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Old 01-20-2019, 02:57 PM
 
Location: In the Pines
11 posts, read 4,565 times
Reputation: 20

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Please no judgement, I come seeking answers, guidance I am at my wits end.


I have adopted a little one, her biological father and I are together. Her birth mother disappeared/abandoned her role as a mother. I've been in her life since she was 10 months old.


I was told I could never have children so she was my little miracle, just months ago I found out I was going to be having a child of my own biologically. I couldn't be more excited, but I am also thrilled for my daughter because she will have a little brother to share her youth with.


My question is, can my daughter struggle emotionally already from her separation from the bio mother?


She was doing great potty training, she recently started daycare and does great there. However when at home she acts out, she will randomly kick and scream, if she doesn't get her way she will cry and scream. If Dad and I tell her no she tells us no back acting out pointing. I thought maybe this is her terrible twos

She will be 3 in may.


I come here because I have tried it all, spanking her hand, telling her no, giving her pep talks, I've even used my loud/mean voice. All it does is make her scream and cry harder or just disobey us again 5 minutes later.


MOMS HELP
DADS HELP

I am about to be a mother of two, I really want to help my daughter transition into the potty training and the behavior before her little brother gets here


I know I wont always have the answers and always get it right but my main goal and focus in life are my children..

I don't want them to grow up seeing me as an evil/bad mother and I don't want to always have to lose my cool to get them to mind or be afraid.


Thank You for your time.
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Old 01-20-2019, 03:16 PM
 
15,509 posts, read 17,210,313 times
Reputation: 15228
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeleyes2423 View Post
Please no judgement, I come seeking answers, guidance I am at my wits end.

I have adopted a little one, her biological father and I are together. Her birth mother disappeared/abandoned her role as a mother. I've been in her life since she was 10 months old.

I was told I could never have children so she was my little miracle, just months ago I found out I was going to be having a child of my own biologically. I couldn't be more excited, but I am also thrilled for my daughter because she will have a little brother to share her youth with.

My question is, can my daughter struggle emotionally already from her separation from the bio mother?

She was doing great potty training, she recently started daycare and does great there. However when at home she acts out, she will randomly kick and scream, if she doesn't get her way she will cry and scream. If Dad and I tell her no she tells us no back acting out pointing. I thought maybe this is her terrible twos

She will be 3 in may.

I come here because I have tried it all, spanking her hand, telling her no, giving her pep talks, I've even used my loud/mean voice. All it does is make her scream and cry harder or just disobey us again 5 minutes later.

MOMS HELP
DADS HELP

I am about to be a mother of two, I really want to help my daughter transition into the potty training and the behavior before her little brother gets here


I know I wont always have the answers and always get it right but my main goal and focus in life are my children..

I don't want them to grow up seeing me as an evil/bad mother and I don't want to always have to lose my cool to get them to mind or be afraid.


Thank You for your time.
Yes, she may struggle from the separation from her biomom, but that should not be causing the tantrums you see. You are correct that it is the *terrible twos* behavior in general.

Potty training often regresses once the new baby is born, btw. Punishing her for this is not going to be helpful.

You haven't tried it all, btw. You need to catch her being good and reward that rather than punishing in the moment.

Here is a long post about positive parenting. It was created by a large group of parents who were interested in parenting.

Please think in terms of positive discipline instead of punishment.
You may want to read "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Another good book is "How to Behave So Your Preschooler Will, Too" by Sal Severe.
Another one is "Playful Parenting" by Lawrence J. Cohen

Positive Parenting and Teaching

The idea of these methods is to be proactive and not reactive, to empower the child to control his own behavior rather than to control his behavior yourself, to see the child's individual needs and abilities rather than to use some general techniques to adapt these things to particular situations using the basic principle of respect for the child's feelings and human rights.

Part of this is simply a change in the way you speak to your child and in the attitude that you show toward him when you *really* look at him and listen to him carefully.

Mostly, this boils down to LISTEN to your child and RESPECT her unique needs and feelings.

First, model the behavior you want your child to emulate. Children learn what they live. Teach by example, not words. If you want your child to eat his vegetables, eat them yourself and donít keep the food you wish him to avoid in the house for yourself and others in the family. When you do use words, encourage him with specifics when he does something good. I see you ate all your broccoli is better than you are a good eater or you are a good boy. General praise is not as effective as simply noticing what he did.

Second, always try to look for the underlying cause of the behavior and address that so that the need is actually met in acceptable ways. Assume your child is *good* even when her behavior doesn't meet your standards. Accept her feelings and show that you understand. Allow her to talk about them. Listen to her and respect her feelings and she will learn to respect the feelings of others.

Third, state your rules and requests in positive ways, not negative ones - Please walk is always more effective than don't run. Have the least number of rules possible. Don't micromanage your child's life. Make your point with humor. It helps to make some things that must be done a silly game instead of being serious. "Can you pick up the toys with your feet?" might be a way to get a child to have fun cleaning up. Remember the Whistle While You Work philosophy. Do things together instead of having her work alone. Rules should apply to all members of the household and should be for safety and for the sake of kindness to one another. Keep the number of "nos" to a minimum.

Fourth, explain on the child's level exactly what you want done again in positive terms - state what he can do, not what he can't do. Get down on the child's level and look at him when you explain. You may want to touch his arm to get his attention or to create a nonverbal signal that works to calm him down.

Fifth, redirect a child who is doing something that you dislike to something he *can* do now instead of what he is doing. Give the child choices between many things that are acceptable to you and she won't have to find something that is unacceptable so that she can have control. Whenever possible, let the child decide on what he should do even if the choice she makes is different from what you think is the *best* one. Children learn from making choices.

Sixth, give your child warnings of transitions so that they become easier to manage. Children need time to *finish* what they are doing. Persistence in doing a task is a virtue and should be encouraged. So try to allow them to finish what they start even when it is *just* a game.

Seventh, allow for down time when your emotions or the child's are out of control. This is not isolation, but it is a way to get anger under control. It is used non-punitively to allow both the adult and child to regain control of their emotions. Let the child control the amount of time she tays in a *time-out* like this. . Give her the control and she may put himself in *time-out* when she feels she needs it without your having to initiate this at all. Use it yourself too if your own emotions fly out of control. It's a great way to calm *yourself* down. Teach her to count to 10, to think before she reacts, by using these techniques yourself. Use breathing to breathe out the anger too.

(Sidebar on teaching breathing here: When your child is calm teach him how to breathe out his anger. There are breathing games that you can play that work really well with toddlers and preschoolers and after you teach him how, you can remind him to breathe when he begins to tantrum.

These are breathing exercises we used with preschool classes:

Ballooning

When you balloon, you breathe in (deeply) and as you breath in you start with your arms at your sides and raise them up parallell to your shoulders and up over your head. Then you blow it all out, make it exaggerated like a balloon spewing out all the air. The kids really like it and it really lowers tension.

Draining

When you drain, you put both hands out in front of you, you twist (and twist, and twist and twist) your hands around like you were turning off water and you *********r face all up, then you blow the air out through your lips (I know... there will be a little spit!) but the kids really like that one and you can feel the stress and tension leaving your own body! (automatic stress relief!)

You can get the balloon and draining icons from:
http://www.beckybailey.com/documents/Icons.pdf

Eighth, say what you mean and mean what you say. Don't give a lot of warnings, give one and then act.

Ninth, plan for situations before they arise. Try to have some idea of what you will do so that you can stay calm and not react in anger. When you do need to change the child's behavior do so calmly and quickly. Pick up a young child and remove him from the situation or redirect him to some positive activity without yelling and without anger. Talk in a reasonable and normal tone of voice. Convey the message of love with your voice and your body.

Tenth, as your child grows, try to involve him in planning the rules that are necessary. Let him make some of the decisions within reasonable guidelines so that he begins to trust his own feelings about what is right and what is wrong. You can use role-playing and dramatic play to help your child figure out what he can do when situations come up that are difficult for him. Always involve him in solving the problem. Let him brainstorm different things he can do and then let him choose from the acceptable alternatives he comes up with.

Eleventh, make amends when you make a mistake. Apologize to your child when you have made a mistake. Accept his apologies gracefully as well. Encourage children to show they're sorry by taking responsibility for any harm they caused. They can get ice, look at the wound, say they're sorry, or do nothing-and live with whatever self-imposed guilt they might have. Don't force children to apologize. 'Sorry' is a word people can say insincerely to erase their responsibility and guilt.

Twelfth, give your child responsibility for real tasks that help make your family work. Chores help your child to feel she is a real part of
helping things run smoothly. Work out what chores she should do with her keeping them appropriate to her age and abilities, but allowing her to stretch. Donít criticize her performance, let her improve gradually and be totally responsible for the chore. Donít redo her work. Donít tie chores to allowance in general. Allowances are better used to teach her to handle her own money responsibly. Extra money or rewards when she goes above and beyond the call of duty may be all right, but the idea of chores is to be responsible for helping your family work. Allowances (if you give them) should be something children get and are allowed to use in any way they wish although as they grow, they might be given responsibility to budget and pay for some things like their bus fare or school lunches. Still it should always be enough to cover the expenses and also to allow them their own spending money as well.

Children should experience the *natural consequences* of their actions, since that is how they learn. But making up logical consequences to substitute for natural ones often becomes a problem.

Cline and Fay (logical consequences parenting books) are worthwhile to read
http://www.loveandlogic.com/

This site has even better ideas. http://www.naturalchild.org/
or these http://www.empathicparenting.org/
http://www.flyingboy.com/relationships-parenting.htm
or this one for teachers http://www.marvinmarshall.com/

Some good resource books are:
How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. (already mentioned above)

By the same authors:
How to Talk So Kids Will Learn
Liberated Parents, Liberated Children.
Siblings Without Rivalry.
How to Talk So Kids Will Learn
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Old 01-20-2019, 03:18 PM
 
7,828 posts, read 3,083,686 times
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How old is she?

Can you give specific examples of what behaviors are objectionable, that you tell her "no"?

In my experience, we didn't say no much. Not right now, wait your turn, you can have just one, if you want to throw rocks, go over there and throw them at the tree, etc.

And yes, if her mother was her primary caregiver for 10 months and then abandoned her, it's very likely she's been traumatized.
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Old 01-20-2019, 03:24 PM
 
Location: In the Pines
11 posts, read 4,565 times
Reputation: 20
She will be 3 in may Clara

I tell her no when

She hits the kitten
She starts trying to pour her sippy contents onto the carpet
She messes in her pullup and keeps putting her hands in there to play with its contents
She throws herself on the floor at daycare because she doesn't want me to zip her coat up
She cries when we go to the store throwing a fit because she doesn't want to hold our hand or stay in the cart


Just whenever she acts out doing something she shouldn't or does something that might harm her.
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Old 01-20-2019, 03:56 PM
 
15,509 posts, read 17,210,313 times
Reputation: 15228
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeleyes2423 View Post
She will be 3 in may Clara

I tell her no when

She hits the kitten
She starts trying to pour her sippy contents onto the carpet
She messes in her pullup and keeps putting her hands in there to play with its contents
She throws herself on the floor at daycare because she doesn't want me to zip her coat up
She cries when we go to the store throwing a fit because she doesn't want to hold our hand or stay in the cart


Just whenever she acts out doing something she shouldn't or does something that might harm her.
When she hits the kitten, be sure that the kitten has lots of places to escape to. Separate her from the kitten for a short period of time. Show here how to be gentle with the kitten when she is around it and praise her when she pets the kitten gently.

When she plays with the contents of her diaper, make sure she has other opportunities for messy play like playing with playdoh or playing in the mud or finger painting. We sometimes used whipped cream or shaving cream with our child in the high chair. Calmly say, ďNo playing with poop. Poop stays in the diaper or in the potty. We play with toys.Ē Dress your child in onesies, zip-up pajamas, and overalls. In addition, closely monitor your childís bathroom routine, changing him or her soon after pooping or peeing. Be sure to praise your toddler when he or she successfully uses the potty. Some parents put clothing on backwards to limit access, but it is harder if you are actively potty training.

Ignore the throwing herself on the floor entirely. Wait it out unless you have to be gone in a hurry. Once she realizes that she is not going to get attention for this, it should stop. Also praise her when she allows you to zip her jacket without protesting.

Practice hand holding when you do not have to have her do it. Practice at home going from room to room in short trials and making it a game. Work on it a few minutes at a time. Move to the outdoors or another setting once it seems mastered at home. Adjust your grip as your child may be uncomfortable. Or try a leash for her to hold onto instead of your hand (think about how uncomfortable it may be for your child to have her arm up in the air to hold your hand). Use lots of positive reinforcement when she does hold your hand without objecting. Also give her opportunities for appropriate places where she does not need to hold your hand.

Parenting takes work. You have to teach her what is needed. You cannot expect unquestioning obedience as that will just create rebellion and doing what she wants when you are not around to guide her.
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Old 01-20-2019, 04:10 PM
 
2,830 posts, read 1,235,985 times
Reputation: 10892
Quote:
Originally Posted by Angeleyes2423 View Post
She will be 3 in may Clara

I tell her no when

She hits the kitten
She starts trying to pour her sippy contents onto the carpet
She messes in her pullup and keeps putting her hands in there to play with its contents
She throws herself on the floor at daycare because she doesn't want me to zip her coat up
She cries when we go to the store throwing a fit because she doesn't want to hold our hand or stay in the cart


Just whenever she acts out doing something she shouldn't or does something that might harm her.
I found p.e.t. Extremely effective when raising my children and use some of the techniques with my almost 3 year old granddaughter.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pare...eness_Training

Try to keep the kitten away from her and agree with nana advice.
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Old 01-20-2019, 04:30 PM
 
7,828 posts, read 3,083,686 times
Reputation: 20603
Well, she sounds pretty strong-willed, which will be a good quality when she's older.

She also sounds like, in some cases, she's purposely making you mad. The sippy cup thing, and the messing with the contents of her diaper, appear to just be trying to do things she knows will make you angry.

Not wanting her hand held, not wanting to leave daycare, seem like she's just asserting her independence and her will, so those things are in a different category, and not as concerning.

Sometimes children who are adopted will push boundaries very far, to assure themselves that this parent is it in it for the long term and won't leave at the first sign of difficulty.

In general, does she seem like a happy child?
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Old 01-20-2019, 04:50 PM
 
Location: In the Pines
11 posts, read 4,565 times
Reputation: 20
Yes Clara that's one of the qualities I Love in her she is so Independent and Sassy!

That is what I have come to terms with, I have noticed a lot of the things she does to see what kind of rise she can get out of me or what she can get by with.

They say she is an angel at daycare she has her good days and bad days lol I just assume she is a normal healthy toddler.

I just feel like a bad mother sometimes because I lose my cool, especially now that I am pregnant it seems intensified!!!

I just wonder if its the separation from her bio mom or just her being a normal toddler

She doesn't remember her birth mother, she wouldn't recognize her if she seen her.

But yes all in all shes very happy, she can fuss at me one moment for being in time out and in trouble and be up playing laughing and being silly the next.

Thank You so much everyone for responding and especially sending me all these helpful resources <3
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Old 01-20-2019, 05:03 PM
 
1,619 posts, read 577,681 times
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"My question is, can my daughter struggle emotionally already from her separation from the bio mother?"
yes.
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Old 01-20-2019, 05:11 PM
 
Location: here
24,742 posts, read 29,273,650 times
Reputation: 31852
Yes, she could be struggling emotionally about her mom leaving. But, she could just be a normal difficult 2 year old. Hard to tell. When mine were that age, we used timeouts when they misbehaved. It seemed like it wasn't working, but in the long run, it did. You might consult a child psychologist/therapist. They would be able to tell you far more than we can.
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