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Old Yesterday, 08:19 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,104 posts, read 7,338,478 times
Reputation: 2629

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Anyone that knows me knows I’m a Christmas nut. I truly enjoy the decorating and all preparations that go into the big day.
I thoroughly enjoy my family being here and creating a large spread of food for them all to enjoy.

For the second Christmas, one of my daughters has a boyfriend. He’s nice. I like him and enjoy his company. Last year, they spent Christmas Eve at his grandmother’s home, came here, spent the night, did presents in the morning and raced out to spend the rest of the day with his mom (his parents are divorced).

This year, his mom and I have met and are on great terms. She told me that she is having Christmas dinner this year at 5:00 to give me more time with them knowing they ran out on me last year. I thought that was really nice.

The plan was to go to his grandmother’s on Christmas Eve (Dad’s side), come here, get up, do gifts, have dinner and then go to his mother’s. Not even two weeks prior, my daughter made a stink when I said I was buying a pumpkin pie instead of baking one. I did bake one and told her. She was happy.

Christmas Eve they didn’t get to my house until around 1:00am. No problem there. I understand completely and was glad they had a nice time. We all get up and do gifts in the morning. Immediately my daughter goes to get a shower, get ready and they’re out the door by noon.

I was hurt. I still am. Her response is “you have to accept that I’m grown up”. I honestly get that. What hurts is feeling like I’m an appointment on Christmas that just needs to be gotten out of the way. That she doesn’t care that she led me to believe that they would be here for dinner.

We haven’t spoken since.

The day after Christmas, my mother in law needed a serious surgery and we had to travel several states away to be there. I texted her and said we need to talk but not right now.
I texted when I got back and said ok, let me know when you have time to talk. Her response was she’s not ready to talk to me yet.

Am I being unreasonable to want to have some holiday time with her and not have her just get it over with to run to his family?

I’m hurt and now confused.
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Old Yesterday, 08:27 PM
 
298 posts, read 259,668 times
Reputation: 941
Drop it. He's her boyfriend and she's in that stage when he and his family are EVERYTHING.

Do it differently next year. Next year she stays with boyfriend's mother Christmas Eve and in the morning and she can spend Xmas afternoon and evening with your family. Totally equitable.

And if she wants a homemade pumpkin pie, tell her she can make it herself.
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Old Yesterday, 08:32 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,104 posts, read 7,338,478 times
Reputation: 2629
Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsRosencranz View Post
Drop it. He's her boyfriend and she's in that stage when he and his family are EVERYTHING.

Do it differently next year. Next year she stays with boyfriend's mother Christmas Eve and in the morning and she can spend Xmas afternoon and evening with your family. Totally equitable.

And if she wants a homemade pumpkin pie, tell her she can make it herself.
Lol at the pumpkin pie. I was thinking of just telling her not to worry about making time to be here. Just do it another day.

The problem is feeling like Iím an obligation to just get out of the way. I never want my kids to feel obligated to me nor do I want to feel like an obligation to them.
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Old Yesterday, 08:47 PM
 
915 posts, read 244,663 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post

The problem is feeling like I’m an obligation to just get out of the way. I never want my kids to feel obligated to me nor do I want to feel like an obligation to them.
Tell her that and see how she responds. You can do it in a joking way. She won’t like hearing it but she will get the message, hopefully. She sounds really rude but as stated above, the only thing on her mind is her boyfriend.
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Old Yesterday, 09:02 PM
 
Location: Warren County and loving it!
5,104 posts, read 7,338,478 times
Reputation: 2629
Quote:
Originally Posted by PuppiesandKittens View Post
Tell her that and see how she responds. You can do it in a joking way. She wonít like hearing it but she will get the message, hopefully. She sounds really rude but as stated above, the only thing on her mind is her boyfriend.
Thank you. I think I will keep it that simple.

Itís so unlike her. Sheís not at all rude (other than this situation) and a very strong girl. Not dependent on anyone.

Like I said, I like him and his family. It would be easy to just get mad at him but sheís a big girl and can make decisions for herself. So not blaming him at all.
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Old Yesterday, 09:25 PM
 
560 posts, read 437,811 times
Reputation: 580
I understand why you are upset, I would be also. You are wise to discuss it with her and get it out in the open and let her know your feelings. It sounds like she may have something to say to you that might be difficult and that why she’s stalling. Either that or she’s guilty. Either way encourage her to be honest. It may have nothing to do with Christmas or even with you.

Maybe she wanted a ring and was giving the bf an opportunity. Silly to speculate.
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Old Yesterday, 09:55 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,278 posts, read 38,834,123 times
Reputation: 76208
I really do understand how you feel, but I honestly think you should let it go.

You two do need to have a sit-down just to get things back on track, but the last thing I would do right now is put pressure on your daughter, which would add more guilt to the situation.

I really do think it's kind of a phase for her. It's a transition time in your family, when your kids are getting older and learning how to share themselves with other people on holidays. It can be a tough balance. Luckily the BF's mom has been very accommodating, which is great. I think your daughter may just be finding this all new and may even be putting pressure on herself to get over there.

It might work better to keep setting expectations in advance, so she KNOWS what you want, and then you would not be out of line to remind her, if she jumps up to head out 5 hours early, that you thought she would be with you till X time.

The path you lay out now will carry over to when you have grandchildren, etc, so you don't want to layer it with guilt. Frankly, it's very close to a no-win situation because if you do say something about being disappointed in her behavior, she's only going to feel MORE guilty next year, and then how will you know if she's just "clocking in" because she knows it's what you want, etc?

You've already stated how much you want that family time. In my experience, lying low, being cool about it, and giving her space and time to figure this out for herself is your best bet.
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Old Yesterday, 10:32 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,961 posts, read 19,315,463 times
Reputation: 25534
The less clingy you seem, the more she'll want to be there. Tell her you understand if she has other obligations, that she's welcome to visit you another weekend.
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Old Yesterday, 10:32 PM
 
7,502 posts, read 2,941,292 times
Reputation: 19889
You need to do what my family has done.

You don't have to meet on Christmas Day, or Christmas Eve. You just can find a time to meet around the holidays. When is everyone available, can we schedule a night for that.

If she continues to be difficult, find a time for everyone else to meet and invite her there.

*shrugs* My whole extended family meets this time or that, we hope to all meet together, but it doesn't always work out. If you're lax about it, and not punitive, it tends to work out well.
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Old Yesterday, 10:39 PM
 
11,422 posts, read 6,832,232 times
Reputation: 20892
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jerseyt719 View Post
Anyone that knows me knows Iím a Christmas nut. I truly enjoy the decorating and all preparations that go into the big day.
I thoroughly enjoy my family being here and creating a large spread of food for them all to enjoy.

For the second Christmas, one of my daughters has a boyfriend. Heís nice. I like him and enjoy his company. Last year, they spent Christmas Eve at his grandmotherís home, came here, spent the night, did presents in the morning and raced out to spend the rest of the day with his mom (his parents are divorced).

This year, his mom and I have met and are on great terms. She told me that she is having Christmas dinner this year at 5:00 to give me more time with them knowing they ran out on me last year. I thought that was really nice.

The plan was to go to his grandmotherís on Christmas Eve (Dadís side), come here, get up, do gifts, have dinner and then go to his motherís.
You were expecting your daughter to have Christmas dinner twice?

If next year's plan is to have Christmas dinner with the boyfriend's family again, then I think it is better to try to spend time with them in some other way. Since she spends the night and is there in the morning, it would make more since to have Christmas breakfast be the big meal you have with your daughter and her boyfriend.

Or try setting up a rotation where they have Christmas dinner with the boyfriend's family one year, and with your family the next. Just know that by having Christmas dinner, she might not be at your house to sleep over, wake up and open gifts. Christmas traditions change as the family changes.
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