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Old 01-14-2019, 07:26 PM
76 posts, read 16,272 times
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My kids are 2 and 4 and lately life has been stressful. I try my best to hide my emotions but i have found myself yelling at them and at DH. DH also does his fair share of yelling. From what i've read yelling around kids is bad and just as bad as spanking. Well working full time and having 2 kids is not easy, life can be hectic and yes raised voices happen. I've read recent articles that yelling can poorly affect kid's brains. Our 4 year old can be difficult with listening and is very strong willed. He behaves well in school though.

Does anyone else yell? Are my DH and I abnormal? I guess my parents didn't yell much, i can recall getting yelled at or spanked occasionally but not often. I can recall being in other people's homes where there people much louder than my parents.

I try so hard to NOT yell but when there's no one listening and i'm trying to get out the door my stress buttons go into overload.
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Old 01-14-2019, 07:54 PM
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I one read an article that suggested parents try whispering instead of yelling. My kids are older, but I did try it, and it certainly got their attention. Too much noise desensitizes kids to the point where they stop listening.
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Old 01-14-2019, 08:32 PM
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Thanks, I did try that whispering thing once and DS was definitely confused and intrigued...but it didn't last. I will give it another try during those moments when I'm about to yell.
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Old 01-14-2019, 10:22 PM
Location: here
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I'm a yeller. My kids are teens now. I have found that they take me FAR more seriously when I speak to them calmly but seriously. When you yell they just think you're crazy and don't take you seriously. Count to 10, take a deep breath.
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Old 01-15-2019, 08:25 AM
Location: Central, NJ
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Are you yelling insults and damaging things? If not, no, it is not as bad as spanking. I did yell because that age is so incredibly frustrating. I tried very hard not to, but sometimes I would find myself still yelling. My parents (Irish) never yelled and it did not make them perfect parents. My husband's parents (and literally every other very Italian parent I saw) yelled all the time and their kids always felt safe and loved. Yelling isn't great - but don't be so hard on yourself. 2 and 4 are such hard ages. Try reminding yourself that it's temporary. It feels like it's always going to take 4 years to leave the house, but it really won't. You won't be living this way forever. You really won't. Give yourself as much time as humanly possible to get out of the house and once you are near the door do not let anyone leave it for any reason. Trust me on this.

I'll be completely honest. I know part of the reason I yelled is because it worked. Even now when I'm telling my son something there are things I can say five times in a normal conversational tone and until I'm irritated and angry and saying it NOT nicely, it's like he can't hear it. My husband is the same way. My son is 8 and I'll even ask "Why do you not do something until I'm saying it this way?" He doesn't know! When I realized there was no way I could promise to never yell again there were a couple of things I did. I always apologized for my behavior if I felt like I lost control. When he was around 4 or 5 and I was nearing my limit I would say, "I am about to start yelling." He would generally get a move on then. If there was a time/activity that I found particularly stressful or he was a disaster about doing, beforehand I would say, "You know how I get when it's time for this. Do you think you can help me get everything ready so it will go better?" Your 2 year old is too young for all of this, but in another year or so you can get the 4 year old to help manage him.

You don't want to damage your children, but the goal shouldn't be to model perfection either. Mommy and Daddy have flaws because they are human, but they still love you to pieces.
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Old 01-15-2019, 08:33 AM
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No we do not yell insulting things. We yell basically to get order. I wish we didnt have to and i realize that somewhere along the line we did this to ourselves and maybe now the kids only listen when there is yelling involved. I think my DH and i are both anxious people my DH moreso than i am. He likes to be on time and getting kids out of the house to get somewhere on time just isnt realistic..but he tries. Yesterday I tried forever to get my almost 3 year old out of the house to go to the library and i couldnt believe how long it took. She wouldnt do anything i asked. I didnt yell but i was pleading and telling her how much i just wanted to get out of the house saying things like, please we need to leave, please help me get you dressed, please stop nursing (yes she still is).

I feel guilty everyday when yelling happens because it seems like the good parents are ones who don't yell and have lots of patience. That isnt us. I think my DH and I do a better job sometimes when we have the kids on our own, there is more stress with 4 people trying to get out of the house vs. 3.
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Old 01-15-2019, 08:59 AM
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I think there is a difference between raising your voice to get a child's attention and screaming at your child in a way that is terrifying to him or her. The latter is abusive but raising your voice to get attention is pretty commonplace and unavoidable.
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Old 01-15-2019, 09:01 AM
Location: Central, NJ
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I do think you're being too hard on yourself. An audience makes most people a better parent. I'm not saying everyone yells, but you have no idea what's going on in their homes when no one is watching. Maybe the kids are zoned out in front of a screen so they're more compliant. There were times at that age I just gave up and didn't leave the house. For things that took twice as long to get out of the house as the activty would last sometimes it just wasn't worth it. Try again next week! It won't be forever and it won't be establishing a pattern. My son isn't damaged from some yelling and he doesn't refuse to leave the house or anything because there were times I just said, forget it, we'll stay home. You don't even realize it, but every day is survival mode with a 2 and a 4 year old.

I remember the first time my son got himself ready to go somewhere. He was about 3.5 No yelling and he got himself dressed in appropriate clothing the first time I asked. I thought, "Yes! This is it! We're going to be on time!" The only thing he needed was socks and I sent him to get them while I got to the door with our things. He came back completely naked. Even I couldn't yell at that one. But he now is at the door, ready to go and is not scarred for life. And I agree - it was somehow worse when my husband was getting ready with us, even though it seemed like it should be easier.

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Old 01-15-2019, 09:13 AM
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I have had a few times where i just scream yelled again didnt yell anything insulting, just yelled/screamed because i'd lost it.

My son barely has any reaction. A few times i've spoken harshly to my almost 3 year old when she won't do something and she cried saying i scared her. Those are the times i feel the most terrible. I think my son might need the yelling, but my daughter probably doesnt.
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Old 01-15-2019, 09:50 AM
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Verbal abuse is bad. Probably nearly as bad as physical abuse. Yelling is not verbal abuse.

We have loud happy rambunctious 4-year-old twins. My default volume is a yell.

Occasionally I will yell at full rage volume, loud enough I'm sure the whole neighborhood can hear. I don't ever yell mean or hurtful things. More like: "Go to sleep or I will remove your stuffed animal and not return it until you are quiet." Sometimes there are tears, but it's usually from the actual consequences, not from the yelling. My daughter is especially resilliant, and will go toe-to-toe with me more often than not. Son tends to have more fragile feelings, and usually only gets yelled at (to apologize, or not to do that [again]) for being a wild man and hurting someone or damaging something because he's not being mindful.

I have no compunction about yelling in public. I get a lot of looks for barking out orders, but I'll take side-eye over my kids getting into a hazardous situation.

Sometimes the kids scream at me, and they often scream at each other.

When the screaming and yelling is not appropriate (anger-driven rather than purpose-driven) then the yeller has to remove themselves/be removed from the situation, calm down, and apologize, be they parent or child.

If the screaming is appropriate (STOP THAT! QUIT POKING ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!) Then I praise them for standing up for themselves with words rather than being passive-aggressive and holding it in until blowing up with a physical fight.

Yelling is a part of life, part of being human, and a life skill. How is a child who never experiences or practices yelling going to deal with being bullied or teased? I teach my kids to ask politely once, then go full-volume in-your-face yelling as a last warning, before the final stage of physically standing up for themselves.
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