talk to you since Christmas, because deep down, she knows she hurt your feelings -- but she also wanted to spend Christmas with boyfriend. Then drop it.
Fantastic advice. Thank you so much. This is exactly how I want to handle it.
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Old 01-02-2019, 12:49 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,380 posts, read 38,952,984 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post

Iíve made a very big deal out of holidays since having my own family and wanted them to look back and have good memories of them. Perhaps normal kids run off to otherís homes on holidays. Could very well be and since I was not a normal kid, I wouldnít know that.
I am very sorry for what you endured as a child.

I do think this ^^ importance you have since placed on holidays is influencing your disappointment in this situation.

Maybe it's naive, but you could look at it this way: You gave your daughter such a great holiday experience growing up that she sort of takes it for granted now. And frankly many "kids" this age are not sensitive the way they should be. She is being self-centered, but I doubt it's a reflection of her feelings for you.

You are being remarkably pragmatic about it. Many parents and grandparents dig in their heels and insist on keeping things the same, even in the face of great family change. It's good news that you are aware there's an issue. But her holiday experience is not yours, and you two just need to get back to speaking so you can move forward .
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Old 01-02-2019, 01:02 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
I am very sorry for what you endured as a child.

I do think this ^^ importance you have since placed on holidays is influencing your disappointment in this situation.

Maybe it's naive, but you could look at it this way: You gave your daughter such a great holiday experience growing up that she sort of takes it for granted now. And frankly many "kids" this age are not sensitive the way they should be. She is being self-centered, but I doubt it's a reflection of her feelings for you.

You are being remarkably pragmatic about it. Many parents and grandparents dig in their heels and insist on keeping things the same, even in the face of great family change. It's good news that you are aware there's an issue. But her holiday experience is not yours, and you two just need to get back to speaking so you can move forward .
Thank you. I think youíre right. I may project the significance and importance of holidays because of not having it as a kid. That said, Iím not one of those that comes out with ďoh I had it so badĒ kind of people. Not their life, their fault or their burden. Itís not at all what defines me. That would give it too much power. Lol! Iím not even sure if that makes sense.

Her and I have always been close and her not speaking to me is quite upsetting.
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Old 01-02-2019, 02:13 PM
 
5,141 posts, read 6,354,309 times
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I think there is far more to this than just Christmas. I think your daughter has other, probably ongoing and deep-seeded, issues in regards to you and her relationship with you. Give her space. When she's ready to talk to you about it, she will.
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Old 01-02-2019, 03:00 PM
 
2,406 posts, read 897,007 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
Anyone that knows me knows Iím a Christmas nut. I truly enjoy the decorating and all preparations that go into the big day.
I thoroughly enjoy my family being here and creating a large spread of food for them all to enjoy.

For the second Christmas, one of my daughters has a boyfriend. Heís nice. I like him and enjoy his company. Last year, they spent Christmas Eve at his grandmotherís home, came here, spent the night, did presents in the morning and raced out to spend the rest of the day with his mom (his parents are divorced).

This year, his mom and I have met and are on great terms. She told me that she is having Christmas dinner this year at 5:00 to give me more time with them knowing they ran out on me last year. I thought that was really nice.

The plan was to go to his grandmotherís on Christmas Eve (Dadís side), come here, get up, do gifts, have dinner and then go to his motherís. Not even two weeks prior, my daughter made a stink when I said I was buying a pumpkin pie instead of baking one. I did bake one and told her. She was happy.

Christmas Eve they didnít get to my house until around 1:00am. No problem there. I understand completely and was glad they had a nice time. We all get up and do gifts in the morning. Immediately my daughter goes to get a shower, get ready and theyíre out the door by noon.

I was hurt. I still am. Her response is ďyou have to accept that Iím grown upĒ. I honestly get that. What hurts is feeling like Iím an appointment on Christmas that just needs to be gotten out of the way. That she doesnít care that she led me to believe that they would be here for dinner.

We havenít spoken since.

The day after Christmas, my mother in law needed a serious surgery and we had to travel several states away to be there. I texted her and said we need to talk but not right now.
I texted when I got back and said ok, let me know when you have time to talk. Her response was sheís not ready to talk to me yet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to have some holiday time with her and not have her just get it over with to run to his family?

Iím hurt and now confused.
You are hurt and confused over a young person's immaturity. She has different priorities as do all young people.
I honestly don't think her attitude should be a surprise. She is not all grown up and does not have the family feeling yet. All is not lost. Give her time to have her own child and see the difference.
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Old 01-02-2019, 05:03 PM
 
630 posts, read 217,570 times
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I can understand why you would feel hurt. I would never want to feel like an obligation to my daughter either. Young people can be very self centered at times and I would chalk it up to that and let it go. She is probably mad at you because she knew she was wrong to ditch her family for her boyfriend. She should have stayed at least until noon for lunch and pie.

You sound like a good mother and I think you should probably cut the apron strings a little more and lower your expectations. She will be back once she matures.
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Old 01-02-2019, 06:00 PM
 
Location: Wisconsin
16,623 posts, read 16,376,284 times
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Once your children become adults things often change.

A close friend is also a "holiday nut". When his children became adults he really, really wanted to be the "key holiday house" but it took several years of growing pains (his oldest daughter & spouse ate three Thanksgiving dinners and three Christmas dinners for a couple of years). Now his family has worked out a happy routine for everyone (and his daughter and family only eat one Thanksgiving & Christmas dinner that day). He is happy, his adult children are happy, all of the various in-laws are happy (most live out of state so they alternate holidays).

In my own family, we have been empty nesters for about a dozen years, since our youngest moved out of state for college. During that time many things have changed, our son is now married with his own children and needs to honor and respect his own family's needs as well as accommodating his wife's family during each holiday. Also, during that time our daughter has lived out of the country for several years and our son has lived 2,000 miles away for that entire time. Would I have preferred that both my children, and their spouse/children/SO celebrate holidays at our house? Heck, yes. But that is not realistic. Just like I started to make my own holiday plans when I became an adult, it is important that I allow my adult children to make their own plans.

BTW, I agree that it was immature for your daughter to badger you into making a home made pumpkin pie and then not staying for the meal. I hope that you start speaking to each soon.

Last edited by germaine2626; 01-02-2019 at 06:13 PM..
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Old 01-02-2019, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
186 posts, read 67,395 times
Reputation: 688
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
.....Am I being unreasonable to want to have some holiday time with her and not have her just get it over with to run to his family?

Iím hurt and now confused.
You're not unreasonable; although you can't expect things to stay entirely the same or expect your children to put your priorities first above all else simply because you're their mother. Growing families have their kinds of growing pains to work through during empty-nesting. Holidays are a big part of it because expectations get challenged for the first time and you're having to make sacrifices or force competition between family groups.

When you and your daughter talk go ahead and tell her how you feel but understand that it won't mean you automatically get everything you want. You need to accept your daughter is in a relationship with someone who's family isn't molded the same way as yours therefor she's going to need to be flexible with both groups. She might have felt intense pressure and trust me, having to juggle several family holiday events can feel like your going from appointment to appointment; it's a lot of work and no matter what at some point someone will be hurt they weren't a priority making it seem like even more of a burden. It's clear your daughter knows she hurt you and now she's not sure how to proceed without hurting you more. It's important to tell her how you feel, but you also need to be gracious and be ready to adapt to the changes your daughter and any future relationship/family/work she might have. Your relationship should hold well as long as you both acknowledge you both got hurt and will work to better understand each other and grow in your relationship as mother and adult child.

Mend your relationship by being open and understanding, your daughter shouldn't be pressured into letting you monopolizing her holiday just as you shouldn't be pressured into making homemade desserts or anything else. This won't be the first time she'll strays away from family traditions or do things with her boyfriend/his family in mind alongside or even ahead of you. Get used to it and simply enjoy the time you get to spend with her as an adult woman. And maybe if you develop your relationship with the BFs mother and the relationship grows invite her to join for some holidays to help your daughter not have to feel pressured into choosing one over another. Most importantly of all, just go with the flow. Holidays are important for the good memories they provide, but relationships aren't created because of them...the holidays are created in response to family and wanting to enjoy good time no matter how short the time may be.
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