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Old 01-17-2019, 11:10 AM
 
5,220 posts, read 5,027,688 times
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Bottom line - OP will never know what really happened.

No more questions that try to get at the truth, no more things like why are they Facebook friends. She is disturbed, as a Father I'd just support her. At this point, that's more important than the truth.

Best of luck OP.
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Old 01-17-2019, 11:18 AM
 
2,866 posts, read 1,250,460 times
Reputation: 11042
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShanIAmVA View Post
I guess I read the OP post differently than others. I don't see the OP as asking why the story was different now vs before because she was questioning the legitimacy of the 'new' story but rather OP asking because, had OP known the truth the first time, she could have done more, said more, stood up for her more, gotten a counselor, informed law enforcement.

OP - if my assumption as to why you asked about the discrepancy in stories is accurate, then please tell your daughter that you are not disbelieving her story but wished you knew the truth way back when so you could have done more. Maybe that will help mend fences. I hope your daughter and entire family heals from this terrible event(s).

The last thing a rape victim needs is to be told they should have said something when they were young. Itís not about the mothers needs. The daughter shared a very painful experience and it was thrown back in her face with being guilted for not having shared sooner, and then given the third degree and being judged.

The daughter lost on two counts because if she was raped the mother didnít handle it well, if she is mentally ill the mother didnít handle it well. The only thing the mother should have done is hold her and say she was so sorry and how can She help. The only impression Iím getting is how this has hurt the mother but this is a daughter in crisis and sadly what the daughter has found out is that her family turned their backs on her with little to no compassion because they are fixated on discrepancies.

If the mother wants to fix this then she should apologize due to being shocked and her heart hurts for her daughter and ask the daughter how can she help and support her.
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Old 01-17-2019, 11:34 AM
 
286 posts, read 139,921 times
Reputation: 580
I lost my virginity passed out at a party in high school. Of course, I never told my parents. Thankfully I was staying the night with a friend and I wasn't hurt, so there was never anything to draw attention to it at home. At the time, I didn't even think there was a reason to tell them. I felt just as guilty since we were both drinking.

Fast forward many, many years and I do think there are lingering effects from it. Now, telling anyone about it now is not something I would do, but maybe someone more open than I would might. You never said why your daughter finally said something 10 years later, but I would assume something sparked it. Maybe she was having some lingering effects from it and needed to be honest about it. Maybe she and her husband had gone to counselling.

I would be very offended if you tried to throw back what I said at the time against me. She was a teenager who had just gone through a traumatic experience. She told you just enough to get you to drop the subject and not bring him up again.

And don't buy too much into them being friends on Facebook. I'd probably accept a friend request from my person as well. First, friends on facebook does not equal friends in real life. Plus, it's a way to try to move past it.

The only thing I would expect from you is an apology for doubting her, saying that you would not bring it up again, and asking if she needed anything. You challenging her and saying you think she is lying to her husband horrifies me.
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Old 01-17-2019, 11:56 AM
 
672 posts, read 227,776 times
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My daughter had a friend in high school who was date raped by a male friend. The "friend" was a part of the larger group. The girl never told her mother because she did not want to get into trouble. She said her mother would be mad at her. The rape was well known by everyone in the group. A very popular group of kids. None of the girls or boys said or did any thing because they were afraid to. My daughter distanced herself from this group. Peer pressure is very hard on high school kids.

OP - it sounds like you doubt your daughter. Why are you questioning her. You could have said "I wish I knew it happened so I could have helped you. I am sorry you went through this alone." She probably did not tell you because she was embarrassed, ashamed, shocked, etc Only she knows the reason she withheld the truth.
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Old 01-17-2019, 12:20 PM
 
Location: Richardson, TX
10,777 posts, read 17,094,061 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aa6660 View Post
I lost my virginity passed out at a party in high school. Of course, I never told my parents. Thankfully I was staying the night with a friend and I wasn't hurt, so there was never anything to draw attention to it at home. At the time, I didn't even think there was a reason to tell them. I felt just as guilty since we were both drinking.

Fast forward many, many years and I do think there are lingering effects from it. Now, telling anyone about it now is not something I would do, but maybe someone more open than I would might. You never said why your daughter finally said something 10 years later, but I would assume something sparked it. Maybe she was having some lingering effects from it and needed to be honest about it. Maybe she and her husband had gone to counselling.

I would be very offended if you tried to throw back what I said at the time against me. She was a teenager who had just gone through a traumatic experience. She told you just enough to get you to drop the subject and not bring him up again.

And don't buy too much into them being friends on Facebook. I'd probably accept a friend request from my person as well. First, friends on facebook does not equal friends in real life. Plus, it's a way to try to move past it.

The only thing I would expect from you is an apology for doubting her, saying that you would not bring it up again, and asking if she needed anything. You challenging her and saying you think she is lying to her husband horrifies me.
Your first sentence should read "I was raped while passed out at a party in high school." Passed out people are unable to give consent, your being drunk did not make the sex permissible, although clearly it put you in a very vulnerable position.

I don't know whether you need to tell anybody about this now, but I think you should accept what really happened. Why in the world would you accept a friend request from that person? You've more proof than anybody that he's a bad person, why would you want any connection at this point, no matter how tenuous?
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Old 01-17-2019, 03:05 PM
 
286 posts, read 139,921 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Debsi View Post
Your first sentence should read "I was raped while passed out at a party in high school." Passed out people are unable to give consent, your being drunk did not make the sex permissible, although clearly it put you in a very vulnerable position.

I don't know whether you need to tell anybody about this now, but I think you should accept what really happened. Why in the world would you accept a friend request from that person? You've more proof than anybody that he's a bad person, why would you want any connection at this point, no matter how tenuous?
I really need to edit that. We had sex and then I blacked out. I do not believe I was passed out when the sex occurred, just extremely drunk.

I know I am going to have an unpopular opinion here, but if two people are drunk and have sex, I don't automatically turn that into the female being the victim. If the guy was drunk also, did he give consent as well? To me, that is something completely different than rape - which I view as occurring when one person has control over another person. I should have been more clear in my statement - I was just too irked by OP to think clearly.
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Old 01-17-2019, 03:11 PM
 
5,292 posts, read 2,385,423 times
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in 2002.....a gal was more in tune to what is consentual vs excessive liberties by the assailant.

TBH , I find this Metoo# mentality of simply "Beleiving" the story without facts disturbing.

OP- earlier I posted what could be a fair resolution...in gesture and statement. As a parent and knowing my kids I can tell when they aren't being forthright.....sounds like your daughter dug a hole and is back peddling to make it be non consentual encounter .....NONE here KNOW. But no how no way do I blindly ruin a mans life when we haven't heard from him .....
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Old 01-17-2019, 03:22 PM
 
3,724 posts, read 3,464,589 times
Reputation: 9822
The appropriate response when your child decides to tell you about something terrible that happened to them long ago, that you can do nothing about, is to say, "I'm so sorry that happened to you. Do you want to talk about it? Is there anything I can do to help you?"

That's all. You don't cross examine them.

I didn't find out about horrible things that happened to my child until years afterwards. I never, ever doubted her. There was not much that could be done, but I believed her, supported her, loved her.
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Old 01-17-2019, 03:50 PM
 
45 posts, read 21,953 times
Reputation: 288
OP I’m sorry this is happening in your family. I really didn’t read this as you not believing your daughter, it sounds like she presented a different version of events during different times of her life and you and your family being unaware of what happened were questioning it.

I did not read that you had reacted badly to her version of the events, but were merely trying to get more information to clarify it. It seems like a lot of the other posters were questioning why you won’t believing your daughter. I also have issues with “believing” a story without more facts or information.

Assuming your daughter was raped, she went through a horrific experience but how would you know if she didn’t tell you? . It sounds like something actually did happen to her but it would be impossible to know what it was at this point. It sounds as if she is processing something. I do agree with you that it would be odd to be Facebook friends with an individual who raped you. Not sure why other posters don’t find that strange.

I think at this point the only thing you can do is tell her you love her and you’re sorry that she had such a terrible experience and leave it at that.

Last edited by mercedesmarcelina158; 01-17-2019 at 04:00 PM..
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Old 01-17-2019, 04:21 PM
 
Location: Pacific Northwest
196 posts, read 71,709 times
Reputation: 723
First off I want to let you (OP) know that this situation is very common and what your going through is something thousands of parents have to eventually go through once they discover parts of their child's life that were not know to them at the time.

Was your reaction perfect? It's definitely not the reaction a professional individual with experience and knowledge on rape victims would do. But you're not that, your a normal person who is going to react to trauma and issues in a way that reflects your personality and understanding of how to manage issues like or as similar to this. You asking your daughter questions and trying to get the full picture is perfectly normal and pretty expected for a parent. When you learn that you were not present or had any idea that your child was hurt in such a volatile way is gutwrinching and I absolutely see other parents try and get information about thing only to end up hurting the victim even more as rape victims off the bat have their notions of trust, privacy, and security shattered to oblivion after the assault. They thought they could trust their friend, they thought their privacy would be respected, and they were under the impression that their safety was secured....when all that is proven wrong in one traumatic moment they don't have much to build back up on.

This is why Rapeis a multi victim crime. Yes, the person assaulted needs help and is the primary victim; but rape ends up shifting every single relationship big and small that victim is part of. That extends to any future relationship or marriage and it usually always gets between the victim and their family particularly the parental/guardians of the victim. Rape is a crime that affects a persons ability to feel safe and trust freely. It also can mess with a person memory and mental state making it hard to understand or verify it's all 100% true; not because the person may be lying, but because the trama was so great their brain decided to shut down to avoid remembering the event in the first place hence people sometimes trying to fill in the blanks with inaccurate information. When you're under pressure to tell someone something you really don't remember your brain goes back into it's fearful and traumatized state and will make due to get the uncomfortable feelings of the memories over with.

You recognize your current relationship with your daughter needs something. That's a good first step. The next one is to understand and acknowledge that you can't do anything to change the past or solve this mystery. It's not your job to investigate or get the facts straight for your daughter or yourself. Your job is to love and care for your daughter no matter what happens. She's going to need a lot of love regardless of how this trama came about. It's pretty clear something is wrong, but your not going to help the healing and eventual recovery by getting stuck on they why and how. You need to focus on how you can make it better for her.

Next time you can be with your daughter don't ask her about the assault or question her. You need to build a new level of trust, understanding, and true love because I'm sure these things are her biggest issues in her current state. The only questions out of your mouth need to be asking your daughter what you can do for her and then doing it. Better yet, go to counseling or therapy and possibly take or go with your daughter some time. Like I said, Rape is a multi victim crime with the family of the victim sometimes suffering as much trauma as it extends from interaction from person to person. You and anyone extremely close to your daughter needs to get help to process this event and learn how to better understand your own place in the trama. It's not blaming you, but if you don't better prepare yourself at mending your daughter's trust and show understanding on her trauma you'll be to blame for avoiding a simple solution to helping rebuild your relationship.
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