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Old 01-08-2019, 03:47 PM
 
15,517 posts, read 17,222,094 times
Reputation: 15236

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Quote:
Originally Posted by codergirl View Post
In the end, it's your daughter's decision about what she's going to do BUT in my opinion, she should dump that guy because she stated that she doesn't want to have a child! She shouldn't do it if she doesn't want to do it.Period.She is not in a good relationship.If he wants to have a baby...let him find someone else who shares those same ideas...he shouldn't be forcing her to do something she is not comfortable with.
This! My dd and her first husband divorced when he started pressuring her to have a baby. She was the one working and he wanted to go back to school. He wanted a baby because it was *time.* She did not give in, so they divorced. She is now married to another man and they have a child, but her current husband works and she does as well. It worked out really well for them.
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:07 PM
 
4,987 posts, read 1,742,965 times
Reputation: 11680
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopin2 View Post
My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that. She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her. I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home. I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby. I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now. I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family. My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems. Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this. I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me. I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant. I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it. I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult. It helps to just write down how I feel.

I'm kind of old fashioned. Is he ALSO pressuring her to get married?
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:13 PM
 
75 posts, read 15,036 times
Reputation: 106
He hasn't even committed to her in asking for her hand in marriage.
This makes no sense. It's time for her to find another boyfriend, imho
Getting pregnant with this man child will not produce that child a loving father which we all need
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:13 PM
 
28,509 posts, read 45,840,866 times
Reputation: 14759
OP
Consider paragraphing long posts--it is just so much easier to read and to copy something to use for commenting

I think the boyfriend is afraid of being left behind
Your daughter has a better job--that means likely going to be comparing him with guys she meets at work
Maybe he will come out on the short end of that
If he is afraid, he could view her having a child as way to tie her to him--
Make her more needy even if he is not willing to help with child care or add more money into the common pot

I think you should encourage your daughter to go to counseling with this guy to resolve these issues--
Don't worry
The guy won't go
He won't want to be exposed

And I would also suggest you encourage her to get an implanted device to avoid pregnancy
I would not normally suggest that because I think their side effects are not worth it
But when women are in relationships where children/pregnancy is desired by the man things have been known to happen--
Like birth control pills might be sabotaged so contrive a pregnancy

Tht probably sounds too paranoid to be real--but it happens

If your daughter does not want to be a mother HER VOTE is the only one that counts
And she needs to ensure it doesn't happen by accident...
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:37 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
196 posts, read 71,477 times
Reputation: 704
First step is to take a deep breath and keep in mind that your daughter is an intelligent and bright young woman who has succeeded in building a successful education for herself and is starting a strong career. She's your child, but her own adult so for the rest of her life she'll be faced with hard issues and decisions that you may help influence but in the end the only person to make decisions about her relationship or future family is her.

I know my father worries about all his children when they are going through tough times with relationships or money. He'll stay up all night worrying and trying to come up with solutions for us. And unfortunately as children and adults we were either oblivious to his feelings or we blamed him for over caring knowing we were going through with desiotions that make his worrying worst. I think if you tell your daughter about your worries (keeping in mind she doesn't have to nor should she feel pressured to do things simply because your her mother.) and keep the door open for openness and acceptance no matter what happens is the best way to help her comfort you in the matters.

You mention mental illness in your family and while it's important to note that for your daughter, you're definitely describing signs and symptoms of anxiety and I think it's fair to say that you might be in a similar situation of needing help regulating your worries, fears, and anxiety regarding issues outside of your control. If you don't already have a therapist or someone to help you go through your emotions then you most likely will just unload on your daughter or her significant other which could make things worse as this is a private relationship issue their having and not really your place to make suggestions. Your job as mom is to encourage and give appropriate advice to your daughter, but beyond that this baby talk is your daughters and her partners to deal with. Keep supporting and try to give as much love to your daughter as you can if she's stressed, but keep in mind there's nothing here for you to change or control. Simply prepare to help your daughter in whatever comes at her next be that singlehood or as a mother.
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Old 01-08-2019, 04:57 PM
 
589 posts, read 451,454 times
Reputation: 644
You know I had to push my husband in to having a baby - he said he wasn't ready and I was 30 and wanted to get the family started. I also had a great job and made a good salary. He says it was the best thing I ever forced him in to. I would have not welcomed my parents or in-laws input into this decision at that time. The boyfriend may know her better than you do.

My advise is to give yourself the gift of some therapy and start sleeping at night and trusting your daughters choices in life. From your post it seem like your own mental issues are getting in the way of you enjoying your life to the fullest. Worry about yourself.
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Old 01-08-2019, 05:46 PM
 
Location: Watervliet, NY
3,895 posts, read 1,336,154 times
Reputation: 7166
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron61 View Post
This is boyfriends way of controlling your daughter. She needs to remove this jerk from her life yesterday. No offense, but your daughter was able to graduate college and land a great job but canít see what a loser this guy is? Címon man!

Book smart doesn't translate into life smart all the time. But yeah, if she's smart she will dump this jerk. She doesn't need a baby tying her to him for the rest of her life, especially a baby she doesn't even want.
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Old 01-08-2019, 06:04 PM
 
Location: Ohio
14,520 posts, read 12,887,106 times
Reputation: 19669
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodyum View Post
You know I had to push my husband in to having a baby - he said he wasn't ready and I was 30 and wanted to get the family started. I also had a great job and made a good salary. He says it was the best thing I ever forced him in to. I would have not welcomed my parents or in-laws input into this decision at that time. The boyfriend may know her better than you do.

My advise is to give yourself the gift of some therapy and start sleeping at night and trusting your daughters choices in life. From your post it seem like your own mental issues are getting in the way of you enjoying your life to the fullest. Worry about yourself.
Husband vs boyfriend..........BIG difference.
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Old 01-08-2019, 07:13 PM
 
589 posts, read 451,454 times
Reputation: 644
Quote:
Originally Posted by Annie53 View Post
Husband vs boyfriend..........BIG difference.
Not really for me, I would have felt the same way about starting a family if I wasnt married. I know many women and some men who feel more strongly about having children than getting married. And even some who donít want to get married. The good thing is that one size doesnít fit all.
I canít believe everyone is so quick to label this guy a loser. You donít even know him and are basing your judgement from the views of a mentally unwell mother.
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Old 01-08-2019, 08:58 PM
 
Location: Fort Lauderdale, Florida
8,424 posts, read 7,739,758 times
Reputation: 17931
Your daughter is a grown woman completely capable of telling her boyfriend NO!

Butt out mom, not your circus, not your monkeys.
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