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Old 01-08-2019, 10:08 AM
 
1 posts, read 1,843 times
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My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that. She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her. I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home. I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby. I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now. I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family. My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems. Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this. I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me. I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant. I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it. I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult. It helps to just write down how I feel.
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Old 01-08-2019, 01:06 PM
 
5,781 posts, read 4,606,905 times
Reputation: 11489
She shouldn't have a baby if she doesn't want to have one.

And then you might be stuck baby-sitting

I'm glad to hear that she acknowledges her anxiety and doesn't want to add to that by having kids. I have relatives with the same issues and wonder why they ever did.
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Old 01-08-2019, 01:09 PM
 
5,781 posts, read 4,606,905 times
Reputation: 11489
My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that.

She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her.

I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home.

I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby.

I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now.

I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family.

My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems.

Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this.

I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me.

I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant.

I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it.

I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult.

It helps to just write down how I feel.
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Old 01-08-2019, 01:42 PM
 
5,781 posts, read 4,606,905 times
Reputation: 11489
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopin2 View Post
I guess after being up all night and stressed out, I wasn't thinking. I rarely ever come to these forums, for good reason. I guess I should have known better. When I get replies like this, I just don't come back. At least I feel better I got it off my chest. My daughter is the one who keeps bringing this up to me and that's why I am thinking of telling her too see a counselor if she brings it up again.



I hope that didn't strain the old brains too badly! Goodbye.
A couple of us reposted your original posting with paragraphs.

See - We see and act instead of complain.
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Old 01-08-2019, 01:49 PM
 
Location: Pikeville, Ky.
13,501 posts, read 21,396,988 times
Reputation: 17782
Moderator cut: suggestion


OK guys, thread has been moderated so lets try this again without the insults, attacks or sarcastic responses
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Old 01-08-2019, 01:52 PM
 
Location: midvalley Oregon and Eastside seattle area
3,389 posts, read 1,539,984 times
Reputation: 2669
We got an unhooked DS, 33. CS. We didn't have him until DW was 38, after 12 years of marriage.
We had MIL and my mother do babysitting duties. DS was an easy child.
DS is under pressure to do Something. Anything.
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Old 01-08-2019, 01:56 PM
 
Location: Michigan
150 posts, read 81,494 times
Reputation: 302
My daughter and son-in-law married at 19 years of age and currently have six children. My wife and i have thought maybe it was too many because they struggle financially. They might be poorer than most but they are happy. My point is that you can not live your kids life for them. They are adults and have to work it out. It makes it worse if you interfere too much. On the other hand, you should always be available if they reach out or need you. You are holding on too tight to this. Are they really committed to each other? You said boyfriend so I assume they are not married. A lack of commitment from either one of them could spell trouble in the future. If they are not on solid ground and have a child it will only make things worse.
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Old 01-08-2019, 02:08 PM
 
Location: San Antonio, TX
10,981 posts, read 19,450,027 times
Reputation: 25668
This is something they have to figure out. Since both work and it sounds like she makes decent money, no one has to stay home with the baby. There are day care centers that fill that need. She would probably have to stay home for several weeks after the birth while she recovered, and her boyfriend couldn't do that for her.
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Old 01-08-2019, 02:08 PM
 
1,251 posts, read 460,124 times
Reputation: 2639
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopin2 View Post
My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that. She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her. I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home. I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby. I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now. I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family. My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems. Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this. I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me. I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant. I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it. I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult. It helps to just write down how I feel.

In the end, it's your daughter's decision about what she's going to do BUT in my opinion, she should dump that guy because she stated that she doesn't want to have a child! She shouldn't do it if she doesn't want to do it.Period.She is not in a good relationship.If he wants to have a baby...let him find someone else who shares those same ideas...he shouldn't be forcing her to do something she is not comfortable with.
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Old 01-08-2019, 03:14 PM
 
Location: S.W. Florida
1,898 posts, read 762,559 times
Reputation: 5334
Quote:
Originally Posted by Clemencia53 View Post
My daughter, Susan (not her real name), early 30s, has been telling me that her boyfriend is pressuring her to have a baby. She doesn't want to have a baby. She said she told him that if they had a baby he would have to stay home and take care of it. He said he wouldn't be willing to do that.

She just graduated from college with a bachelor's degree in computer science and got a really great job in May of 2018. She had been going to college for some time. He has been pressuring her to have a baby for a few years now. I know that it's upsetting for her and I don't blame her.

I said it sounded to me like he wants to have a baby but wants her to take all the responsibility for it. She said he hasn't even offered to divide up the responsibility 50/50. She makes twice as much money as he does and she thinks he should be the one to take responsibility for staying home with it. When I saw her last time, now she said he thought about it and he is willing to stay home.

I know my daughter is still upset though because she still just doesn't want to have a baby and I know she's frightened about going through pregnancy and childbirth also. I'm concerned and worried for her. Her boyfriend is a nice person and he and I have always gotten along, but lately I've been feeling different around him, even before my daughter said he was pressuring her to have a baby.

I'm beginning to think he might be controlling or a bully. I've been having trouble sleeping at night. I wake up during the night with bad anxiety, thinking about my daughter and concerned about her, and it seems so overwhelming. I'm feeling angry with her boyfriend now.

I don't think it's fair to pressure someone into doing something they don't want to do, especially something as important as having a child. I told her she shouldn't have a baby unless she really wants to. My daughter also realizes that there is a lot of bad mental illness and neuroses in my family and in her father's family.

My mother, my sister, 2 maternal aunts and my maternal grandfather had/have mental illness. Susan has 2 siblings with mental illness. Another daughter, Susan's sibling, who is mentally ill, made life hell for our family for years and even though we spent thousands on professional help for her during her childhood, it didn't help much. She refused to take any medication her doctors suggested for her. She still has the same problems.

Susan is very sensitive and has problems with anxiety sometimes, as do I. Having been through pregnancy and childbirth and being an anxious person, I can understand how frightened she must be. It sounds like she's giving in to her boyfriend now. She should be enjoying her new job and instead she's having to go through this.

I don't want to intrude into their relationship. I know if I say too much and it caused problems with their relationship, my daughter might resent me in the future. It's hard for me to be indifferent to it, I just want to protect her, but I know I can't do that. It's causing a lot of stress for me.

I'm thinking about suggesting she talk to a counselor about it, or maybe they both see one, and maybe that can help her decide what she wants to do. If I knew she really wanted to have a baby things would be completely different. I wonder if there is some underlying reason why her boyfriend is doing this, maybe feeling insecure about their relationship, and that's why he wants her to get pregnant.

I also wonder if his parents might be behind it. I haven't met them yet so I don't know them. From what my daughter says, they are nice people. I invited Susan and her boyfriend over for dinner this Saturday but I've been so upset about this issue and unable to sleep, I'm thinking about postponing it.

I'm so angry at her boyfriend right now and I don't want to end up saying or doing something wrong. I don't feel comfortable being around him right now. I think that if she ends up having a baby anyway, she may resent her boyfriend and it may lead to their breaking up and that would affect the baby too. I'm usually pretty good at detaching from my adult children's lives, but there are times when it's difficult.

It helps to just write down how I feel.
This is boyfriends way of controlling your daughter. She needs to remove this jerk from her life yesterday. No offense, but your daughter was able to graduate college and land a great job but canít see what a loser this guy is? Címon man!
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