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Old 01-16-2019, 06:09 PM
 
Location: Ashland, Oregon
234 posts, read 115,943 times
Reputation: 445

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Here goes.

When my daughter was fifteen, we were driving in the car together and I asked her what became of a particular male friend of hers. She looked upset and said they weren't friends anymore. At a party, he pushed her down and tried to kiss her. I asked if it went any further than that, she said 'no', I asked if we should do anything and she said 'no'.

Fast forward ten years later. She and her husband were visiting us and she mentioned she had been raped. Of course, I wanted to know when, where, why, who... I was told it happened 'that time'. Subsequently I discover that her two sisters and another friend were at our house when she came home from this party. She was upset and told everyone he got rough with her, tried to kiss her but nothing else happened. I reminded her of what she told me and she went ballistic, as did her husband. "Why would you doubt her?!!" I'm not necessarily doubting her but her current story conflicts with her old one and I'm confused. It has caused problems between us.

Fast forward six years later (present day). During a visit in October, the subject came up again. The subject arose and again I reminded her of our initial conversation. THEN she told me it didn't happen at a party, it happened when they were out somewhere and he pushed her into the back of his truck, did the deed while she was screaming, and that was it. THEN she told her sisters (who told me) that it happened while she was alone at home when she was eighteen and had invited him over. They got very drunk. Later, two of her friends went to the house to make him leave after this event, which I only just heard about. It occurred thirteen years ago. When was she raped? All three times or just once? This young man, who is now married with a child, is still on all these kids' facebook friends list. If he was so heinous, wouldn't they have de-friended him? One friend, who has a master's degree in psychology, said we should 'believe her anyway'. WTH?

Bottom line is that she is beyond furious with her whole family 'for not believing her' and especially me for doubting her word and 'making me relive the worst 41 minutes of my life'.

No one in the family wants to speak to her ever again and the feeling is mutual. I told her my door and heart would always be open but don't know if she'll contact me again in a very, very long time. My guess is that she lied to her husband and got in too deep when we all challenged her on the subject based on what we knew from her and others.

She also maintains she is bipolar and is on medicine but when my husband talked to her husband about it he went ballistic on the phone and said his wife doesn't need medication.

I'm feeling very confused and hurt at present. My daughter had a lovely, loving and advantageous childhood. We don't know where this is coming from except that she may indeed be mentally ill.

Last edited by ExNooYawk2; 01-16-2019 at 06:19 PM..
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Old 01-16-2019, 06:17 PM
 
2,838 posts, read 1,238,485 times
Reputation: 10917
“ I'm not doubting her but her current story conflicts with her old one.”
That comes across as not believing her and instead of just saying sorry and listening ,or asking how you can help,you gave her the third degree. Then when she tries to bring it up you remind her again and sitting in judgement of her.

Sorry but I can’t pretend the way you handled her was very loving or supportive. Even if she is confused or it’s due to some mental health issue , why coukd you not have just listened and encourage professional support.
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Old 01-16-2019, 07:28 PM
 
5,259 posts, read 2,372,722 times
Reputation: 13379
Op- welcome to the new era of believing without proof or behavior signs.

You know your children better then us who are strangers.

I tend to listen to the self proclaimed "victim". Most have an inflection to their tone when conveying the details...almost shamefilled. Doesn't sound like your daughter is clear though on her version.
I'm sure your a bit miffed ...as a parent we think our kids can tell us anything soon after it happens.
If your daughter was at the minimum...roughed up...hit/abused...she may well have embellished it. It doesn't change that in her mind she felt violated. In what ways...only she can recall.

I'd probably end the conversation with a warm hug and a small statement of...I'm sorry that you endured that. In my mind it validates her victim stance without delving into some of her erroneous changes ..years later.
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Old 01-16-2019, 09:21 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
40,524 posts, read 39,163,686 times
Reputation: 76913
It's hard to imagine how you and your family could have handled this any worse, OP.

Of course the stories don't line up. She was 15, and she was embarrassed. Humiliated. Scared. Mad. Confused. It's amazing she told you ANYTHING about what happened then. Many kids who are assaulted bury it deep inside.

Her husband is a separate issue. There could be problems in their marriage. Your daughter could have been affected by these sexual assault experiences to the point that she chose an abusive spouse. You really can't speculate about what happened to her.

You ARE blaming her. Not directly (almost) but by implication. Saying that she had an advantageous childhood, as if that would make her immune to being victimized. Fact-checking her too much.

There are ways to get information without making someone feel like they're being grilled under a spotlight.

You should talk to her away from her husband, apologize, stop making assumptions and just tell her that the details don't matter. You just want her to reach out if she needs it.
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Old 01-16-2019, 10:11 PM
 
Location: planet earth
3,741 posts, read 1,337,123 times
Reputation: 8252
OP: She may have lied to you when she told you the first story. That doesn't mean she lied about being raped. I would believe her if she said she's been raped. Why would the family abandon her?

I don't understand why anyone would be FB friends with him, though. Someone should ask her that one specific thing.

Does she want to file charges?
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Old 01-16-2019, 10:49 PM
 
Location: here
24,743 posts, read 29,278,138 times
Reputation: 31862
Quote:
Originally Posted by ExNooYawk2 View Post
Here goes.

When my daughter was fifteen, we were driving in the car together and I asked her what became of a particular male friend of hers. She looked upset and said they weren't friends anymore. At a party, he pushed her down and tried to kiss her. I asked if it went any further than that, she said 'no', I asked if we should do anything and she said 'no'.

Fast forward ten years later. She and her husband were visiting us and she mentioned she had been raped. Of course, I wanted to know when, where, why, who... I was told it happened 'that time'. Subsequently I discover that her two sisters and another friend were at our house when she came home from this party. She was upset and told everyone he got rough with her, tried to kiss her but nothing else happened. I reminded her of what she told me and she went ballistic, as did her husband. "Why would you doubt her?!!" I'm not necessarily doubting her but her current story conflicts with her old one and I'm confused. It has caused problems between us.

Fast forward six years later (present day). During a visit in October, the subject came up again. The subject arose and again I reminded her of our initial conversation. THEN she told me it didn't happen at a party, it happened when they were out somewhere and he pushed her into the back of his truck, did the deed while she was screaming, and that was it. THEN she told her sisters (who told me) that it happened while she was alone at home when she was eighteen and had invited him over. They got very drunk. Later, two of her friends went to the house to make him leave after this event, which I only just heard about. It occurred thirteen years ago. When was she raped? All three times or just once? This young man, who is now married with a child, is still on all these kids' facebook friends list. If he was so heinous, wouldn't they have de-friended him? One friend, who has a master's degree in psychology, said we should 'believe her anyway'. WTH?

Bottom line is that she is beyond furious with her whole family 'for not believing her' and especially me for doubting her word and 'making me relive the worst 41 minutes of my life'.

No one in the family wants to speak to her ever again and the feeling is mutual. I told her my door and heart would always be open but don't know if she'll contact me again in a very, very long time. My guess is that she lied to her husband and got in too deep when we all challenged her on the subject based on what we knew from her and others.

She also maintains she is bipolar and is on medicine but when my husband talked to her husband about it he went ballistic on the phone and said his wife doesn't need medication.

I'm feeling very confused and hurt at present. My daughter had a lovely, loving and advantageous childhood. We don't know where this is coming from except that she may indeed be mentally ill.
Worst thing you could have done. My assumption would have been that, of course, she lied when she was a teen out of embarrassment, or fear of what you would think, fear of how it would be handled, or just wanting to forget about it. Instead you seemed to assume she was lying about the rape.

I don't have an answer for the change in her story, but I would certainly handled this with more compassion than you did. I don't blame her for being upset.
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Old 01-17-2019, 08:55 AM
 
Location: Geneva, IL
12,981 posts, read 11,979,199 times
Reputation: 14743
What exactly are you hoping to achieve? Your statements reek of "I don't believe you". Something happened to your daughter, but it's unlikely she will tell you now, or that you will even believe her.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Spuggy View Post
"Sorry but I canít pretend the way you handled her was very loving or supportive. Even if she is confused or itís due to some mental health issue , why could you not have just listened and encourage professional support.
Quote:
Originally Posted by BirdieBelle View Post
It's hard to imagine how you and your family could have handled this any worse, OP.

^^ This
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Old 01-17-2019, 09:39 AM
 
Location: Central, NJ
2,345 posts, read 4,894,637 times
Reputation: 3086
It does sound like mental health problems. Her husband's reactions seem very odd, unless her erratic behavior is just becoming obvious to him now and he's confused. I would say I'm sorry for whatever happened to her and ask if she's ever spoken to a professional to help her work through it and try to get her to a place where she can come to you if something were to happen to her in the future.

It seems likely that something happened to her at 15. The other two stories make no sense, so it's possible she's never shared them with her friends so that would explain why they would still be friends with him. If I had had to go to my drunk friend's house at 18 to remove the man that raped her, I certainly wouldn't be Facebook friends with her assailant. But since you asked her at 15 why she was no longer friends with him and she said it was because he assaulted her and you never saw or heard about him again, it's really unlikely that they were drinking together 3 years after that.

It seems like your other daughters may know more about her mental state than you do, so I would have a discussion with them. If her husband doesn't think she needs medicine, but she thinks she does then she may be in another unsafe situation and I would want her to know she could come to her family for help, no questions asked.
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Old 01-17-2019, 10:27 AM
 
207 posts, read 59,755 times
Reputation: 664
It could have happened more than once. It could be memories, both yours and hers, have revised history a bit in the last 10 years.

It's a shame that this has caused a rift in your family.
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Old 01-17-2019, 11:00 AM
 
363 posts, read 196,805 times
Reputation: 1756
I guess I read the OP post differently than others. I don't see the OP as asking why the story was different now vs before because she was questioning the legitimacy of the 'new' story but rather OP asking because, had OP known the truth the first time, she could have done more, said more, stood up for her more, gotten a counselor, informed law enforcement.

OP - if my assumption as to why you asked about the discrepancy in stories is accurate, then please tell your daughter that you are not disbelieving her story but wished you knew the truth way back when so you could have done more. Maybe that will help mend fences. I hope your daughter and entire family heals from this terrible event(s).
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