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Old 01-04-2019, 02:31 AM
 
Location: Texas
604 posts, read 489,251 times
Reputation: 1825

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Op,

You seem like a great mom with really good intentions. You also seem to have raised a good family. Just remember young adults these days are pulled in far more directions than in the past because of divorce. It can be very very stressful. My good friend has hit 4 houses during Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is this close to opting out of everything because none of the parents/step parents will give an inch.

How often do you see her on nonholidays? If it is often (monthly, weekly, etc) I would give her a break next year. I bet she would be truly grateful!
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Old 01-04-2019, 06:12 AM
 
2,690 posts, read 1,389,974 times
Reputation: 7245
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post

Thank you all for the advice. I am still learning as a parent. I completely agree with having it on another day. Thatís just fine with me.
Having it another day will inconvenience or at least affect everyone else who routinely attends your holiday celebrations. Donít you have a spouse and other kids? What are they, chopped liver? They were there werenít they? Just be grateful for who WAS there and donít cater to this one kid. It makes your other kids feel less important to you.

You do sound like a great mom BTW and I donít think you were being unreasonable.
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Old 01-04-2019, 08:01 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
Having it another day will inconvenience or at least affect everyone else who routinely attends your holiday celebrations. Donít you have a spouse and other kids? What are they, chopped liver? They were there werenít they? Just be grateful for who WAS there and donít cater to this one kid. It makes your other kids feel less important to you.

You do sound like a great mom BTW and I donít think you were being unreasonable.
Oh it certainly would inconvenience them to just change it all. Iím not going to stop what I currently do, just add another day to it. Theyíre not chopped liver. Lol!

I do understand that not everyone has families that are still together. His family has made theirs work for their family. I donít want my daughter to feel pulled or less important to me either.

My husband is pushing back a little. He thinks itís going to be a lot on me to add another day but itís really not. Iím very good at planning. I prepare and freeze cookie dough, all types of food and side dishes. As I said, I love Christmas celebrations so Iím spinning this to be excited that it will be more than one day.
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Old 01-04-2019, 08:03 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jayerdu View Post
Op,

You seem like a great mom with really good intentions. You also seem to have raised a good family. Just remember young adults these days are pulled in far more directions than in the past because of divorce. It can be very very stressful. My good friend has hit 4 houses during Thanksgiving and Christmas. She is this close to opting out of everything because none of the parents/step parents will give an inch.

How often do you see her on nonholidays? If it is often (monthly, weekly, etc) I would give her a break next year. I bet she would be truly grateful!
I wouldnít blame your friend one bit. Four houses in one day is crazy. Is she considering maybe splitting those into two days? Can she talk to all of them now?
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Old 01-04-2019, 08:29 AM
 
2,690 posts, read 1,389,974 times
Reputation: 7245
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
Oh it certainly would inconvenience them to just change it all. Iím not going to stop what I currently do, just add another day to it. Theyíre not chopped liver. Lol!

I do understand that not everyone has families that are still together. His family has made theirs work for their family. I donít want my daughter to feel pulled or less important to me either.

My husband is pushing back a little. He thinks itís going to be a lot on me to add another day but itís really not. Iím very good at planning. I prepare and freeze cookie dough, all types of food and side dishes. As I said, I love Christmas celebrations so Iím spinning this to be excited that it will be more than one day.

Perhaps your husband doesn't really want a second "Christmas" gathering. Some people just aren't into it. There are other threads about some people feeling depressed or stressed over the holidays and not being on the same page with spouses regarding the level of interest. Maybe the one day a year is enough for him. Have you asked him about that?
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Old 01-04-2019, 12:13 PM
 
3,298 posts, read 1,344,023 times
Reputation: 6653
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
Perhaps your husband doesn't really want a second "Christmas" gathering. Some people just aren't into it. There are other threads about some people feeling depressed or stressed over the holidays and not being on the same page with spouses regarding the level of interest. Maybe the one day a year is enough for him. Have you asked him about that?
Absolutely. For every person who is really into the holidays, there is another person who is super low key. My family is super low key. My sister married into a family that is generally super into the holidays. While her husband is low key, her in laws are a little over the top. She finds herself overwhelmed spending holidays with them.
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Old 01-04-2019, 02:17 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
Perhaps your husband doesn't really want a second "Christmas" gathering. Some people just aren't into it. There are other threads about some people feeling depressed or stressed over the holidays and not being on the same page with spouses regarding the level of interest. Maybe the one day a year is enough for him. Have you asked him about that?
He could care less. He loves the house decorated and the good food. He loves that it all makes me happy. He doesnít stress one bit over holidays.

Of course I discussed it with him first. He just doesnít want it to be too much on me.

Did you ever see the jokes about the husband being just as excited as the rest of the family to see what they got because he has no clue? Thatís my husband.

Heís so laid back. Not one concern about it bothering him. He would tell me if it did. Iím very lucky. As long as the bills are paid, I can do what I want. He can too. Heís been with my Christmas crazy butt for 27 years and just understands me.
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Old 01-07-2019, 07:30 AM
 
2,690 posts, read 1,389,974 times
Reputation: 7245
OK so why is he pushing back?
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Old Yesterday, 09:22 AM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,116 posts, read 7,351,813 times
Reputation: 2634
Quote:
Originally Posted by wasel View Post
OK so why is he pushing back?
Because he thinks it will be a lot on me. He wasnít happy with the situation either. I came up with this idea and he was saying oh youíre going to have all that work for another day too now.

I really have the best husband. Heís so supportive. Also loves Christmas and lives that I love it even more. He just always looks out for me.
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Old Today, 08:40 PM
 
Location: Southern California
20,471 posts, read 6,807,206 times
Reputation: 13780
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
Anyone that knows me knows Iím a Christmas nut. I truly enjoy the decorating and all preparations that go into the big day.
I thoroughly enjoy my family being here and creating a large spread of food for them all to enjoy.

For the second Christmas, one of my daughters has a boyfriend. Heís nice. I like him and enjoy his company. Last year, they spent Christmas Eve at his grandmotherís home, came here, spent the night, did presents in the morning and raced out to spend the rest of the day with his mom (his parents are divorced).

This year, his mom and I have met and are on great terms. She told me that she is having Christmas dinner this year at 5:00 to give me more time with them knowing they ran out on me last year. I thought that was really nice.

The plan was to go to his grandmotherís on Christmas Eve (Dadís side), come here, get up, do gifts, have dinner and then go to his motherís. Not even two weeks prior, my daughter made a stink when I said I was buying a pumpkin pie instead of baking one. I did bake one and told her. She was happy.

Christmas Eve they didnít get to my house until around 1:00am. No problem there. I understand completely and was glad they had a nice time. We all get up and do gifts in the morning. Immediately my daughter goes to get a shower, get ready and theyíre out the door by noon.

I was hurt. I still am. Her response is ďyou have to accept that Iím grown upĒ. I honestly get that. What hurts is feeling like Iím an appointment on Christmas that just needs to be gotten out of the way. That she doesnít care that she led me to believe that they would be here for dinner.

We havenít spoken since.

The day after Christmas, my mother in law needed a serious surgery and we had to travel several states away to be there. I texted her and said we need to talk but not right now.
I texted when I got back and said ok, let me know when you have time to talk. Her response was sheís not ready to talk to me yet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to have some holiday time with her and not have her just get it over with to run to his family?

Iím hurt and now confused.

Too many expectations and too many disappointments. Too bad. That's why I keep it very very very simple at this point and never made a HUGE deal of it all anyway. So much commotion going here and there etc. yikes.

Who sits down and relaxes???? I can only imagine what it will be like with a bunch of grandkids...don't think they were mentioned but I didn't read everything.
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