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Old 01-10-2019, 03:30 PM
 
5,758 posts, read 4,584,527 times
Reputation: 11433

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Quote:
Originally Posted by claytonmom View Post
My mom gave me some incredible advice... donít share your relationship problems with your mom (unless it is REALLY bad, like abuse, etc). Couples all face problems, and you are seeing only one side of it. It is hard, almost impossible, for a mom to forgive someone that they feel has wronged their child. These problems may be big, or your daughter may be just venting, and you and getting more and more worked up about it. This may interfere with the your relationship with him in the future.

I would suggest that they see a counselor to help them work through their issues.
yep - given the same advice by my mom
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Old 01-10-2019, 07:50 PM
 
6,462 posts, read 9,662,569 times
Reputation: 10828
Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Caldwell View Post
She wants to be a consumer, not a mother.

Is there something wrong with that?
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Old 01-11-2019, 12:10 AM
 
Location: Georgia
4,530 posts, read 3,875,942 times
Reputation: 15637
Quote:
Originally Posted by foodyum View Post
I canít believe everyone is so quick to label this guy a loser. You donít even know him and are basing your judgement from the views of a mentally unwell mother.
He sounds like a loser. He keeps insisting that she put herself through the physical and mental risks of pregnancy at a time when her career is just starting to take off, and up until this point has been pretty obstinate about his future role in taking care of the child. He sounds like the "barefoot and pregnant" sort. There's a big difference between a woman choosing to have a baby and the resulting care that falls to her, and a guy jumping around saying "Let's have a baby!" He is taking NO risks with his health, and up until just recently, was not willing to take any responsibility for it, either. Just like a four year old with a puppy. It sounds like the daughter's mental health is a little fragile, anyway.

If he's not willing to commit to taking care of the child and doesn't pay his way 50/50, how well does that bode for future responsible behavior? He can't commit to marriage, he can't commit to taking responsibility for his offspring -- how, exactly, is this guy a winner?
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Old 01-11-2019, 04:18 AM
 
5,201 posts, read 2,347,490 times
Reputation: 13249
Quote:
Originally Posted by ContraPagan View Post
Yeah, and....? It is much better to be single and make your own choices in life than to have those choices rammed down your throat by an SO who just won't listen. He has a lot of damn brass trying to make that decision for OP's daughter. If this guy wants kids so badly, he needs to find himself a woman who wants the same.
Thank you. We agree. He has options and isn't tied to her ovaries.
I'm an advocate for single life styles. And for men to adopt if they so wish.

As I said before...she (daughter)wishes to remain child free so be it. Doesn't make his desire any less significant.
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Old 01-11-2019, 11:50 AM
 
Location: Myrtle Creek, Oregon
11,439 posts, read 11,800,700 times
Reputation: 17816
Quote:
Originally Posted by steelstress View Post
Is there something wrong with that?
For some definitions of wrong.
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Old 01-11-2019, 05:21 PM
 
Location: North Dakota
7,303 posts, read 8,478,496 times
Reputation: 9902
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopin2 View Post
My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that. She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her. I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home. I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby. I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now. I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family. My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems. Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this. I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me. I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant. I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it. I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult. It helps to just write down how I feel.
That's a big wall of text to read, but it seems to me she needs to just dump him and get it over with.
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Old 01-11-2019, 06:04 PM
 
738 posts, read 250,556 times
Reputation: 922
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Thank you. We agree. He has options and isn't tied to her ovaries.
I'm an advocate for single life styles. And for men to adopt if they so wish.

As I said before...she (daughter)wishes to remain child free so be it. Doesn't make his desire any less significant.
Advocating for single life styles with children is about support for the children, however it happened, divorce, widowed, domestic violence, etc... Advocating purposeful intent for a child to have just one parent is irresponsible, hope that's not the meaning here.
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Old 01-11-2019, 07:27 PM
 
Location: SW Florida
9,380 posts, read 6,561,457 times
Reputation: 13233
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopin2 View Post
My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that. She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her. I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home. I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby. I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now. I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family. My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems. Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this. I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me. I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant. I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it. I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult. It helps to just write down how I feel.
Whatever happened to getting married before one had kids....?
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Old 01-11-2019, 07:49 PM
 
147 posts, read 57,213 times
Reputation: 315
Not only does she need to drop him-- for a lot of reasons-- but she needs to be very careful about her birth control, lest it be sabotaged.

The most basic reason they need to go their separate ways is because this is one of those things you can't compromise about... either you do it or don't, and whoever doesn't get their way is going to be miserable and resentful (and, at worst, a child may suffer for it, too). Also, he cannot respect the word "no" from her and that's worrying in itself, never mind when it comes to someone who has decided they want something in their life, which someone else will suffer a lot of negative consequences to achieve (and he will not), and he doesn't care that that someone else has said they don't want that.


Quote:
Originally Posted by foodyum View Post
The boyfriend may know her better than you do.
The daughter almost certainly knows herself better than the boyfriend does. She has said what she wants, and that should be the end of the discussion.

Also, there's a big difference between a woman pushing a man and a man pushing a woman. No one should push anyone, period, but when it's a woman who has to be pregnant and take the career hit and do most of the childrearing, it's a lot easier for her to volunteer to take that on than for a man to volunteer her to take it on.



Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
Kudos for the Guy expressing HIS desire and willingness to Be at home to tend to the child.
I'd suggest he adopt on his own without the gals desire to play the "its my body, my decision".
If she doesn't want kids so be it. Doesn't mean he has to stop following his grown up choice.

Glad we live in an era where there are options when one of them isn't parenting material.

OP- for you I can imagine your restless nights will wither away..and somber sleep will arrive. Rest well.Sounds like your daughter is heading to single life soon...
Um... he didn't want to take care of the kid. And probably said he did just to sway her and would go back on it as soon as two pink lines showed up. It IS her body and her decision. he is not making a grown-up choice... he is being a spoiled child who just keeps whining about what HE wants, hang what the woman who'd have to go through pregnancy/childbirth/childrearing wants, hang what would be best for the child. That's not grown-up. What's grown-up is her saying she does not want a child, does not want to bring a child into the world who could inherit health issues, and not being swayed by his immature sob story.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Larry Caldwell View Post
The guy needs to dump this girl ASAP. If he wants a family, she is not the one to do it with. She wants to be a consumer, not a mother.
She wants to be a person who lives her own life the way she wants, and that doesn't include being a mother. (Here's a hint: everyone is a consumer, unless they live completely off the grid and grow all of their own food, material to make clothing, trees for wood to build their own house, walk everywhere or build their own horse-drawn carriage, etc. It has nothing to do with parenting.)
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Old 01-11-2019, 08:33 PM
 
982 posts, read 274,309 times
Reputation: 1541
OP, why isnít your daughterís response:

ďBoyfriend, we arenít even married. Of course Iím not having a child with you.Ē
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