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Old 01-17-2019, 05:08 PM
 
2,866 posts, read 1,253,843 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mercedesmarcelina158 View Post
. I do agree with you that it would be odd to be Facebook friends with an individual who raped you. Not sure why other posters donít find that strange.

.
I canít speak for other posters but getting into the why and trying to judge isnít helpful, the bottom line is the daughter tried to share something deeply upsetting and instead of compassion and support she is made to feel like a liar and questioning why she would be friends with her rapist would add to that sense of being distrusted by the very people sheís supposed to feel she can trust.
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Old 01-17-2019, 06:09 PM
 
Location: here
24,755 posts, read 29,297,063 times
Reputation: 31893
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nov3 View Post
in 2002.....a gal was more in tune to what is consentual vs excessive liberties by the assailant.

TBH , I find this Metoo# mentality of simply "Beleiving" the story without facts disturbing.

OP- earlier I posted what could be a fair resolution...in gesture and statement. As a parent and knowing my kids I can tell when they aren't being forthright.....sounds like your daughter dug a hole and is back peddling to make it be non consentual encounter .....NONE here KNOW. But no how no way do I blindly ruin a mans life when we haven't heard from him .....
How is anyone ruining his life? The daughter shared this with someone who should have been the most sympathetic to her, her mom. She didn't tell the police, post it online, or send a letter to her congressperson.
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Old 01-17-2019, 06:37 PM
 
Location: interior Alaska
4,096 posts, read 3,084,452 times
Reputation: 12365
So either she was sexually assaulted (and didn't tell you about it at the time, which is very common), she was sexually assaulted at some point and is confusing incidents due to psych issues, or she incorrectly thinks she was sexually assualted due to psych issues. In any of these three scenarios, it seems to me that the basic decent response is "I'm so sorry you're going through this" and assistance finding mental health support.
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Old 01-17-2019, 06:48 PM
 
15,914 posts, read 18,912,036 times
Reputation: 25821
Sorry....But....You should apologize to your daughter.....You should stand beside her no matter what.

She likely down played what happened ages ago....obviously you are not the type to offer unqualified support, so she probably didn't want to have to defend her statement then at 15, like you are making her do now.

Thank goodness she has a supportive husband.
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Old 01-17-2019, 06:56 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,555 posts, read 39,214,233 times
Reputation: 76999
Quote:
Originally Posted by mercedesmarcelina158 View Post

I do agree with you that it would be odd to be Facebook friends with an individual who raped you. Not sure why other posters donít find that strange.
Because there are people who live in the same house with people who have raped them. There are people who regularly see the people who sexually assaulted them as children when they attend family reunions, but they tolerate it because they don't want to tell a truth that would fracture the family.

It's not a situation where the typical logic applies.
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Old 01-17-2019, 07:23 PM
 
4,305 posts, read 3,653,308 times
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She needs counseling to help her. It is not unusual for women to lie about such things,not being raped but the alternative story in their head they developed as a coping mechanism.

My kids get my support.
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Old 01-17-2019, 07:33 PM
 
466 posts, read 104,749 times
Reputation: 653
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
Because there are people who live in the same house with people who have raped them. There are people who regularly see the people who sexually assaulted them as children when they attend family reunions, but they tolerate it because they don't want to tell a truth that would fracture the family.

It's not a situation where the typical logic applies.
This. And maybe they want to pretend it never happened for their own state of equanimity.
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Old 01-17-2019, 08:47 PM
 
4,305 posts, read 3,653,308 times
Reputation: 8788
Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
I canít speak for other posters but getting into the why and trying to judge isnít helpful, the bottom line is the daughter tried to share something deeply upsetting and instead of compassion and support she is made to feel like a liar and questioning why she would be friends with her rapist would add to that sense of being distrusted by the very people sheís supposed to feel she can trust.

This.
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Old 01-23-2019, 09:59 AM
 
5,293 posts, read 2,389,342 times
Reputation: 13511
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kibbiekat View Post
How is anyone ruining his life? The daughter shared this with someone who should have been the most sympathetic to her, her mom. She didn't tell the police, post it online, or send a letter to her congressperson.
Valid and open Question to ask.
In the original post it was conveyed that the alleged assailant was still involved in their social circles.

It's the Solomon rule...if you "believe" one person you then must conclude the other is guilty.


And yes...the false allegation can injure a person from keeping a job or staying a positive member of the community

This mother knows her grown daughter...they aren't strangers. I suspect their style in communicating is normal to them...
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Old 01-23-2019, 12:17 PM
 
11,610 posts, read 9,482,764 times
Reputation: 14997
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's hard to imagine how you and your family could have handled this any worse, OP.

Of course the stories don't line up. She was 15, and she was embarrassed. Humiliated. Scared. Mad. Confused. It's amazing she told you ANYTHING about what happened then. Many kids who are assaulted bury it deep inside.
Potentially feeling GUILTY.

Quote:
Her husband is a separate issue. There could be problems in their marriage. Your daughter could have been affected by these sexual assault experiences to the point that she chose an abusive spouse. You really can't speculate about what happened to her.

You ARE blaming her. Not directly (almost) but by implication. Saying that she had an advantageous childhood, as if that would make her immune to being victimized. Fact-checking her too much.

There are ways to get information without making someone feel like they're being grilled under a spotlight.

You should talk to her away from her husband, apologize, stop making assumptions and just tell her that the details don't matter. You just want her to reach out if she needs it.
Yah Mom. You lost by making this about YOU when it wasn't.
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